A poem of weakness and realized strength...

Tired Yet Strong
By: Kim Hembry©
September 23, 2011

I’m straining to hang on
So tempted to quit
So deeply perplexed
I’m tired of this

I’m struggling to fight
So tempted to stray
So strongly torn up
Feeling dismayed

I’m longing for hope
So tempted to run
So saddened inside
Feel overcome

I’m churning within
So tempted to cry
So unsure within
Feel torn up inside

I’m trying to endure
So tempted to lay down
So uneasy and tired
Feel like I’ll drown

I’m looking for light
So tempted to think
That it isn’t worth it
Feel like I’m going to sink

I’m not giving up
Though tempted am I
I won’t lay down
I have to arise

I’m not giving in
Though it’d be easier
I won’t let ED win
I mustn’t surrender

I’m not fighting alone
Though it seems that I am
I must believe and press on
In His strength I will stand

I’m not losing the fight
If I choose to stand up
If I refuse to quit
And never give up

I’m choosing to say
That I’ll take one more step
That I’ll pick up my head
And learn to accept

I’m going to trust
Not going to doubt
I’ll do my best
To speak truth so LOUD

It’s not just for me
That I’ll choose to stand up
It’s for those who haven’t
Heard of His love

There’s a purpose for me
I must cling to that fact
I have to remember
That though I may lack

That He is enough
That He lives within me
That it’s only in Him
That one day I’ll sing

The victory chant
The song of great praise
The lyrics of joy
And glorify His name

So, I reach out for hope
In spite of the pain
I reach out in trust
I’ll face one more day

One day at a time
Taking each step in stride
Moment by moment
In Him I’ll abide

Pressing on is my choice
I won’t lay down
He’s loosed my voice
I’ll strain ahead for my crown.

So come what may
I’ll not flee in fear
I’ll stand up believing
That my God is so near

He’s living in me
He’s given me life
He won’t disappoint
He is pure Light

God, open my eyes
Help me to see
Help me to recognize
Your beauty in me

Without renewed eyes
I’m not sure I’ll see
Something different than what
I’ve always seen

Strip off the veil
Redeem my sight
That one day I’ll see
Abundance of life

Praise be to You
Who gives strength to me
All worship is Yours
Please bring VICTORY!

What's running through my head... Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh!

I kind of don’t know where to start, but it just seems like I can’t really seem to make much headway in regards to ED... What’s worse is that I struggle even to want to stand up to him completely and constantly... Somehow I still feel like I have some control in the matter...

I am so afraid of gaining weight, especially since I already feel really fat... Arghh! Yuck!

I just want to be able to exercise again... I want to be able to go run or do whatever I want in regards to exercise... I feel like jello! I look like it too!

I feel so perplexed inside... I have such clashing feelings and thoughts... I know that I “need” to follow my meal plan... However... I am struggling with that one... I feel soooooooooooo absolutely disgusting in my skin, and as I pass my any mirror or glass, I am absolutely repulsed by the reflection I see...

There is a part of me that feels like the only time ED doesn’t seem so loud is when I am busy and restricting... When I am not putting anything in my body... Yet I guess that is probably not true... It just seems like it is...

(Sigh...)

I just don’t know if I am up to it all... I just don’t know if I am able to hold out like this... It just seems easier for me to do what I’ve always done... I feel less stressed and less anxious when I am practicing my ED...

Okay... I know that sounds ludicrous...

Oh, the back and forth game that takes place in my mind...

A powerful devotional... And some thoughts...

So... I will preface this by saying that this devotional hit me pretty deep when I read it this morning... To be completely honest, I am still trying to soak it all in... I think I've read it at least five times today... If I can really grasp a hold of what it is saying, I believe it could serve as a HUGE perspective shifter - which I think I really need right now!

Old ideals have been beckoning... Old dreams and goals [prescribed by ED] have been tempting... Deep down, I believe I really do WANT recovery, but I've been struggling so much to trust my team and follow their recommendations.

I guess what I am saying is that I know the world of ED must topple around me so that the world of LIFE can rise and be born in and through me... As you read, you will see what I mean...

"When our myths, dreams, and ideals are shattered, our world topples."
~ Kathleen Casey Thiesen

The act of "becoming" topples our world, and rightly so. We outgrow yesterday's ideals, and we have begun realizing, in our unfolding, the dreams of last year. Now new dreams call us. Recovery has toppled our world. Hallelujah!

