Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Today’s ramblings... Some much needed venting...

As I was thinking earlier about the counseling appointment I have tomorrow, at first I was thinking that I wasn’t sure what all I would talk about... Just as that thought came, I realized how far I still have to go in this process and on this journey... To be honest, it is overwhelming to think about! Very overwhelming!

Currently, I am having to convince myself that it is okay to put around a thousand calories of nutrients into my body all spread out over the day... all in some liquid form... That is where I have been for almost four weeks, and I don’t see it changing very fast... It is easier to deal with drinking it all right now... The thought of getting to the place of real, solid food makes me want to run away and quit altogether, being terribly afraid of the day that I have to do that! Being on supplements makes it easier in social settings and in restaurants right now because I can just say that I am on a special meal plan, and I know my nutritionist is fine with the supplements because nutritionally, I am getting most everything I need to right now... My body can’t handle solids right now anyway... However, I know that my family and probably some other people in my life are not and will not be satisfied for me to be on liquid intake for much longer... But, I am NOT ready to taper off of it either... I can’t even imagine having to change anything when I go see my nutritionist in two days... I hope I don’t have to!

The anxiety builds up as I think about all that will have to take place for ED to really lose his power in my life... I know that I am standing up to him each time I choose to follow through with a round of my supplement intake each day, but there is still so much of his voice that I can’t drown out... I am on exercise restriction (especially not allowed to do cardio), but I have convinced my nutritionist to let me “stretch.” However, my stretching also includes around 250 crunches, 50 special pushups, 50 of another exercise, and 100 of another... I can also see that over the past two days, I have increased them some... Today, I walked to and from a coffee shop, and I plan on doing it again tomorrow and probably the next day... I am rationalizing it, but I don’t know if that is going against what I am allowed to do or not really... I tell myself that it isn’t, but I also know that deep inside of me, I am being compelled to do the toning and strengthening exercises... that it is pretty much another compulsion again... and that the walking to and from the coffee shop (totals to about a mile and a half) is headed in that direction too... I have been on the whole exercise side of extremes and having to do so much to justify the tiniest bit of intake... I kind of feel like I am playing with fire... I don’t want to deceive or manipulate anyone around me who is in my treatment team and trying to help me and support me, but it is soooooooooo hard not to justify these things right now...

I am continually repulsed by what I see when I look in a mirror. I am mortified by the reflection, and I am reminded that I don’t know how to love myself! I know well how to tear myself to shreds and to walk in self-hate... I have that one down - Oh too well! However, I know that is not what I need in order to keep walking down this road to recovery... I know it is vital for me to learn to love myself right where I am... I know that no matter how much smaller I have been or larger I have been, my perspective of me has rarely ever changed... steadily repulsed and disgusted by what I see... I know something is going to have to change, especially for me to start giving myself more than the current amount of intake... But, oh, I don’t even know how to start that...

When I think about why I hate me so much, what continually comes up is self-rejection... Then I am reminded of not being the “petite, blonde girl” that mom dreamed she would have and not being enough or valuable enough for my dad do stick around or choose me over alcohol... and then I think about being a middle school kid who was chubby and made fun of and who never really fit in... (No pun intended!)... and then I think about the abuse and being perfect and being accepted and respected and approved of... Oh, it is so intertwined...

It scares me to go deeper into those places... to excavate them further... But I also want so desperately to be free! To be whole! To be happy to LIVE and to BE in my own skin... I just want to scream as my teeth clench tight in frustration... AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I know that ED did not become a part of my life overnight nor did operating out of self-hate and rejection... It took a lifetime to form all of these horrid coping techniques and false comfort patterns... Why would I think that the things that have taken twenty-five and a half years to construct would be easily torn and broken down? I know that would be heinous, but doubt rises up that I will be able to really work through this process... So much still stuck sooooooooo deep within me... So far to go...

I want to keep my head up and not focus on how far I have to go... I know I need to focus on how far I have come in the past four weeks, but I am struggling to see that clearly right now...

