Well, today has been a day of testing, but ultimately it has been a day of fighting to secure the victory. After putting myself in accountability last night for some basic fueling for today in order to stay in this battle and stand, I have been able to take in two supplements so far. I've been challenged by my friend/mentor to have something solid this evening, so I am aiming for some fruits and veggies. Deep down I know I want to be strong enough to keep walking this journey, to push through the deeper places of healing, so in His strength, I'm going to fight for another victory tonight.
I will add briefly that this weekend has been a very timely one for staying grounded and being reminded of the value of putting up a fight in order to continue walking this journey! We've had a special healing/ministry training at my church the past two days. Wow! What a timely reminder of standing in the face of battle or in the midst of a turbulent storm, refusing to give up! What a timely reminder of the benefit of staying checked into this journey, even by taking the smallest of steps forward in faith!
The value of standing or refusing to quit is one of the most beneficial because it is a demonstration of the choice to fight! It is a demonstration of the choice for life! It is a demonstration of even a weak, "yes," that is often muttered even with hesitation, as the battle seems too difficult to win. However, the choice to stand is best executed when the stance is rooted in His strength and His truth. I am so grateful for a couple of friends who have supported me in this stance today! Also, I am grateful I was able to be in the Lord's presence where I am confident that grace was poured out with great measure!
Wherever you find yourself today, stand! Refuse to give up! You can do this! I can do this! We can do this!
ONE day a time, ONE step at time, ONE bite (or sip) at a time!!!!
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
Wow! A very long time! Almost a year since my last post! Kinda walking through a rough patch... A poem from today....
The past several weeks have been difficult ones. They have been marked with many deep feelings rising up to the surface - feelings I've stuffed for years. There was a difficult anniversary at the beginning of the month that served as a trigger for all that's been rising up within me.
Without even realizing it at first, I began falling and slipping into ED behaviors and patterns. After meeting with my therapist and talking with a couple of my friends who help with accountability and support, I started to better see how there is a new and deeper season of healing on the horizon.
Today was a rough day as I finally had just a little time to sit and be, without all of the busyness that has been so characteristic of a typical spring semester. As I sat in the presence of the Lord, desiring just to "be" with Him and let His comfort come, there were deep emotions that arose in me... As I tried to sort through them, I struggled with identifying exactly what was going on, so for the first time in a long time, a poem began to pour forth.
I am embarking on a new journey - a new season of healing - but I know it is valuable to walk through it. It is going to take the grace of God to walk each step though - One by one! The old motto or declaration is revived - ONE day at a time, ONE step at a time, ONE moment at a time, ONE bite (or sip) at a time!
The choice to choose life practically by fueling and nourishing is a very difficult one to make right now. Getting the food in me right now that I really need in order to keep walking this road is harder than it's been in several months. I've hit many places of paralysis in the moment of trying to fuel my body lately, even in getting to the grocery store and getting what I've needed. However, tonight I reached out to one of my mentors/accountability/support people, and I've committed to at least fight by taking in supplements if I am struggling too much to eat.
The truth is that I don't want to backtrack or lose ground that has been gained, but I know that taking in supplements is better than not getting the nutrition my body needs. That's what would happen in treatment if I struggled to get in the nourishment I needed with food and exchanges. It's the way I am able to choose to stand in this battle right now. I have to accept that it is a positive choice for LIFE - even if others don't understand that it is the best I can do at the moment! I want to stay in this battle! I want to win this war! I most likely going to need some support for a little while though!
Here's the poem I wrote earlier today.
"The Tug of War ~ Grace Wins"
By: Kim Hembry©
There's great toil deep within me.
As it rises up, I feel overcome;
Weeping flows, tears fall down.
Desperation makes a relentless plea.
There's an overwhelming sadness.
There's a seemingly hollow, deep pit.
I'm unsure of what resides there;
Maybe hidden shadows of darkness?
There's also a fear set up as a wall;
I'm afraid of what it hides;
I'm not convinced I want to see,
But deep down, I desire for it to fall.
I know I can trust Him Who chips away.
I know He's gentle and kind,
Yet to fully permit the breaking -
Is more troubling to do than say, at least today.
Deep down, I don't want to ward off what's due;
I don't want to resist His touch;
I don't want fear to win;
His love has got to break through -
All of these muddied, blurred waters,
All of the mirages of "what if's",
All of the larger-than-life images -
That only desire for fear to be soldered.
I'm trying to believe He's brought me into safety -
Trying to believe He sees it all -
Trying not to fall away, nor push away -
That which He desires to do in me.
I don't want to hinder His perfect work,
Yet I'm unsure of walking through this part.
I feel like I need a little time -
To push down, ignore, or starve out all that's coming up.
Yet, I know that's not what I really need,
Nor what my inner man is truly saying.
To be obstinate now appears the ultimate failure.
Not wanting to partner with that seed.
It's really hard to mutter even a weak, "yes";
It's hard not to look away;
It's hard not to flee the pain.
"O, Lord, come and break through my stubborn flesh."
It seems the best I can mutter is, "Grace";
It seems the most beneficial of cries.
His grace is needed to fair the storm -
So needed to rise through the crashing waves still safe.
So, "Grace," I call out, "Grace in Jesus' name."
Grace to sit, grace to stand,
Grace to wait, grace to endure,
Grace for patience, grace not to run away.
I am believing His grace is sufficient for me to keep walking this journey. I will not relent even in the dark and turbulent seasons. I will keep walking - ONE day at a time, ONE step at a time, ONE bite (or sip) at a time!
Without even realizing it at first, I began falling and slipping into ED behaviors and patterns. After meeting with my therapist and talking with a couple of my friends who help with accountability and support, I started to better see how there is a new and deeper season of healing on the horizon.
Today was a rough day as I finally had just a little time to sit and be, without all of the busyness that has been so characteristic of a typical spring semester. As I sat in the presence of the Lord, desiring just to "be" with Him and let His comfort come, there were deep emotions that arose in me... As I tried to sort through them, I struggled with identifying exactly what was going on, so for the first time in a long time, a poem began to pour forth.
I am embarking on a new journey - a new season of healing - but I know it is valuable to walk through it. It is going to take the grace of God to walk each step though - One by one! The old motto or declaration is revived - ONE day at a time, ONE step at a time, ONE moment at a time, ONE bite (or sip) at a time!
The choice to choose life practically by fueling and nourishing is a very difficult one to make right now. Getting the food in me right now that I really need in order to keep walking this road is harder than it's been in several months. I've hit many places of paralysis in the moment of trying to fuel my body lately, even in getting to the grocery store and getting what I've needed. However, tonight I reached out to one of my mentors/accountability/support people, and I've committed to at least fight by taking in supplements if I am struggling too much to eat.
The truth is that I don't want to backtrack or lose ground that has been gained, but I know that taking in supplements is better than not getting the nutrition my body needs. That's what would happen in treatment if I struggled to get in the nourishment I needed with food and exchanges. It's the way I am able to choose to stand in this battle right now. I have to accept that it is a positive choice for LIFE - even if others don't understand that it is the best I can do at the moment! I want to stay in this battle! I want to win this war! I most likely going to need some support for a little while though!
Here's the poem I wrote earlier today.
"The Tug of War ~ Grace Wins"
By: Kim Hembry©
There's great toil deep within me.
As it rises up, I feel overcome;
Weeping flows, tears fall down.
Desperation makes a relentless plea.
There's an overwhelming sadness.
There's a seemingly hollow, deep pit.
I'm unsure of what resides there;
Maybe hidden shadows of darkness?
There's also a fear set up as a wall;
I'm afraid of what it hides;
I'm not convinced I want to see,
But deep down, I desire for it to fall.
I know I can trust Him Who chips away.
I know He's gentle and kind,
Yet to fully permit the breaking -
Is more troubling to do than say, at least today.
Deep down, I don't want to ward off what's due;
I don't want to resist His touch;
I don't want fear to win;
His love has got to break through -
All of these muddied, blurred waters,
All of the mirages of "what if's",
All of the larger-than-life images -
That only desire for fear to be soldered.
I'm trying to believe He's brought me into safety -
Trying to believe He sees it all -
Trying not to fall away, nor push away -
That which He desires to do in me.
I don't want to hinder His perfect work,
Yet I'm unsure of walking through this part.
I feel like I need a little time -
To push down, ignore, or starve out all that's coming up.
Yet, I know that's not what I really need,
Nor what my inner man is truly saying.
To be obstinate now appears the ultimate failure.
Not wanting to partner with that seed.
It's really hard to mutter even a weak, "yes";
It's hard not to look away;
It's hard not to flee the pain.
"O, Lord, come and break through my stubborn flesh."
It seems the best I can mutter is, "Grace";
It seems the most beneficial of cries.
His grace is needed to fair the storm -
So needed to rise through the crashing waves still safe.
So, "Grace," I call out, "Grace in Jesus' name."
