Old ideals have been beckoning... Old dreams and goals [prescribed by ED] have been tempting... Deep down, I believe I really do WANT recovery, but I've been struggling so much to trust my team and follow their recommendations.
I guess what I am saying is that I know the world of ED must topple around me so that the world of LIFE can rise and be born in and through me... As you read, you will see what I mean...
"When our myths, dreams, and ideals are shattered, our world topples."
~ Kathleen Casey Thiesen
The act of "becoming" topples our world, and rightly so. We outgrow yesterday's ideals, and we have begun realizing, in our unfolding, the dreams of last year. Now new dreams call us. Recovery has toppled our world. Hallelujah!
In our abstinence, each day offers us fresh opportunities to "create" new realities to replace the outworn, outgrown myths of the using[practicing] days. But letting go of the old takes patience, persistence, and strength. The old conformed us when there was little else.
Perhaps we need reminding that were it not for the shattered myths of last year or last week [or yesterday], we'd not be progressing, unfolding, as the bigger picture calls us. We have a part to play in this life, as do our sisters, our friends, our children. New dreams and ideals will lead us on our way. Old dreams served us yesterday, and the past is GONE. They can't direct our present.
Affirmation:
I will look with excitement at my toppling world. It signifies growth - intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. Old ideals will bind me - I will dare to dream new dreams and go where they lead with confidence.
~ Kathleen Casey Thiesen
The act of "becoming" topples our world, and rightly so. We outgrow yesterday's ideals, and we have begun realizing, in our unfolding, the dreams of last year. Now new dreams call us. Recovery has toppled our world. Hallelujah!
In our abstinence, each day offers us fresh opportunities to "create" new realities to replace the outworn, outgrown myths of the using[practicing] days. But letting go of the old takes patience, persistence, and strength. The old conformed us when there was little else.
Perhaps we need reminding that were it not for the shattered myths of last year or last week [or yesterday], we'd not be progressing, unfolding, as the bigger picture calls us. We have a part to play in this life, as do our sisters, our friends, our children. New dreams and ideals will lead us on our way. Old dreams served us yesterday, and the past is GONE. They can't direct our present.
Affirmation:
I will look with excitement at my toppling world. It signifies growth - intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. Old ideals will bind me - I will dare to dream new dreams and go where they lead with confidence.
As much as I try to believe that the world of ED around me must topple in order for me to truly embrace all that life has to offer, I somehow get stuck because a fear of it toppling begins to overpower me... Along with the fear of it toppling comes doubt that no matter how hard I try, the world of ED will never really topple down...
That may sound ludicrous, but it's what is real for me right now... It is the battle and struggle that is taking place in me... Even though these two things are paradoxical, they both rise up in me...
And then, there is still the part of me that believes or feels like I can live LIFE and still have my eating disorder around... That's the part of me that's still convinced that I've got this thing figured out and worked out to a definite science - the part of me that only sees the so-called "positives" of my eating disorder...
For some reason, what I've just shared with you made me think about a visit I had with a friend of mine (who is a nurse) yesterday... I was trying to explain to her that I've been struggling to see the ugliness of ED, which makes it hard for me to turn from it entirely... When I said this, she challenged me to reframe it and to think about it in a different manner... She challenged me to change my pursuit from seeing ED's ugliness to ED's harmfulness to me...
Wow! What a challenge...
Anyway, I guess this comes to mind because I am assuming that it may take a real revelation of ED's harmfulness as it would relate to me in order for stuff to really start shifting... I don't know how that real revelation comes and breaks through the feeling of invincibility that is so strong in me... But... I feel like that is what needs to happen in order for me to even begin seeing the world of ED toppling around me...
(Sigh)...
I have had a few very rough days in terms of following my meal plan... I feel quite overwhelmed and defeated and frustrated... I feel kinda stuck...
I just wish I could shut down the continual mathematical equation that persists between my ears...
I just feel like no matter what I try to do to take me in the direction of recovery, it isn't enough or is a failed attempt... I know I need to try and reframe that by considering progress rather than perfection...
Anyway, to wrap up this post, I guess I will choose to say that in God - my ultimate source of STRENGTH - ALL things are POSSIBLE! I won't lay down in defeat. NO! I will rise! In this moment, I WILL rise! I will not let the fear of failure halt me! I will choose to put one foot in front of the other and walk! I won't let the feelings of being overcome keep me from trying to embrace LIFE! I won't let hesitation and fear of the unknown keep me from taking a positive step! Though ED's continual pleas and mockeries try to quench every bit of my strength, I will NOT quit! I will NOT give up! I will take this journey in stride...
That may sound ludicrous, but it's what is real for me right now... It is the battle and struggle that is taking place in me... Even though these two things are paradoxical, they both rise up in me...
And then, there is still the part of me that believes or feels like I can live LIFE and still have my eating disorder around... That's the part of me that's still convinced that I've got this thing figured out and worked out to a definite science - the part of me that only sees the so-called "positives" of my eating disorder...
For some reason, what I've just shared with you made me think about a visit I had with a friend of mine (who is a nurse) yesterday... I was trying to explain to her that I've been struggling to see the ugliness of ED, which makes it hard for me to turn from it entirely... When I said this, she challenged me to reframe it and to think about it in a different manner... She challenged me to change my pursuit from seeing ED's ugliness to ED's harmfulness to me...
Wow! What a challenge...
Anyway, I guess this comes to mind because I am assuming that it may take a real revelation of ED's harmfulness as it would relate to me in order for stuff to really start shifting... I don't know how that real revelation comes and breaks through the feeling of invincibility that is so strong in me... But... I feel like that is what needs to happen in order for me to even begin seeing the world of ED toppling around me...
(Sigh)...
I have had a few very rough days in terms of following my meal plan... I feel quite overwhelmed and defeated and frustrated... I feel kinda stuck...
I just wish I could shut down the continual mathematical equation that persists between my ears...
I just feel like no matter what I try to do to take me in the direction of recovery, it isn't enough or is a failed attempt... I know I need to try and reframe that by considering progress rather than perfection...
Anyway, to wrap up this post, I guess I will choose to say that in God - my ultimate source of STRENGTH - ALL things are POSSIBLE! I won't lay down in defeat. NO! I will rise! In this moment, I WILL rise! I will not let the fear of failure halt me! I will choose to put one foot in front of the other and walk! I won't let the feelings of being overcome keep me from trying to embrace LIFE! I won't let hesitation and fear of the unknown keep me from taking a positive step! Though ED's continual pleas and mockeries try to quench every bit of my strength, I will NOT quit! I will NOT give up! I will take this journey in stride...
~ONE DAY AT A TIME ~
~ONE STEP AT A TIME~
~ONE MOMENT AT A TIME~
~ONE BITE AT A TIME~
~ONE STEP AT A TIME~
~ONE MOMENT AT A TIME~
~ONE BITE AT A TIME~
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