Monday, December 12, 2011

An update.. and a poem written after a fall...

It has been a while since I posted...

Recovery is a journey for sure! One of ups and downs! One with twists and turns! One that is uncertain! One that is both exciting and frightening at the same time!

Toward the end of Thanksgiving week, I began slipping backward quite rapidly... I couldn't understand it at first, but then after meeting with my therapist and dietitian, I was able to realize that many triggers were present and I was reacting out of old comforts... Even as realization of triggers came, the battle and struggle seemed only to intensify... However, God didn't let me completely sink!

I hit several hopeless days on the journey over the past two weeks, but praise be to God that His mercy is new every morning! I am thankful for my team... They have come alongside me in truth and in love to help me press on through this roadblock and stumbling block...

Friday, a new tenacity (I believe from the Lord) began to rise up in me to do all I could that day to stand up to ED -- to do all I could and to let God do all He desired in me to keep ED from swaying me further off course... I knew deep down I did NOT want to spiral backward completely... By the grace of God and through much support, I met the requirements of my meal plan that day!

I continued pressing on in the fight on Saturday and did pretty well, but that night ED seemed to have gotten the best of me... That's when I wrote this...

Frustrated Awe
By: Kim Hembry©

So overcome by shame and guilt
I am shadowed in darkness

So overwhelmed by ED's strong pleas
I can't believe how I fell

The darkness clouded and overcame -
Me without remorse. I feel lost

The tormenting sound of screeching demands
I am saddened by the taunting

It seemed it was the only response
Yet now I realize it was NOT

An extra large failure... a sure letdown...
I am disappointed in myself

ED overcame and took way too much
It is frustrating to see this

I want to scream yet feel my voice is silenced
I am struck by deep remorse

For falling for the taunting pleas
For failing to supersede

I have fallen prey to the sickening cries
I have landed on my face

I am sunken within and feel without escape
I am longing for amazing grace

To descend upon me - to bring me a peace
I need the Abba's love to surround me

Take my hand and don't let me lose
I want to know what You have in store

Take my hand and walk beside me
I am in awe of Your love

This was how I processed what seemed to be like a pretty large fall on Saturday, and I am happy to report that God has come to my aide...

I was able to restart yesterday -- to jump back on the recovery bandwagon! I met all of my exchange requirements yesterday! It took a lot of fight and relentless perseverance, but at the end of the day, it all came together...

Deep down I know I want to keep walking this road and continue on this journey to recovery... I want to know and experience a life I've yet to know...

I will not lose heart as this journey continues... I will not quit nor give up! For my strength is renewed by the One who lives within me! I will not be overcome and overruled by ED... I have been made to conquer and to overcome! Though I may feel tired and weary of the fight, I will remember that my Abba's strength is perfected in my weakness... I will remember that it is the TRUTH that shall continue setting me free! I must remind myself that my value and worth are not found in my reflection nor in a number that blinks on a scale... I must remember that I have been designed as a unique work-of-art by the Master Artist with unparalleled gifts and talents meant to be shared with the world!

If you are walking a similar journey, I beg of you that you wouldn't give up! Keep fighting! Keep pressing on! YOU ARE WORTH IT! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WORTH IT!

Let's take this journey one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one bite at a time...

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