Grace to sit, grace to stand,
Grace to wait, grace to endure,
Grace for patience, grace not to run away.
I am believing His grace is sufficient for me to keep walking this journey. I will not relent even in the dark and turbulent seasons. I will keep walking - ONE day at a time, ONE step at a time, ONE bite (or sip) at a time!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
A couple of poems I haven't yet posted...
"Mental Overdrive"
By: Kim Hembry©
March 19, 2012
Relentless thoughts invade my mind...
Tossing and turning on the inside...
It's overwhelming.
I feel torn between life, unwilling to cave...
Battling the tormenting pleas - can't seem to behave...
It's gaining strength.
The demands are so strict and won't compromise...
Deep down I don't want to be Ed's demise...
I'm straining for breath.
Yet I try to keep "face" and hide all the pain-
That rages within me; I don't want death to reign...
It's all so intense.
I gasp in disgust as my reflection stares back...
I'm repulsed by a glimpse of the mirror's attack...
I'm shrinking away.
I question whether or not all this will end...
It seems to rise up again and again...
Sometimes I feel hopeless.
Yet I'll lift up my head and refuse to give up...
I'll choose to press on though to do so is tough...
There's too much at stake.
"Battle Cry"
By: Kim Hembry©
March 25, 2012
There's an aching in my heart-
And a breaking in my soul...
So much is stirring within me-
He's promised to make me whole...
The battle that rages within me-
That tears me from within...
Sometimes it seems I'll never-
Come out on the other end...
I'm straining to stand tall-
And not relent the fight...
My flesh shall surely fail-
Yet God fills me with His might...
He's said He's overcome-
He's already conquered the world...
I will choose to claim this truth-
And press on toward the goal...
I won't let fear or doubt-
Come in and override...
I won't settle for defeat, lay down-
Or run and hide...
I will cling to truth-
And I will persevere...
I will surely win this fight-
For my God - my Victor - is HERE!
"Pressure Clench"
By: Kim Hembry©
June 3, 2012
A longing and yearning burn deep in me;
Some kind of emptiness is running deep...
Loneliness creeps in; clouds close overhead-
Yet... I look unto Him.
Feelings of shame accompany the pain-
Disgust and self-hate and such disdain...
I try to press on - never give up-
For... I know He's cleansed me.
A blanket of sadness wraps and engulfs;
The air seems thin, even taking in large gulps...
Yet I feel Him close - His gentle touch-
So... I'm enveloped in love.
Though the pressure's intense, binding me tight-
And the battle's rough - struggle to fight...
I'm reminded He's won - He's overcome-
So... I'll keep standing up.
I'll remind myself at the start of the day...
I'll cling to truth and choose to say-
He's God - the all-powerful One-
I'll fix my eyes on Him - in FAITH!
By: Kim Hembry©
March 19, 2012
Relentless thoughts invade my mind...
Tossing and turning on the inside...
It's overwhelming.
I feel torn between life, unwilling to cave...
Battling the tormenting pleas - can't seem to behave...
It's gaining strength.
The demands are so strict and won't compromise...
Deep down I don't want to be Ed's demise...
I'm straining for breath.
Yet I try to keep "face" and hide all the pain-
That rages within me; I don't want death to reign...
It's all so intense.
I gasp in disgust as my reflection stares back...
I'm repulsed by a glimpse of the mirror's attack...
I'm shrinking away.
I question whether or not all this will end...
It seems to rise up again and again...
Sometimes I feel hopeless.
Yet I'll lift up my head and refuse to give up...
I'll choose to press on though to do so is tough...
There's too much at stake.
"Battle Cry"
By: Kim Hembry©
March 25, 2012
There's an aching in my heart-
And a breaking in my soul...
So much is stirring within me-
He's promised to make me whole...
The battle that rages within me-
That tears me from within...
Sometimes it seems I'll never-
Come out on the other end...
I'm straining to stand tall-
And not relent the fight...
My flesh shall surely fail-
Yet God fills me with His might...
He's said He's overcome-
He's already conquered the world...
I will choose to claim this truth-
And press on toward the goal...
I won't let fear or doubt-
Come in and override...
I won't settle for defeat, lay down-
Or run and hide...
I will cling to truth-
And I will persevere...
I will surely win this fight-
For my God - my Victor - is HERE!
"Pressure Clench"
By: Kim Hembry©
June 3, 2012
A longing and yearning burn deep in me;
Some kind of emptiness is running deep...
Loneliness creeps in; clouds close overhead-
Yet... I look unto Him.
Feelings of shame accompany the pain-
Disgust and self-hate and such disdain...
I try to press on - never give up-
For... I know He's cleansed me.
A blanket of sadness wraps and engulfs;
The air seems thin, even taking in large gulps...
Yet I feel Him close - His gentle touch-
So... I'm enveloped in love.
Though the pressure's intense, binding me tight-
And the battle's rough - struggle to fight...
I'm reminded He's won - He's overcome-
So... I'll keep standing up.
I'll remind myself at the start of the day...
I'll cling to truth and choose to say-
He's God - the all-powerful One-
I'll fix my eyes on Him - in FAITH!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Wow! Someone's Been MIA... And Another Poem...
So... By the looks of it, I've been quite MIA! This past semester got busy fast -- So busy in fact, that I barely even realized I didn't take the time to blog... I guess it's because I didn't really feel like I had the time to take...
Anyway... Now teaching with my students has wrapped up for the year, and I am now trying to take a little time to "be". Deep down I know I need some quiet time in which I can be restored and refilled because I can honestly say I spread myself a little too thin this semester. (No pun intended!)
Recovery has been quite a feat throughout this semester... I'm still in the race, but I've hit some bumps along the way... Today's actually been a very bumpy day... Below you will find a poem I wrote this morning as I struggled to get up to face today...
"The Smile Hides"
By: Kim Hembry ©
The feelings of self disgust override-
The truth that must be locked inside...
The image reflected back at me-
Is repulsive--can't stand to see...
My jaw clenches tight and locks-
I feel stuck, trapped, and in shock...
My pants are tight; feel them touching me-
I need an escape, some kind of release...
The thoughts that run to and fro within-
They condemn me, saying, I'll never be thin...
I feel out of control, flailing about-
Somehow, it seems, there's no way out...
I'm ashamed of myself and what I've done-
I'm embarrassed to be exposed by the bright sun...
Eating feels like the most terrible choice-
I'm struggling to find the healthy voice...
I feel quite overwhelmed and distraught-
I can't seem to do the things I ought...
I'm afraid to speak up - tell what's inside-
Yet I know it won't help to run and hide...
I feel so close to falling off the edge-
Like I'm being dragged by one leg...
I feel like closing my eyes and going to sleep-
That maybe upon awakening, I'd find some peace...
Yet there's a deep rooted truth that quietly chimes in-
That says, "True peace is found in Him."...
That reminds me that I'm meant for so much more-
That says my value comes from the core...
Of who He made me to be - His child-
The one He chose to reconcile...
Yet with these truths rising up-
I still feel bound and oh so stuck...
I feel alone and tossed about in the waves-
A fresh breath of hope, surely I crave...
For no one knows that all this stirs inside-
For with a smile, I've leaned to hide...
The battle is quite intense right now, and though it's been an overall positive year of progress, there is still a long road ahead of me... I am trying to remind myself that it's...
ONE DAY AT A TIME...
ONE STEP AT A TIME...
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME...
And ONE BITE AT A TIME!
Anyway... Now teaching with my students has wrapped up for the year, and I am now trying to take a little time to "be". Deep down I know I need some quiet time in which I can be restored and refilled because I can honestly say I spread myself a little too thin this semester. (No pun intended!)
Recovery has been quite a feat throughout this semester... I'm still in the race, but I've hit some bumps along the way... Today's actually been a very bumpy day... Below you will find a poem I wrote this morning as I struggled to get up to face today...
"The Smile Hides"
By: Kim Hembry ©
The feelings of self disgust override-
The truth that must be locked inside...
The image reflected back at me-
Is repulsive--can't stand to see...
My jaw clenches tight and locks-
I feel stuck, trapped, and in shock...
My pants are tight; feel them touching me-
I need an escape, some kind of release...
The thoughts that run to and fro within-
They condemn me, saying, I'll never be thin...
I feel out of control, flailing about-
Somehow, it seems, there's no way out...
I'm ashamed of myself and what I've done-
I'm embarrassed to be exposed by the bright sun...
Eating feels like the most terrible choice-
I'm struggling to find the healthy voice...
I feel quite overwhelmed and distraught-
I can't seem to do the things I ought...
I'm afraid to speak up - tell what's inside-
Yet I know it won't help to run and hide...
I feel so close to falling off the edge-
Like I'm being dragged by one leg...
I feel like closing my eyes and going to sleep-
That maybe upon awakening, I'd find some peace...
Yet there's a deep rooted truth that quietly chimes in-
That says, "True peace is found in Him."...
That reminds me that I'm meant for so much more-
That says my value comes from the core...
