A poem of expression and a call to get grounded!

This is a poem that came together last night after having a very rough day trying to fight for recovery but feeling very overcome by ED. Though there are tinges of desperation as you read it, I am not without hope! I have chosen to rise up today!

What you will read below is just an honest expression of how I felt last night as defeat tried to creep in. My hope is that if you, too, are feeling like ED has gotten the best of you, please do not lose heart!

Get grounded in some truth - you are worth it! Today is a new day, and what awaits us (though it may bring some anxiety) is far better than what ED can offer and has offered us!

Grounding
By: Kim Hembry©
October 26, 2011

ED’s beckoning overtook me today
I feel so disgusted
I want to run away

What I saw reflected, what looked back at me
Caused me to sink and
Repulsed me so deeply

Will the mocking stop, will it ever flee?
I’m so full of guilt
So tired of such mockery

Deep within my soul, I long to be free
Yet, I struggle to let go
And fight the beckoning

I’m taunted by the voices; they echo constantly
I can’t seem to ignore
All that rages within me

I’m saddened to the core - afraid to disappoint
I can’t stand all the torment
I feel like ED’s damn toy

The numbers that pass and taunt me in my mind
They never seem to stop
I feel quite undermined

I try to take steps - try responding to the truth
Yet I seem to be impeded
By constant, tormenting abuse

Yet I know I must press on - I know I cannot quit
I'll show up in spite of pain
I long for some respite

Can you come to my aide, can you hear me?
Am I all alone?
The battle is raging

Please hear my cry - hear my desperate plea
I need some extra help
I can’t do this solely

I’m afraid to let you in - I scream silently
If you heard my cry
You’d surely rescue me

Though I seek release from the hellish life I’ve known
I’m afraid of what awaits
Of what I’ve never known

There’s a promise for something better - for something new
Yet I struggle to latch on
I’ve seemed to be subdued

Though I feel perplexed by all that rages in me
I will keep pressing on
I won’t give up easily

I will lift my head and will keep straining ahead
I won’t surrender
To the bleak plight of ED

It will require the strength that overcomes
I can’t do it all alone
But to God’s strength all succumbs

I’ll take a deep breath and take another step
I am meant to soar
I will not become inept

So in spite of the constant mockery, I will stand up
And fight for victory
I’ve been saved by LOVE

Be inspired, my BRAVE reader!

What I am posting here is a response I posted on a different website that has been inspirational for me, www.bravegirlsclub.com. A question was asked: What would you tell a Brave Girl who feels like her life has fallen apart and will never be put back together?

Some of who who are reading this may feel like that "Brave Girl", but maybe you don't consider yourself brave... I want to challenge you to see yourself as brave because anyone who does not give up is BRAVE! Anyone who chooses to press on in spite of adversity is BRAVE! Anyone who relentlessly keeps standing up even after countless falls is BRAVE!

So, here goes... This was (and still is) my response...

If I could talk to a brave girl who was going through a rough time who felt as though she couldn't pick up the shattered pieces of her life and somehow press on, I would first let her know that she is not alone, that I, too, have been in several seasons of life where everything seemed to be hopelessly shattered... I would also remind her that she does not have to fight alone, but that she is worth another person's time and can choose to let another person into her shattered space... I would remind her that she is not meant to be Superwoman and face everything alone... I would remind her that it is okay to experience weakness because it is oftentimes in the times of greatest weakness that a new strength is discovered...

I would then look her in the eyes and tell her [or remind her] that she is a unique, one-of-a-kind masterpiece, created by the Master Artist, created and formed for a purpose for good, for hope, and for a future... I would continue to speak to her and let her know that she is loved beyond comprehension and seen by a heavenly Father, that whether she has met or known of Him yet, it is not too late to reach out and accept His free gift which brings with it a promise for LIFE - and that life - in ABUNDANCE! I would encourage her to keep on keeping on even though it seems impossible... I would remind her that even the smallest of steps taken forward are valuable and carry her along the path of her journey...

I would remind her that each and every season of her life is valuable and that even the most horrendous or messy "life season" can be transformed into something miraculous and glorious... I would remind her to take one day at a time, one step at a time, and one moment at a time!

Before I let her go, I would thank her for being willing to share part of her brokenness with me, that it was a privilege for me to be entrusted with some of the precious pearls of her life...

I pray that you are inspired and encouraged to keep on keeping on no matter what season of life you happen to find yourself in at this time. If you are like me and fighting for recovery, keep fighting! You are worth it! Oh so worth it! (Don't worry... I have to be reminded all of the time too...)

If you are the "Brave Girl" who needs to be loved on, encouraged, or reminded of truth, soak it up!