And then I start to think about this weekend... This Friday and Saturday and my cousin’s graduation... all of the people and family I will have to see... the countless times I will be faced with events centered around food... how many times people will say things that trigger me... and just all of the unknowns about it... Anxiety builds within me...

Okay... STOP and PAUSE! I just need to get through today... I need to focus on my God and let His strength operate in me to finish today... ONE STEP AT A TIME AND ONE MOMENT AT A TIME... Pray and breathe... Pray and breathe...

(Written later: Reflection on exercise...)

I think I just realized why I am scared to (reveal and uncover and) give up the exercise... I am afraid that if I don't have that as an outlet, at least a little bit, then I will start purging... The shame of exercising a little is more easily covered up and disguised as good by the praise that ED gives that the purging is... Also, I feel like I have fewer consequences from exercising a little than I would have for purging... Especially since my nutritionist told me that purging WOULD cause me main more weight right now... And one more thing... I feel like the small amount (though it is increasing) of exercise is more acceptable than purging is in my books... and also for my team... I feel like I would be reprimanded more for purging than for exercising a little... But then there is still sooooooo much fear and hesitation that rises up as I think about needing to tell my team about the exercise... I don't want to... I don't want to be (1) found out and (2) lose it [for real or for longer]... I don't know what to do...

Choice for LIFE... Today's battles are in His hands...

Before I get started with today's post, I am reminded of what God spoke to my heart and spirit last night as I was crying out to Him as I was pressing on to finish the rounds of intake that I needed to finish. This is what He spoke to me when I felt overwhelmed and like I couldn't press on any more...

Daughter, when it seems like everything is fighting against you, know that I am fighting for you! When you don't feel like you can take one more step, reach out to Me, and I will help you. I will carry you if I have to! When you feel like all of your strength is gone, know that My STRENGTH never runs low! Keep your gaze fixed on Me, and you will see with a clear perspective. When you take your eyes off of Me and focus on the size and intensity of the battle, it opens a door for discouragement. Keep your eyes fixed on Me and walk in steadfast trust, and you will see what is POSSIBLE with Me!

That was just what I needed!

As I was finishing up my rounds of intake last night, I was watching the movie, "Facing the Giants." If you don't know anything about the movie, a short summary is that God receives the glory in various circumstances because the people in the movie who are facing different obstacles turn to Him in faith and choose to put Him first - at the center! At the end of the movie, this question is asked several times: "Tell me, what's impossible when you have God on your side?" Each time it is asked, the answer is, "NOTHING!"

What a great reminder! NOTHING is impossible when I have God on my side. With Him, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! I need to remember this vital TRUTH as I press on because there are many moments at which I feel I am confronted by and facing impossibilities, but my God makes the "im" disappear, and then I am faced with an array of possibilities!

In the movie, the "Giants" are a football team, but for me as I press on in this journey to RECOVERY, I am up against different "giants." Some of those are ED's voice, fear, doubt, self-hate, reluctancy, unknowns, and a myriad of others. However, the number of giants and the size of them are not important when I have God on my side - for who NOTHING is impossible!

I am reminded of the story of David and Goliath from the Bible. David was confident when He went up against Goliath because he knew that the battle belonged to the Lord. His certainty was in God; he knew that God would come through for him with the victory. That is an inspiration! I have the choice to view each battle on this journey in the same way. I can face each one confidently, knowing that the battle belongs to the Lord and thus does the victory, or I can cower in fear at the sight of the giant before me. It's easier to say this in a moment when I am not facing one my giants head on; it gets harder - yet all the more important - to make the choice to face each giant in confidence when I am in the heat of the battle (which I will be very soon!).

Today is a new day. Impossibilities will present themselves, but if I look at them through the lense of faith and confident trust in my Abba, they become endless possibilities to walk in victory and to give God the GLORY. That is a sure perspective-shifter (a much needed one as I choose to face today!).

As I walk through the journey of today, I will do my best to remember that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WHEN I HAVE GOD ON MY SIDE AND THAT GREATER IS HE WHO IS IN ME THAN THE VOICE AND POWER OF ED! I will face each battle and will be given endless possibilities to lean on and trust in my God - my Refuge!

