Well, today has been a day of testing, but ultimately it has been a day of fighting to secure the victory. After putting myself in accountability last night for some basic fueling for today in order to stay in this battle and stand, I have been able to take in two supplements so far. I've been challenged by my friend/mentor to have something solid this evening, so I am aiming for some fruits and veggies. Deep down I know I want to be strong enough to keep walking this journey, to push through the deeper places of healing, so in His strength, I'm going to fight for another victory tonight.
I will add briefly that this weekend has been a very timely one for staying grounded and being reminded of the value of putting up a fight in order to continue walking this journey! We've had a special healing/ministry training at my church the past two days. Wow! What a timely reminder of standing in the face of battle or in the midst of a turbulent storm, refusing to give up! What a timely reminder of the benefit of staying checked into this journey, even by taking the smallest of steps forward in faith!
The value of standing or refusing to quit is one of the most beneficial because it is a demonstration of the choice to fight! It is a demonstration of the choice for life! It is a demonstration of even a weak, "yes," that is often muttered even with hesitation, as the battle seems too difficult to win. However, the choice to stand is best executed when the stance is rooted in His strength and His truth. I am so grateful for a couple of friends who have supported me in this stance today! Also, I am grateful I was able to be in the Lord's presence where I am confident that grace was poured out with great measure!
Wherever you find yourself today, stand! Refuse to give up! You can do this! I can do this! We can do this!
ONE day a time, ONE step at time, ONE bite (or sip) at a time!!!!
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
Wow! A very long time! Almost a year since my last post! Kinda walking through a rough patch... A poem from today....
The past several weeks have been difficult ones. They have been marked with many deep feelings rising up to the surface - feelings I've stuffed for years. There was a difficult anniversary at the beginning of the month that served as a trigger for all that's been rising up within me.
Without even realizing it at first, I began falling and slipping into ED behaviors and patterns. After meeting with my therapist and talking with a couple of my friends who help with accountability and support, I started to better see how there is a new and deeper season of healing on the horizon.
Today was a rough day as I finally had just a little time to sit and be, without all of the busyness that has been so characteristic of a typical spring semester. As I sat in the presence of the Lord, desiring just to "be" with Him and let His comfort come, there were deep emotions that arose in me... As I tried to sort through them, I struggled with identifying exactly what was going on, so for the first time in a long time, a poem began to pour forth.
I am embarking on a new journey - a new season of healing - but I know it is valuable to walk through it. It is going to take the grace of God to walk each step though - One by one! The old motto or declaration is revived - ONE day at a time, ONE step at a time, ONE moment at a time, ONE bite (or sip) at a time!
The choice to choose life practically by fueling and nourishing is a very difficult one to make right now. Getting the food in me right now that I really need in order to keep walking this road is harder than it's been in several months. I've hit many places of paralysis in the moment of trying to fuel my body lately, even in getting to the grocery store and getting what I've needed. However, tonight I reached out to one of my mentors/accountability/support people, and I've committed to at least fight by taking in supplements if I am struggling too much to eat.
The truth is that I don't want to backtrack or lose ground that has been gained, but I know that taking in supplements is better than not getting the nutrition my body needs. That's what would happen in treatment if I struggled to get in the nourishment I needed with food and exchanges. It's the way I am able to choose to stand in this battle right now. I have to accept that it is a positive choice for LIFE - even if others don't understand that it is the best I can do at the moment! I want to stay in this battle! I want to win this war! I most likely going to need some support for a little while though!
Here's the poem I wrote earlier today.
"The Tug of War ~ Grace Wins"
By: Kim Hembry©
There's great toil deep within me.
As it rises up, I feel overcome;
Weeping flows, tears fall down.
Desperation makes a relentless plea.
There's an overwhelming sadness.
There's a seemingly hollow, deep pit.
I'm unsure of what resides there;
Maybe hidden shadows of darkness?
There's also a fear set up as a wall;
I'm afraid of what it hides;
I'm not convinced I want to see,
But deep down, I desire for it to fall.