Don't give up! If you have fallen, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, take a deep breath, and realize the today can be the first day of the rest of your life!

Some inspiration... Be blessed!

I couldn't help but post this devotional/meditation today! I am imagining that many of you will be touched and encouraged by it, as am I! Let us remember that each step is valuable in our recovery!

Dear Wonderful Girl,

Making progress is amazing! Making great progress for many days, weeks, or months in a row is a fabulous feeling, and sometimes we think that we can go forever without making big mistakes and falling down.

Remember, sweet friend, that a big part of the progress is the mistakes that we make -- the times we fall down -- the stuff we sometimes call failing.

If you were going along great and then you messed up, or something came along and messed you up, don't you dare even think about quitting! All you've got to do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start over again tomorrow [or maybe even later today!]. This is a part of life that is going to happen over and over again; it does NOT mean you are a failure, it does NOT mean that you are never going to get there, it does NOT mean that you deserve it. It just means that you are a living and breathing human being and that you are completely normal!!!

It is going to be okay, lovely, it really is. Tomorrow is a new day. You get to start over. And if you mess up again, there will be another new day right after it. Just DO YOUR BEST!

You are so loved.
XOXO

Hope this ministered to you and blessed you wherever you are on your journey! I am having to be constantly reminded that the road and journey to recovery is far from perfect! There are twists and turns and bumps -- both big and small -- that will be encountered as we move forward. However, we mustn't lose heart or give up because it is SO SO SO WORTH IT to press on!

Even when we are struggling intensely, we must keep our mind fixated on truth and remind ourselves that we are worth fighting for because each of our lives is VALUABLE! We must remember that no matter how difficult a battle or struggle can be to fight, there is nothing -- NOTHING -- impossible when we tap into God's strength that is limitless!

Be blessed my co-warriors! Let's keep armoring up and fighting this battle! HOPE -- LIFE -- PEACE -- JOY -- FREEDOM are our prize!

Keep on keeping on wherever you are in your journey! I am learning that is all I can do too!

Take one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one bite at a time! That's how we can prevail!

Some truth that somehow came together in prose today... I need a grounding to help me to fight!

I am... ENOUGH!
By: Kim Hembry©
October 17, 2011

I am me, and it is enough...

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I was chosen before the foundations of the earth.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I was knit together in my mother’s womb.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I am God’s workmanship - His work-of-art.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because my Abba has called me by name.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because my name’s written on the palm of His hand.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I was created in the image of my Creator.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because God sent His Son to die for me.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I’ve been saved, set-apart and made holy.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I have been covered by grace and rescued by love.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I’ve been adopted; I’m a child of God.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I am cherished daughter of the King of kings.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because my value exceeds that of the most precious of jewels.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because the Spirit of the Lord God lives within me.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I have been created for a purpose and destined to be.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because unconditional love has been extended to me.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because my Creator makes no mistakes.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because my Father sees me as the apple of His eye.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because there’s a unique call placed on my life.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I’m seen, heard, and never forgotten.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because the price was paid by God’s One begotten.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I have life, and I’ve been given breath.

I am me, and it is enough -
Because I am His.

Letting out some feelings through poetry... Trying to calm my mind so I could go to sleep......

Reflection Perplexities
By: Kim Hembry©
October 15, 2011

I’m struggling to bear -
How I feel within my skin
I’m so perplexed within -
Still longing to be thin...

I’m torn between some things -
What I see and how I feel...
I am struggling to stand strong -
Against ED’s beckoning...

Trying to trust -
And believe what others see -
Is actually what’s true -
Not what’s looking back at me...

The battle is intense -
Constantly raging deep inside...
So often I’m overwhelmed -
All I can do is sigh...

Yet I know I must press on -
In spite of what I feel...
I know I mustn’t give up -
I must face that which is real...

Each day the battle rages -
Each day I must stand up...
There’s so much churning within -
Surely I can’t give up...

The terrain I’m standing on -
The waves I’m swimming through -
Oh, they seem impossible;
My only Hope is You...

Listen to my cry-
Hear my beckoning...
Come to my side -
Don’t leave me alone nor flee.

I will look to You -
I will cling to Your truth...
I will not give up -
I’ll fix my eyes on You.

A declaration... I will keep pressing on!

Here is a declaration I wrote this morning that I will be clinging to in the coming moments, hours, days, and weeks...

I have been having a very hard time fighting and standing up to ED... However, I know that I must get tenacious about standing up to ED, so I can stand up for LIFE!

After two confrontational appointments this week, I became more aware that I have been quite paralyzed because of fear...

I have chosen to adapt a few powerful scriptures and promises into the first person to use to help build me up and to help equip me for what seems like an impossible battle ahead of me... In my own strength, it is impossible to press on, but I will choose to believe that in His strength, it is possible!