In our abstinence, each day offers us fresh opportunities to "create" new realities to replace the outworn, outgrown myths of the using[practicing] days. But letting go of the old takes patience, persistence, and strength. The old conformed us when there was little else.

Perhaps we need reminding that were it not for the shattered myths of last year or last week [or yesterday], we'd not be progressing, unfolding, as the bigger picture calls us. We have a part to play in this life, as do our sisters, our friends, our children. New dreams and ideals will lead us on our way. Old dreams served us yesterday, and the past is GONE. They can't direct our present.

Affirmation:
I will look with excitement at my toppling world. It signifies growth - intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. Old ideals will bind me - I will dare to dream new dreams and go where they lead with confidence.

As much as I try to believe that the world of ED around me must topple in order for me to truly embrace all that life has to offer, I somehow get stuck because a fear of it toppling begins to overpower me... Along with the fear of it toppling comes doubt that no matter how hard I try, the world of ED will never really topple down...

That may sound ludicrous, but it's what is real for me right now... It is the battle and struggle that is taking place in me... Even though these two things are paradoxical, they both rise up in me...

And then, there is still the part of me that believes or feels like I can live LIFE and still have my eating disorder around... That's the part of me that's still convinced that I've got this thing figured out and worked out to a definite science - the part of me that only sees the so-called "positives" of my eating disorder...

For some reason, what I've just shared with you made me think about a visit I had with a friend of mine (who is a nurse) yesterday... I was trying to explain to her that I've been struggling to see the ugliness of ED, which makes it hard for me to turn from it entirely... When I said this, she challenged me to reframe it and to think about it in a different manner... She challenged me to change my pursuit from seeing ED's ugliness to ED's harmfulness to me...

Wow! What a challenge...

Anyway, I guess this comes to mind because I am assuming that it may take a real revelation of ED's harmfulness as it would relate to me in order for stuff to really start shifting... I don't know how that real revelation comes and breaks through the feeling of invincibility that is so strong in me... But... I feel like that is what needs to happen in order for me to even begin seeing the world of ED toppling around me...

(Sigh)...

I have had a few very rough days in terms of following my meal plan... I feel quite overwhelmed and defeated and frustrated... I feel kinda stuck...

I just wish I could shut down the continual mathematical equation that persists between my ears...

I just feel like no matter what I try to do to take me in the direction of recovery, it isn't enough or is a failed attempt... I know I need to try and reframe that by considering progress rather than perfection...

Anyway, to wrap up this post, I guess I will choose to say that in God - my ultimate source of STRENGTH - ALL things are POSSIBLE! I won't lay down in defeat. NO! I will rise! In this moment, I WILL rise! I will not let the fear of failure halt me! I will choose to put one foot in front of the other and walk! I won't let the feelings of being overcome keep me from trying to embrace LIFE! I won't let hesitation and fear of the unknown keep me from taking a positive step! Though ED's continual pleas and mockeries try to quench every bit of my strength, I will NOT quit! I will NOT give up! I will take this journey in stride...

~ONE DAY AT A TIME ~
~ONE STEP AT A TIME~
~ONE MOMENT AT A TIME~
~ONE BITE AT A TIME~

Affirmation needed to get refocused today...

Sigh... Doing my best not to feel super defeated today... 

Ughhh!

"I will keep my head - my heart - my soul - all of me - in the game! I won't give up! I will be grateful for grace and for patience! I will not be a continual statistic! I will rise above! Though I may rise up a bit and fall back a little, I will not grow weary in trying! I will value progress and not perfection! I will pick myself up today and remember that it is NOT too late to turn this day around! I will not let ED overcome this entire day! Though I struggle to find my voice, I will muster up even an internal whisper and will whisper even the most simple of truths. I will remember I DON'T walk alone! I will do my best to choose life in this moment!" ~me

A devotional that brought encouragement...

So... I just wanted to share this devotional with all of you... I read it this morning, and it really spoke to me... I was reminded of how important it is to love and support one another, and also of how important it is to take the step that is before us!

"It isn't for the moment you are struck that you need courage,
but for the long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security."
~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Most of us are on a long uphill climb at this moment. It is a climb we are making together, and yet a climb we can't do for each other. I can reach out my hand to you, and you can grasp my hand in return. But my steps are my own, just as you, too, can only take one step at a time.

For brief periods we skip, even run, along the uphill path. The rocks and the occasional boulder momentarily trip us up. We need patience and trust that the summit is still achievable. We can help one another have patience. We can remind one another to trust.