Also, as I was finishing up my intake last night, God led me to Psalm 91. It is a beautiful passage of scripture that inspires HOPE and CONFIDENCE in my God! It says that He will keep me stable and safe under the shadow of His wings! It says that God is my Refuge, my Fortress, my God on whom I can lean and rely! It says that He will deliver me, that He will cover me with His wings, that He will provide His TRUTH and His faithfulness as a shield and buckler for me! It says that I don't have to be afraid because God will defend me and will preserve me in all of my ways because He is my dwelling place! It says that I shall tread upon the lion and the serpent! It says that because I have set my love upon Him, He will deliver me, He will set me on high! It says that He will never forsake me, that He will be with me in trouble, and that from that trouble, He will deliver me and honor me by giving me long life and showing me His salvation. What marvelous promises to hold onto and to stand on in this journey - in the midst of many battles! Wow! He is more than enough!

In 2 Thessalonians, Paul was encouraging the church of Thessalonica, and what is in the third chapter, the sixteenth verse, is what I also am going to claim and believe for as I press on today! "Now may the Lord of peace Himself grant you His peace (the peace of His kingdom) at ALL times and in ALL ways [under all circumstances and conditions, whatever comes]. The Lord [be] with you all." Having His peace is vital for me at many points of this process because anxiety and fear rise up and try to quench my strength to press on. The peace of God overrides the anxiety and fear. Therefore, I will welcome and believe for His peace throughout this journey!


There is a powerful challenge and charge brought forth in Job 22:21. "Acquaint now yourself with Him [agree with God and show yourself to be conformed to His will] and be at peace; by that [you shall prosper and great] good shall come to you." Having the peace of God and choosing to let it rule and reign in even the most intense and trying of circumstances is a vital part of prospering forward! Wow! It is God's will for us (for me and you) to walk in peace and to be at peace. In a world of chaos, rush, and confusion, it can be hard to put ourselves in agreement with peace, but it is a vital choice to make! I desire to prosper and to experience great good! I will press on in His strength! I will claim His peace!


I get to do so now as I rev up to face round one of intake for today. (Actually, I will get to do so many times today!) I will take today in stride, each round in stride, and I will lean on my Abba to walk with me throughout this day. I will claim peace, and I will view any impossibility that presents itself as a possibility for God to come through in His GLORY! I will speak truth when lies revolt! I will reach out and not act out! I will choose LIFE today!


(Written later)

I am facing my last round of intake, and I am struggling to even have the desire to press on and continue... I know deep down that I need to, but it seems IMPOSSIBLE! "God, I place this impossibility before you, and I trust that You will transform it into a possibility for VICTORY, one sip at a time."

I have almost a whole bottle of supplement left and part of my applesauce... I already did some extra crunches and exercises (that I know I shouldn't have done), but that didn't seem to help... "God, please forgive me for taking it into my own hands as to how I was going to fight... I am struggling to let go of exercise... I don't feel like I can... I do want and need Your help to get through tonight, so I don't act out anymore... Your STRENGTH in me... The battle before me is not mine; it's Yours... I trust You to help me fight in the moment! Rise up, Holy Spirit, in me in Jesus' name! I will claim and breathe in Your PEACE! Your peace that passes ALL understanding! I will offer up a sacrifice of praise as an evidence of my faith and trust in You! You, O God, are my REFUGE!"

Quotations... Small steps matter! LIFE matters!

Pay attention to the small stuff!

"We think that it's the big moments that define our lives - the wedding, the baby, the new house, the dream job. But really, these big moments of happiness are just the punctuation marks of our personal sagas. The narrative is written every day in the small, the simple, and the common. In your tiny choices, in these tiny changes. In the unconsidered. The overlooked. The discarded, the reclaimed."
~ Sarah Ban Breathnach

"Trust me, tiny choices - day in, day out - shape your destiny just as much as deciding to run away to be an elephant girl with the circus rather than turn fifty."
~ Sara Ban Breathnach

"True life is lived when tiny choices are made. Tiny choices mean tiny changes. But it is only with infinitesimal change, changes so small no one else even realizes you're making then, that you have any hope for transformation."
~ Leo Tolstoy

The small things matter! Little by little, it all adds up! Don't underestimate the value in tiny steps and changes; for they will lead you further than you've ever imagined going and bring you to a beautiful place of transformation!

