Poem I wrote last night after a very rough day...

Hindsight Reflection

By: Kim Hembry ©

June 18, 2011

At the end of this day, I’m enveloped by pain

ED won after I tried to fight through the strain

ED got the best of me and overtook the day

I fell in many ridiculous, dumb, and shameful ways

I am disgusted by the failure that is evident today

I’m at a loss for words, not sure what to say

The frustration builds, and it rages within

From this tormenting battle and desire to be thin

When I evaluate the choices, the decisions that were made

I’m astounded by how much ED’s voice did pursue

The battle doesn’t seem to let up at all

Every tiny step seems to be followed by a fall

I feel defeated, and my head is hanging low

If I’ll make it through this journey, of that I don’t know

The option to quit doesn’t seem to exist

But to escape it all would be hard to resist

I know deep down that I’m meant for something more

That ED isn’t what I’m meant to live for

To drown out the struggle and to numb the pain

Would be a relief and would be a great gain

But to lose ED beside me, to be left alone

Makes me dread what the path ahead of me would hold

Though he speaks lies and torments my mind

There is something that keeps me from leaving him behind

Somehow I’m convinced at the end of the day

That maybe it wasn’t so bad, that I like it this way

The sacrifice doesn’t seem so bad; it seems bearable

But I have to fight that lie so that I am able

To press on in this battle, in this fight for my life

That I am not derailed by ED’s slick and keen disguise

That makes me see a thwarted and twisted loyalty

That makes me doubt that I’ll ever be free

I’m so torn within and entangled by lies

I feel that I’m becoming my own sad demise

Can I break free? Can I break out

Of self-rejection, self-hate, and self-doubt?

Is there hope and a reason to press on

Or is it over, should I say that ED’s won?

I know that’s not true, that there is more in store

For me in this life; I know that for sure

Yet I am struggling so hard - so hard to survive

When subtle truth rises, saying I am meant to thrive

But the weight of this struggle seems to overtake

The hope that I’ll ever be given a break

From the constant battle and strain of this life

From the detriment and the continuous, depressing strife

What shall I do, what shall I say

When the day is over and the lies still rage?

Is it worth putting forth so much effort?

Is there really real and sufficient support?

Is it possible for me to walk apart

From ED’s strict demands and his twisted form of art?

Is it a mirage to imagine that I

Can stand separate from ED, that his voice I’ll deny?

Or is it reasonable to succumb to his pleas?

Because it seems much easier and to come with more ease.

Yet I will try to permit that truth comes in

I will try to stand up and not only give in

To ED’s constant lies - to his strict beckoning

I will stand up, to truth will I cling

It seems impossible to stand up to him

But I know deep down that I am destined to win

I will admit that I fell, that I failed miserably

But I will keep pressing on until I see victory

I won’t give up nor lay down and quit

In spite of such struggle, such pain, and such shit

I will try to submerge myself in the Light

I will try to fight through ED’s screaming lies

I will choose to decide; I will choose to see

That even though today wasn’t complete victory

That it is worth pressing on, that there’s too much at stake

For me to give in and let ED take

The life that is destined and purposed for more

The promises that await me - that lay in store

If I choose to press on rather than succumb to defeat

If I choose to stand up against ED’s beckoning

So I will continue with my gaze fixed upon

The One who promises that the battle has been won

I will seek out His truth, and I will not deny

That what ED offers me is only a lie

I will not remain at the disposal of him

But I will press on in hopes that I’ll win

The battle that rages, that doesn’t let up

I’ll look to God; in Him will I trust

I won’t give up in the battle for my life

I will press on and will soon override

ED’s constant pleas and his strong mockeries

I will stand up, and I will walk in peace

As I yield to the One - the One who spoke forth

That destined that I would be considered of great worth

I will press on and cling to His truth

I will not yield to the enemy’s misuse.

I will recognize that I’m destined to live

I won’t give up; I will keep fighting if

I am not left alone but with truth to impart

With desire and hope reigning in my heart

I’ll fight in despite of the failures of this day

I will stand up, and I won’t let it sway

The truth that cannot be altered, that cannot mislead

I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency!