An update and some pondering...

It's actually been quite a while since I last posted... Probably too long!

Things have been going alright. I have hit certain bumps on the road to recovery, but I have continued to press forward. I have had slips and falls, but my choice has been to get back up again.

On Friday, I saw both my therapist and dietitians. Praise be to God that He is making a way for me to be able to keep seeing them. When I saw my therapist I took a picture with me that I had drawn. She dissected it... As she looked at it, she said a word... A word that I believe is worth pondering... That word was "BECOMING"... She toldme that I was in a season of becoming and that I should see myself in that place rather than in the extremes of pass and fail... Rather than achieve or be a failure... Rather than black and white... Rather than old and new... Rather than was and is and will be... To see myself in a place of BECOMING...

Truly this word brings up a sense of empowerment. I'm not sure if I am understanding all that it encompasses or not, but as I think about being in a season of becoming, there seems to be a pressure that is lifted off of me... To be in a season of becoming may be where I am for the rest of my life, but as I think about it, that may not be a bad thing...

To choose to be in a season of becoming would mean that certain expectations would fade away... It would mean that certain pressures would be minimized... Choosing to be in a season of becoming means accepting the place where I am on the way to where I am going... It means choosing contentment during the process... It means some gray area... It means understanding that there is give and take... Both steps forward and steps back... It means choosing to believe that each moment is valuable in the big picture... It means choosing to extend grace and mercy to myself on this journey, realizing that perfection is not the expectation... It is choosing to believe that both the victories and the failures help to prepare me for the future that awaits me... It means choosing to extend patience along this journey... It means accepting the process and trusting it is going at the right pace... Wow! Overall it seems like a pretty incredible set of possibilities!

So often I get stuck in a place of such high expectation which leads me into a place of feeling defeated and like a failure and overcome... However, being in a season of becoming seems to provide room for progress, knowledge, learning, and patience...

I think all of what I have written is some of what my therapist was wanting me to see and understand... I believe she desires to see me at a place of acceptance for each day that I face... To be in a season of becoming provides such liberty... It nullifies so many of the "have-to's", "should's", and "ought's."

I will latch onto this new idea as I keep taking this journey one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one bite at a time!

An update.. and a poem written after a fall...

It has been a while since I posted...

Recovery is a journey for sure! One of ups and downs! One with twists and turns! One that is uncertain! One that is both exciting and frightening at the same time!

Toward the end of Thanksgiving week, I began slipping backward quite rapidly... I couldn't understand it at first, but then after meeting with my therapist and dietitian, I was able to realize that many triggers were present and I was reacting out of old comforts... Even as realization of triggers came, the battle and struggle seemed only to intensify... However, God didn't let me completely sink!

I hit several hopeless days on the journey over the past two weeks, but praise be to God that His mercy is new every morning! I am thankful for my team... They have come alongside me in truth and in love to help me press on through this roadblock and stumbling block...

Friday, a new tenacity (I believe from the Lord) began to rise up in me to do all I could that day to stand up to ED -- to do all I could and to let God do all He desired in me to keep ED from swaying me further off course... I knew deep down I did NOT want to spiral backward completely... By the grace of God and through much support, I met the requirements of my meal plan that day!

I continued pressing on in the fight on Saturday and did pretty well, but that night ED seemed to have gotten the best of me... That's when I wrote this...

Frustrated Awe
By: Kim Hembry©
11/10/2011

So overcome by shame and guilt
I am shadowed in darkness

So overwhelmed by ED's strong pleas
I can't believe how I fell

The darkness clouded and overcame -
Me without remorse. I feel lost

The tormenting sound of screeching demands
I am saddened by the taunting

It seemed it was the only response
Yet now I realize it was NOT

An extra large failure... a sure letdown...
I am disappointed in myself

ED overcame and took way too much
It is frustrating to see this

I want to scream yet feel my voice is silenced
I am struck by deep remorse

For falling for the taunting pleas
For failing to supersede

I have fallen prey to the sickening cries
I have landed on my face

I am sunken within and feel without escape
I am longing for amazing grace

To descend upon me - to bring me a peace
I need the Abba's love to surround me

Take my hand and don't let me lose
I want to know what You have in store

Take my hand and walk beside me
I am in awe of Your love

This was how I processed what seemed to be like a pretty large fall on Saturday, and I am happy to report that God has come to my aide...

I was able to restart yesterday -- to jump back on the recovery bandwagon! I met all of my exchange requirements yesterday! It took a lot of fight and relentless perseverance, but at the end of the day, it all came together...

Deep down I know I want to keep walking this road and continue on this journey to recovery... I want to know and experience a life I've yet to know...

I will not lose heart as this journey continues... I will not quit nor give up! For my strength is renewed by the One who lives within me! I will not be overcome and overruled by ED... I have been made to conquer and to overcome! Though I may feel tired and weary of the fight, I will remember that my Abba's strength is perfected in my weakness... I will remember that it is the TRUTH that shall continue setting me free! I must remind myself that my value and worth are not found in my reflection nor in a number that blinks on a scale... I must remember that I have been designed as a unique work-of-art by the Master Artist with unparalleled gifts and talents meant to be shared with the world!

If you are walking a similar journey, I beg of you that you wouldn't give up! Keep fighting! Keep pressing on! YOU ARE WORTH IT! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WORTH IT!

Let's take this journey one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one bite at a time...

Poem I wrote last night... It's been a long week!

Below is a poem I wrote last night...

It has a been a rough week as far as recovery and life go... However, I am not going to lose heart!
Writing this poem helped me to get regrounded!

There is still a lot to catch up on as well, so my hope is to post an entry later today...

Until then, hope you enjoy...

Introspective Grounding
By: Kim Hembry©
December 1, 2011

ED’s cunning voice beckons
It’s longing for peace
It’s screaming and chanting
Deep within me

ED’s pleas increase
They become louder
The strict demands
Start to devour

I gasp for a breath
In need of a break
I reach out for help
For my own sake

Yet ED taunts and jeers
Surrounding with threats
Tears start to fall
To him, I’m in debt

He tries to convince me
To yield to his cry
He tries to keep me
Trapped in the lies

Yet there is One
Who will overcome
His name is Jesus
He’s God’s only Son

He came down to earth
He lived and He died
He bore all my pain
So I could have life

He took my place
When He died on the cross
He paid all my debt
And spared me the loss

He’s the reason I fight
He’s the reason I stand
Though at times I feel dry
He’s sustaining my hand

This journey is long
Still uncertain of time
This is such a battle
I strain toward lasting life

Though the struggle persists
And the journey goes on
I won’t lose heart
I’ll look to the Son

Take hold of me
As You hear my strong pleas
Help me to stand
Don't let ED overtake me

For I will endure
In the strength of the Lord
I won’t lose heart
I’ll gladly stand up

For the time is right now
Fear won't overrule
I will lift up my eyes
To the Lover of my soul!

An encouraging meditation...

This one is too good not to share! Be encouraged right where you are! Don't give up! Keep picking up your feet to take the step that awaits you!

YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Trust the Lord...
Trust your team...
Trust the process...
Trust the journey...
Do what you can today ~ in this moment!

Dear Important Girl,

There are many situations and times in life that hurt, ache, sting and make us feel utterly miserable. Many times those life experiences feel like they have no good purpose... so they feel unfair, useless and even cruel. These kinds of experiences in life can stop us in our tracks and leave us feeling discouraged, depressed and paralyzed. If we let them, these kinds of times can even make us start to believe that somehow we deserve them, or that they are punishments, or that we are not worthy of happiness, joy, pace and goodness. This is a horrible cycle because we stop moving forward, staying stuck in the lies... when these experiences were ACTUALLY MEANT TO GET US MOVING OFF THE WRONG TRACK.