Live life in bounty! In life Unrestricted!

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
~ Joseph Campbell

"You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live. Now."
~ Joan Baez

"The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible."
~ Vladimir Nabokov

I have the choice as to how I am going to live... The story that was is no longer. It is a new story with new chapters being written each day! I will choose to live in LIFE ABUNDANT, in LIFE BOUNTIFUL, in LIFE UNHINDERED, in LIFE UNRESTRICTED!

Monday, May 30, 2011

Choosing to LIVE... Choosing to face today... Choosing to let the TRUTH reign...

Miraculously I made it through last night! It was rough, but God came to my rescue!

I am grateful that today is a new day. However, I am also somewhat daunted by going through all of my rounds of intake after struggling so badly last night to finish well, but I will take today in stride... ONE STEP AT A TIME ~ ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!

I will do my best to cling to TRUTH today and to yield myself into my Abba's hands and to let Him fight for me... I must be reminded today (and everyday) that my life is worth fighting for... That I have been purposed to live and not die! The journey continues today... I will choose to press on and will not relent in this battle (no matter how hard it is!). As I press on in this journey to RECOVERY, I will see an exchange take place. I will receive beauty for ashes, the oil of gladness for mourning, a garment of praise in place of the heaviness. I will be freed from ED's cage...


On this journey, I can't even get started in a day without going to my Abba, and as I read my devotional for today, I was reminded of the importance of spending time with Him...

"Time with Me cannot be rushed. When you are in a hurry, your mind flitters back and forth between Me and the tasks ahead of you. Push back the demands pressing in on you; create a safe space around you, a haven in which you can rest with Me. I also desire this time of focused attention, and I use it to bless you, strengthening and equipping you for the day ahead. Thus, spending time with Me is a wise investment. Bring me the sacrifice of your precious time. This creates sacred space around you - space permeated with My Presence and My Peace."

My desire is that the apartment that I am living in would be a sanctuary for the presence and peace of God, and I believe that as I sit before Him in this place and invite Him in, more of His sweet presence and peace will permeate my habitation, and it will be a safe haven for me to continue pressing on in this journey. I believe that God will show up in His magnitude and glorious splendor wherever He is welcomed. My prayer: "God, I welcome You to come and to fill this home. I invite You to flow with an outpouring of Your presence and a special anointing of Your peace. I desire fr this place to be a sacred and safe haven where You are continuously welcome. Come, Holy Spirit, and be poured out in me and around me, in Jesus' name!"

Psalm 119:27 says, "Make me understand the way of Your precepts; so shall I meditate on and talk of Your wondrous works." In order for me to understand and know the precepts and ways of the Lord, it is pertinent that I spend time with Him. To be honest, I wouldn't wish for such a difficult season of life right now, but I trust and believe hat God will carry me through one step at a time, and that through this journey, I will come to know Him more, and though I will never fully understand His ways, I believe that I will come to see the value and purpose of the various struggles and trials that I have walked through in my life. He promises to work all of them for GOOD - for my good and for His GLORY!

Such a beautiful promise is found in 2 Chronicles 16:9, "For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth to show Himself strong in behalf of those whose hearts are blameless toward Him..." Wow! As I read this verse, I was reminded of a prayer that a friend of mine prayed over me a couple of months ago... During the prayer, she said that God looked on me and called me blameless. When she share this with me, I didn't understand, because I felt everything BUT blameless! How could God see me that way? Then as she prayed, she said several times, "You are covered in the blood. The blood is enough." Though I felt and still do feel the furthest away from the definition of blameless, it is how God sees me - because when He sees me, He doesn't see my sin and all of my mistakes; He sees me covered in the blood - saved, ransomed, and redeemed through the priceless gift of salvation! Wow! His eyes run to and fro, relentlessly pursuing me and not giving up on me! The same goes for His other children...

