Sunday, October 2, 2011

The pondering of this day... Hmmm...

There is a phrase I have heard three times over the past week... My therapist, dietitian, and pastor have all said the same thing... The words that make up this phrase are, "You (will) have to give yourself permission..." Because both my therapist and dietitian said these words directly to me this week, and because my pastor happened to say them in his sermon this morning, I am really trying to take them to heart and let them come to life for me...

When my dietitian told me this, she was talking to me about my meal plan [which I have really been struggling to follow]! When my therapist told me this, she was encouraging me to take some time to have a "mental-health-recovery-day" to do some things I'd enjoy because I have been super busy [and haven't done very well with taking care of myself]! When my pastor said this, he was encouraging all of us present in the service to dream BIGGER than we've ever dreamed before...

The whole idea of "giving myself permission" is rather foreign to me... I have spent most of my life enslaved to Ed's constant demands and pleas... I have spent most of my life pressured beneath the constant expectations I've felt like others have had for me which I've then fought tirelessly to attain... I have spent most of my life conforming to the countless commands I've believed were imposed upon me, all the while, silencing or completely ignoring my voice, becoming convinced that I had to do and be the one that every other voice wanted me to be...

So now as I think about giving myself permission for certain things, and as I try doing it, it is such a struggle because it is so new for me in these areas of my life... Giving myself permission doesn't seem allowed or okay, especially in relation to Ed... Arghhh! I have struggled to give myself permission in regards to my meal plan and in regards to just "being" rather than having to do and accomplish and achieve...

I don't intend for this post to be a sob story of relentless struggle and strain, but rather for it to be a recognition that it will take consistent perseverance and endurance to stand up for myself ~ to nourish myself ~ to take care of myself!

I'm not sure how many of you can relate to this, but I will bet that I'm not alone when I say that this whole concept of "giving permission to myself" is foreign to me... I'm going to be willing to keep fighting to take on the challenge of permitting myself to do things and to be who I've never before felt empowered to do or to be! Who's with me? Will you take on the challenge with me?

For all who are willing, let's take this challenge


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