Going IP... What it means for me... A reflection...

"They say she is going backward...
Indeed she is...
She is getting ready to take a GIANT leap forward."

Going IP right now is NOT punishment! It doesn't mean I have failed! It doesn't mean I am weak! Actually, on the contrary, it means that I am STRONG and COURAGEOUS and BRAVE! It means that I recognize the VALUE that is in my LIFE, that I am willing to admit that I need help trying to FIGHT for it and SAVE it right now! It just means that I am willing to let go of the reigns for a little while and let someone else take them over for a little bit, so I can be built up - mentally, emotionally, and physically - so I can be RESTORED to fight and press on in this battle!

Going IP right now is NOT a setback or a back-step, but rather, it is a tool that will be used as a CATALYST that WILL PROPEL me onward in my journey to RECOVERY!

Going IP right now does NOT shame me, but rather, it HUMBLES me as I admit that I need a little extra help right now!

Going IP is not selfish, but rather it is how I can CHOOSE to take care of me right now!

My day so far... Phew!!!!!! I'm exhausted already!

I just wanted to update all of you on how my day has gone so far...

Whew! It has been a whirlwind! First off, thank you to all of you who are following me and are supporting me with your prayers and encouragement... I really don't know what I would do without you! I mean that!

Okay, so an update... I walked into my counselor's office this morning. My goal for yesterday was to arrive there when I go up this morning... I really want much more out of life than to just show up, but that is all I could muster up the strength to fight for yesterday... I was both nervous and relieved that I had made it to her office... The moment she saw me, she knew what I needed... I did too!

I was relieved to walk into a safe place where I could crumble and fall apart... Where there was NO judgment... She contacted the treatment hospital in Dallas and called my doctor, and then as I finished my session with her, she sent me to the ER to get some fluids and get my levels checked... I didn't have an option to not go really, so since they were expecting me and ready for me, I went... I got some fluids and some potassium to help carry me over until I can get into treatment... Most of my other levels were okay, which makes it so hard to really believe I need IP or Partial or IOP right now... But, I know I have to fight those lies... I am really not okay and haven't been for quite a while... My body has just put up too good of a fight... and ED has done too well at convincing me that I am fine!

So, after I got discharged, I had to call the treatment center in Dallas... I will be going in on Wednesday at 1:00 PM. I will be evaluated by the Dr. in charge of the ED unit, and I will be admitted to the needed level of care either that night or the following day... That's how it sounds at least... I need to call back and find out some more details, but I am just trying to process what I have already went through today...

I called my best friend while I was getting fluids, and got some much needed venting out...

I haven't talked to my parents yet, and I am still completely overwhelmed by how to tell them... Also, I do have insurance, but there is still a pretty hefty out of pocket expense (still need to find out more about this too), and I don't have the money... Thankfully, I had enough for my IV and today to cover my ER copay, but I am going to have to ask my parents to help financially. That complicates the whole situation... I am already overwhelmed by having to be blunt and honest with them at all... I just don't know how to go about it... I will have to figure it out asap, but I am just so overwhelmed by it at the moment... I may have to go to the ER again between now and Wednesday if I can't manage to get anything in me, so that would be another chunk of change... I am trying to remember that my life doesn't have a price tag, but I feel like such a burden... My parents are trying to get themselves out of debt right now, and just thinking about all of this is too much right now, and I just seem to be an extra burden to bear...

Okay, that was a lot of rambling...

Overall, I am relieved that some of the steps are behind me, but there are still so many unknowns and many crucial steps to try to get me to Wednesday... I am hoping to see my counselor on Monday or Tuesday again since I can't get into treatment until Wednesday...

I am trying to process all of this right now... I know I need the extra help to keep me alive right now... I told my counselor this morning that it wasn't that I gave up fighting, but that rather, I still want to fight and just need someone else to take over for a little while...