I know I can trust Him Who chips away.
I know He's gentle and kind,
Yet to fully permit the breaking -
Is more troubling to do than say, at least today.
Deep down, I don't want to ward off what's due;
I don't want to resist His touch;
I don't want fear to win;
His love has got to break through -
All of these muddied, blurred waters,
All of the mirages of "what if's",
All of the larger-than-life images -
That only desire for fear to be soldered.
I'm trying to believe He's brought me into safety -
Trying to believe He sees it all -
Trying not to fall away, nor push away -
That which He desires to do in me.
I don't want to hinder His perfect work,
Yet I'm unsure of walking through this part.
I feel like I need a little time -
To push down, ignore, or starve out all that's coming up.
Yet, I know that's not what I really need,
Nor what my inner man is truly saying.
To be obstinate now appears the ultimate failure.
Not wanting to partner with that seed.
It's really hard to mutter even a weak, "yes";
It's hard not to look away;
It's hard not to flee the pain.
"O, Lord, come and break through my stubborn flesh."
It seems the best I can mutter is, "Grace";
It seems the most beneficial of cries.
His grace is needed to fair the storm -
So needed to rise through the crashing waves still safe.
So, "Grace," I call out, "Grace in Jesus' name."
Grace to sit, grace to stand,
Grace to wait, grace to endure,
Grace for patience, grace not to run away.
I am believing His grace is sufficient for me to keep walking this journey. I will not relent even in the dark and turbulent seasons. I will keep walking - ONE day at a time, ONE step at a time, ONE bite (or sip) at a time!
Without even realizing it at first, I began falling and slipping into ED behaviors and patterns. After meeting with my therapist and talking with a couple of my friends who help with accountability and support, I started to better see how there is a new and deeper season of healing on the horizon.
Today was a rough day as I finally had just a little time to sit and be, without all of the busyness that has been so characteristic of a typical spring semester. As I sat in the presence of the Lord, desiring just to "be" with Him and let His comfort come, there were deep emotions that arose in me... As I tried to sort through them, I struggled with identifying exactly what was going on, so for the first time in a long time, a poem began to pour forth.
I am embarking on a new journey - a new season of healing - but I know it is valuable to walk through it. It is going to take the grace of God to walk each step though - One by one! The old motto or declaration is revived - ONE day at a time, ONE step at a time, ONE moment at a time, ONE bite (or sip) at a time!
The choice to choose life practically by fueling and nourishing is a very difficult one to make right now. Getting the food in me right now that I really need in order to keep walking this road is harder than it's been in several months. I've hit many places of paralysis in the moment of trying to fuel my body lately, even in getting to the grocery store and getting what I've needed. However, tonight I reached out to one of my mentors/accountability/support people, and I've committed to at least fight by taking in supplements if I am struggling too much to eat.
The truth is that I don't want to backtrack or lose ground that has been gained, but I know that taking in supplements is better than not getting the nutrition my body needs. That's what would happen in treatment if I struggled to get in the nourishment I needed with food and exchanges. It's the way I am able to choose to stand in this battle right now. I have to accept that it is a positive choice for LIFE - even if others don't understand that it is the best I can do at the moment! I want to stay in this battle! I want to win this war! I most likely going to need some support for a little while though!
Here's the poem I wrote earlier today.
"The Tug of War ~ Grace Wins"
By: Kim Hembry©
There's great toil deep within me.
As it rises up, I feel overcome;
Weeping flows, tears fall down.
Desperation makes a relentless plea.
There's an overwhelming sadness.
There's a seemingly hollow, deep pit.
I'm unsure of what resides there;
Maybe hidden shadows of darkness?
There's also a fear set up as a wall;
I'm afraid of what it hides;
I'm not convinced I want to see,
But deep down, I desire for it to fall.
I know I can trust Him Who chips away.
I know He's gentle and kind,
Yet to fully permit the breaking -
Is more troubling to do than say, at least today.