Of who He made me to be - His child-
The one He chose to reconcile...
Yet with these truths rising up-
I still feel bound and oh so stuck...
I feel alone and tossed about in the waves-
A fresh breath of hope, surely I crave...
For no one knows that all this stirs inside-
For with a smile, I've leaned to hide...
The battle is quite intense right now, and though it's been an overall positive year of progress, there is still a long road ahead of me... I am trying to remind myself that it's...
ONE DAY AT A TIME...
ONE STEP AT A TIME...
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME...
And ONE BITE AT A TIME!
Friday, January 13, 2012
Brief update...
Here is a brief update...
I am happy to report I have had a few pretty great days this week! The week started off really rough and was an intense struggle, but I refused to give up! I am having to remind myself that this journey is one that requires immense patience and relentless perseverance and endurance. For me, those things are only restored and built up in me as I spend time with my Abba, who strengthens me for the battle...
I met with my therapist on Wednesday morning, and miraculously I was able to share with her all that I was struggling with, and she helped me to decipher my healthy voice from ED's voice... Since Wednesday, I have been doing my best to take each day, each step, each moment, and each bite at a time and trying to remind myself that even when I fall or take a few steps backward, I don't have to let frustration or defeat overwhelm me because what I learn from even the roughest of days can be used to catapult me along the road to recovery, healing, and freedom...
The same goes for any of you who may be reading!
Anyway, I just want to send a quick message out to any of you who needs a little encouragement wherever you are on your specific journey... Remember that each person's journey is UNIQUE just as each person is UNIQUE! The journey you are walking is not the same as mine, and mine is not the same as yours... However, we are able to come alongside one another with support and encouragement because we do walk similar journeys... Remember that you are WORTH the fight! You are WORTH recovery! You are WORTH so much MORE than ED has offered or could ever offer you! (I have to say this to myself a lot... Even though I struggle to believe it!) Your value is NOT found in any number, weight or size! You are VALUABLE because a Master Creator made you! Lastly, remember YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FIGHT ALONE! You are WORTH another person's time! Be willing to reach out when you need support! And finally... NEVER! NEVER! NO NEVER GIVE UP!
I am happy to report I have had a few pretty great days this week! The week started off really rough and was an intense struggle, but I refused to give up! I am having to remind myself that this journey is one that requires immense patience and relentless perseverance and endurance. For me, those things are only restored and built up in me as I spend time with my Abba, who strengthens me for the battle...
I met with my therapist on Wednesday morning, and miraculously I was able to share with her all that I was struggling with, and she helped me to decipher my healthy voice from ED's voice... Since Wednesday, I have been doing my best to take each day, each step, each moment, and each bite at a time and trying to remind myself that even when I fall or take a few steps backward, I don't have to let frustration or defeat overwhelm me because what I learn from even the roughest of days can be used to catapult me along the road to recovery, healing, and freedom...
The same goes for any of you who may be reading!
Anyway, I just want to send a quick message out to any of you who needs a little encouragement wherever you are on your specific journey... Remember that each person's journey is UNIQUE just as each person is UNIQUE! The journey you are walking is not the same as mine, and mine is not the same as yours... However, we are able to come alongside one another with support and encouragement because we do walk similar journeys... Remember that you are WORTH the fight! You are WORTH recovery! You are WORTH so much MORE than ED has offered or could ever offer you! (I have to say this to myself a lot... Even though I struggle to believe it!) Your value is NOT found in any number, weight or size! You are VALUABLE because a Master Creator made you! Lastly, remember YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FIGHT ALONE! You are WORTH another person's time! Be willing to reach out when you need support! And finally... NEVER! NEVER! NO NEVER GIVE UP!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
A poem of release and refocus... And the start of a new year!
Ready... Set... Go!
By: Kim Hembry ©
12/30/2011
Thoughts cross, making twisted patterns in my mind...
The tormenting pleas and condescending lies...
They won't relent... They seem to abide...
Incomparable comparisons persist night and day...
They're so strong and always prevail...
I just can't seem to get away...
From the ill-formed pleas...
From the dier demands...
Almost constantly I feel quite damned...
There is a piece of me that wants to comply...
Yet a voice rises up within...
It whispers a gentle truth inside...
One that says - "You've come too far...
No, don't go back!
Though you can't see it, you are in fact...
Worth something more - so much better...
You're meant to live and to know a peace...
To experience a richness of a life much greater...
So don't bow down in disgruntled defeat...
You mustn't give up... Please trust me!
There's too much at stake, so hope you must keep...
Each step is important and of great value...
Each moment counts... Time will prove...
If only you'll live and refuse to lose...
Pick up your head and look to the King...
You were never meant to fight solely...
You are being fought for - Will you believe?
Just take a deep breath and never relent...
Though the road has bumps, it's worth traveling...
Keep your eyes fixed... On Him keep your gaze!
You can press on in the strength of the Lord...
You can keep fighting, and Him you'll adore...
Breath in His Spirit and see what's in store...
There's a place up ahead that you've yet to know...
You will see it as you choose to step forth...
Take one step, dear one... READY, SET, GO!
I wrote this poem two days ago after a very intense day of struggle and fight... I was feeling so overcome by the eating disorder... Praise the Lord for a dear friend who helped me decipher what was going on in my head, who helped me separate truth from lies!
I am in awe that a new year has now dawned... During many stages of my life, I never thought I would see the year 2012, but praise be to God that He has sustained me and continued to declare His purposes over my life...
As this new year dawns, I desire for it to be the best one yet for me! The road to recovery is still very trying, but I know it is worth pressing on! I have made the decision to leave last year behind and walk into this year aware of great opportunity and possibility for growth, change, and a greater freedom than I've ever known!
In Isaiah 43, there is a set of verses that challenge us to leave the former things behind and to look ahead to what God has in store... He promises to make a way in the desert and says that He is doing a new thing... I am choosing to claim this truth as my own this year! I do not want to get stuck dwelling on the failures and struggles of the past... I want to embrace the start of a new year and embrace the idea that all things are being made new! I want to be open to all that God desires to teach and show me this year, and I desire to enjoy the process and the journey, recognizing that each moment counts and is valuable in the process of BECOMING!
I will choose to dream big - to persevere - to overcome - in the strength of my dear Abba...
ONE DAY AT A TIME!
ONE STEP AT A TIME!
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!
ONE BITE AT A TIME!
What about you?
By: Kim Hembry ©
12/30/2011
Thoughts cross, making twisted patterns in my mind...
The tormenting pleas and condescending lies...
They won't relent... They seem to abide...
Incomparable comparisons persist night and day...
They're so strong and always prevail...
I just can't seem to get away...
From the ill-formed pleas...
From the dier demands...
Almost constantly I feel quite damned...
There is a piece of me that wants to comply...
Yet a voice rises up within...
It whispers a gentle truth inside...
One that says - "You've come too far...
No, don't go back!
Though you can't see it, you are in fact...
Worth something more - so much better...
You're meant to live and to know a peace...
To experience a richness of a life much greater...
So don't bow down in disgruntled defeat...
You mustn't give up... Please trust me!
There's too much at stake, so hope you must keep...
Each step is important and of great value...
Each moment counts... Time will prove...
If only you'll live and refuse to lose...
Pick up your head and look to the King...
You were never meant to fight solely...
You are being fought for - Will you believe?
Just take a deep breath and never relent...
Though the road has bumps, it's worth traveling...
Keep your eyes fixed... On Him keep your gaze!
You can press on in the strength of the Lord...
You can keep fighting, and Him you'll adore...
Breath in His Spirit and see what's in store...
There's a place up ahead that you've yet to know...
You will see it as you choose to step forth...
Take one step, dear one... READY, SET, GO!
I wrote this poem two days ago after a very intense day of struggle and fight... I was feeling so overcome by the eating disorder... Praise the Lord for a dear friend who helped me decipher what was going on in my head, who helped me separate truth from lies!
I am in awe that a new year has now dawned... During many stages of my life, I never thought I would see the year 2012, but praise be to God that He has sustained me and continued to declare His purposes over my life...
As this new year dawns, I desire for it to be the best one yet for me! The road to recovery is still very trying, but I know it is worth pressing on! I have made the decision to leave last year behind and walk into this year aware of great opportunity and possibility for growth, change, and a greater freedom than I've ever known!
In Isaiah 43, there is a set of verses that challenge us to leave the former things behind and to look ahead to what God has in store... He promises to make a way in the desert and says that He is doing a new thing... I am choosing to claim this truth as my own this year! I do not want to get stuck dwelling on the failures and struggles of the past... I want to embrace the start of a new year and embrace the idea that all things are being made new! I want to be open to all that God desires to teach and show me this year, and I desire to enjoy the process and the journey, recognizing that each moment counts and is valuable in the process of BECOMING!
I will choose to dream big - to persevere - to overcome - in the strength of my dear Abba...
ONE DAY AT A TIME!