You see, beautiful friend... sometimes we need course correction. Sometimes we need to be guided back to where we belong. Sometimes we are so far from our own path... our own right track... that there is no other way to get us on track than what is happening that feels so cruel, horrible, and painful.

Now think about what you have learned all of the days of your beautiful life. Think about how situations that you were certain would break you ended up (and maybe it took years for this to happen)... ended up teaching you the lessons you needed to learn... lead you to the people you needed to meet... gave you the strength that you didn't quite have yet... made you into the person you are...

Quite possibly you are in a place that hurts. Remember... remember, amazing girl, that you are on the way to where you need to be... and you WILL get through this rough patch in the road... and that really... there is no other way to get there right now... so just keep going... don't stay in this spot.. just keep going... you are getting there. It will be WORTH it!

You are so very loved... and there is a plan. Keep the faith.
XOXO
(Taken from www.bravegirlsclub.com)

Long-awaited update!

Wow... It has been quite a while since I posted a real update...

I guess I will start off this update by saying that I am absolutely surprised about what I am about to share...

If you have been following my blog, you know that I was admitted IP back in June and discharged just in time to start a new job teaching Spanish... Well, since being discharged, I have been working consistently with my treatment team, but though I've been trying to work into some kind of recovery, I have been struggling intensely, and I hadn't been able to follow my meal plan for more than two days in a row, and that was even happening very sporadically...

However, I am glad to report that there has been a breakthrough... It has now been one whole week (actually slightly over) that I have met the requirements of my meal plan...

My team has been super supportive and has been doing their best to help me along this journey... They have been gracious but also very honest with me... They have been trying to help me see the tactics ED continually uses to trap me and keep me bound up... They have been quick to point out deception and distortion... However, I have struggled to trust them... I have struggled even more to trust myself...

At my latest appointment with my dietitian (a little over a week ago), she needed to be pretty honest with me and said a phrase she has said countless times this year, "Your meal plan has NO wiggle room..." Once again she tried to explain to me the importance of being able to see clearly how my meal plan fits into each day... how to put my exchanges out in writing to get them out of my head... Well, I had been struggling so much with doing that, and continuously, I failed to meet the requirements of my meal plan...

Last Saturday, as the weekend got off to a busy start, a strength rose up in me that I know came from my Abba... As this strength came up in me, I mustered up enough courage to make a Word document where I would record the next two weeks of my daily food exchanges... I made a place for each day to be recorded... Well, since last Saturday, the strength and willingness to put out in black and white what I have been taking in has continuously risen up in me...

To be completely honest, it has been a really rough and intensely difficult week as I have tried to walk along this road to recovery... However, I have kept walking...

I have been running the following two phrases back and forth in my mind constantly: "IT IS WORTH IT... THERE IS TOO MUCH AT STAKE NOT TO FIGHT..." Honestly, I don't believe these two phrases wholeheartedly yet, but I can accept them as truth, so I am trying to say them until I am convinced in my innermost being...

As I have walked through this week and have been trying to trust God, myself, and my team, I have had mixed feelings... Part of me knows that I should be happy... that I should rejoice in this week's accomplishment... However, a different part of me is beating myself up... Well, maybe that isn't really a different part of me... Maybe that is ED... I am assuming it is ED that doesn't want me to feel good about these victories because ED will NEVER really fight on my behalf... He ALWAYS fights against me! (I am trying to believe this...)

With all of this being said and put out there, when I saw my therapist on Friday, I was able to share with her about this week's journey... My therapist has been working with me most of this year, and she has stuck with me even though I have not been able to be victorious over ED... I know she really cares and has been fighting on my behalf as I have struggled to fight against ED. The first time I worked with her was eight years ago (when I went to counseling only to appease my parents), so when I told her I had followed my meal plan Since Saturday, she asked if she could give me a hug... As she did, and during the minutes that followed, tears rose up in her... She told me they were tears of joy... tears of thankfulness... The next few minutes, silence reigned in her office as tears welled up in me too...

After sharing all of this and bringing forth this update, I stand in awe of all that has flowed out of me...

Wherever you are on your own journey, keep going!

Whatever you do, DON'T give up! NEVER!

Keep walking with me...

ONE DAY AT A TIME ~ ONE STEP AT A TIME ~ ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!

Dear BRAVE Girl...

What I have pasted below is an excerpt I wrote and posted on a different website, answering the question, "What would you tell a BRAVE girl who is dealing with depression?"

My prayer is that if you, too, are walking along a path, fighting depression, that you would be encouraged as your eyes pass to and fro over these words...

Dear tremendously BRAVE girl!

First off, I am so proud of you for NOT letting go... I know that many times you have felt like it would be easier to take a complete escape from life, but you haven't! Or, maybe you have tried to escape it all, but by the grace of God, you were saved!

Brave girl, wherever you find yourself today, in this moment, whether that be at your lowest low or at a place of decent functionality, know that today has the potential to be the 1st day of the rest of your life! You may be saying to yourself, "No, not for me... Maybe for that girl, or that girl, or ... that girl, but NOT for me..." Brave girl, don't write off the possibility for change because each moment holds the potential for change if we only latch onto even the smallest seed of hope!

Brave one, please know that you are not alone as you face what seems to be an endless pit of darkness... There is a light! I promise! For years I didn't believe there was either, but little by little, I have seen the smallest twinkle of light grow into an overpowering light that continues to grow brighter as I tread forward on the journey of healing.

Depression does not want to let you break free, but freedom is possible... There is a God -- an all-powerful God -- who sees you, who recognizes you, even if you have not acknowledged Him before. He loves you, even if you have spent your whole life feeling completely unlovable... even if you can't figure out how to love yourself... He loves you, and His desire is to free you from darkness and hopelessness that you have known for so long, that you have even grown afraid of leaving, that has somehow become sickly twisted into a false sense comfort at times...

Brave one, take a deep breath... Close your eyes... Breath out... Take another deep breath...

Now, refuse to give up! It cannot be an option!

Take the first step... which is... not letting go of even the smallest tinge of hope... If you struggle to find it, dig deep! Super deep!

Did you find it? If not, don't give up the pursuit!

You are worth fighting for! You are worth saving! You have been created by a Divine Creator with an unparalleled purpose!

You don't have to walk through this season alone! The same One Who has formed you delights in you and takes pleasure in coming alongside you!

Will you let Him walk with you? Will you let Him in?

You are brave, dear one! You are courageous! Each day you choose not to give up, you grow and you experience VICTORY! Each tiny victory that comes with each decision not to give up leads you on the way to the Ultimate VICTORY that awaits you if you dare to keep walking!

Take one day at a time ~ one step at a time ~ one moment at a time!

Whatever you do, DON'T GIVE UP!

Excerpt by Kim Hembry©

Some encouragement...

Hey there all! I couldn't help but share this one today.... Pray you are blessed as you continue walking on this journey...

"Dear Beautiful Girl,

It's exhausting sometimes to be brave, isn't it? It seems we live in a world where people who are willing to do difficult things are getting more and more rare... But you know the secret to making your dreams come true, right? It is to be willing to do difficult things... and then do them as joyfully as possible.

The things in life that are most worthwhile are difficult to come by, are rare... are hard to get and hard to maintain... but OH SO WORTH IT! It is all worth it, courageous friend.