Deep down, I don't want to ward off what's due;
I don't want to resist His touch;
I don't want fear to win;
His love has got to break through -
All of these muddied, blurred waters,
All of the mirages of "what if's",
All of the larger-than-life images -
That only desire for fear to be soldered.
I'm trying to believe He's brought me into safety -
Trying to believe He sees it all -
Trying not to fall away, nor push away -
That which He desires to do in me.
I don't want to hinder His perfect work,
Yet I'm unsure of walking through this part.
I feel like I need a little time -
To push down, ignore, or starve out all that's coming up.
Yet, I know that's not what I really need,
Nor what my inner man is truly saying.
To be obstinate now appears the ultimate failure.
Not wanting to partner with that seed.
It's really hard to mutter even a weak, "yes";
It's hard not to look away;
It's hard not to flee the pain.
"O, Lord, come and break through my stubborn flesh."
It seems the best I can mutter is, "Grace";
It seems the most beneficial of cries.
His grace is needed to fair the storm -
So needed to rise through the crashing waves still safe.
So, "Grace," I call out, "Grace in Jesus' name."
Grace to sit, grace to stand,
Grace to wait, grace to endure,
Grace for patience, grace not to run away.
I am believing His grace is sufficient for me to keep walking this journey. I will not relent even in the dark and turbulent seasons. I will keep walking - ONE day at a time, ONE step at a time, ONE bite (or sip) at a time!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
A couple of poems I haven't yet posted...
"Mental Overdrive"
By: Kim Hembry©
March 19, 2012
Relentless thoughts invade my mind...
Tossing and turning on the inside...
It's overwhelming.
I feel torn between life, unwilling to cave...
Battling the tormenting pleas - can't seem to behave...
It's gaining strength.
The demands are so strict and won't compromise...
Deep down I don't want to be Ed's demise...
I'm straining for breath.
Yet I try to keep "face" and hide all the pain-
That rages within me; I don't want death to reign...
It's all so intense.
I gasp in disgust as my reflection stares back...
I'm repulsed by a glimpse of the mirror's attack...
I'm shrinking away.
I question whether or not all this will end...
It seems to rise up again and again...
Sometimes I feel hopeless.
Yet I'll lift up my head and refuse to give up...
I'll choose to press on though to do so is tough...
There's too much at stake.
"Battle Cry"
By: Kim Hembry©
March 25, 2012
There's an aching in my heart-
And a breaking in my soul...
So much is stirring within me-
He's promised to make me whole...
The battle that rages within me-
That tears me from within...
Sometimes it seems I'll never-
Come out on the other end...
I'm straining to stand tall-
And not relent the fight...
My flesh shall surely fail-
Yet God fills me with His might...
He's said He's overcome-
He's already conquered the world...
I will choose to claim this truth-
And press on toward the goal...
I won't let fear or doubt-
Come in and override...
I won't settle for defeat, lay down-
Or run and hide...
I will cling to truth-
And I will persevere...
I will surely win this fight-
For my God - my Victor - is HERE!
"Pressure Clench"
By: Kim Hembry©
June 3, 2012
A longing and yearning burn deep in me;
Some kind of emptiness is running deep...
Loneliness creeps in; clouds close overhead-
Yet... I look unto Him.
Feelings of shame accompany the pain-
Disgust and self-hate and such disdain...
I try to press on - never give up-
For... I know He's cleansed me.
A blanket of sadness wraps and engulfs;
The air seems thin, even taking in large gulps...
Yet I feel Him close - His gentle touch-
So... I'm enveloped in love.
Though the pressure's intense, binding me tight-
And the battle's rough - struggle to fight...
I'm reminded He's won - He's overcome-
So... I'll keep standing up.
I'll remind myself at the start of the day...
I'll cling to truth and choose to say-
He's God - the all-powerful One-
I'll fix my eyes on Him - in FAITH!
By: Kim Hembry©
March 19, 2012
Relentless thoughts invade my mind...