ONE STEP AT A TIME!
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!
ONE BITE AT A TIME!
What about you?
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
An update and some pondering...
It's actually been quite a while since I last posted... Probably too long!
Things have been going alright. I have hit certain bumps on the road to recovery, but I have continued to press forward. I have had slips and falls, but my choice has been to get back up again.
On Friday, I saw both my therapist and dietitians. Praise be to God that He is making a way for me to be able to keep seeing them. When I saw my therapist I took a picture with me that I had drawn. She dissected it... As she looked at it, she said a word... A word that I believe is worth pondering... That word was "BECOMING"... She toldme that I was in a season of becoming and that I should see myself in that place rather than in the extremes of pass and fail... Rather than achieve or be a failure... Rather than black and white... Rather than old and new... Rather than was and is and will be... To see myself in a place of BECOMING...
Truly this word brings up a sense of empowerment. I'm not sure if I am understanding all that it encompasses or not, but as I think about being in a season of becoming, there seems to be a pressure that is lifted off of me... To be in a season of becoming may be where I am for the rest of my life, but as I think about it, that may not be a bad thing...
To choose to be in a season of becoming would mean that certain expectations would fade away... It would mean that certain pressures would be minimized... Choosing to be in a season of becoming means accepting the place where I am on the way to where I am going... It means choosing contentment during the process... It means some gray area... It means understanding that there is give and take... Both steps forward and steps back... It means choosing to believe that each moment is valuable in the big picture... It means choosing to extend grace and mercy to myself on this journey, realizing that perfection is not the expectation... It is choosing to believe that both the victories and the failures help to prepare me for the future that awaits me... It means choosing to extend patience along this journey... It means accepting the process and trusting it is going at the right pace... Wow! Overall it seems like a pretty incredible set of possibilities!
So often I get stuck in a place of such high expectation which leads me into a place of feeling defeated and like a failure and overcome... However, being in a season of becoming seems to provide room for progress, knowledge, learning, and patience...
I think all of what I have written is some of what my therapist was wanting me to see and understand... I believe she desires to see me at a place of acceptance for each day that I face... To be in a season of becoming provides such liberty... It nullifies so many of the "have-to's", "should's", and "ought's."
I will latch onto this new idea as I keep taking this journey one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one bite at a time!
Things have been going alright. I have hit certain bumps on the road to recovery, but I have continued to press forward. I have had slips and falls, but my choice has been to get back up again.
On Friday, I saw both my therapist and dietitians. Praise be to God that He is making a way for me to be able to keep seeing them. When I saw my therapist I took a picture with me that I had drawn. She dissected it... As she looked at it, she said a word... A word that I believe is worth pondering... That word was "BECOMING"... She toldme that I was in a season of becoming and that I should see myself in that place rather than in the extremes of pass and fail... Rather than achieve or be a failure... Rather than black and white... Rather than old and new... Rather than was and is and will be... To see myself in a place of BECOMING...
Truly this word brings up a sense of empowerment. I'm not sure if I am understanding all that it encompasses or not, but as I think about being in a season of becoming, there seems to be a pressure that is lifted off of me... To be in a season of becoming may be where I am for the rest of my life, but as I think about it, that may not be a bad thing...
To choose to be in a season of becoming would mean that certain expectations would fade away... It would mean that certain pressures would be minimized... Choosing to be in a season of becoming means accepting the place where I am on the way to where I am going... It means choosing contentment during the process... It means some gray area... It means understanding that there is give and take... Both steps forward and steps back... It means choosing to believe that each moment is valuable in the big picture... It means choosing to extend grace and mercy to myself on this journey, realizing that perfection is not the expectation... It is choosing to believe that both the victories and the failures help to prepare me for the future that awaits me... It means choosing to extend patience along this journey... It means accepting the process and trusting it is going at the right pace... Wow! Overall it seems like a pretty incredible set of possibilities!
So often I get stuck in a place of such high expectation which leads me into a place of feeling defeated and like a failure and overcome... However, being in a season of becoming seems to provide room for progress, knowledge, learning, and patience...
I think all of what I have written is some of what my therapist was wanting me to see and understand... I believe she desires to see me at a place of acceptance for each day that I face... To be in a season of becoming provides such liberty... It nullifies so many of the "have-to's", "should's", and "ought's."
I will latch onto this new idea as I keep taking this journey one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one bite at a time!
Monday, December 12, 2011
An update.. and a poem written after a fall...
It has been a while since I posted...
Recovery is a journey for sure! One of ups and downs! One with twists and turns! One that is uncertain! One that is both exciting and frightening at the same time!
Toward the end of Thanksgiving week, I began slipping backward quite rapidly... I couldn't understand it at first, but then after meeting with my therapist and dietitian, I was able to realize that many triggers were present and I was reacting out of old comforts... Even as realization of triggers came, the battle and struggle seemed only to intensify... However, God didn't let me completely sink!
I hit several hopeless days on the journey over the past two weeks, but praise be to God that His mercy is new every morning! I am thankful for my team... They have come alongside me in truth and in love to help me press on through this roadblock and stumbling block...
Friday, a new tenacity (I believe from the Lord) began to rise up in me to do all I could that day to stand up to ED -- to do all I could and to let God do all He desired in me to keep ED from swaying me further off course... I knew deep down I did NOT want to spiral backward completely... By the grace of God and through much support, I met the requirements of my meal plan that day!
I continued pressing on in the fight on Saturday and did pretty well, but that night ED seemed to have gotten the best of me... That's when I wrote this...
Recovery is a journey for sure! One of ups and downs! One with twists and turns! One that is uncertain! One that is both exciting and frightening at the same time!
Toward the end of Thanksgiving week, I began slipping backward quite rapidly... I couldn't understand it at first, but then after meeting with my therapist and dietitian, I was able to realize that many triggers were present and I was reacting out of old comforts... Even as realization of triggers came, the battle and struggle seemed only to intensify... However, God didn't let me completely sink!
I hit several hopeless days on the journey over the past two weeks, but praise be to God that His mercy is new every morning! I am thankful for my team... They have come alongside me in truth and in love to help me press on through this roadblock and stumbling block...
Friday, a new tenacity (I believe from the Lord) began to rise up in me to do all I could that day to stand up to ED -- to do all I could and to let God do all He desired in me to keep ED from swaying me further off course... I knew deep down I did NOT want to spiral backward completely... By the grace of God and through much support, I met the requirements of my meal plan that day!
I continued pressing on in the fight on Saturday and did pretty well, but that night ED seemed to have gotten the best of me... That's when I wrote this...
Frustrated Awe
By: Kim Hembry©
11/10/2011
So overcome by shame and guilt
I am shadowed in darkness
So overwhelmed by ED's strong pleas
I can't believe how I fell
The darkness clouded and overcame -
Me without remorse. I feel lost
The tormenting sound of screeching demands
I am saddened by the taunting
It seemed it was the only response
Yet now I realize it was NOT
An extra large failure... a sure letdown...
I am disappointed in myself
ED overcame and took way too much
It is frustrating to see this
I want to scream yet feel my voice is silenced
I am struck by deep remorse
For falling for the taunting pleas
For failing to supersede
I have fallen prey to the sickening cries
I have landed on my face
I am sunken within and feel without escape
I am longing for amazing grace
To descend upon me - to bring me a peace
I need the Abba's love to surround me
Take my hand and don't let me lose
I want to know what You have in store
Take my hand and walk beside me
I am in awe of Your love
By: Kim Hembry©
11/10/2011
So overcome by shame and guilt
I am shadowed in darkness
So overwhelmed by ED's strong pleas
I can't believe how I fell
The darkness clouded and overcame -
Me without remorse. I feel lost
The tormenting sound of screeching demands
I am saddened by the taunting
It seemed it was the only response
Yet now I realize it was NOT
An extra large failure... a sure letdown...
I am disappointed in myself
ED overcame and took way too much
It is frustrating to see this
I want to scream yet feel my voice is silenced
I am struck by deep remorse
For falling for the taunting pleas
For failing to supersede
I have fallen prey to the sickening cries
I have landed on my face
I am sunken within and feel without escape
I am longing for amazing grace
To descend upon me - to bring me a peace
I need the Abba's love to surround me
Take my hand and don't let me lose
I want to know what You have in store
Take my hand and walk beside me
I am in awe of Your love
This was how I processed what seemed to be like a pretty large fall on Saturday, and I am happy to report that God has come to my aide...
I was able to restart yesterday -- to jump back on the recovery bandwagon! I met all of my exchange requirements yesterday! It took a lot of fight and relentless perseverance, but at the end of the day, it all came together...
Deep down I know I want to keep walking this road and continue on this journey to recovery... I want to know and experience a life I've yet to know...
