Just a little poetry to help me cope... And some other writing...

Internal Dispute
By: Kim Hembry©
September 9, 2011

Feeling so torn in this journey I'm on...
Trying to remember I've been made for much more...

Trying to let the truth reign within me...
Trying to press on - longing to see -

Longing to see hope arise deep within...
Trying to believe that one day I'll win...

Trying to stand up to ED's desperate pleas...
Trying to ignore the loud mockeries...

Trying to hang on to what truth lies within...
Trying to stand up again and again...

Trying to rise up in the midst of defeat...
Trying to remember God's strength reigns in me...

Trying to hold on with relentless faith intact...
Trying to trust that God's got my back...

Trying to endure the discomfort and pain...
Trying to be strong and stay in the game...

Trying to realize that each step's valuable...
Trying to remember that in Him I am able...

Trying to see truth in the midst of such lies...
Trying to see ED with real and clear eyes...

Trying to trust what my team's telling me...
Trying to understand that one day I'll see -

That one day I'll see that I'm walking in light -
That one day I'll experience abundance of life,

But I must hang on and in patience endure,
So that one day ahead I'll live for much more!

So... This poem was how I was able to get my feelings out tonight...

It has been a struggle since getting out of treatment... I believe I have the "want to" on the inside of me to stand up to ED and to fight against him (especially if I consider God's strength in me), but the execution of doing so has been a little elusive - to say the least...

I met with my therapist twice this week, which I know I needed... I met with her this morning, and overall, I know the session went well... ED got some extra confrontation - some that I, alone, haven't been able to give him...

I really want to work with my therapist and my dietitian -- you know -- like play on the same team as them, but ED has been so loud and fighting quite hard, not wanting to give up any ground... I don't want to fight against my team, but ED has been preventing me from trusting them and being able to follow my meal plan consistently...

My therapist told me today that they (she and my dietitian) haven't really been able to evaluate how my body is reacting to my current meal plan because I haven't been able to follow it consistently... However, they have been able to see the effects of the fact that my intake hasn't been sufficient - such as my skin's lack of glow and luminosity (looking dull) and my hair's lack of shine (also dull), amidst other things... I, on the other hand, have been feeling like I am eating too much... My physical appearance and weight are apparently saying otherwise... I feel kind of frustrated and slightly overwhelmed by it all...

With that being said, I have tried to keep my head up today and have tried to stand up to all that ED's been screaming at me... I think I have followed my meal plan pretty close today, and I did okay yesterday...

It would be so much easier if my mind wasn't so fixated on numbers and wasn't analyzing everything that goes into my body... It would be so much easier if I was actually even remotely hungry... BUT... My head has been so bombarded with numbers, and I haven't been hungry even in the least bit...

Though I feel like there has been a lot fighting against me, I am trying to give myself a little credit for some positive steps that I've taken over the past day and a half... ED is making that quite hard because he's chanting FAILURE! FAILURE! FAILURE! However, I am trying to shut out his voice and realize that doing what my team is asking me to is actually WINNING! and NOT failing!

My therapist told me that she can see that I am very afraid of recovery and that deep inside of me is the belief that recovery and getting better mean, "getting fat." Hmmm... I think she was right... I hate that she was right, but I think she was!

I know deep down in me that I want to be free from all of this, but at the same time, the fear of what freedom means is quite strong...

I am also now reminded that with God on my side, I don't have to worry or fear... "If God is for me, who can be against me?" "What can hurt me if God is on my side?" He doesn't desire that I walk in fear... He desires that I walk in peace... He doesn't desire that I remain in bondage... He desires that I walk in freedom...

Oh, how desperately I need God to intervene on my behalf right now... Oh, how much I need Him to help me see the possibility and opportunity and purpose that await me if I continue... Oh, how much I need Him to quiet my fears and usher in peace as I try to learn to trust -- to trust Him, my team, my meal plan, my body, myself...

Oh... To pray and breathe in this moment is what I need...

As I wrap up this post, I will choose to believe that -- ONE DAY AT A TIME ~ ONE STEP AT A TIME ~ ONE MOMENT AT A TIME ~ ONE BITE AT A TIME -- I will make it...