Tossing and turning on the inside...
It's overwhelming.
I feel torn between life, unwilling to cave...
Battling the tormenting pleas - can't seem to behave...
It's gaining strength.
The demands are so strict and won't compromise...
Deep down I don't want to be Ed's demise...
I'm straining for breath.
Yet I try to keep "face" and hide all the pain-
That rages within me; I don't want death to reign...
It's all so intense.
I gasp in disgust as my reflection stares back...
I'm repulsed by a glimpse of the mirror's attack...
I'm shrinking away.
I question whether or not all this will end...
It seems to rise up again and again...
Sometimes I feel hopeless.
Yet I'll lift up my head and refuse to give up...
I'll choose to press on though to do so is tough...
There's too much at stake.
"Battle Cry"
By: Kim Hembry©
March 25, 2012
There's an aching in my heart-
And a breaking in my soul...
So much is stirring within me-
He's promised to make me whole...
The battle that rages within me-
That tears me from within...
Sometimes it seems I'll never-
Come out on the other end...
I'm straining to stand tall-
And not relent the fight...
My flesh shall surely fail-
Yet God fills me with His might...
He's said He's overcome-
He's already conquered the world...
I will choose to claim this truth-
And press on toward the goal...
I won't let fear or doubt-
Come in and override...
I won't settle for defeat, lay down-
Or run and hide...
I will cling to truth-
And I will persevere...
I will surely win this fight-
For my God - my Victor - is HERE!
"Pressure Clench"
By: Kim Hembry©
June 3, 2012
A longing and yearning burn deep in me;
Some kind of emptiness is running deep...
Loneliness creeps in; clouds close overhead-
Yet... I look unto Him.
Feelings of shame accompany the pain-
Disgust and self-hate and such disdain...
I try to press on - never give up-
For... I know He's cleansed me.
A blanket of sadness wraps and engulfs;
The air seems thin, even taking in large gulps...
Yet I feel Him close - His gentle touch-
So... I'm enveloped in love.
Though the pressure's intense, binding me tight-
And the battle's rough - struggle to fight...
I'm reminded He's won - He's overcome-
So... I'll keep standing up.
I'll remind myself at the start of the day...
I'll cling to truth and choose to say-
He's God - the all-powerful One-
I'll fix my eyes on Him - in FAITH!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Wow! Someone's Been MIA... And Another Poem...
So... By the looks of it, I've been quite MIA! This past semester got busy fast -- So busy in fact, that I barely even realized I didn't take the time to blog... I guess it's because I didn't really feel like I had the time to take...
Anyway... Now teaching with my students has wrapped up for the year, and I am now trying to take a little time to "be". Deep down I know I need some quiet time in which I can be restored and refilled because I can honestly say I spread myself a little too thin this semester. (No pun intended!)
Recovery has been quite a feat throughout this semester... I'm still in the race, but I've hit some bumps along the way... Today's actually been a very bumpy day... Below you will find a poem I wrote this morning as I struggled to get up to face today...
"The Smile Hides"
By: Kim Hembry ©
The feelings of self disgust override-
The truth that must be locked inside...
The image reflected back at me-
Is repulsive--can't stand to see...
My jaw clenches tight and locks-
I feel stuck, trapped, and in shock...
My pants are tight; feel them touching me-
I need an escape, some kind of release...
The thoughts that run to and fro within-
They condemn me, saying, I'll never be thin...
I feel out of control, flailing about-
Somehow, it seems, there's no way out...
I'm ashamed of myself and what I've done-
I'm embarrassed to be exposed by the bright sun...
Eating feels like the most terrible choice-
I'm struggling to find the healthy voice...
I feel quite overwhelmed and distraught-
I can't seem to do the things I ought...
I'm afraid to speak up - tell what's inside-
Yet I know it won't help to run and hide...
I feel so close to falling off the edge-
Like I'm being dragged by one leg...
