Wednesday, December 21, 2011

An update and some pondering...

It's actually been quite a while since I last posted... Probably too long!

Things have been going alright. I have hit certain bumps on the road to recovery, but I have continued to press forward. I have had slips and falls, but my choice has been to get back up again.

On Friday, I saw both my therapist and dietitians. Praise be to God that He is making a way for me to be able to keep seeing them. When I saw my therapist I took a picture with me that I had drawn. She dissected it... As she looked at it, she said a word... A word that I believe is worth pondering... That word was "BECOMING"... She toldme that I was in a season of becoming and that I should see myself in that place rather than in the extremes of pass and fail... Rather than achieve or be a failure... Rather than black and white... Rather than old and new... Rather than was and is and will be... To see myself in a place of BECOMING...

Truly this word brings up a sense of empowerment. I'm not sure if I am understanding all that it encompasses or not, but as I think about being in a season of becoming, there seems to be a pressure that is lifted off of me... To be in a season of becoming may be where I am for the rest of my life, but as I think about it, that may not be a bad thing...

To choose to be in a season of becoming would mean that certain expectations would fade away... It would mean that certain pressures would be minimized... Choosing to be in a season of becoming means accepting the place where I am on the way to where I am going... It means choosing contentment during the process... It means some gray area... It means understanding that there is give and take... Both steps forward and steps back... It means choosing to believe that each moment is valuable in the big picture... It means choosing to extend grace and mercy to myself on this journey, realizing that perfection is not the expectation... It is choosing to believe that both the victories and the failures help to prepare me for the future that awaits me... It means choosing to extend patience along this journey... It means accepting the process and trusting it is going at the right pace... Wow! Overall it seems like a pretty incredible set of possibilities!

So often I get stuck in a place of such high expectation which leads me into a place of feeling defeated and like a failure and overcome... However, being in a season of becoming seems to provide room for progress, knowledge, learning, and patience...

I think all of what I have written is some of what my therapist was wanting me to see and understand... I believe she desires to see me at a place of acceptance for each day that I face... To be in a season of becoming provides such liberty... It nullifies so many of the "have-to's", "should's", and "ought's."

I will latch onto this new idea as I keep taking this journey one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one bite at a time!

Monday, December 12, 2011

An update.. and a poem written after a fall...

It has been a while since I posted...

Recovery is a journey for sure! One of ups and downs! One with twists and turns! One that is uncertain! One that is both exciting and frightening at the same time!

Toward the end of Thanksgiving week, I began slipping backward quite rapidly... I couldn't understand it at first, but then after meeting with my therapist and dietitian, I was able to realize that many triggers were present and I was reacting out of old comforts... Even as realization of triggers came, the battle and struggle seemed only to intensify... However, God didn't let me completely sink!

I hit several hopeless days on the journey over the past two weeks, but praise be to God that His mercy is new every morning! I am thankful for my team... They have come alongside me in truth and in love to help me press on through this roadblock and stumbling block...

Friday, a new tenacity (I believe from the Lord) began to rise up in me to do all I could that day to stand up to ED -- to do all I could and to let God do all He desired in me to keep ED from swaying me further off course... I knew deep down I did NOT want to spiral backward completely... By the grace of God and through much support, I met the requirements of my meal plan that day!

I continued pressing on in the fight on Saturday and did pretty well, but that night ED seemed to have gotten the best of me... That's when I wrote this...

Frustrated Awe
By: Kim Hembry©

So overcome by shame and guilt
I am shadowed in darkness

So overwhelmed by ED's strong pleas
I can't believe how I fell

The darkness clouded and overcame -
Me without remorse. I feel lost

The tormenting sound of screeching demands
I am saddened by the taunting

It seemed it was the only response
Yet now I realize it was NOT

An extra large failure... a sure letdown...
I am disappointed in myself

ED overcame and took way too much
It is frustrating to see this

I want to scream yet feel my voice is silenced
I am struck by deep remorse

For falling for the taunting pleas
For failing to supersede

I have fallen prey to the sickening cries
I have landed on my face

I am sunken within and feel without escape
I am longing for amazing grace

To descend upon me - to bring me a peace
I need the Abba's love to surround me

Take my hand and don't let me lose
I want to know what You have in store

Take my hand and walk beside me
I am in awe of Your love

This was how I processed what seemed to be like a pretty large fall on Saturday, and I am happy to report that God has come to my aide...

I was able to restart yesterday -- to jump back on the recovery bandwagon! I met all of my exchange requirements yesterday! It took a lot of fight and relentless perseverance, but at the end of the day, it all came together...

Deep down I know I want to keep walking this road and continue on this journey to recovery... I want to know and experience a life I've yet to know...

I will not lose heart as this journey continues... I will not quit nor give up! For my strength is renewed by the One who lives within me! I will not be overcome and overruled by ED... I have been made to conquer and to overcome! Though I may feel tired and weary of the fight, I will remember that my Abba's strength is perfected in my weakness... I will remember that it is the TRUTH that shall continue setting me free! I must remind myself that my value and worth are not found in my reflection nor in a number that blinks on a scale... I must remember that I have been designed as a unique work-of-art by the Master Artist with unparalleled gifts and talents meant to be shared with the world!

If you are walking a similar journey, I beg of you that you wouldn't give up! Keep fighting! Keep pressing on! YOU ARE WORTH IT! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WORTH IT!

Let's take this journey one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one bite at a time...

Friday, December 2, 2011

Poem I wrote last night... It's been a long week!

Below is a poem I wrote last night...

It has a been a rough week as far as recovery and life go... However, I am not going to lose heart!
Writing this poem helped me to get regrounded!

There is still a lot to catch up on as well, so my hope is to post an entry later today...

Until then, hope you enjoy...

Introspective Grounding
By: Kim Hembry©
December 1, 2011

ED’s cunning voice beckons
It’s longing for peace
It’s screaming and chanting
Deep within me

ED’s pleas increase
They become louder
The strict demands
Start to devour

I gasp for a breath
In need of a break
I reach out for help
For my own sake

Yet ED taunts and jeers
Surrounding with threats
Tears start to fall
To him, I’m in debt

He tries to convince me
To yield to his cry
He tries to keep me
Trapped in the lies

Yet there is One
Who will overcome
His name is Jesus
He’s God’s only Son

He came down to earth
He lived and He died
He bore all my pain
So I could have life

He took my place
When He died on the cross
He paid all my debt
And spared me the loss

He’s the reason I fight
He’s the reason I stand
Though at times I feel dry
He’s sustaining my hand

This journey is long
Still uncertain of time
This is such a battle
I strain toward lasting life

Though the struggle persists
And the journey goes on
I won’t lose heart
I’ll look to the Son

Take hold of me
As You hear my strong pleas
Help me to stand
Don't let ED overtake me

For I will endure
In the strength of the Lord
I won’t lose heart
I’ll gladly stand up

For the time is right now
Fear won't overrule
I will lift up my eyes
To the Lover of my soul!