Twisted Resolve
By: Kim Hembry ©
June 20, 2011
Immense confusion rages within
As my eyes open
With another day to begin
The whisper of hope that came yesterday
Seems now only to be
A mirage and a distant fantasy
As I feel overcome by last night’s defeat
As I can’t believe
What I let myself be
I don’t feel allowed or permitted to fight
After falling so hard
My mouth is shut and barred tight
I feel like I can’t have anything today
That there’s no way
That it’s the price I must pay
For failing again, for succumbing to
The desire to have release
For seeking my own feeling of peace
And then the thought comes and convinces me
That there’s really nothing wrong
There’s nothing wrong with me
That compared to what has characterized past days
I’m really in a much better place
That I am actually safe
But those are the thoughts
The ones I must fight
If I really do want to save my life
The light must break in
I need some clarity
To come forth so that I’ll plainly see
A reflection that’s true rather than skewed
The jumbled thoughts
In comparison to what’s true
But then comes the voice that pipes in to say
That it’s not worth the fight
I won’t make it anyway
That in spite of making strides and putting forth effort
That it will never pay off
That I’ll only find failure
That based on what my nutritionist had to say
Recovery can’t be used
To describe this day
Because it’s already late and my schedule is shot
That it doesn’t really matter
That I ought not
Try and take a step to nourish myself
Because I won’t succeed
That I’ll only delve
Into more self-hate and self-disgust
As my body grows larger
I will surely bust
Because I’m too fat and need to lose weight
What would give me the right
To face my intake?
A deep pitted scream rises from inside
But as I try to let it out
Silence is the only cry
My voice has been taken and traded in for
ED’s demanding voice
That controls me from the core
From the depth of my being I’ve been overcome
When I try to speak up
There’s nothing but a hum
That is heard by my ears as I open my mouth
Even when I try to raise my voice
And let out a huge shout
But in spite of feeling like a puppet on a string
In spite of the torment
I will stand up to ED’s beckoning
For there is a small light breaking in
That’s revealing to me
That with ED, I will never win
That no matter what I do or don’t do
His voice will be harsh and cold
That he will always beat me up, keep me in a choke hold
So since his only promise is to take away my life
I will choose to stand up
And I will choose to fight
As he allows death to knock daily on my door
I will rise up
With my God, I will soar
I will soar above the storm that has never let up
I will finally put ED in his place
I will make him shut up
I don’t need a loud, strong voice to call out for help
For God hears the desperate pleas
That come from the depth of my heart
So as I gauge this new day
My God will come
And He will somehow make a way
For me to stand up - that I may press on
To make the choice to live
And to move far beyond
What I’ve settled to live for over the years
What I’ve held onto
That has only caused tears
It is only in His strength that I can rise
It is only He
That can give me new eyes
To see what is true and to hold onto hope
It is His pure love
That will continue to show
Me that I do have a strong voice
That it will be heard
To exercise my power of choice
So I will trust that its sound will be released
As I open my mouth to say
“ED! Just let me be!”
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