While others are standing on the sidelines trying to figure out how to get out of doing the work, how to avoid the most discomfort and how to have a drive-through existence... be the ONE who is willing to do what it takes to live an EXTRAORDINARY life.

You will be a legend in no time... because real bravery is hard to come by too... and YOU'VE GOT IT, GIRL!

You are so loved.
XOXO"

I hope this ministers to you as it does to me this morning... Wow!

The journey to recovery requires much bravery, and it is difficult to continuously stand up to ED... It is difficult to stand up to and resist the very real torment that is so powerful and overcoming when we are deep in our eating disorders. However, it all starts with one step of deciding that we are worth fighting for!

You are so brave if you have decided that YOU are INDEED WORTH FIGHTING FOR!

Let us rise up wherever we are on this journey and let us rise up in BRAVERY... Let us choose to say and declare, " I AM WORTH FIGHTING FOR ! "

Take a deep breath, my dear sister (or brother) and don't give up!

We can fight and stand up to ED as we tap into the great strength of the God who rules and reigns and as we come alongside each other!

Have a blessed day!

Brief update... Very brief!

Hey there everyone!

Sorry it has been a little while since I last posted... Man, O man... My journey has been pretty busy lately... However, though it has been pretty busy, by the GRACE of God, I am slowly but surely making some progress... I see my therapist every week which is what I need right now and my dietitian at least every other week... I am actually pretty surprised that I have been able to meet my meal plan since Saturday... This is the first time I have been able to do that for more than a day or two since getting discharged at the end of July, so I am grateful to God for continuing to strengthen me along this journey and for those people in my life who continue to support and encourage me!

If you are one of the special friends in my life who is walking with me along this journey, THANK YOU! Thank you for standing with me and fighting with me to walk free from ED...

Have a blessed evening! Wherever you are on your own journey, KEEP FIGHTING!

A poem of expression and a call to get grounded!

This is a poem that came together last night after having a very rough day trying to fight for recovery but feeling very overcome by ED. Though there are tinges of desperation as you read it, I am not without hope! I have chosen to rise up today!

What you will read below is just an honest expression of how I felt last night as defeat tried to creep in. My hope is that if you, too, are feeling like ED has gotten the best of you, please do not lose heart!

Get grounded in some truth - you are worth it! Today is a new day, and what awaits us (though it may bring some anxiety) is far better than what ED can offer and has offered us!

Grounding
By: Kim Hembry©
October 26, 2011

ED’s beckoning overtook me today
I feel so disgusted
I want to run away

What I saw reflected, what looked back at me
Caused me to sink and
Repulsed me so deeply

Will the mocking stop, will it ever flee?
I’m so full of guilt
So tired of such mockery

Deep within my soul, I long to be free
Yet, I struggle to let go
And fight the beckoning

I’m taunted by the voices; they echo constantly
I can’t seem to ignore
All that rages within me

I’m saddened to the core - afraid to disappoint
I can’t stand all the torment
I feel like ED’s damn toy

The numbers that pass and taunt me in my mind
They never seem to stop
I feel quite undermined

I try to take steps - try responding to the truth
Yet I seem to be impeded
By constant, tormenting abuse

Yet I know I must press on - I know I cannot quit
I'll show up in spite of pain
I long for some respite

Can you come to my aide, can you hear me?
Am I all alone?
The battle is raging

Please hear my cry - hear my desperate plea
I need some extra help
I can’t do this solely

I’m afraid to let you in - I scream silently
If you heard my cry
You’d surely rescue me

Though I seek release from the hellish life I’ve known
I’m afraid of what awaits
Of what I’ve never known

There’s a promise for something better - for something new
Yet I struggle to latch on
I’ve seemed to be subdued

Though I feel perplexed by all that rages in me
I will keep pressing on
I won’t give up easily

I will lift my head and will keep straining ahead
I won’t surrender
To the bleak plight of ED

It will require the strength that overcomes
I can’t do it all alone
But to God’s strength all succumbs

I’ll take a deep breath and take another step
I am meant to soar
I will not become inept

So in spite of the constant mockery, I will stand up
And fight for victory
I’ve been saved by LOVE

Be inspired, my BRAVE reader!

What I am posting here is a response I posted on a different website that has been inspirational for me, www.bravegirlsclub.com. A question was asked: What would you tell a Brave Girl who feels like her life has fallen apart and will never be put back together?

Some of who who are reading this may feel like that "Brave Girl", but maybe you don't consider yourself brave... I want to challenge you to see yourself as brave because anyone who does not give up is BRAVE! Anyone who chooses to press on in spite of adversity is BRAVE! Anyone who relentlessly keeps standing up even after countless falls is BRAVE!

So, here goes... This was (and still is) my response...

If I could talk to a brave girl who was going through a rough time who felt as though she couldn't pick up the shattered pieces of her life and somehow press on, I would first let her know that she is not alone, that I, too, have been in several seasons of life where everything seemed to be hopelessly shattered... I would also remind her that she does not have to fight alone, but that she is worth another person's time and can choose to let another person into her shattered space... I would remind her that she is not meant to be Superwoman and face everything alone... I would remind her that it is okay to experience weakness because it is oftentimes in the times of greatest weakness that a new strength is discovered...

I would then look her in the eyes and tell her [or remind her] that she is a unique, one-of-a-kind masterpiece, created by the Master Artist, created and formed for a purpose for good, for hope, and for a future... I would continue to speak to her and let her know that she is loved beyond comprehension and seen by a heavenly Father, that whether she has met or known of Him yet, it is not too late to reach out and accept His free gift which brings with it a promise for LIFE - and that life - in ABUNDANCE! I would encourage her to keep on keeping on even though it seems impossible... I would remind her that even the smallest of steps taken forward are valuable and carry her along the path of her journey...

I would remind her that each and every season of her life is valuable and that even the most horrendous or messy "life season" can be transformed into something miraculous and glorious... I would remind her to take one day at a time, one step at a time, and one moment at a time!

Before I let her go, I would thank her for being willing to share part of her brokenness with me, that it was a privilege for me to be entrusted with some of the precious pearls of her life...

I pray that you are inspired and encouraged to keep on keeping on no matter what season of life you happen to find yourself in at this time. If you are like me and fighting for recovery, keep fighting! You are worth it! Oh so worth it! (Don't worry... I have to be reminded all of the time too...)

If you are the "Brave Girl" who needs to be loved on, encouraged, or reminded of truth, soak it up!

Don't give up! If you have fallen, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, take a deep breath, and realize the today can be the first day of the rest of your life!

Some inspiration... Be blessed!

I couldn't help but post this devotional/meditation today! I am imagining that many of you will be touched and encouraged by it, as am I! Let us remember that each step is valuable in our recovery!

Dear Wonderful Girl,

Making progress is amazing! Making great progress for many days, weeks, or months in a row is a fabulous feeling, and sometimes we think that we can go forever without making big mistakes and falling down.

Remember, sweet friend, that a big part of the progress is the mistakes that we make -- the times we fall down -- the stuff we sometimes call failing.

If you were going along great and then you messed up, or something came along and messed you up, don't you dare even think about quitting! All you've got to do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start over again tomorrow [or maybe even later today!]. This is a part of life that is going to happen over and over again; it does NOT mean you are a failure, it does NOT mean that you are never going to get there, it does NOT mean that you deserve it. It just means that you are a living and breathing human being and that you are completely normal!!!