Some may think it is heretical for me to say that I am blameless, especially since I am in the throes of fighting ED, but God says that my sins have been separated as far as the East is from the West, and that He remembers my sins NO MORE! He says that I have been made the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. So, you can call me a heretic, or you can call me a radical believer who is claiming and trying to receive what God's Word really says! No, not everything I do can be considered blameless, but who I now am in Christ is! Will you dare to believe that the blood is enough for you?

I will fail, and I will falter, but I must choose to be okay with that. I can't demand or expect perfection as I continue to persevere on this journey to RECOVERY. However, I can be assured that the perfect One is walking with me. The One who walks with Me flows with perfect STRENGTH, perfect PEACE, and perfect LOVE because He is all of those things! I will press on today in this pursuit of LIFE with Him walking alongside me. I will take today in stride...


"Those who live passionately teach us how to love.
Those who love passionately teach us how to live."
~Sarah Ban Breathnach

(Written later)

So far today has gone pretty well. I have felt much better (physically) which is good, but that also means I have more intake to fit in than I had to over the past week. Because I am still having to take each round in so slowly, my schedule is way out of whack, and I feel like I am constantly in a round of intake... That is frustrating! I feel like I'm always having to sip on something... I know my body and brain need the nourishment, but is is HARD. I know it is also important to get my supplement in so that my body and organs can function normally again... I know I still have a while at this stage of intake (with some possible, slight modifications), but it is also a reminder of how long the journey is that is ahead of me...

I really don't want to complain about it, but it is a difficult process right now...

Each time I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or get plastered in front of it, staring at the reflection, ED is tearing me to shreds, and the process intensifies...

"O God, teach me how to love me! I need to learn desperately! Help me to see what You see when You look at me!"

Nonetheless, I will press on in the journey of today and face the fourth round of intake. I will try to let the TRUTH override the lies tonight as I press on! ONE MOMENT AND SIP AT A TIME!

Deep within, I want to OVERCOME and live life FREE from ED. I know it takes many times of shutting him out and doing what my body really needs me to in order to shut down his voice and decrease its volume. That's what I will choose to do in the moment even though it is not what feels good!


(Written later)

I still have a round and a half to go, and it is late... It will only be POSSIBLE if God's STRENGTH rises up on the inside of me! I will continue to declare in boldness: HE WHO IS IN ME IS GREATER THAN THE VOICE AND POWER OF ED!

This journey has seemed to intensify tenfold over this past week and twenty-fold over the past two days! Which means that it is vital that the tenacity and will to live and fight multiply as well, so I can press on in this journey to RECOVERY and in this pursuit of LIFE! I can't back down... It is time to rise up! I will say:

I'm self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency! Christ in me = my HOPE of GLORY!

(From my Abba to me as I was facing my last rounds and crying out to Him...)

Daughter, when it seems like everything is fighting against you, know that I am fighting for you! When you don't feel like you can take one more step, reach out to Me, and I will help you. I will carry you if I have to! When you feel like all of your strength is gone, know that My STRENGTH never runs low! Keep your gaze fixed on Me, and you will see with a clear perspective. When you take your eyes off of Me and focus on the size and intensity of the battle, it opens a door for discouragement. Keep your eyes fixed on Me and walk in steadfast trust, and you will see what is POSSIBLE with Me!

Sunday, May 29, 2011

A rough night... But in the end, a VICTORIOUS night!

"You have to choose to be your own best friend or you'll
continue to be your own worst enemy!"

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." -Oscar Wilde

After reading the two quotations above, some deeper things were touched within me.

The struggle to love me for me presses on... I am not pleased with what I see, but I know that I was never pleased or content with what I saw when I was thinner or even bigger... I know I need to learn to love me for me, and to be honest, I don't know what that process really looks like... I don't even really know how to start... That hits something deeper in me... Something that will take some excavating to work through... It actually scares me to even think about going there... OUCH!

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best - night and day - to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and NEVER stop fighting!"