I am trying to let the truth that both my counselor and a good friend told me recently reign in my mind right now... "Going IP right now is NOT punishment... It doesn't mean that I have failed... It doesn't mean that I am weak... It actually means that I am STRONG, and COURAGEOUS, and BRAVE... It just means that I recognize the value that is in my life, and I am willing to admit that I need help trying to fight for it and save it right now... It just means that I am willing to let go of the reigns for a little while and let someone else take over for a bit... So I can be built back up, mentally, emotionally, physically, and pscyhologically..." These things I am trying to focus on right now...

I am terrified of losing all of the control, but I really want to choose life, and I can't seem to make consistent rational choices that lead me to LIFE right now, so I am willing to trust my counselor's judgment since my brain functioning is kinda impaired...

So, one moment at a time until I make it to Wednesday... For those of you who actually took the time to read all of this, thank you! That means a lot that you really care that much! I will keep you updated and will do my best to keep you posted on my status... Thank you again for your support.

I am clinging onto the hand of my God right now as the only thing that is stable, and so for those of you who are prayer warriors, your prayers are much appreciated! Love you all so much!

So, my journey to RECOVERY continues...

ONE DAY AT A TIME!
ONE STEP AT A TIME!
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!
ONE SIP AT A TIME!
(and now probably)
ONE TUBE AT A TIME!
(at least for a little while)

I will do my best to be still in this moment and know that my God is still God... I will pray and breathe, as I wrote in my journal yesterday, I will declare that:

I am a FIGHTER,
and
I WILL OVERCOME!!!!!!!

Okay, I think that is about all I can get out right now...

Poetry to end the day... To set my mind at ease...

Desperate For
By: Kim Hembry
June 22, 2011

As I ponder the days that stand before me -
As I try to give place to rational clarity -
I'm desperate for my Abba's arms to hold me.

As fear rises up and pressure builds -
As my heart races and fights to yield -
I'm desperate to be guarded by His shield.

As thoughts rage and lies build up -
As uncertainty rises about the days to come -
I'm desperate to be enveloped by His LOVE.

As this day comes to a close -
As I shut my eyes, Only heaven knows -
What will come to pass - what tomorrow holds.

Poem of reflection... Today's journey...

Internal Pondering

By: Kim Hembry ©

June 21, 2011

Encountered by truth and forced to see

Rather than negate the reality

Of the daily abuse my body’s endured

The rising effects that I easily ignore

Forced to unveil what lies underneath

The carefully placed mask that prevents revealing

The intensity of the struggle, the sadness and pain -

The tormenting battle and debilitating self-hate

The silent screams and cry for release

The restlessness and gut-renching pleas

I’m trying to see clearly and not deny

That I need something in me to stay alive

I’m fighting the feeling of fullness inside

I feel huge and only want to hide

From the voices that continue mocking me

From the tormenting lies of certain defeat

Because I gave in to the weakness to feed

And to nourish my brain and my body

I’m trying to think rationally and within reason

I need to ignore ED’s plaguing poison

Of torment and lies, of deceit-filled eyes

Of the tempting bait so well disguised

The longing for release rises within

But I’ve already promised not to give in

But I want to escape how I feel so badly

A quick relief I’d snatch up so gladly

But I know I need to fight the feeling that comes

I know I need to stand up rather than succumb

To the loud demands and constant beckoning

That try to convince me that it wouldn’t hurt anything

Oh, to break free from this raging, living hell

Would be relief - it would surely be swell!

But I’ll run into His everlasting arms

Where I will be shielded from the potential harms

Of giving in to ED’s loud pleas

Or of seeking my own form of peace

Today will go down - be marked in history

And God’s immense love as a certain mystery

For it is only by His grace that I’ve been sustained

That I have survived this long and difficult day

So praise be to God - His unyielding strength

He rose up and fought on behalf of me!

An update for today... Trying to choose joy in the midst of some harsh realities...

So... More hard truth and confrontation awaited me today as I entered my counselor's office... If you have been following my blog, you know that for the past month or so, I have really been struggling to get my intake in... I have been processing some deep rooted things in counseling lately, but I have still been struggling so hard with the practical side of intake - getting my supplements in...

Well, part of my unpleasant confrontation came on Friday when I saw my nutritionist, when she told me I had NO wiggle room... But today came the sequel...