It is going to be okay, lovely, it really is. Tomorrow is a new day. You get to start over. And if you mess up again, there will be another new day right after it. Just DO YOUR BEST!

You are so loved.
XOXO

Hope this ministered to you and blessed you wherever you are on your journey! I am having to be constantly reminded that the road and journey to recovery is far from perfect! There are twists and turns and bumps -- both big and small -- that will be encountered as we move forward. However, we mustn't lose heart or give up because it is SO SO SO WORTH IT to press on!

Even when we are struggling intensely, we must keep our mind fixated on truth and remind ourselves that we are worth fighting for because each of our lives is VALUABLE! We must remember that no matter how difficult a battle or struggle can be to fight, there is nothing -- NOTHING -- impossible when we tap into God's strength that is limitless!

Be blessed my co-warriors! Let's keep armoring up and fighting this battle! HOPE -- LIFE -- PEACE -- JOY -- FREEDOM are our prize!

Keep on keeping on wherever you are in your journey! I am learning that is all I can do too!

Take one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one bite at a time! That's how we can prevail!

Some truth that somehow came together in prose today... I need a grounding to help me to fight!

I am... ENOUGH!
By: Kim Hembry©
October 17, 2011

I am me, and it is enough...

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I was chosen before the foundations of the earth.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I was knit together in my mother’s womb.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I am God’s workmanship - His work-of-art.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because my Abba has called me by name.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because my name’s written on the palm of His hand.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I was created in the image of my Creator.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because God sent His Son to die for me.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I’ve been saved, set-apart and made holy.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I have been covered by grace and rescued by love.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I’ve been adopted; I’m a child of God.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I am cherished daughter of the King of kings.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because my value exceeds that of the most precious of jewels.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because the Spirit of the Lord God lives within me.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I have been created for a purpose and destined to be.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because unconditional love has been extended to me.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because my Creator makes no mistakes.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because my Father sees me as the apple of His eye.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because there’s a unique call placed on my life.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I’m seen, heard, and never forgotten.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because the price was paid by God’s One begotten.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I have life, and I’ve been given breath.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I am His.

Letting out some feelings through poetry... Trying to calm my mind so I could go to sleep......

Reflection Perplexities
By: Kim Hembry©
October 15, 2011

I’m struggling to bear -
How I feel within my skin
I’m so perplexed within -
Still longing to be thin...

I’m torn between some things -
What I see and how I feel...
I am struggling to stand strong -
Against ED’s beckoning...

Trying to trust -
And believe what others see -
Is actually what’s true -
Not what’s looking back at me...

The battle is intense -
Constantly raging deep inside...
So often I’m overwhelmed -
All I can do is sigh...

Yet I know I must press on -
In spite of what I feel...
I know I mustn’t give up -
I must face that which is real...

Each day the battle rages -
Each day I must stand up...
There’s so much churning within -
Surely I can’t give up...

The terrain I’m standing on -
The waves I’m swimming through -
Oh, they seem impossible;
My only Hope is You...

Listen to my cry-
Hear my beckoning...
Come to my side -
Don’t leave me alone nor flee.

I will look to You -
I will cling to Your truth...
I will not give up -
I’ll fix my eyes on You.

A declaration... I will keep pressing on!

Here is a declaration I wrote this morning that I will be clinging to in the coming moments, hours, days, and weeks...

I have been having a very hard time fighting and standing up to ED... However, I know that I must get tenacious about standing up to ED, so I can stand up for LIFE!

After two confrontational appointments this week, I became more aware that I have been quite paralyzed because of fear...

I have chosen to adapt a few powerful scriptures and promises into the first person to use to help build me up and to help equip me for what seems like an impossible battle ahead of me... In my own strength, it is impossible to press on, but I will choose to believe that in His strength, it is possible!

So... Here goes...

"For You will fully satisfy my weary soul, and You will replenish me and restore me from all my languishing and sorrow. For Your love is my well worn path. Your unfailing love surrounds me, Lord! For my HOPE is in You alone! My inner self waits earnestly for You, Lord; You, are my HELP and my SHIELD. I seek after You, inquire of You, and require You of necessity and on the authority of Your Word, and You hear me, and You DELIVER me from all my fears."

A poem I wrote last night after a slight emotional breakdown...

I’ll Stand Up
By: Kim Hembry ©
October 2, 2011

Emotion rises up deep within me
I struggle to stand up and struggle to breathe

Tears stream down my face and trickle down my chest
I struggle to press on; I’m so in need of rest

Thoughts race to and fro as they pass through my mind
I struggle to stand up to the constant, tormenting lies

So repulsed by the reflection that I see in front of me
I struggle to find truth amidst such mockery

The battle is so strong and seems more intense
I struggle to lift my eyes; I stand in such suspense

I begin to doubt the existence of a brighter day
I struggle to fight and stand up in the face -

In the face of such turmoil, struggle and strain
In the face of ever-increasing, real, and constant pain

As the emotions rise, they begin to overtake
My chest pounds; my heart begins to quake

I open my mouth to let out a great scream
But my voice is gone; I can’t seem to speak

As the torment continues and the battle persists
I can barely press on; feel that I cannot resist

The plaguing thoughts that pass through my mind
The taunting pleas that echo inside

That come from the deepest places within
That continue to beckon with demands to be thin

Continually repulsed by the image I see
So desperate for eyes and a glimpse of beauty

Come to my rescue; come to my aide
I can’t seem to break out of this constant self-hate

I cry out for mercy; I’m so in need of grace
Can You lift the veil that covers of my face?

Can You give me a glimpse of Your constant light
Can You help me find hope and joy in spite -

In spite of the raging battle I continually fight
In spite of the constant shattering inside

Embrace me in love; wrap me in truth
Help me to see my purpose in You

With each passing day, with each moment endured
Help me to see that You are the cure

Fix my gaze on Your image so true
Wipe away the image that’s skewed

Only in You will I be able to stand
I will hold out, and I’ll trust in Your plan

Stretch out Your hand; I’m in need of rescue
Your love has won; I have been subdued

I can’t walk alone; I can’t do it without
The support and encouragement of friends that I’ve found

I will trust in You; to Your promise I’ll cling
I will keep pressing on ‘til I see sweet victory

The pondering of this day... Hmmm...

There is a phrase I have heard three times over the past week... My therapist, dietitian, and pastor have all said the same thing... The words that make up this phrase are, "You (will) have to give yourself permission..." Because both my therapist and dietitian said these words directly to me this week, and because my pastor happened to say them in his sermon this morning, I am really trying to take them to heart and let them come to life for me...

When my dietitian told me this, she was talking to me about my meal plan [which I have really been struggling to follow]! When my therapist told me this, she was encouraging me to take some time to have a "mental-health-recovery-day" to do some things I'd enjoy because I have been super busy [and haven't done very well with taking care of myself]! When my pastor said this, he was encouraging all of us present in the service to dream BIGGER than we've ever dreamed before...

The whole idea of "giving myself permission" is rather foreign to me... I have spent most of my life enslaved to Ed's constant demands and pleas... I have spent most of my life pressured beneath the constant expectations I've felt like others have had for me which I've then fought tirelessly to attain... I have spent most of my life conforming to the countless commands I've believed were imposed upon me, all the while, silencing or completely ignoring my voice, becoming convinced that I had to do and be the one that every other voice wanted me to be...

So now as I think about giving myself permission for certain things, and as I try doing it, it is such a struggle because it is so new for me in these areas of my life... Giving myself permission doesn't seem allowed or okay, especially in relation to Ed... Arghhh! I have struggled to give myself permission in regards to my meal plan and in regards to just "being" rather than having to do and accomplish and achieve...