We look back at the periods that devastated us long ago. And now we are here. We have climbed this far. We are stronger, saner, more secure. Each step makes easier the next step -- each step puts us on more solid ground.

Affirmation:
I may run into some rocks or even a boulder today.
I have stepped around them in the past.
I will do so again.

I don't know how many of you feel like you are on the long uphill climb right now, but I know that I am! It is a very steep one at that! However, I know I must keep trudging forward -- no matter how slowly I take each subsequent step!

I am grateful for the few hands that reach out to me along the way, and it is a privilege for me to reach out to others as they are trying to climb!

Let's keep going! Even when it seems too difficult, don't give up!

I am having to say this to myself right now too! I feel like throwing in the towel, but I know that giving up really isn't an option!

Just a little poetry to help me cope... And some other writing...

Internal Dispute
By: Kim Hembry©
September 9, 2011

Feeling so torn in this journey I'm on...
Trying to remember I've been made for much more...

Trying to let the truth reign within me...
Trying to press on - longing to see -

Longing to see hope arise deep within...
Trying to believe that one day I'll win...

Trying to stand up to ED's desperate pleas...
Trying to ignore the loud mockeries...

Trying to hang on to what truth lies within...
Trying to stand up again and again...

Trying to rise up in the midst of defeat...
Trying to remember God's strength reigns in me...

Trying to hold on with relentless faith intact...
Trying to trust that God's got my back...

Trying to endure the discomfort and pain...
Trying to be strong and stay in the game...

Trying to realize that each step's valuable...
Trying to remember that in Him I am able...

Trying to see truth in the midst of such lies...
Trying to see ED with real and clear eyes...

Trying to trust what my team's telling me...
Trying to understand that one day I'll see -

That one day I'll see that I'm walking in light -
That one day I'll experience abundance of life,

But I must hang on and in patience endure,
So that one day ahead I'll live for much more!

So... This poem was how I was able to get my feelings out tonight...

It has been a struggle since getting out of treatment... I believe I have the "want to" on the inside of me to stand up to ED and to fight against him (especially if I consider God's strength in me), but the execution of doing so has been a little elusive - to say the least...

I met with my therapist twice this week, which I know I needed... I met with her this morning, and overall, I know the session went well... ED got some extra confrontation - some that I, alone, haven't been able to give him...

I really want to work with my therapist and my dietitian -- you know -- like play on the same team as them, but ED has been so loud and fighting quite hard, not wanting to give up any ground... I don't want to fight against my team, but ED has been preventing me from trusting them and being able to follow my meal plan consistently...

My therapist told me today that they (she and my dietitian) haven't really been able to evaluate how my body is reacting to my current meal plan because I haven't been able to follow it consistently... However, they have been able to see the effects of the fact that my intake hasn't been sufficient - such as my skin's lack of glow and luminosity (looking dull) and my hair's lack of shine (also dull), amidst other things... I, on the other hand, have been feeling like I am eating too much... My physical appearance and weight are apparently saying otherwise... I feel kind of frustrated and slightly overwhelmed by it all...

With that being said, I have tried to keep my head up today and have tried to stand up to all that ED's been screaming at me... I think I have followed my meal plan pretty close today, and I did okay yesterday...

It would be so much easier if my mind wasn't so fixated on numbers and wasn't analyzing everything that goes into my body... It would be so much easier if I was actually even remotely hungry... BUT... My head has been so bombarded with numbers, and I haven't been hungry even in the least bit...

Though I feel like there has been a lot fighting against me, I am trying to give myself a little credit for some positive steps that I've taken over the past day and a half... ED is making that quite hard because he's chanting FAILURE! FAILURE! FAILURE! However, I am trying to shut out his voice and realize that doing what my team is asking me to is actually WINNING! and NOT failing!

My therapist told me that she can see that I am very afraid of recovery and that deep inside of me is the belief that recovery and getting better mean, "getting fat." Hmmm... I think she was right... I hate that she was right, but I think she was!

I know deep down in me that I want to be free from all of this, but at the same time, the fear of what freedom means is quite strong...

I am also now reminded that with God on my side, I don't have to worry or fear... "If God is for me, who can be against me?" "What can hurt me if God is on my side?" He doesn't desire that I walk in fear... He desires that I walk in peace... He doesn't desire that I remain in bondage... He desires that I walk in freedom...