I will not lose heart as this journey continues... I will not quit nor give up! For my strength is renewed by the One who lives within me! I will not be overcome and overruled by ED... I have been made to conquer and to overcome! Though I may feel tired and weary of the fight, I will remember that my Abba's strength is perfected in my weakness... I will remember that it is the TRUTH that shall continue setting me free! I must remind myself that my value and worth are not found in my reflection nor in a number that blinks on a scale... I must remember that I have been designed as a unique work-of-art by the Master Artist with unparalleled gifts and talents meant to be shared with the world!
If you are walking a similar journey, I beg of you that you wouldn't give up! Keep fighting! Keep pressing on! YOU ARE WORTH IT! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WORTH IT!
Let's take this journey one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one bite at a time...
I was able to restart yesterday -- to jump back on the recovery bandwagon! I met all of my exchange requirements yesterday! It took a lot of fight and relentless perseverance, but at the end of the day, it all came together...
Deep down I know I want to keep walking this road and continue on this journey to recovery... I want to know and experience a life I've yet to know...
I will not lose heart as this journey continues... I will not quit nor give up! For my strength is renewed by the One who lives within me! I will not be overcome and overruled by ED... I have been made to conquer and to overcome! Though I may feel tired and weary of the fight, I will remember that my Abba's strength is perfected in my weakness... I will remember that it is the TRUTH that shall continue setting me free! I must remind myself that my value and worth are not found in my reflection nor in a number that blinks on a scale... I must remember that I have been designed as a unique work-of-art by the Master Artist with unparalleled gifts and talents meant to be shared with the world!
If you are walking a similar journey, I beg of you that you wouldn't give up! Keep fighting! Keep pressing on! YOU ARE WORTH IT! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WORTH IT!
Let's take this journey one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one bite at a time...
Friday, December 2, 2011
Poem I wrote last night... It's been a long week!
Below is a poem I wrote last night...
It has a been a rough week as far as recovery and life go... However, I am not going to lose heart!
Writing this poem helped me to get regrounded!
There is still a lot to catch up on as well, so my hope is to post an entry later today...
Until then, hope you enjoy...
It has a been a rough week as far as recovery and life go... However, I am not going to lose heart!
Writing this poem helped me to get regrounded!
There is still a lot to catch up on as well, so my hope is to post an entry later today...
Until then, hope you enjoy...
Introspective Grounding
By: Kim Hembry©
December 1, 2011
ED’s cunning voice beckons
It’s longing for peace
It’s screaming and chanting
Deep within me
ED’s pleas increase
They become louder
The strict demands
Start to devour
I gasp for a breath
In need of a break
I reach out for help
For my own sake
Yet ED taunts and jeers
Surrounding with threats
Tears start to fall
To him, I’m in debt
He tries to convince me
To yield to his cry
He tries to keep me
Trapped in the lies
Yet there is One
Who will overcome
His name is Jesus
He’s God’s only Son
He came down to earth
He lived and He died
He bore all my pain
So I could have life
He took my place
When He died on the cross
He paid all my debt
And spared me the loss
He’s the reason I fight
He’s the reason I stand
Though at times I feel dry
He’s sustaining my hand
This journey is long
Still uncertain of time
This is such a battle
I strain toward lasting life
Though the struggle persists
And the journey goes on
I won’t lose heart
I’ll look to the Son
Take hold of me
As You hear my strong pleas
Help me to stand
Don't let ED overtake me
For I will endure
In the strength of the Lord
I won’t lose heart
I’ll gladly stand up
For the time is right now
Fear won't overrule
I will lift up my eyes
To the Lover of my soul!
By: Kim Hembry©
December 1, 2011
ED’s cunning voice beckons
It’s longing for peace
It’s screaming and chanting
Deep within me
ED’s pleas increase
They become louder
The strict demands
Start to devour
I gasp for a breath
In need of a break
I reach out for help
For my own sake
Yet ED taunts and jeers
Surrounding with threats
Tears start to fall
To him, I’m in debt
He tries to convince me
To yield to his cry
He tries to keep me
Trapped in the lies
Yet there is One
Who will overcome
His name is Jesus
He’s God’s only Son
He came down to earth
He lived and He died
He bore all my pain
So I could have life
He took my place
When He died on the cross
He paid all my debt
And spared me the loss
He’s the reason I fight
He’s the reason I stand
Though at times I feel dry
He’s sustaining my hand
This journey is long
Still uncertain of time
This is such a battle
I strain toward lasting life
Though the struggle persists
And the journey goes on
I won’t lose heart
I’ll look to the Son
Take hold of me
As You hear my strong pleas
Help me to stand
Don't let ED overtake me
For I will endure
In the strength of the Lord
I won’t lose heart
I’ll gladly stand up
For the time is right now
Fear won't overrule
I will lift up my eyes
To the Lover of my soul!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
An encouraging meditation...
This one is too good not to share! Be encouraged right where you are! Don't give up! Keep picking up your feet to take the step that awaits you!
YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Trust the Lord...
Trust your team...
Trust the process...
Trust the journey...
Do what you can today ~ in this moment!
YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Trust the Lord...
Trust your team...
Trust the process...
Trust the journey...
Do what you can today ~ in this moment!
Dear Important Girl,
There are many situations and times in life that hurt, ache, sting and make us feel utterly miserable. Many times those life experiences feel like they have no good purpose... so they feel unfair, useless and even cruel. These kinds of experiences in life can stop us in our tracks and leave us feeling discouraged, depressed and paralyzed. If we let them, these kinds of times can even make us start to believe that somehow we deserve them, or that they are punishments, or that we are not worthy of happiness, joy, pace and goodness. This is a horrible cycle because we stop moving forward, staying stuck in the lies... when these experiences were ACTUALLY MEANT TO GET US MOVING OFF THE WRONG TRACK.
You see, beautiful friend... sometimes we need course correction. Sometimes we need to be guided back to where we belong. Sometimes we are so far from our own path... our own right track... that there is no other way to get us on track than what is happening that feels so cruel, horrible, and painful.
Now think about what you have learned all of the days of your beautiful life. Think about how situations that you were certain would break you ended up (and maybe it took years for this to happen)... ended up teaching you the lessons you needed to learn... lead you to the people you needed to meet... gave you the strength that you didn't quite have yet... made you into the person you are...
Quite possibly you are in a place that hurts. Remember... remember, amazing girl, that you are on the way to where you need to be... and you WILL get through this rough patch in the road... and that really... there is no other way to get there right now... so just keep going... don't stay in this spot.. just keep going... you are getting there. It will be WORTH it!
You are so very loved... and there is a plan. Keep the faith.
XOXO
(Taken from www.bravegirlsclub.com)
There are many situations and times in life that hurt, ache, sting and make us feel utterly miserable. Many times those life experiences feel like they have no good purpose... so they feel unfair, useless and even cruel. These kinds of experiences in life can stop us in our tracks and leave us feeling discouraged, depressed and paralyzed. If we let them, these kinds of times can even make us start to believe that somehow we deserve them, or that they are punishments, or that we are not worthy of happiness, joy, pace and goodness. This is a horrible cycle because we stop moving forward, staying stuck in the lies... when these experiences were ACTUALLY MEANT TO GET US MOVING OFF THE WRONG TRACK.
You see, beautiful friend... sometimes we need course correction. Sometimes we need to be guided back to where we belong. Sometimes we are so far from our own path... our own right track... that there is no other way to get us on track than what is happening that feels so cruel, horrible, and painful.
Now think about what you have learned all of the days of your beautiful life. Think about how situations that you were certain would break you ended up (and maybe it took years for this to happen)... ended up teaching you the lessons you needed to learn... lead you to the people you needed to meet... gave you the strength that you didn't quite have yet... made you into the person you are...
Quite possibly you are in a place that hurts. Remember... remember, amazing girl, that you are on the way to where you need to be... and you WILL get through this rough patch in the road... and that really... there is no other way to get there right now... so just keep going... don't stay in this spot.. just keep going... you are getting there. It will be WORTH it!
You are so very loved... and there is a plan. Keep the faith.
XOXO
(Taken from www.bravegirlsclub.com)
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Long-awaited update!
Wow... It has been quite a while since I posted a real update...
I guess I will start off this update by saying that I am absolutely surprised about what I am about to share...
If you have been following my blog, you know that I was admitted IP back in June and discharged just in time to start a new job teaching Spanish... Well, since being discharged, I have been working consistently with my treatment team, but though I've been trying to work into some kind of recovery, I have been struggling intensely, and I hadn't been able to follow my meal plan for more than two days in a row, and that was even happening very sporadically...
However, I am glad to report that there has been a breakthrough... It has now been one whole week (actually slightly over) that I have met the requirements of my meal plan...
My team has been super supportive and has been doing their best to help me along this journey... They have been gracious but also very honest with me... They have been trying to help me see the tactics ED continually uses to trap me and keep me bound up... They have been quick to point out deception and distortion... However, I have struggled to trust them... I have struggled even more to trust myself...