I don't intend for this post to be a sob story of relentless struggle and strain, but rather for it to be a recognition that it will take consistent perseverance and endurance to stand up for myself ~ to nourish myself ~ to take care of myself!

I'm not sure how many of you can relate to this, but I will bet that I'm not alone when I say that this whole concept of "giving permission to myself" is foreign to me... I'm going to be willing to keep fighting to take on the challenge of permitting myself to do things and to be who I've never before felt empowered to do or to be! Who's with me? Will you take on the challenge with me?

For all who are willing, let's take this challenge

ONE DAY AT A TIME
~
ONE STEP AT A TIME
~
ONE MOMENT FOR A TIME
~
ONE BITE AT A TIME!

A poem of weakness and realized strength...

Tired Yet Strong
By: Kim Hembry©
September 23, 2011

I’m straining to hang on
So tempted to quit
So deeply perplexed
I’m tired of this

I’m struggling to fight
So tempted to stray
So strongly torn up
Feeling dismayed

I’m longing for hope
So tempted to run
So saddened inside
Feel overcome

I’m churning within
So tempted to cry
So unsure within
Feel torn up inside

I’m trying to endure
So tempted to lay down
So uneasy and tired
Feel like I’ll drown

I’m looking for light
So tempted to think
That it isn’t worth it
Feel like I’m going to sink

I’m not giving up
Though tempted am I
I won’t lay down
I have to arise

I’m not giving in
Though it’d be easier
I won’t let ED win
I mustn’t surrender

I’m not fighting alone
Though it seems that I am
I must believe and press on
In His strength I will stand

I’m not losing the fight
If I choose to stand up
If I refuse to quit
And never give up

I’m choosing to say
That I’ll take one more step
That I’ll pick up my head
And learn to accept

I’m going to trust
Not going to doubt
I’ll do my best
To speak truth so LOUD

It’s not just for me
That I’ll choose to stand up
It’s for those who haven’t
Heard of His love

There’s a purpose for me
I must cling to that fact
I have to remember
That though I may lack

That He is enough
That He lives within me
That it’s only in Him
That one day I’ll sing

The victory chant
The song of great praise
The lyrics of joy
And glorify His name

So, I reach out for hope
In spite of the pain
I reach out in trust
I’ll face one more day

One day at a time
Taking each step in stride
Moment by moment
In Him I’ll abide

Pressing on is my choice
I won’t lay down
He’s loosed my voice
I’ll strain ahead for my crown.

So come what may
I’ll not flee in fear
I’ll stand up believing
That my God is so near

He’s living in me
He’s given me life
He won’t disappoint
He is pure Light

God, open my eyes
Help me to see
Help me to recognize
Your beauty in me

Without renewed eyes
I’m not sure I’ll see
Something different than what
I’ve always seen

Strip off the veil
Redeem my sight
That one day I’ll see
Abundance of life

Praise be to You
Who gives strength to me
All worship is Yours
Please bring VICTORY!

What's running through my head... Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh!

I kind of don’t know where to start, but it just seems like I can’t really seem to make much headway in regards to ED... What’s worse is that I struggle even to want to stand up to him completely and constantly... Somehow I still feel like I have some control in the matter...

I am so afraid of gaining weight, especially since I already feel really fat... Arghh! Yuck!

I just want to be able to exercise again... I want to be able to go run or do whatever I want in regards to exercise... I feel like jello! I look like it too!

I feel so perplexed inside... I have such clashing feelings and thoughts... I know that I “need” to follow my meal plan... However... I am struggling with that one... I feel soooooooooooo absolutely disgusting in my skin, and as I pass my any mirror or glass, I am absolutely repulsed by the reflection I see...

There is a part of me that feels like the only time ED doesn’t seem so loud is when I am busy and restricting... When I am not putting anything in my body... Yet I guess that is probably not true... It just seems like it is...

(Sigh...)

I just don’t know if I am up to it all... I just don’t know if I am able to hold out like this... It just seems easier for me to do what I’ve always done... I feel less stressed and less anxious when I am practicing my ED...

Okay... I know that sounds ludicrous...

Oh, the back and forth game that takes place in my mind...

A powerful devotional... And some thoughts...

So... I will preface this by saying that this devotional hit me pretty deep when I read it this morning... To be completely honest, I am still trying to soak it all in... I think I've read it at least five times today... If I can really grasp a hold of what it is saying, I believe it could serve as a HUGE perspective shifter - which I think I really need right now!

Old ideals have been beckoning... Old dreams and goals [prescribed by ED] have been tempting... Deep down, I believe I really do WANT recovery, but I've been struggling so much to trust my team and follow their recommendations.

I guess what I am saying is that I know the world of ED must topple around me so that the world of LIFE can rise and be born in and through me... As you read, you will see what I mean...

"When our myths, dreams, and ideals are shattered, our world topples."
~ Kathleen Casey Thiesen

The act of "becoming" topples our world, and rightly so. We outgrow yesterday's ideals, and we have begun realizing, in our unfolding, the dreams of last year. Now new dreams call us. Recovery has toppled our world. Hallelujah!

In our abstinence, each day offers us fresh opportunities to "create" new realities to replace the outworn, outgrown myths of the using[practicing] days. But letting go of the old takes patience, persistence, and strength. The old conformed us when there was little else.

Perhaps we need reminding that were it not for the shattered myths of last year or last week [or yesterday], we'd not be progressing, unfolding, as the bigger picture calls us. We have a part to play in this life, as do our sisters, our friends, our children. New dreams and ideals will lead us on our way. Old dreams served us yesterday, and the past is GONE. They can't direct our present.

Affirmation:
I will look with excitement at my toppling world. It signifies growth - intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. Old ideals will bind me - I will dare to dream new dreams and go where they lead with confidence.

As much as I try to believe that the world of ED around me must topple in order for me to truly embrace all that life has to offer, I somehow get stuck because a fear of it toppling begins to overpower me... Along with the fear of it toppling comes doubt that no matter how hard I try, the world of ED will never really topple down...

That may sound ludicrous, but it's what is real for me right now... It is the battle and struggle that is taking place in me... Even though these two things are paradoxical, they both rise up in me...

And then, there is still the part of me that believes or feels like I can live LIFE and still have my eating disorder around... That's the part of me that's still convinced that I've got this thing figured out and worked out to a definite science - the part of me that only sees the so-called "positives" of my eating disorder...

For some reason, what I've just shared with you made me think about a visit I had with a friend of mine (who is a nurse) yesterday... I was trying to explain to her that I've been struggling to see the ugliness of ED, which makes it hard for me to turn from it entirely... When I said this, she challenged me to reframe it and to think about it in a different manner... She challenged me to change my pursuit from seeing ED's ugliness to ED's harmfulness to me...

Wow! What a challenge...

Anyway, I guess this comes to mind because I am assuming that it may take a real revelation of ED's harmfulness as it would relate to me in order for stuff to really start shifting... I don't know how that real revelation comes and breaks through the feeling of invincibility that is so strong in me... But... I feel like that is what needs to happen in order for me to even begin seeing the world of ED toppling around me...

(Sigh)...

I have had a few very rough days in terms of following my meal plan... I feel quite overwhelmed and defeated and frustrated... I feel kinda stuck...

I just wish I could shut down the continual mathematical equation that persists between my ears...