I feel like closing my eyes and going to sleep-
That maybe upon awakening, I'd find some peace...
Yet there's a deep rooted truth that quietly chimes in-
That says, "True peace is found in Him."...
That reminds me that I'm meant for so much more-
That says my value comes from the core...
Of who He made me to be - His child-
The one He chose to reconcile...
Yet with these truths rising up-
I still feel bound and oh so stuck...
I feel alone and tossed about in the waves-
A fresh breath of hope, surely I crave...
For no one knows that all this stirs inside-
For with a smile, I've leaned to hide...
The battle is quite intense right now, and though it's been an overall positive year of progress, there is still a long road ahead of me... I am trying to remind myself that it's...
ONE DAY AT A TIME...
ONE STEP AT A TIME...
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME...
And ONE BITE AT A TIME!
Anyway... Now teaching with my students has wrapped up for the year, and I am now trying to take a little time to "be". Deep down I know I need some quiet time in which I can be restored and refilled because I can honestly say I spread myself a little too thin this semester. (No pun intended!)
Recovery has been quite a feat throughout this semester... I'm still in the race, but I've hit some bumps along the way... Today's actually been a very bumpy day... Below you will find a poem I wrote this morning as I struggled to get up to face today...
"The Smile Hides"
By: Kim Hembry ©
The feelings of self disgust override-
The truth that must be locked inside...
The image reflected back at me-
Is repulsive--can't stand to see...
My jaw clenches tight and locks-
I feel stuck, trapped, and in shock...
My pants are tight; feel them touching me-
I need an escape, some kind of release...
The thoughts that run to and fro within-
They condemn me, saying, I'll never be thin...
I feel out of control, flailing about-
Somehow, it seems, there's no way out...
I'm ashamed of myself and what I've done-
I'm embarrassed to be exposed by the bright sun...
Eating feels like the most terrible choice-
I'm struggling to find the healthy voice...
I feel quite overwhelmed and distraught-
I can't seem to do the things I ought...
I'm afraid to speak up - tell what's inside-
Yet I know it won't help to run and hide...
I feel so close to falling off the edge-
Like I'm being dragged by one leg...
I feel like closing my eyes and going to sleep-
That maybe upon awakening, I'd find some peace...
Yet there's a deep rooted truth that quietly chimes in-
That says, "True peace is found in Him."...
That reminds me that I'm meant for so much more-
That says my value comes from the core...
Of who He made me to be - His child-
The one He chose to reconcile...
Yet with these truths rising up-
I still feel bound and oh so stuck...
I feel alone and tossed about in the waves-
A fresh breath of hope, surely I crave...
For no one knows that all this stirs inside-
For with a smile, I've leaned to hide...
The battle is quite intense right now, and though it's been an overall positive year of progress, there is still a long road ahead of me... I am trying to remind myself that it's...
ONE DAY AT A TIME...
ONE STEP AT A TIME...
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME...
And ONE BITE AT A TIME!
Friday, January 13, 2012
Brief update...
Here is a brief update...
I am happy to report I have had a few pretty great days this week! The week started off really rough and was an intense struggle, but I refused to give up! I am having to remind myself that this journey is one that requires immense patience and relentless perseverance and endurance. For me, those things are only restored and built up in me as I spend time with my Abba, who strengthens me for the battle...
I met with my therapist on Wednesday morning, and miraculously I was able to share with her all that I was struggling with, and she helped me to decipher my healthy voice from ED's voice... Since Wednesday, I have been doing my best to take each day, each step, each moment, and each bite at a time and trying to remind myself that even when I fall or take a few steps backward, I don't have to let frustration or defeat overwhelm me because what I learn from even the roughest of days can be used to catapult me along the road to recovery, healing, and freedom...
The same goes for any of you who may be reading!