(Written later)

Well, I am facing round five for the first time in almost one week since I haven't been feeling very well... To be honest, everything is fighting against me as I start this round of intake. ED is screaming, and I feel so "full"... However, I know I need to press on with this round, especially to get myself back on track... But, I just keep feeling like I've taken in too much... like I've ballooned... I know that really isn't true, but that is how I feel... It's in moments like this that it is just seems too overwhelming to press on... I want to press on though to secure the VICTORY for today... It has been a good day, and I don't want to ruin it now by ending badly...

A rebuttal of the truth... It is okay to give my body nutrients! I have been purposed to live and not die! I don't have to earn the right to live because LIFE is a give extended to me by my heavenly Father... I am allowed to give my body and brain nourishment. I am not a slave to ED... I have the freedom to choose... And I will choose LIFE - in this very moment... I won't succumb to ED - NO! I will press on! I won't give up! One sip at a time... I will take it in stride!

The Struggle
By: Kim Hembry ©
May 29, 2011

The pressure builds up.
My heart starts to pound.
Shortness of breath.

Fear closes in.
My teeth are clenched.
Can't seem to budge.

Anxiety builds.
My body is tense.
Lies resound.

Don't want to give up.
Don't want to succumb.
To ED's voice.

In need of strength.
Show me the light.
The battle's intense.

I won't give up.
I'll press on.
I'll take a sip.

Here goes...

Tears well up inside of me as I press on tonight... It's so hard... I want to break free from the emotions rising up in me... "Pray and breathe," the simple advice of a friend runs through my mind... "God, Your STRENGTH in me... Rise up in power."

I hear the Lord say, "My child, it's My delight to fight for you. Breathe in My peace. Reach out for My hand. You're not alone. I'm right here with you. We can do this. Little by little, sweet child. I'm rooting for you!"

Inspirational song lyrics... I will make it... ONE STEP AT A TIME!

“One More”

It feels like I have lost this fight
They think that I am staying down
But I'm not giving up tonight
Tonight the wall is coming down
I am stronger than my fears
This is the mountain that I climb
Got 100 steps to go
Tonight I'll make it 99

One more
Go one more
Yeah, yeah
Don't stop now
Go one more
Yeah, yeah
One more

Go one more
Go one more
Yeah, yeah

I have everything to lose
By not getting up to fight
I might get used to giving up
So I am showing up tonight
I am my own enemy
The battle fought within my mind
If I can overcome step one
I can face the 99

A beautiful day of TRUTH... of INSPIRING HOPE... Week 4 continues...

Just a little warning, this is going to be a LONG post!

Today makes one week that I've been living in my apartment. It has been such a blessing to have my own space to work through this process... (Especially since I haven't felt well this week!) This week hasn't been as emotionally draining as the past few weeks, but I know that there will be much to work through and deal with as I continue on in this journey - on this road to RECOVERY...

This morning, I feel huge, and the thought of putting anything in my body seems IMPOSSIBLE... I know that I have to respond to the voice of TRUTH that says that it is okay and that I am allowed to give my body nutrients and nourishment, and that I can't let my feelings and judgments against myself override the TRUTH... It is a struggle to hush ED's voice or to ignore it, but i know I have to in order to choose LIFE today - in the moment!

A very timely and appropriate word of encouragement and hope comes in the form of my devotional for today...

"I am with you, watching over you constantly. I am Emmanuel (God with you); My Presence enfolds you in radiant LOVE. NOTHING, including the brightest blessings and the darkest trials, can separate you from Me. Some of my children find Me more readily during dark times, when difficulties force them to depend on Me. Others feel closer to Me when their lives are filled with good things. They respond with thanksgiving and praise, thus opening wide the door to My Presence. I know precisely what you need to draw nearer to Me. Go through each day looking for what I have prepared for you. Accept every event as My hand-tailored provision for your needs. When you view your life this way, the most reasonable response is to be thankful. Do not reject any of My gifts; find Me in EVERY situation."