I just feel like no matter what I try to do to take me in the direction of recovery, it isn't enough or is a failed attempt... I know I need to try and reframe that by considering progress rather than perfection...

Anyway, to wrap up this post, I guess I will choose to say that in God - my ultimate source of STRENGTH - ALL things are POSSIBLE! I won't lay down in defeat. NO! I will rise! In this moment, I WILL rise! I will not let the fear of failure halt me! I will choose to put one foot in front of the other and walk! I won't let the feelings of being overcome keep me from trying to embrace LIFE! I won't let hesitation and fear of the unknown keep me from taking a positive step! Though ED's continual pleas and mockeries try to quench every bit of my strength, I will NOT quit! I will NOT give up! I will take this journey in stride...

~ONE DAY AT A TIME ~
~ONE STEP AT A TIME~
~ONE MOMENT AT A TIME~
~ONE BITE AT A TIME~

Affirmation needed to get refocused today...

Sigh... Doing my best not to feel super defeated today... 

Ughhh!

"I will keep my head - my heart - my soul - all of me - in the game! I won't give up! I will be grateful for grace and for patience! I will not be a continual statistic! I will rise above! Though I may rise up a bit and fall back a little, I will not grow weary in trying! I will value progress and not perfection! I will pick myself up today and remember that it is NOT too late to turn this day around! I will not let ED overcome this entire day! Though I struggle to find my voice, I will muster up even an internal whisper and will whisper even the most simple of truths. I will remember I DON'T walk alone! I will do my best to choose life in this moment!" ~me

A devotional that brought encouragement...

So... I just wanted to share this devotional with all of you... I read it this morning, and it really spoke to me... I was reminded of how important it is to love and support one another, and also of how important it is to take the step that is before us!

"It isn't for the moment you are struck that you need courage,
but for the long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security."
~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Most of us are on a long uphill climb at this moment. It is a climb we are making together, and yet a climb we can't do for each other. I can reach out my hand to you, and you can grasp my hand in return. But my steps are my own, just as you, too, can only take one step at a time.

For brief periods we skip, even run, along the uphill path. The rocks and the occasional boulder momentarily trip us up. We need patience and trust that the summit is still achievable. We can help one another have patience. We can remind one another to trust.

We look back at the periods that devastated us long ago. And now we are here. We have climbed this far. We are stronger, saner, more secure. Each step makes easier the next step -- each step puts us on more solid ground.

Affirmation:
I may run into some rocks or even a boulder today.
I have stepped around them in the past.
I will do so again.

I don't know how many of you feel like you are on the long uphill climb right now, but I know that I am! It is a very steep one at that! However, I know I must keep trudging forward -- no matter how slowly I take each subsequent step!

I am grateful for the few hands that reach out to me along the way, and it is a privilege for me to reach out to others as they are trying to climb!

Let's keep going! Even when it seems too difficult, don't give up!

I am having to say this to myself right now too! I feel like throwing in the towel, but I know that giving up really isn't an option!

Just a little poetry to help me cope... And some other writing...

Internal Dispute
By: Kim Hembry©
September 9, 2011

Feeling so torn in this journey I'm on...
Trying to remember I've been made for much more...

Trying to let the truth reign within me...
Trying to press on - longing to see -

Longing to see hope arise deep within...
Trying to believe that one day I'll win...

Trying to stand up to ED's desperate pleas...
Trying to ignore the loud mockeries...

Trying to hang on to what truth lies within...
Trying to stand up again and again...

Trying to rise up in the midst of defeat...
Trying to remember God's strength reigns in me...

Trying to hold on with relentless faith intact...
Trying to trust that God's got my back...

Trying to endure the discomfort and pain...
Trying to be strong and stay in the game...

Trying to realize that each step's valuable...
Trying to remember that in Him I am able...

Trying to see truth in the midst of such lies...
Trying to see ED with real and clear eyes...

Trying to trust what my team's telling me...
Trying to understand that one day I'll see -

That one day I'll see that I'm walking in light -
That one day I'll experience abundance of life,

But I must hang on and in patience endure,
So that one day ahead I'll live for much more!

So... This poem was how I was able to get my feelings out tonight...

It has been a struggle since getting out of treatment... I believe I have the "want to" on the inside of me to stand up to ED and to fight against him (especially if I consider God's strength in me), but the execution of doing so has been a little elusive - to say the least...

I met with my therapist twice this week, which I know I needed... I met with her this morning, and overall, I know the session went well... ED got some extra confrontation - some that I, alone, haven't been able to give him...

I really want to work with my therapist and my dietitian -- you know -- like play on the same team as them, but ED has been so loud and fighting quite hard, not wanting to give up any ground... I don't want to fight against my team, but ED has been preventing me from trusting them and being able to follow my meal plan consistently...

My therapist told me today that they (she and my dietitian) haven't really been able to evaluate how my body is reacting to my current meal plan because I haven't been able to follow it consistently... However, they have been able to see the effects of the fact that my intake hasn't been sufficient - such as my skin's lack of glow and luminosity (looking dull) and my hair's lack of shine (also dull), amidst other things... I, on the other hand, have been feeling like I am eating too much... My physical appearance and weight are apparently saying otherwise... I feel kind of frustrated and slightly overwhelmed by it all...

With that being said, I have tried to keep my head up today and have tried to stand up to all that ED's been screaming at me... I think I have followed my meal plan pretty close today, and I did okay yesterday...

It would be so much easier if my mind wasn't so fixated on numbers and wasn't analyzing everything that goes into my body... It would be so much easier if I was actually even remotely hungry... BUT... My head has been so bombarded with numbers, and I haven't been hungry even in the least bit...

Though I feel like there has been a lot fighting against me, I am trying to give myself a little credit for some positive steps that I've taken over the past day and a half... ED is making that quite hard because he's chanting FAILURE! FAILURE! FAILURE! However, I am trying to shut out his voice and realize that doing what my team is asking me to is actually WINNING! and NOT failing!

My therapist told me that she can see that I am very afraid of recovery and that deep inside of me is the belief that recovery and getting better mean, "getting fat." Hmmm... I think she was right... I hate that she was right, but I think she was!

I know deep down in me that I want to be free from all of this, but at the same time, the fear of what freedom means is quite strong...

I am also now reminded that with God on my side, I don't have to worry or fear... "If God is for me, who can be against me?" "What can hurt me if God is on my side?" He doesn't desire that I walk in fear... He desires that I walk in peace... He doesn't desire that I remain in bondage... He desires that I walk in freedom...

Oh, how desperately I need God to intervene on my behalf right now... Oh, how much I need Him to help me see the possibility and opportunity and purpose that await me if I continue... Oh, how much I need Him to quiet my fears and usher in peace as I try to learn to trust -- to trust Him, my team, my meal plan, my body, myself...

Oh... To pray and breathe in this moment is what I need...

As I wrap up this post, I will choose to believe that -- ONE DAY AT A TIME ~ ONE STEP AT A TIME ~ ONE MOMENT AT A TIME ~ ONE BITE AT A TIME -- I will make it...

Affirmations to start off... A Poem to conclude... What a journey this is!

So... I started off the day with a few great affirmations...

I am moving and changing and growing, at the RIGHT pace.
The process can be trusted.
What is right for me WILL come to me.
I WILL let the JOY of becoming warm me!

A special series of events has been planned for me today.
I shall NOT miss it!

I will listen to the music of today.
I will get in tune, in rhythm.
I am needed for the concert's BEAUTY!