Anyway, I just want to send a quick message out to any of you who needs a little encouragement wherever you are on your specific journey... Remember that each person's journey is UNIQUE just as each person is UNIQUE! The journey you are walking is not the same as mine, and mine is not the same as yours... However, we are able to come alongside one another with support and encouragement because we do walk similar journeys... Remember that you are WORTH the fight! You are WORTH recovery! You are WORTH so much MORE than ED has offered or could ever offer you! (I have to say this to myself a lot... Even though I struggle to believe it!) Your value is NOT found in any number, weight or size! You are VALUABLE because a Master Creator made you! Lastly, remember YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FIGHT ALONE! You are WORTH another person's time! Be willing to reach out when you need support! And finally... NEVER! NEVER! NO NEVER GIVE UP!
I am happy to report I have had a few pretty great days this week! The week started off really rough and was an intense struggle, but I refused to give up! I am having to remind myself that this journey is one that requires immense patience and relentless perseverance and endurance. For me, those things are only restored and built up in me as I spend time with my Abba, who strengthens me for the battle...
I met with my therapist on Wednesday morning, and miraculously I was able to share with her all that I was struggling with, and she helped me to decipher my healthy voice from ED's voice... Since Wednesday, I have been doing my best to take each day, each step, each moment, and each bite at a time and trying to remind myself that even when I fall or take a few steps backward, I don't have to let frustration or defeat overwhelm me because what I learn from even the roughest of days can be used to catapult me along the road to recovery, healing, and freedom...
The same goes for any of you who may be reading!
Anyway, I just want to send a quick message out to any of you who needs a little encouragement wherever you are on your specific journey... Remember that each person's journey is UNIQUE just as each person is UNIQUE! The journey you are walking is not the same as mine, and mine is not the same as yours... However, we are able to come alongside one another with support and encouragement because we do walk similar journeys... Remember that you are WORTH the fight! You are WORTH recovery! You are WORTH so much MORE than ED has offered or could ever offer you! (I have to say this to myself a lot... Even though I struggle to believe it!) Your value is NOT found in any number, weight or size! You are VALUABLE because a Master Creator made you! Lastly, remember YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FIGHT ALONE! You are WORTH another person's time! Be willing to reach out when you need support! And finally... NEVER! NEVER! NO NEVER GIVE UP!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
A poem of release and refocus... And the start of a new year!
Ready... Set... Go!
By: Kim Hembry ©
12/30/2011
Thoughts cross, making twisted patterns in my mind...
The tormenting pleas and condescending lies...
They won't relent... They seem to abide...
Incomparable comparisons persist night and day...
They're so strong and always prevail...
I just can't seem to get away...
From the ill-formed pleas...
From the dier demands...
Almost constantly I feel quite damned...
There is a piece of me that wants to comply...
Yet a voice rises up within...
It whispers a gentle truth inside...
One that says - "You've come too far...
No, don't go back!
Though you can't see it, you are in fact...
Worth something more - so much better...
You're meant to live and to know a peace...
To experience a richness of a life much greater...
So don't bow down in disgruntled defeat...
You mustn't give up... Please trust me!
There's too much at stake, so hope you must keep...
Each step is important and of great value...
Each moment counts... Time will prove...
If only you'll live and refuse to lose...
Pick up your head and look to the King...
You were never meant to fight solely...
You are being fought for - Will you believe?
Just take a deep breath and never relent...
Though the road has bumps, it's worth traveling...
Keep your eyes fixed... On Him keep your gaze!
You can press on in the strength of the Lord...
You can keep fighting, and Him you'll adore...
Breath in His Spirit and see what's in store...
There's a place up ahead that you've yet to know...
You will see it as you choose to step forth...
Take one step, dear one... READY, SET, GO!
I wrote this poem two days ago after a very intense day of struggle and fight... I was feeling so overcome by the eating disorder... Praise the Lord for a dear friend who helped me decipher what was going on in my head, who helped me separate truth from lies!
I am in awe that a new year has now dawned... During many stages of my life, I never thought I would see the year 2012, but praise be to God that He has sustained me and continued to declare His purposes over my life...