I entered my counselor's office, and I was completely honest with her about how I am doing and how I have been doing... I didn't hold back any of the struggles I've been having... I really didn't want to tell her about two very bad nights I had over the weekend, but I knew I needed to... I want RECOVERY and FREEDOM too bad to be deceptive or manipulative or lie anymore!

Well, I know I needed to share with her all that I did, but I really didn't want to have to hear what she needed to say to me... She mentioned going IP... As she started talking about it, she tried to assure me that going IP would not be punishment nor would it mean that I have failed... She was concerned when she saw me today... She is worried that because I have been struggling so much to get even the slightest bit of intake in, my brain is not being fed and is thus not functioning well... She said that going IP would be something that could carry me over this hump and propel me forward in RECOVERY...

My team has given me many chances over the past six to eight weeks to try and make some strides myself with their assistance, but the battle and fight for my life has been so intense, and despite the desire to press on and choose recovery, I have not managed to do very well with the practical side of refeeding...

So... My counselor told me that I have this week to try and manage my intake - to try and get it in... (I know that even the level of intake I have prescribed by my nutritionist right now is the bare minimum that I need to function and feed my brain... That terrifies me because it already feels like way too much to take in... and I am no where near where I need to be to stop weight loss... But I really don't want to stop losing weight either...) If I can't manage my intake supplements, then I will be going IP as soon as next week... My counselor told me that she would rather let me keep trying to manage the refeeding process outside of the hospital and learn how to manage the physical symptoms by body fights with and overcome the obstacles, but if I can't get in even the minimum level of intake, she is too worried that I will lose my life and that I will hit to many points of no return... and that I will have to go IP to get the nutrients forced into me that my brain needs to equip me to keep fighting for RECOVERY...

I really don't want to have to go IP... I really don't! I am trying to keep my head up, and I have been trying to press through and fight today!

I got in my first round of intake during my counseling session this morning... She wasn't going to let me leave until I got it down... I have managed to push through the subsequent rounds throughout the rest of the day so far too, and I am determined to finish all of my supplements today, but I am feeling so full, so disgusting, so bloated, so fat... My tummy has been hurting off and on all day, and my GI system has been putting up a fight... But I am trying to press on so maybe I can earn the right to keep fight outside of the hospital!

I know that God has still been doing some supernatural sustaining of my body... I haven't had any solids since February... And through the months of March and April, I didn't have anything really going into me... During the month of April, I only managed to get in one bottle of Boost... Starvation should have already gotten the best of me, but somehow, I have kept on making it through...

I will keep pressing on to try and make it through today!

ONE STEP AT A TIME!

ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!

ONE SIP AT A TIME!

I am trying to keep my head up and choose joy and a positive outlook and attitude in spite of everything that I am facing right now because God's Word says the following...

"A glad heart makes a cheerful countenance,

but by sorrow of heart the spirit is broken."

Proverbs 15:13

&

"A happy heart is good medicine

and a cheerful mind works healing

but a broken spirit dries up the bones."

Proverbs 17:22

Therefore, I am trying to let peace rule and reign in my heart and in my mind as I receive the truth from the members of my team and as I try to press on in this journey to RECOVERY and this fight for my LIFE!

Poem I wrote last night when I was choosing to stand up to ED...

Raging Moment

By: Kim Hembry ©

June 20, 2011

Trying to resist the dark and desperate plea

Trying to resist ED’s beckoning

I promised I would fight tonight

That I wouldn’t give in to the lie

But the only thing that seems to come

Is the thought that tomorrow I can run

To fill the desire that rises within

And still manage to fight to be thin

I chose to deny the cry for release

I chose to stand up to ED’s cunning deceit

But I push through this night, trying to stand up to him

But tomorrow he’ll gain some ground, and he’ll probably win

I’m in need of release, in need of some peace

But how can I keep fighting yet experience some relief?