At my latest appointment with my dietitian (a little over a week ago), she needed to be pretty honest with me and said a phrase she has said countless times this year, "Your meal plan has NO wiggle room..." Once again she tried to explain to me the importance of being able to see clearly how my meal plan fits into each day... how to put my exchanges out in writing to get them out of my head... Well, I had been struggling so much with doing that, and continuously, I failed to meet the requirements of my meal plan...
Last Saturday, as the weekend got off to a busy start, a strength rose up in me that I know came from my Abba... As this strength came up in me, I mustered up enough courage to make a Word document where I would record the next two weeks of my daily food exchanges... I made a place for each day to be recorded... Well, since last Saturday, the strength and willingness to put out in black and white what I have been taking in has continuously risen up in me...
To be completely honest, it has been a really rough and intensely difficult week as I have tried to walk along this road to recovery... However, I have kept walking...
I have been running the following two phrases back and forth in my mind constantly: "IT IS WORTH IT... THERE IS TOO MUCH AT STAKE NOT TO FIGHT..." Honestly, I don't believe these two phrases wholeheartedly yet, but I can accept them as truth, so I am trying to say them until I am convinced in my innermost being...
As I have walked through this week and have been trying to trust God, myself, and my team, I have had mixed feelings... Part of me knows that I should be happy... that I should rejoice in this week's accomplishment... However, a different part of me is beating myself up... Well, maybe that isn't really a different part of me... Maybe that is ED... I am assuming it is ED that doesn't want me to feel good about these victories because ED will NEVER really fight on my behalf... He ALWAYS fights against me! (I am trying to believe this...)
With all of this being said and put out there, when I saw my therapist on Friday, I was able to share with her about this week's journey... My therapist has been working with me most of this year, and she has stuck with me even though I have not been able to be victorious over ED... I know she really cares and has been fighting on my behalf as I have struggled to fight against ED. The first time I worked with her was eight years ago (when I went to counseling only to appease my parents), so when I told her I had followed my meal plan Since Saturday, she asked if she could give me a hug... As she did, and during the minutes that followed, tears rose up in her... She told me they were tears of joy... tears of thankfulness... The next few minutes, silence reigned in her office as tears welled up in me too...
After sharing all of this and bringing forth this update, I stand in awe of all that has flowed out of me...
Wherever you are on your own journey, keep going!
Whatever you do, DON'T give up! NEVER!
Keep walking with me...
ONE DAY AT A TIME ~ ONE STEP AT A TIME ~ ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!
I guess I will start off this update by saying that I am absolutely surprised about what I am about to share...
If you have been following my blog, you know that I was admitted IP back in June and discharged just in time to start a new job teaching Spanish... Well, since being discharged, I have been working consistently with my treatment team, but though I've been trying to work into some kind of recovery, I have been struggling intensely, and I hadn't been able to follow my meal plan for more than two days in a row, and that was even happening very sporadically...
However, I am glad to report that there has been a breakthrough... It has now been one whole week (actually slightly over) that I have met the requirements of my meal plan...
My team has been super supportive and has been doing their best to help me along this journey... They have been gracious but also very honest with me... They have been trying to help me see the tactics ED continually uses to trap me and keep me bound up... They have been quick to point out deception and distortion... However, I have struggled to trust them... I have struggled even more to trust myself...
At my latest appointment with my dietitian (a little over a week ago), she needed to be pretty honest with me and said a phrase she has said countless times this year, "Your meal plan has NO wiggle room..." Once again she tried to explain to me the importance of being able to see clearly how my meal plan fits into each day... how to put my exchanges out in writing to get them out of my head... Well, I had been struggling so much with doing that, and continuously, I failed to meet the requirements of my meal plan...
Last Saturday, as the weekend got off to a busy start, a strength rose up in me that I know came from my Abba... As this strength came up in me, I mustered up enough courage to make a Word document where I would record the next two weeks of my daily food exchanges... I made a place for each day to be recorded... Well, since last Saturday, the strength and willingness to put out in black and white what I have been taking in has continuously risen up in me...
To be completely honest, it has been a really rough and intensely difficult week as I have tried to walk along this road to recovery... However, I have kept walking...
I have been running the following two phrases back and forth in my mind constantly: "IT IS WORTH IT... THERE IS TOO MUCH AT STAKE NOT TO FIGHT..." Honestly, I don't believe these two phrases wholeheartedly yet, but I can accept them as truth, so I am trying to say them until I am convinced in my innermost being...
As I have walked through this week and have been trying to trust God, myself, and my team, I have had mixed feelings... Part of me knows that I should be happy... that I should rejoice in this week's accomplishment... However, a different part of me is beating myself up... Well, maybe that isn't really a different part of me... Maybe that is ED... I am assuming it is ED that doesn't want me to feel good about these victories because ED will NEVER really fight on my behalf... He ALWAYS fights against me! (I am trying to believe this...)
With all of this being said and put out there, when I saw my therapist on Friday, I was able to share with her about this week's journey... My therapist has been working with me most of this year, and she has stuck with me even though I have not been able to be victorious over ED... I know she really cares and has been fighting on my behalf as I have struggled to fight against ED. The first time I worked with her was eight years ago (when I went to counseling only to appease my parents), so when I told her I had followed my meal plan Since Saturday, she asked if she could give me a hug... As she did, and during the minutes that followed, tears rose up in her... She told me they were tears of joy... tears of thankfulness... The next few minutes, silence reigned in her office as tears welled up in me too...
After sharing all of this and bringing forth this update, I stand in awe of all that has flowed out of me...
Wherever you are on your own journey, keep going!
Whatever you do, DON'T give up! NEVER!
Keep walking with me...
ONE DAY AT A TIME ~ ONE STEP AT A TIME ~ ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Dear BRAVE Girl...
What I have pasted below is an excerpt I wrote and posted on a different website, answering the question, "What would you tell a BRAVE girl who is dealing with depression?"
My prayer is that if you, too, are walking along a path, fighting depression, that you would be encouraged as your eyes pass to and fro over these words...
My prayer is that if you, too, are walking along a path, fighting depression, that you would be encouraged as your eyes pass to and fro over these words...
Dear tremendously BRAVE girl!
First off, I am so proud of you for NOT letting go... I know that many times you have felt like it would be easier to take a complete escape from life, but you haven't! Or, maybe you have tried to escape it all, but by the grace of God, you were saved!
Brave girl, wherever you find yourself today, in this moment, whether that be at your lowest low or at a place of decent functionality, know that today has the potential to be the 1st day of the rest of your life! You may be saying to yourself, "No, not for me... Maybe for that girl, or that girl, or ... that girl, but NOT for me..." Brave girl, don't write off the possibility for change because each moment holds the potential for change if we only latch onto even the smallest seed of hope!
Brave one, please know that you are not alone as you face what seems to be an endless pit of darkness... There is a light! I promise! For years I didn't believe there was either, but little by little, I have seen the smallest twinkle of light grow into an overpowering light that continues to grow brighter as I tread forward on the journey of healing.
Depression does not want to let you break free, but freedom is possible... There is a God -- an all-powerful God -- who sees you, who recognizes you, even if you have not acknowledged Him before. He loves you, even if you have spent your whole life feeling completely unlovable... even if you can't figure out how to love yourself... He loves you, and His desire is to free you from darkness and hopelessness that you have known for so long, that you have even grown afraid of leaving, that has somehow become sickly twisted into a false sense comfort at times...
Brave one, take a deep breath... Close your eyes... Breath out... Take another deep breath...
Now, refuse to give up! It cannot be an option!
Take the first step... which is... not letting go of even the smallest tinge of hope... If you struggle to find it, dig deep! Super deep!
Did you find it? If not, don't give up the pursuit!
You are worth fighting for! You are worth saving! You have been created by a Divine Creator with an unparalleled purpose!
You don't have to walk through this season alone! The same One Who has formed you delights in you and takes pleasure in coming alongside you!
Will you let Him walk with you? Will you let Him in?
You are brave, dear one! You are courageous! Each day you choose not to give up, you grow and you experience VICTORY! Each tiny victory that comes with each decision not to give up leads you on the way to the Ultimate VICTORY that awaits you if you dare to keep walking!
Take one day at a time ~ one step at a time ~ one moment at a time!
Whatever you do, DON'T GIVE UP!
Excerpt by Kim Hembry©
First off, I am so proud of you for NOT letting go... I know that many times you have felt like it would be easier to take a complete escape from life, but you haven't! Or, maybe you have tried to escape it all, but by the grace of God, you were saved!
Brave girl, wherever you find yourself today, in this moment, whether that be at your lowest low or at a place of decent functionality, know that today has the potential to be the 1st day of the rest of your life! You may be saying to yourself, "No, not for me... Maybe for that girl, or that girl, or ... that girl, but NOT for me..." Brave girl, don't write off the possibility for change because each moment holds the potential for change if we only latch onto even the smallest seed of hope!