As this new year dawns, I desire for it to be the best one yet for me! The road to recovery is still very trying, but I know it is worth pressing on! I have made the decision to leave last year behind and walk into this year aware of great opportunity and possibility for growth, change, and a greater freedom than I've ever known!
In Isaiah 43, there is a set of verses that challenge us to leave the former things behind and to look ahead to what God has in store... He promises to make a way in the desert and says that He is doing a new thing... I am choosing to claim this truth as my own this year! I do not want to get stuck dwelling on the failures and struggles of the past... I want to embrace the start of a new year and embrace the idea that all things are being made new! I want to be open to all that God desires to teach and show me this year, and I desire to enjoy the process and the journey, recognizing that each moment counts and is valuable in the process of BECOMING!
I will choose to dream big - to persevere - to overcome - in the strength of my dear Abba...
ONE DAY AT A TIME!
ONE STEP AT A TIME!
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!
ONE BITE AT A TIME!
What about you?
By: Kim Hembry ©
12/30/2011
Thoughts cross, making twisted patterns in my mind...
The tormenting pleas and condescending lies...
They won't relent... They seem to abide...
Incomparable comparisons persist night and day...
They're so strong and always prevail...
I just can't seem to get away...
From the ill-formed pleas...
From the dier demands...
Almost constantly I feel quite damned...
There is a piece of me that wants to comply...
Yet a voice rises up within...
It whispers a gentle truth inside...
One that says - "You've come too far...
No, don't go back!
Though you can't see it, you are in fact...
Worth something more - so much better...
You're meant to live and to know a peace...
To experience a richness of a life much greater...
So don't bow down in disgruntled defeat...
You mustn't give up... Please trust me!
There's too much at stake, so hope you must keep...
Each step is important and of great value...
Each moment counts... Time will prove...
If only you'll live and refuse to lose...
Pick up your head and look to the King...
You were never meant to fight solely...
You are being fought for - Will you believe?
Just take a deep breath and never relent...
Though the road has bumps, it's worth traveling...
Keep your eyes fixed... On Him keep your gaze!
You can press on in the strength of the Lord...
You can keep fighting, and Him you'll adore...
Breath in His Spirit and see what's in store...
There's a place up ahead that you've yet to know...
You will see it as you choose to step forth...
Take one step, dear one... READY, SET, GO!
I wrote this poem two days ago after a very intense day of struggle and fight... I was feeling so overcome by the eating disorder... Praise the Lord for a dear friend who helped me decipher what was going on in my head, who helped me separate truth from lies!
I am in awe that a new year has now dawned... During many stages of my life, I never thought I would see the year 2012, but praise be to God that He has sustained me and continued to declare His purposes over my life...
As this new year dawns, I desire for it to be the best one yet for me! The road to recovery is still very trying, but I know it is worth pressing on! I have made the decision to leave last year behind and walk into this year aware of great opportunity and possibility for growth, change, and a greater freedom than I've ever known!
In Isaiah 43, there is a set of verses that challenge us to leave the former things behind and to look ahead to what God has in store... He promises to make a way in the desert and says that He is doing a new thing... I am choosing to claim this truth as my own this year! I do not want to get stuck dwelling on the failures and struggles of the past... I want to embrace the start of a new year and embrace the idea that all things are being made new! I want to be open to all that God desires to teach and show me this year, and I desire to enjoy the process and the journey, recognizing that each moment counts and is valuable in the process of BECOMING!
I will choose to dream big - to persevere - to overcome - in the strength of my dear Abba...
ONE DAY AT A TIME!
ONE STEP AT A TIME!
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!
ONE BITE AT A TIME!
What about you?
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
An update and some pondering...
It's actually been quite a while since I last posted... Probably too long!
Things have been going alright. I have hit certain bumps on the road to recovery, but I have continued to press forward. I have had slips and falls, but my choice has been to get back up again.