You may wonder why I started off my day this way... Well, the road has been bumpy and the journey trying (which I guess should be expected)! The first affirmation is the one that is most powerful for me today! Or should I say it will be the most powerful and important one for quite a while!?!?

When I saw my dietitian on Friday, she told me that I need to be a little easier on myself and accept where I am on this journey at this point... She told me that I have made sooooooooo much progress since first starting with her... That is hard for me to receive and even harder to believe and accept because recovery is painted so black and white in my mind... I feel like I've barely made it even a day in real "recovery." I don't know... Part of me feels like even when I complete my meal plan right now, I really am not "in recovery" because I feel like I can't stop acting out in my eating disorder in some way, shape, or form... Gauging the state of my mind, I feel the farthest from recovery... But... I am probably being to harsh...

Or maybe I am just too afraid of losing ED... Maybe I am too afraid of really working recovery for all that it is because I am afraid of failure and not being able to make it anyway? I know I am still afraid of recovery, but my team has challenged me to do my best to work it anyway right now because without being able to work it, I will never learn to trust it... And without being able to work it, I will never be able to trust my meal plan and how my body will respond to it...

Hmmmm... I also feel like I have no other choice but to work recovery right now, especially because God has placed a few very amazing friends in my life that are super supportive... And they love me too much to let ED win...

I hate that my eating disorder seems like more fun than recovery does...

I guess all in all, I am glad that someone else (my dietitian) can see some light and can see some progress... Part of me wants to be happy about making some kind of notable progress, but inside I don't feel that way... I feel like I've been weak, and ED won't let me feel good about making good decisions... It's like I feel defeated by ED when I work recovery, and I feel defeated by ED when I don't...

I hate that this post has turned into something kind of negative, but I guess it is good that some of this is able to come out of me through a little writing...

I should feel very good about today because I have followed my meal plan so far and have warded off the great urges to exercise, as well as, many other urges... However, I feel somewhat sad and unfulfilled...

In saying all of this, I feel like a sourpuss! I know that God does not desire for me to feel overcome or defeated. ED wants me to feel that way, but God does not! God desires for me to feel empowered and victorious because He's equipped me to stand up to ED in many ways today... I just feel like I have to force myself into being even remotely glad about doing some things right that are in the direction of recovery... That doesn't seem right! Does it?

Well, let's see...

Thought Chain
By: Kim Hembry©
September 4, 2011

I'm sighing deep within-
Uncertain of all of this.

Feel so weak, so overcome.
In freedom, I long to run-

To run in the rain-
To jump and to sing.

What would it be like?
Would it be nice?

Would I feel happy?
Would I feel some relief?

How long will it take-
To feel somewhat safe?

To quiet the voice in my mind-
To stand up to the lies?

When will I feel better?
And not feel sadder?

When will the table turn?
For how long will my stomach churn?

And what about the fear?
And the locked up tears?

Will I get some release?
Some respite of peace?

I am desperate for light-
For hope on the inside.

For strength to press on-
To live far beyond-

Beyond ED's demands-
Freed from his hands.

Beyond condescending pleas-
Freed from his mockeries.

Beyond self-torturing lies-
Freed to see with no disguise.

Beyond the mold and prescribed form-
Freed to live and be reborn.

Freed to catch a glimpse of me-
And someday a tinge of beauty.

But until that day dawns-
I must stand up and press on.

Press on where I am-
With what I hold in my hand.

Take each step one by one-
Until the day of victory comes!

Today in retrospect... Honest internal reflection... Yikes!

²⁸Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, does not faint or grow weary; there is no searching of His understanding.

²⁹He gives power to the faint and weary, and to him who has no might He increases strength [causing it to multiply and making it to abound].

³⁰Even youths shall faint and be weary, and [selected] young men shall feebly stumble and fall exhausted;

³¹But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.

Isaiah 40: 28-31

¹³Come now, you who say, Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a city and spend a year there and carry on our business and make money.

¹⁴Yet you do not know [the least thing] about what may happen tomorrow. What is the nature of your life? You are [really] but a wisp of vapor (a puff of smoke, a mist) that is visible for a little while and then disappears [into thin air].

¹⁵You ought instead to say, If the Lord is willing, we shall live and we shall do this or that [thing].

James 4:13-15

When I first read these passages, I coudn't help but think to myself, "Praise be to God who WILL strengthen me," because I felt pretty weak and tired from this fight... I was also reminded that I need only look at today - rather than at the remaining part of this very long journey...

As I got started with today, I managed to pull my food together for breakfast and made it through... I then got ready and headed out for a session with my therapist...

As I drove to my therapist's office, I became somewhat overwhelmed as to where I'd begin today... I had so much going on in my head... Overall, I felt very perplexed because over the past week (since my last session), I've realized just how right my therapist was in saying that I basically have NO freedom because ED is SO -- SO -- SO in control...

Over the past week, I spent time putting together a collage that depicts why I still feel like I need my eating disorder ~ a collage that depicts some of the comforts and promises I still feel like my eating disorder gives me... I did this because I've been struggling to find words to express all that I feel my ED still offers me...


As I looked at the collage this morning, I realized something that I didn't intend to realize... I began to recognize that I still have a deep rooted belief that I can live my life AND practice my eating disorder too (both at the same time)... Actually, that's all I've known! The rational side of me tries to grasp a hold of the truth that what I am believing isn't really true... I began to feel frustrated that I felt so stuck and also that my eating disorder still has such a hold - or rather, a tight grip - on me... Arghhh!

Something that happened yesterday reinforced to me just how strong my eating disorder really is... So... I don't mean for what I'm about to share to be triggering, but I am going to mention a few numbers... So, yesterday I was at my parents' house trying to put my lunch together... I've been used to eating a whole grain tortilla that has 80 calories, 12 gr. of fiber, 8 gr. of protein, and 1/2 gr. of fat... The one in my mom's pantry had 130 calories, only 3 gr. of fiber, 2 gr. of protein, and 3 gr. of fat... I started to freak out so badly inside... All I could seem to do was try and figure out how I would cancel out and/or balance out my calories for the day... AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I had such a hard time dealing with it... It bothered me all day...

With that being said, counseling was good but kinda hard today... ED was confronted quite a bit, and I was challenged in many ways... My therapist told me that as I go through this week, she wants me to think about things I enjoy (not in relation to food)... She wants to take some mental space away from ED...

Hmmmmmmm...

My therapist also challenged one of my patterns of thinking today... Most of the time when I am talking about recovery, I say, "I am trying to trust...", "I am trying not to manipulate...", "I am trying not to restrict..."; she challenged me to say, "I am trusting..." She also reminded me of the importance of staying present and of taking each day in stride as it comes... ONE STEP AT A TIME! and ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!

I've tried to do that throughout the rest of today... I've been trying to take today in stride and do my best to work recovery... Speaking of which, I guess I better wrap this post up, so I can figure out how to finish all of my remaining exchanges for today...

Blessings to all of you on your own journey!

To this point... I am grateful for...

Truth be told... The journey continues... BUT... It continues quite slowly - with a few steps forward and a step back from time to time... I am trying to be patient with the process and not expect perfection from myself, but that is easier said than done!

It is a moment by moment and bite by bite journey... It is very difficult, but I am determined to try to press on and not fall into a place of self-sabotage like I have during all other previous "attempts" at recovery... Even though recovery still scares me, I am trying to work it, especially in terms of my meal plan...

I am trying to be brutally honest with myself and with my treatment team... I am trying not to have secrets that only keep me trapped... I am trying to trust my treatment team and this process to a certain extent even though I still don't trust the whole idea of recovery yet...