Brave one, please know that you are not alone as you face what seems to be an endless pit of darkness... There is a light! I promise! For years I didn't believe there was either, but little by little, I have seen the smallest twinkle of light grow into an overpowering light that continues to grow brighter as I tread forward on the journey of healing.
Depression does not want to let you break free, but freedom is possible... There is a God -- an all-powerful God -- who sees you, who recognizes you, even if you have not acknowledged Him before. He loves you, even if you have spent your whole life feeling completely unlovable... even if you can't figure out how to love yourself... He loves you, and His desire is to free you from darkness and hopelessness that you have known for so long, that you have even grown afraid of leaving, that has somehow become sickly twisted into a false sense comfort at times...
Brave one, take a deep breath... Close your eyes... Breath out... Take another deep breath...
Now, refuse to give up! It cannot be an option!
Take the first step... which is... not letting go of even the smallest tinge of hope... If you struggle to find it, dig deep! Super deep!
Did you find it? If not, don't give up the pursuit!
You are worth fighting for! You are worth saving! You have been created by a Divine Creator with an unparalleled purpose!
You don't have to walk through this season alone! The same One Who has formed you delights in you and takes pleasure in coming alongside you!
Will you let Him walk with you? Will you let Him in?
You are brave, dear one! You are courageous! Each day you choose not to give up, you grow and you experience VICTORY! Each tiny victory that comes with each decision not to give up leads you on the way to the Ultimate VICTORY that awaits you if you dare to keep walking!
Take one day at a time ~ one step at a time ~ one moment at a time!
Whatever you do, DON'T GIVE UP!
Excerpt by Kim Hembry©
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
A poem of expression and a call to get grounded!
This is a poem that came together last night after having a very rough day trying to fight for recovery but feeling very overcome by ED. Though there are tinges of desperation as you read it, I am not without hope! I have chosen to rise up today!
What you will read below is just an honest expression of how I felt last night as defeat tried to creep in. My hope is that if you, too, are feeling like ED has gotten the best of you, please do not lose heart!
Get grounded in some truth - you are worth it! Today is a new day, and what awaits us (though it may bring some anxiety) is far better than what ED can offer and has offered us!
What you will read below is just an honest expression of how I felt last night as defeat tried to creep in. My hope is that if you, too, are feeling like ED has gotten the best of you, please do not lose heart!
Get grounded in some truth - you are worth it! Today is a new day, and what awaits us (though it may bring some anxiety) is far better than what ED can offer and has offered us!
Grounding
By: Kim Hembry©
October 26, 2011
ED’s beckoning overtook me today
I feel so disgusted
I want to run away
What I saw reflected, what looked back at me
Caused me to sink and
Repulsed me so deeply
Will the mocking stop, will it ever flee?
I’m so full of guilt
So tired of such mockery
Deep within my soul, I long to be free
Yet, I struggle to let go
And fight the beckoning
I’m taunted by the voices; they echo constantly
I can’t seem to ignore
All that rages within me
I’m saddened to the core - afraid to disappoint
I can’t stand all the torment
I feel like ED’s damn toy
The numbers that pass and taunt me in my mind
They never seem to stop
I feel quite undermined
I try to take steps - try responding to the truth
Yet I seem to be impeded
By constant, tormenting abuse
Yet I know I must press on - I know I cannot quit
I'll show up in spite of pain
I long for some respite
Can you come to my aide, can you hear me?
Am I all alone?
The battle is raging
Please hear my cry - hear my desperate plea
I need some extra help
I can’t do this solely
I’m afraid to let you in - I scream silently
If you heard my cry
You’d surely rescue me
Though I seek release from the hellish life I’ve known
I’m afraid of what awaits
Of what I’ve never known
There’s a promise for something better - for something new
Yet I struggle to latch on
I’ve seemed to be subdued
Though I feel perplexed by all that rages in me
I will keep pressing on
I won’t give up easily
I will lift my head and will keep straining ahead
I won’t surrender
To the bleak plight of ED
It will require the strength that overcomes
I can’t do it all alone
But to God’s strength all succumbs
I’ll take a deep breath and take another step
I am meant to soar
I will not become inept
So in spite of the constant mockery, I will stand up
And fight for victory
I’ve been saved by LOVE
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Be inspired, my BRAVE reader!
What I am posting here is a response I posted on a different website that has been inspirational for me, www.bravegirlsclub.com. A question was asked: What would you tell a Brave Girl who feels like her life has fallen apart and will never be put back together?
Some of who who are reading this may feel like that "Brave Girl", but maybe you don't consider yourself brave... I want to challenge you to see yourself as brave because anyone who does not give up is BRAVE! Anyone who chooses to press on in spite of adversity is BRAVE! Anyone who relentlessly keeps standing up even after countless falls is BRAVE!
So, here goes... This was (and still is) my response...
If I could talk to a brave girl who was going through a rough time who felt as though she couldn't pick up the shattered pieces of her life and somehow press on, I would first let her know that she is not alone, that I, too, have been in several seasons of life where everything seemed to be hopelessly shattered... I would also remind her that she does not have to fight alone, but that she is worth another person's time and can choose to let another person into her shattered space... I would remind her that she is not meant to be Superwoman and face everything alone... I would remind her that it is okay to experience weakness because it is oftentimes in the times of greatest weakness that a new strength is discovered...
I would then look her in the eyes and tell her [or remind her] that she is a unique, one-of-a-kind masterpiece, created by the Master Artist, created and formed for a purpose for good, for hope, and for a future... I would continue to speak to her and let her know that she is loved beyond comprehension and seen by a heavenly Father, that whether she has met or known of Him yet, it is not too late to reach out and accept His free gift which brings with it a promise for LIFE - and that life - in ABUNDANCE! I would encourage her to keep on keeping on even though it seems impossible... I would remind her that even the smallest of steps taken forward are valuable and carry her along the path of her journey...
I would remind her that each and every season of her life is valuable and that even the most horrendous or messy "life season" can be transformed into something miraculous and glorious... I would remind her to take one day at a time, one step at a time, and one moment at a time!
Before I let her go, I would thank her for being willing to share part of her brokenness with me, that it was a privilege for me to be entrusted with some of the precious pearls of her life...
I pray that you are inspired and encouraged to keep on keeping on no matter what season of life you happen to find yourself in at this time. If you are like me and fighting for recovery, keep fighting! You are worth it! Oh so worth it! (Don't worry... I have to be reminded all of the time too...)
If you are the "Brave Girl" who needs to be loved on, encouraged, or reminded of truth, soak it up!
Don't give up! If you have fallen, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, take a deep breath, and realize the today can be the first day of the rest of your life!
Some of who who are reading this may feel like that "Brave Girl", but maybe you don't consider yourself brave... I want to challenge you to see yourself as brave because anyone who does not give up is BRAVE! Anyone who chooses to press on in spite of adversity is BRAVE! Anyone who relentlessly keeps standing up even after countless falls is BRAVE!
So, here goes... This was (and still is) my response...
If I could talk to a brave girl who was going through a rough time who felt as though she couldn't pick up the shattered pieces of her life and somehow press on, I would first let her know that she is not alone, that I, too, have been in several seasons of life where everything seemed to be hopelessly shattered... I would also remind her that she does not have to fight alone, but that she is worth another person's time and can choose to let another person into her shattered space... I would remind her that she is not meant to be Superwoman and face everything alone... I would remind her that it is okay to experience weakness because it is oftentimes in the times of greatest weakness that a new strength is discovered...
I would then look her in the eyes and tell her [or remind her] that she is a unique, one-of-a-kind masterpiece, created by the Master Artist, created and formed for a purpose for good, for hope, and for a future... I would continue to speak to her and let her know that she is loved beyond comprehension and seen by a heavenly Father, that whether she has met or known of Him yet, it is not too late to reach out and accept His free gift which brings with it a promise for LIFE - and that life - in ABUNDANCE! I would encourage her to keep on keeping on even though it seems impossible... I would remind her that even the smallest of steps taken forward are valuable and carry her along the path of her journey...
I would remind her that each and every season of her life is valuable and that even the most horrendous or messy "life season" can be transformed into something miraculous and glorious... I would remind her to take one day at a time, one step at a time, and one moment at a time!
Before I let her go, I would thank her for being willing to share part of her brokenness with me, that it was a privilege for me to be entrusted with some of the precious pearls of her life...
I pray that you are inspired and encouraged to keep on keeping on no matter what season of life you happen to find yourself in at this time. If you are like me and fighting for recovery, keep fighting! You are worth it! Oh so worth it! (Don't worry... I have to be reminded all of the time too...)
If you are the "Brave Girl" who needs to be loved on, encouraged, or reminded of truth, soak it up!
Don't give up! If you have fallen, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, take a deep breath, and realize the today can be the first day of the rest of your life!
Friday, October 21, 2011
Some inspiration... Be blessed!
I couldn't help but post this devotional/meditation today! I am imagining that many of you will be touched and encouraged by it, as am I! Let us remember that each step is valuable in our recovery!