Oh, how desperately I need God to intervene on my behalf right now... Oh, how much I need Him to help me see the possibility and opportunity and purpose that await me if I continue... Oh, how much I need Him to quiet my fears and usher in peace as I try to learn to trust -- to trust Him, my team, my meal plan, my body, myself...

Oh... To pray and breathe in this moment is what I need...

As I wrap up this post, I will choose to believe that -- ONE DAY AT A TIME ~ ONE STEP AT A TIME ~ ONE MOMENT AT A TIME ~ ONE BITE AT A TIME -- I will make it...

Affirmations to start off... A Poem to conclude... What a journey this is!

So... I started off the day with a few great affirmations...

I am moving and changing and growing, at the RIGHT pace.
The process can be trusted.
What is right for me WILL come to me.
I WILL let the JOY of becoming warm me!

A special series of events has been planned for me today.
I shall NOT miss it!

I will listen to the music of today.
I will get in tune, in rhythm.
I am needed for the concert's BEAUTY!

You may wonder why I started off my day this way... Well, the road has been bumpy and the journey trying (which I guess should be expected)! The first affirmation is the one that is most powerful for me today! Or should I say it will be the most powerful and important one for quite a while!?!?

When I saw my dietitian on Friday, she told me that I need to be a little easier on myself and accept where I am on this journey at this point... She told me that I have made sooooooooo much progress since first starting with her... That is hard for me to receive and even harder to believe and accept because recovery is painted so black and white in my mind... I feel like I've barely made it even a day in real "recovery." I don't know... Part of me feels like even when I complete my meal plan right now, I really am not "in recovery" because I feel like I can't stop acting out in my eating disorder in some way, shape, or form... Gauging the state of my mind, I feel the farthest from recovery... But... I am probably being to harsh...

Or maybe I am just too afraid of losing ED... Maybe I am too afraid of really working recovery for all that it is because I am afraid of failure and not being able to make it anyway? I know I am still afraid of recovery, but my team has challenged me to do my best to work it anyway right now because without being able to work it, I will never learn to trust it... And without being able to work it, I will never be able to trust my meal plan and how my body will respond to it...

Hmmmm... I also feel like I have no other choice but to work recovery right now, especially because God has placed a few very amazing friends in my life that are super supportive... And they love me too much to let ED win...

I hate that my eating disorder seems like more fun than recovery does...

I guess all in all, I am glad that someone else (my dietitian) can see some light and can see some progress... Part of me wants to be happy about making some kind of notable progress, but inside I don't feel that way... I feel like I've been weak, and ED won't let me feel good about making good decisions... It's like I feel defeated by ED when I work recovery, and I feel defeated by ED when I don't...

I hate that this post has turned into something kind of negative, but I guess it is good that some of this is able to come out of me through a little writing...

I should feel very good about today because I have followed my meal plan so far and have warded off the great urges to exercise, as well as, many other urges... However, I feel somewhat sad and unfulfilled...

In saying all of this, I feel like a sourpuss! I know that God does not desire for me to feel overcome or defeated. ED wants me to feel that way, but God does not! God desires for me to feel empowered and victorious because He's equipped me to stand up to ED in many ways today... I just feel like I have to force myself into being even remotely glad about doing some things right that are in the direction of recovery... That doesn't seem right! Does it?

Well, let's see...

Thought Chain
By: Kim Hembry©
September 4, 2011

I'm sighing deep within-
Uncertain of all of this.

Feel so weak, so overcome.
In freedom, I long to run-

To run in the rain-
To jump and to sing.

What would it be like?
Would it be nice?

Would I feel happy?
Would I feel some relief?

How long will it take-
To feel somewhat safe?

To quiet the voice in my mind-
To stand up to the lies?

When will I feel better?
And not feel sadder?

When will the table turn?
For how long will my stomach churn?

And what about the fear?
And the locked up tears?

Will I get some release?
Some respite of peace?

I am desperate for light-
For hope on the inside.

For strength to press on-
To live far beyond-

Beyond ED's demands-
Freed from his hands.

Beyond condescending pleas-
Freed from his mockeries.

Beyond self-torturing lies-
Freed to see with no disguise.

Beyond the mold and prescribed form-
Freed to live and be reborn.

Freed to catch a glimpse of me-
And someday a tinge of beauty.

But until that day dawns-
I must stand up and press on.

Press on where I am-
With what I hold in my hand.

Take each step one by one-
Until the day of victory comes!