The strain that rises, the pressure that builds

Seems only to promise hope if I yield

To the voices that scream and rage in my mind

That never cease, that continually bind

I’m so torn inside; yet I don’t want to hurt

Those who are fighting for me to endure

The battle that rages, the fight for my life

The intense, increasing struggle to press on and survive

I’m lost in confusion, trying to seek the truth

But I’m hardly able to stand up to ED’s abuse

The hell that rages, that’s become so real

That’s helped to keep me from being able to feel

The pain that rages, the sorrow within

I’m still fighting the want to be thin

I don’t know how to stand up to his voice

Even though I’ve been told I have a choice

The battle for my life grows harder every day

The choice to show up, not to give up and sway

Only seems to increase, to become more trying

Somehow I never realize that I’m slowly dying

Is it even possible to resist all the lies

Can I really escape the torment and disguise?

There is so much raging in my soul

I’m longing to be heard, to be made whole

Is it possible for me to overcome

The voices that rage inside, the growing temptation to run?

Can I stand up? Can i keep fighting?

Or is it nuts that I’m still trying?

To fight for my life, to keep pressing on

The battle’s too intense and strong

But somehow I will not give up and quit

Because deep down I want to live

Poetry for today... The processing I needed to get started!

Twisted Resolve

By: Kim Hembry ©

June 20, 2011

Immense confusion rages within

As my eyes open

With another day to begin

The whisper of hope that came yesterday

Seems now only to be

A mirage and a distant fantasy

As I feel overcome by last night’s defeat

As I can’t believe

What I let myself be

I don’t feel allowed or permitted to fight

After falling so hard

My mouth is shut and barred tight

I feel like I can’t have anything today

That there’s no way

That it’s the price I must pay

For failing again, for succumbing to

The desire to have release

For seeking my own feeling of peace

And then the thought comes and convinces me

That there’s really nothing wrong

There’s nothing wrong with me

That compared to what has characterized past days

I’m really in a much better place

That I am actually safe

But those are the thoughts

The ones I must fight

If I really do want to save my life

The light must break in

I need some clarity

To come forth so that I’ll plainly see

A reflection that’s true rather than skewed

The jumbled thoughts

In comparison to what’s true

But then comes the voice that pipes in to say

That it’s not worth the fight

I won’t make it anyway

That in spite of making strides and putting forth effort

That it will never pay off

That I’ll only find failure

That based on what my nutritionist had to say

Recovery can’t be used

To describe this day

Because it’s already late and my schedule is shot

That it doesn’t really matter

That I ought not

Try and take a step to nourish myself

Because I won’t succeed

That I’ll only delve

Into more self-hate and self-disgust

As my body grows larger

I will surely bust

Because I’m too fat and need to lose weight

What would give me the right

To face my intake?

A deep pitted scream rises from inside

But as I try to let it out

Silence is the only cry

My voice has been taken and traded in for

ED’s demanding voice

That controls me from the core

From the depth of my being I’ve been overcome

When I try to speak up

There’s nothing but a hum

That is heard by my ears as I open my mouth

Even when I try to raise my voice

And let out a huge shout

But in spite of feeling like a puppet on a string

In spite of the torment

I will stand up to ED’s beckoning

For there is a small light breaking in

That’s revealing to me

That with ED, I will never win

That no matter what I do or don’t do

His voice will be harsh and cold

That he will always beat me up, keep me in a choke hold

So since his only promise is to take away my life

I will choose to stand up

And I will choose to fight

As he allows death to knock daily on my door

I will rise up

With my God, I will soar

I will soar above the storm that has never let up

I will finally put ED in his place

I will make him shut up

I don’t need a loud, strong voice to call out for help

For God hears the desperate pleas

That come from the depth of my heart

So as I gauge this new day

My God will come

And He will somehow make a way

For me to stand up - that I may press on

To make the choice to live

And to move far beyond

What I’ve settled to live for over the years

What I’ve held onto

That has only caused tears

It is only in His strength that I can rise

It is only He

That can give me new eyes

To see what is true and to hold onto hope

It is His pure love

That will continue to show

Me that I do have a strong voice

That it will be heard

To exercise my power of choice

So I will trust that its sound will be released

As I open my mouth to say

“ED! Just let me be!”