On Friday, I saw both my therapist and dietitians. Praise be to God that He is making a way for me to be able to keep seeing them. When I saw my therapist I took a picture with me that I had drawn. She dissected it... As she looked at it, she said a word... A word that I believe is worth pondering... That word was "BECOMING"... She toldme that I was in a season of becoming and that I should see myself in that place rather than in the extremes of pass and fail... Rather than achieve or be a failure... Rather than black and white... Rather than old and new... Rather than was and is and will be... To see myself in a place of BECOMING...
Truly this word brings up a sense of empowerment. I'm not sure if I am understanding all that it encompasses or not, but as I think about being in a season of becoming, there seems to be a pressure that is lifted off of me... To be in a season of becoming may be where I am for the rest of my life, but as I think about it, that may not be a bad thing...
To choose to be in a season of becoming would mean that certain expectations would fade away... It would mean that certain pressures would be minimized... Choosing to be in a season of becoming means accepting the place where I am on the way to where I am going... It means choosing contentment during the process... It means some gray area... It means understanding that there is give and take... Both steps forward and steps back... It means choosing to believe that each moment is valuable in the big picture... It means choosing to extend grace and mercy to myself on this journey, realizing that perfection is not the expectation... It is choosing to believe that both the victories and the failures help to prepare me for the future that awaits me... It means choosing to extend patience along this journey... It means accepting the process and trusting it is going at the right pace... Wow! Overall it seems like a pretty incredible set of possibilities!
So often I get stuck in a place of such high expectation which leads me into a place of feeling defeated and like a failure and overcome... However, being in a season of becoming seems to provide room for progress, knowledge, learning, and patience...
I think all of what I have written is some of what my therapist was wanting me to see and understand... I believe she desires to see me at a place of acceptance for each day that I face... To be in a season of becoming provides such liberty... It nullifies so many of the "have-to's", "should's", and "ought's."
I will latch onto this new idea as I keep taking this journey one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one bite at a time!
Things have been going alright. I have hit certain bumps on the road to recovery, but I have continued to press forward. I have had slips and falls, but my choice has been to get back up again.
On Friday, I saw both my therapist and dietitians. Praise be to God that He is making a way for me to be able to keep seeing them. When I saw my therapist I took a picture with me that I had drawn. She dissected it... As she looked at it, she said a word... A word that I believe is worth pondering... That word was "BECOMING"... She toldme that I was in a season of becoming and that I should see myself in that place rather than in the extremes of pass and fail... Rather than achieve or be a failure... Rather than black and white... Rather than old and new... Rather than was and is and will be... To see myself in a place of BECOMING...
Truly this word brings up a sense of empowerment. I'm not sure if I am understanding all that it encompasses or not, but as I think about being in a season of becoming, there seems to be a pressure that is lifted off of me... To be in a season of becoming may be where I am for the rest of my life, but as I think about it, that may not be a bad thing...
To choose to be in a season of becoming would mean that certain expectations would fade away... It would mean that certain pressures would be minimized... Choosing to be in a season of becoming means accepting the place where I am on the way to where I am going... It means choosing contentment during the process... It means some gray area... It means understanding that there is give and take... Both steps forward and steps back... It means choosing to believe that each moment is valuable in the big picture... It means choosing to extend grace and mercy to myself on this journey, realizing that perfection is not the expectation... It is choosing to believe that both the victories and the failures help to prepare me for the future that awaits me... It means choosing to extend patience along this journey... It means accepting the process and trusting it is going at the right pace... Wow! Overall it seems like a pretty incredible set of possibilities!
So often I get stuck in a place of such high expectation which leads me into a place of feeling defeated and like a failure and overcome... However, being in a season of becoming seems to provide room for progress, knowledge, learning, and patience...
I think all of what I have written is some of what my therapist was wanting me to see and understand... I believe she desires to see me at a place of acceptance for each day that I face... To be in a season of becoming provides such liberty... It nullifies so many of the "have-to's", "should's", and "ought's."
I will latch onto this new idea as I keep taking this journey one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one bite at a time!
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