I am choosing to believe that as I keep doing the deeper work with my therapist, trust will increase, and I will slowly but surely start making more consistent progress...

I am trying to embrace each day, each step, and each moment as it comes and deal with each one to the best of my ability...

I am grateful for a few very supportive friends that love me right where I am and encourage me to keep walking this journey...

I am grateful for my parents who have shown me immense support and have shown me that they have placed my recovery as a priority... Even though pride tries to ward off the help they offer me, I am deeply grateful for the love they have shown me and all they continue to do for me...

I am grateful for my professional OP treatment team because I know they do really care about me and want to see me walking successfully... I know they want to see me walking free from the bondage that ED still has on me... I know they speak truth (even very hard truth at times) because they want to do their part to help me...

I am grateful for a strength that God has built up within me to keep showing up day in and day out... I am grateful that His mercies are made new every morning... I am grateful that God has given me a certain measure of hope and joy on the inside of me to propel me onward in this journey...

I am grateful for my job and for all of my students... There is a piece of me that comes alive when I am teaching that doesn't come alive at other times... I am trying to let my job be a motivation for me as I try to work recovery right now - trying to accept the truth that I really can't be the teacher or mentor my students need me to be if I am not willing to do my part of recovery...

In many ways, recovery is mechanical right now and feels more like a "have to" than a "want to" or an "I deserve to," but I am trying to believe that is okay for now...

I don't want to fulfill the definition of insanity of doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result... I have spent too many years doing that!

I do want to experience something new and something different... It is a foreign concept for me in many ways, but I am trying to embrace the opportunity for discovery...

Hmmm... I adopted a new affirmation/mantra today as I spent some time reflecting upon the value of each day... Here goes...

"Today is a gift... I will receive it... I will accept it... I will be open to all of its possibilities... I will be thankful for what I find as it unfolds...
No matter what!"
~KRH

I am going to try and start off each day with my newly written quotation, even when some things seem the farthest from being a gift... I challenge you to do the same...

Be blessed in your own journey! Keep on keeping on! Don't give up!

A very LONG day!

GoOd MoRnInG!

So... I just walked into my therapist's office, and for some reason I am kinda nervous... I guess part of the reason is because I haven't had the best week in regards to working recovery!

Deep down, I know I should talk to her about my Miralax issue (taking a little too much sometimes...), about my binge/purge episode, about slightly restricting, about all of the extra fiber, and about the urges I have regarding exercise...

ED is fighting me hard right now - I can pretty much feel that he is trying to get my mouth clenched shut, so I can't/don't talk about what's going on with me, but I know I have to stand up to him!

I know I need to share with my therapist that I gave myself a counseling/art therapy assignment and why! I know I need to try and delve into all that is keeping me from letting go of ED and putting myself fully into recovery... Arghh!

I am also terrified of what may come up in me...

(Written after my session...)

Well, I faced it! I opened up... I didn't keep it all in... I have so much going on in my head right now... My therapist told me that i am not experiencing any freedom and that my eating disorder is completely controlling me... That confrontation came when I said that one reason I am afraid to throw myself into recovery is fear of losing control... She said I have no control and that ED is in control... Arghh! I know I probably needed to hear that, but man! It sucks!

I know I want to try recovery - that deep down, I really do! I am frustrated that I can't trust this process... My therapist said that at the core of me is a deep/big trust issue that keeps me from trusting in recovery - from trusting those at the world-renowned-hospital from which I was recently discharged from treatment - from trusting one of the top dietitians in the state of Texas - from trusting my body... AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

ED says I should've kept my mouth shut... Yet I know that's really a lie... I kind of feel stuck - at a loss for words... My mind seems very jumbled right now...

I am able to recognize a few things that are better than they were, but I still don't really feel good about anything I've done regarding recovery... My therapist wants me to explore why I can't feel good about the things that are going well in recovery - why I don't feel good about positive steps taken in the direction of recovery...

There's so much more I feel I need to get out right now, but I don't even know how! I mean, in the moment, I am just reminding myself to breathe... TO PRAY AND TO BREATHE as I wait to see my dietitian.

Oh, I'm not the most excited about this one... Especially after the counseling session I just had... I feel anxious and want to run... Run away from it all!

Truthfully, besides taking a little too much Miralax last night, the past three days have been positive days that are leading in the direction of recovery... But, I don't know... I feel defeated and stuck!

My therapist reminded me earlier that my dietitian wasn't changing my current meal plan because she wanted me to learn to trust it and wants to see how my body will respond to it... My therapist said that if I can't work recovery in regards to my meal plan, then my dietitian can't see how my body is responding... True statement! Hard - but TRUE!

I feel like I just need to take a deep breath now!

I guess what makes me feel so defeated is that the truth is that I can't work recovery "a little bit" and practice my eating disorder just "a little bit"; I am either working RECOVERY or ED is working me! This is what I am struggling to believe right now... I can accept it as truth, but I am having a hard time letting it take root in me and really believing it to be true for me! I guess that goes back around to TRUST -- trusting recovery - trusting my dietitian - trusting my meal plan - trusting my body - trusting God with my body... AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Okay, that's all for now... More to come I'm sure... I'm about to see my dietitian...

PRAY AND BREATHE!

(Written after my session with my dietitian...)

So... Truth is that I kind of entered my dietitian's office with clenched teeth... Part of me didn't want to see her... However, I am very glad I did see her! She is really an amazing woman!

When I first entered her office, I am pretty sure she knew I was entering reluctantly... She asked me if I was angry she wouldn't let me exercise (specifically, run!)... Deep down, I am trying to believe that it really isn't ok for me to run right now... I kind of feel like a time bomb is continually ticking down, and before long, I am going to have to go for a run whether I have permission or not... But, I also know that I have spent countless years teetering and tottering back and forth between all of my ED behaviors... I don't want to fulfill the definition of insanity and keep doing the same things over and over expecting a different result than what I have yet to see... So... That means that I have to try and trust this thing called recovery...

As we talked, I shared all of the ways that I've subtly been practicing my eating disorder (at times subconsciously and at times with much rationalization)... I also briefed her on all that took place during my counseling session this morning...

Before we could get too far into the session, I just had to know what my body has been doing... Of course I didn't need to know numbers, but I felt like I needed to know if I've been gaining, maintaining, or losing... I feel like I've been ballooning! Well, when I asked her what had happened since being discharged, she told me that I have lost weight... ED is super HAPPY about that, and I feel like a part of me is too... I am still not okay with my weight...

When I asked her about my weight, she had more leverage to use when she talked to me about running... Okay... So, physiologically, I can't afford to run yet... For me, that sucks! I want to soooooooo badly! However, as I talked with her, some rational thought somehow surfaced... I realized that if I were allowed to run right now, it would become my life again... Each day I would have to run further than the day before, and it would soon completely take me over as it has before... SO... with that being said, I guess I am going to try and wait to see what my body is doing and trust my dear dietitian...

I feel like I have so much more to get out of me regarding my appointments today, but I am absolutely exhausted... I guess to wrap this post up I will say that I was told that my meal plan is a non-negotiable... It is not to be tweaked or altered... I need to finish it EVERY DAY! Also, another non-negotiable is to take ONLY the prescribed dose of Miralax... (I will see her again in a week and a half...)

To make a long story short... The journey continues...

ONE DAY AT A TIME!
ONE STEP AT A TIME!
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!
ONE BITE AT A TIME!