Dear Wonderful Girl,
Making progress is amazing! Making great progress for many days, weeks, or months in a row is a fabulous feeling, and sometimes we think that we can go forever without making big mistakes and falling down.
Remember, sweet friend, that a big part of the progress is the mistakes that we make -- the times we fall down -- the stuff we sometimes call failing.
If you were going along great and then you messed up, or something came along and messed you up, don't you dare even think about quitting! All you've got to do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start over again tomorrow [or maybe even later today!]. This is a part of life that is going to happen over and over again; it does NOT mean you are a failure, it does NOT mean that you are never going to get there, it does NOT mean that you deserve it. It just means that you are a living and breathing human being and that you are completely normal!!!
It is going to be okay, lovely, it really is. Tomorrow is a new day. You get to start over. And if you mess up again, there will be another new day right after it. Just DO YOUR BEST!
You are so loved.
XOXO
Hope this ministered to you and blessed you wherever you are on your journey! I am having to be constantly reminded that the road and journey to recovery is far from perfect! There are twists and turns and bumps -- both big and small -- that will be encountered as we move forward. However, we mustn't lose heart or give up because it is SO SO SO WORTH IT to press on!
Even when we are struggling intensely, we must keep our mind fixated on truth and remind ourselves that we are worth fighting for because each of our lives is VALUABLE! We must remember that no matter how difficult a battle or struggle can be to fight, there is nothing -- NOTHING -- impossible when we tap into God's strength that is limitless!
Be blessed my co-warriors! Let's keep armoring up and fighting this battle! HOPE -- LIFE -- PEACE -- JOY -- FREEDOM are our prize!
Keep on keeping on wherever you are in your journey! I am learning that is all I can do too!
Take one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one bite at a time! That's how we can prevail!
Dear Wonderful Girl,
Making progress is amazing! Making great progress for many days, weeks, or months in a row is a fabulous feeling, and sometimes we think that we can go forever without making big mistakes and falling down.
Remember, sweet friend, that a big part of the progress is the mistakes that we make -- the times we fall down -- the stuff we sometimes call failing.
If you were going along great and then you messed up, or something came along and messed you up, don't you dare even think about quitting! All you've got to do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start over again tomorrow [or maybe even later today!]. This is a part of life that is going to happen over and over again; it does NOT mean you are a failure, it does NOT mean that you are never going to get there, it does NOT mean that you deserve it. It just means that you are a living and breathing human being and that you are completely normal!!!
It is going to be okay, lovely, it really is. Tomorrow is a new day. You get to start over. And if you mess up again, there will be another new day right after it. Just DO YOUR BEST!
You are so loved.
XOXO
Hope this ministered to you and blessed you wherever you are on your journey! I am having to be constantly reminded that the road and journey to recovery is far from perfect! There are twists and turns and bumps -- both big and small -- that will be encountered as we move forward. However, we mustn't lose heart or give up because it is SO SO SO WORTH IT to press on!
Even when we are struggling intensely, we must keep our mind fixated on truth and remind ourselves that we are worth fighting for because each of our lives is VALUABLE! We must remember that no matter how difficult a battle or struggle can be to fight, there is nothing -- NOTHING -- impossible when we tap into God's strength that is limitless!
Be blessed my co-warriors! Let's keep armoring up and fighting this battle! HOPE -- LIFE -- PEACE -- JOY -- FREEDOM are our prize!
Keep on keeping on wherever you are in your journey! I am learning that is all I can do too!
Take one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one bite at a time! That's how we can prevail!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Some truth that somehow came together in prose today... I need a grounding to help me to fight!
I am... ENOUGH!
By: Kim Hembry©
October 17, 2011
I am me, and it is enough...
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I was chosen before the foundations of the earth.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I was knit together in my mother’s womb.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I am God’s workmanship - His work-of-art.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because my Abba has called me by name.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because my name’s written on the palm of His hand.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I was created in the image of my Creator.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because God sent His Son to die for me.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I’ve been saved, set-apart and made holy.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I have been covered by grace and rescued by love.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I’ve been adopted; I’m a child of God.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I am cherished daughter of the King of kings.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because my value exceeds that of the most precious of jewels.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because the Spirit of the Lord God lives within me.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I have been created for a purpose and destined to be.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because unconditional love has been extended to me.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because my Creator makes no mistakes.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because my Father sees me as the apple of His eye.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because there’s a unique call placed on my life.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I’m seen, heard, and never forgotten.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because the price was paid by God’s One begotten.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I have life, and I’ve been given breath.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I am His.
By: Kim Hembry©
October 17, 2011
I am me, and it is enough...
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I was chosen before the foundations of the earth.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I was knit together in my mother’s womb.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I am God’s workmanship - His work-of-art.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because my Abba has called me by name.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because my name’s written on the palm of His hand.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I was created in the image of my Creator.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because God sent His Son to die for me.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I’ve been saved, set-apart and made holy.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I have been covered by grace and rescued by love.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I’ve been adopted; I’m a child of God.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I am cherished daughter of the King of kings.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because my value exceeds that of the most precious of jewels.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because the Spirit of the Lord God lives within me.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I have been created for a purpose and destined to be.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because unconditional love has been extended to me.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because my Creator makes no mistakes.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because my Father sees me as the apple of His eye.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because there’s a unique call placed on my life.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I’m seen, heard, and never forgotten.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because the price was paid by God’s One begotten.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I have life, and I’ve been given breath.
I am me, and it is enough -
Because I am His.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Letting out some feelings through poetry... Trying to calm my mind so I could go to sleep......
Reflection Perplexities
By: Kim Hembry©
October 15, 2011
I’m struggling to bear -
How I feel within my skin
I’m so perplexed within -
Still longing to be thin...
I’m torn between some things -
What I see and how I feel...
I am struggling to stand strong -
Against ED’s beckoning...
Trying to trust -
And believe what others see -
Is actually what’s true -
Not what’s looking back at me...
The battle is intense -
Constantly raging deep inside...
So often I’m overwhelmed -
All I can do is sigh...
Yet I know I must press on -
In spite of what I feel...
I know I mustn’t give up -
I must face that which is real...
Each day the battle rages -
Each day I must stand up...
There’s so much churning within -
Surely I can’t give up...
The terrain I’m standing on -
The waves I’m swimming through -
Oh, they seem impossible;
My only Hope is You...
Listen to my cry-
Hear my beckoning...
Come to my side -
Don’t leave me alone nor flee.
I will look to You -
I will cling to Your truth...
I will not give up -
I’ll fix my eyes on You.
By: Kim Hembry©
October 15, 2011
I’m struggling to bear -
How I feel within my skin
I’m so perplexed within -
Still longing to be thin...
I’m torn between some things -
What I see and how I feel...
I am struggling to stand strong -
Against ED’s beckoning...
Trying to trust -
And believe what others see -
Is actually what’s true -
Not what’s looking back at me...
The battle is intense -
Constantly raging deep inside...
So often I’m overwhelmed -
All I can do is sigh...
Yet I know I must press on -
In spite of what I feel...
I know I mustn’t give up -
I must face that which is real...
Each day the battle rages -
Each day I must stand up...
There’s so much churning within -
Surely I can’t give up...
The terrain I’m standing on -
The waves I’m swimming through -
Oh, they seem impossible;
My only Hope is You...
Listen to my cry-
Hear my beckoning...
Come to my side -
Don’t leave me alone nor flee.
I will look to You -
I will cling to Your truth...
I will not give up -
I’ll fix my eyes on You.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
A declaration... I will keep pressing on!
Here is a declaration I wrote this morning that I will be clinging to in the coming moments, hours, days, and weeks...
I have been having a very hard time fighting and standing up to ED... However, I know that I must get tenacious about standing up to ED, so I can stand up for LIFE!
After two confrontational appointments this week, I became more aware that I have been quite paralyzed because of fear...
I have chosen to adapt a few powerful scriptures and promises into the first person to use to help build me up and to help equip me for what seems like an impossible battle ahead of me... In my own strength, it is impossible to press on, but I will choose to believe that in His strength, it is possible!
So... Here goes...
I have been having a very hard time fighting and standing up to ED... However, I know that I must get tenacious about standing up to ED, so I can stand up for LIFE!
After two confrontational appointments this week, I became more aware that I have been quite paralyzed because of fear...
I have chosen to adapt a few powerful scriptures and promises into the first person to use to help build me up and to help equip me for what seems like an impossible battle ahead of me... In my own strength, it is impossible to press on, but I will choose to believe that in His strength, it is possible!
So... Here goes...
"For You will fully satisfy my weary soul, and You will replenish me and restore me from all my languishing and sorrow. For Your love is my well worn path. Your unfailing love surrounds me, Lord! For my HOPE is in You alone! My inner self waits earnestly for You, Lord; You, are my HELP and my SHIELD. I seek after You, inquire of You, and require You of necessity and on the authority of Your Word, and You hear me, and You DELIVER me from all my fears."
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)