So... Here goes...

"For You will fully satisfy my weary soul, and You will replenish me and restore me from all my languishing and sorrow. For Your love is my well worn path. Your unfailing love surrounds me, Lord! For my HOPE is in You alone! My inner self waits earnestly for You, Lord; You, are my HELP and my SHIELD. I seek after You, inquire of You, and require You of necessity and on the authority of Your Word, and You hear me, and You DELIVER me from all my fears."

A poem I wrote last night after a slight emotional breakdown...

I’ll Stand Up
By: Kim Hembry ©
October 2, 2011

Emotion rises up deep within me
I struggle to stand up and struggle to breathe

Tears stream down my face and trickle down my chest
I struggle to press on; I’m so in need of rest

Thoughts race to and fro as they pass through my mind
I struggle to stand up to the constant, tormenting lies

So repulsed by the reflection that I see in front of me
I struggle to find truth amidst such mockery

The battle is so strong and seems more intense
I struggle to lift my eyes; I stand in such suspense

I begin to doubt the existence of a brighter day
I struggle to fight and stand up in the face -

In the face of such turmoil, struggle and strain
In the face of ever-increasing, real, and constant pain

As the emotions rise, they begin to overtake
My chest pounds; my heart begins to quake

I open my mouth to let out a great scream
But my voice is gone; I can’t seem to speak

As the torment continues and the battle persists
I can barely press on; feel that I cannot resist

The plaguing thoughts that pass through my mind
The taunting pleas that echo inside

That come from the deepest places within
That continue to beckon with demands to be thin

Continually repulsed by the image I see
So desperate for eyes and a glimpse of beauty

Come to my rescue; come to my aide
I can’t seem to break out of this constant self-hate

I cry out for mercy; I’m so in need of grace
Can You lift the veil that covers of my face?

Can You give me a glimpse of Your constant light
Can You help me find hope and joy in spite -

In spite of the raging battle I continually fight
In spite of the constant shattering inside

Embrace me in love; wrap me in truth
Help me to see my purpose in You

With each passing day, with each moment endured
Help me to see that You are the cure

Fix my gaze on Your image so true
Wipe away the image that’s skewed

Only in You will I be able to stand
I will hold out, and I’ll trust in Your plan

Stretch out Your hand; I’m in need of rescue
Your love has won; I have been subdued

I can’t walk alone; I can’t do it without
The support and encouragement of friends that I’ve found

I will trust in You; to Your promise I’ll cling
I will keep pressing on ‘til I see sweet victory

The pondering of this day... Hmmm...

There is a phrase I have heard three times over the past week... My therapist, dietitian, and pastor have all said the same thing... The words that make up this phrase are, "You (will) have to give yourself permission..." Because both my therapist and dietitian said these words directly to me this week, and because my pastor happened to say them in his sermon this morning, I am really trying to take them to heart and let them come to life for me...

When my dietitian told me this, she was talking to me about my meal plan [which I have really been struggling to follow]! When my therapist told me this, she was encouraging me to take some time to have a "mental-health-recovery-day" to do some things I'd enjoy because I have been super busy [and haven't done very well with taking care of myself]! When my pastor said this, he was encouraging all of us present in the service to dream BIGGER than we've ever dreamed before...

The whole idea of "giving myself permission" is rather foreign to me... I have spent most of my life enslaved to Ed's constant demands and pleas... I have spent most of my life pressured beneath the constant expectations I've felt like others have had for me which I've then fought tirelessly to attain... I have spent most of my life conforming to the countless commands I've believed were imposed upon me, all the while, silencing or completely ignoring my voice, becoming convinced that I had to do and be the one that every other voice wanted me to be...

So now as I think about giving myself permission for certain things, and as I try doing it, it is such a struggle because it is so new for me in these areas of my life... Giving myself permission doesn't seem allowed or okay, especially in relation to Ed... Arghhh! I have struggled to give myself permission in regards to my meal plan and in regards to just "being" rather than having to do and accomplish and achieve...

I don't intend for this post to be a sob story of relentless struggle and strain, but rather for it to be a recognition that it will take consistent perseverance and endurance to stand up for myself ~ to nourish myself ~ to take care of myself!

I'm not sure how many of you can relate to this, but I will bet that I'm not alone when I say that this whole concept of "giving permission to myself" is foreign to me... I'm going to be willing to keep fighting to take on the challenge of permitting myself to do things and to be who I've never before felt empowered to do or to be! Who's with me? Will you take on the challenge with me?

For all who are willing, let's take this challenge

ONE DAY AT A TIME
~
ONE STEP AT A TIME
~
ONE MOMENT FOR A TIME
~
ONE BITE AT A TIME!