What's running through my head... Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh!

I kind of don’t know where to start, but it just seems like I can’t really seem to make much headway in regards to ED... What’s worse is that I struggle even to want to stand up to him completely and constantly... Somehow I still feel like I have some control in the matter...

I am so afraid of gaining weight, especially since I already feel really fat... Arghh! Yuck!

I just want to be able to exercise again... I want to be able to go run or do whatever I want in regards to exercise... I feel like jello! I look like it too!

I feel so perplexed inside... I have such clashing feelings and thoughts... I know that I “need” to follow my meal plan... However... I am struggling with that one... I feel soooooooooooo absolutely disgusting in my skin, and as I pass my any mirror or glass, I am absolutely repulsed by the reflection I see...

There is a part of me that feels like the only time ED doesn’t seem so loud is when I am busy and restricting... When I am not putting anything in my body... Yet I guess that is probably not true... It just seems like it is...

(Sigh...)

I just don’t know if I am up to it all... I just don’t know if I am able to hold out like this... It just seems easier for me to do what I’ve always done... I feel less stressed and less anxious when I am practicing my ED...

Okay... I know that sounds ludicrous...

Oh, the back and forth game that takes place in my mind...