Wow... It has been quite a while since I posted a real update...
I guess I will start off this update by saying that I am absolutely surprised about what I am about to share...
If you have been following my blog, you know that I was admitted IP back in June and discharged just in time to start a new job teaching Spanish... Well, since being discharged, I have been working consistently with my treatment team, but though I've been trying to work into some kind of recovery, I have been struggling intensely, and I hadn't been able to follow my meal plan for more than two days in a row, and that was even happening very sporadically...
However, I am glad to report that there has been a breakthrough... It has now been one whole week (actually slightly over) that I have met the requirements of my meal plan...
My team has been super supportive and has been doing their best to help me along this journey... They have been gracious but also very honest with me... They have been trying to help me see the tactics ED continually uses to trap me and keep me bound up... They have been quick to point out deception and distortion... However, I have struggled to trust them... I have struggled even more to trust myself...
At my latest appointment with my dietitian (a little over a week ago), she needed to be pretty honest with me and said a phrase she has said countless times this year, "Your meal plan has NO wiggle room..." Once again she tried to explain to me the importance of being able to see clearly how my meal plan fits into each day... how to put my exchanges out in writing to get them out of my head... Well, I had been struggling so much with doing that, and continuously, I failed to meet the requirements of my meal plan...
Last Saturday, as the weekend got off to a busy start, a strength rose up in me that I know came from my Abba... As this strength came up in me, I mustered up enough courage to make a Word document where I would record the next two weeks of my daily food exchanges... I made a place for each day to be recorded... Well, since last Saturday, the strength and willingness to put out in black and white what I have been taking in has continuously risen up in me...
To be completely honest, it has been a really rough and intensely difficult week as I have tried to walk along this road to recovery... However, I have kept walking...
I have been running the following two phrases back and forth in my mind constantly: "IT IS WORTH IT... THERE IS TOO MUCH AT STAKE NOT TO FIGHT..." Honestly, I don't believe these two phrases wholeheartedly yet, but I can accept them as truth, so I am trying to say them until I am convinced in my innermost being...
As I have walked through this week and have been trying to trust God, myself, and my team, I have had mixed feelings... Part of me knows that I should be happy... that I should rejoice in this week's accomplishment... However, a different part of me is beating myself up... Well, maybe that isn't really a different part of me... Maybe that is ED... I am assuming it is ED that doesn't want me to feel good about these victories because ED will NEVER really fight on my behalf... He ALWAYS fights against me! (I am trying to believe this...)
With all of this being said and put out there, when I saw my therapist on Friday, I was able to share with her about this week's journey... My therapist has been working with me most of this year, and she has stuck with me even though I have not been able to be victorious over ED... I know she really cares and has been fighting on my behalf as I have struggled to fight against ED. The first time I worked with her was eight years ago (when I went to counseling only to appease my parents), so when I told her I had followed my meal plan Since Saturday, she asked if she could give me a hug... As she did, and during the minutes that followed, tears rose up in her... She told me they were tears of joy... tears of thankfulness... The next few minutes, silence reigned in her office as tears welled up in me too...
After sharing all of this and bringing forth this update, I stand in awe of all that has flowed out of me...
Wherever you are on your own journey, keep going!
Whatever you do, DON'T give up! NEVER!
Keep walking with me...
ONE DAY AT A TIME ~ ONE STEP AT A TIME ~ ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!
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