For me it is such a comfort to know and be reminded that God is with me - ALWAYS! Truth be told, none of us would really choose a trial-filled life, but it is amidst the darkest hours and trials of my life where I seem to see the LIGHT of God piercing through most clearly... In this current season of my life, I feel like I have been able to know, in a way deeper than I have ever known before, that God is continually with me!

These past few weeks on this journey to RECOVERY have not been easy by any means, and there have been many steps that I have had to take on my own (meaning without the physical presence of support from those around me). However, even in some of the darkest and most difficult moments of these past three weeks, I have had an assurance that God was with me! He is with me - now and FOREVER!

No, it is not pleasant to be in a pit or to go through the tedious process of getting out of one, but I will choose to be grateful and thankful in the midst of such trials. It is in remembering what I can be grateful for that keeps me in a place of not giving up or completely losing HOPE. Sure, it can be hard to find things to be grateful for when we are on a very difficult road, but I believe it is vital to try! I have said numerous times over the past several years, "I will worship God in the storm, I will praise Him from the pit, in the turbulent waters... It doesn't matter... I've been made to worship Him... It builds a strength in me that is inexplicable." It is hard to praise Him when our circumstances and the situations of our lives are unclear and unpleasant, but for me, it seems to keep me grounded and reminds me that He is in CONTROL - even when it doesn't feel like He is! I believe that I will come out of this season of trials and intense struggle much closer to God as long as I keep my gaze fixed upon Him and don't turn from Him in bitterness... He is the only One that is CONSTANT in my life right now... Actually - He will always be the only One who is CONSTANT! Even in the storms of life and the outpouring of tears, I will REJOICE!

What is laid our in Colossians 2:7 is what I long for... "Have the roots [of your being] firmly and deeply planted [in Him, fixed and founded in Him], being continually built up in Him, becoming increasingly more confirmed and established in the faith, just as you were taught, and abounding and overflowing in it with thanksgiving." I believe that it is my choice to let this verse become more of a reality each day in my life as I yield to God in this process and journey to RECOVERY ~ praising Him even when it hurts! Being "built up in Him" is the only way I am able to keep pressing on in this journey. Being "built up in Him" is how I face each round of intake and respect the guidelines of my treatment team... It isn't easy, and oftentimes my body and mind rise in rebuttal with screams of rebellion, but He - God - builds me up to press on... No, I don't walk perfectly, and I am trying to be okay with that, but that is also a part of this process... I will press on!


Yesterday I was able to get through and finish four and a half rounds of intake, so I will see how today goes as I get started. I will take it in stride...

(Written later)

As I finished up round one for the day, it was time for me to go to church. It was my first time to visit the church I went to today, but I believe it was destiny that I walked through the doors of Covenant Family today...

The following words are lyrics of the bridge and chorus from a worship song we sang this morning:

I will remain confident in this -
I will see the goodness of the Lord.
We will set our hope on You.
We will set our hope on Your love.
We will set our hope on the One -
Who is the everlasting God.
You are the everlasting God.
You are everlasting.

Wow! Those words were PERFECT for me today! They are sooooooooo TRUE! It is God in whom my HOPE rests!

There is a lovely promise in Jeremiah 29:13-14a. "Then you will seek Me, inquire Me with all your heart. I will be found in you, says the Lord, and I will release you from captivity..." What a BEAUTIFUL promise! I will see Him, and I WILL find Him! That's such AWESOME HOPE to encourage me to press on in this journey!

The message today was also destined to fall upon my ears... The theme: LOVING YOURSELF WHILE GOING THROUGH DIFFICULTIES... Really? You have to be kidding me! Nope, it was just what I needed to hear! The pastor shared five things that were important regarding loving ourselves while going through difficulties. (My sermon notes are below.)

1. Every one of us makes mistakes!
>There are no perfect people!
>How you come out of the mistake is POWERFUL!

2. Learn how to bounce back from difficult times!
>How you bounce back will determine your future - what's ahead!
>Relationships are key to you bouncing back from difficult times ~
good, healthy relationships... You need a sounding board and some encouragement!
*It's easy to glorify God in the good times, but will you glorify Him in the bad times?

3. Learn how to laugh at yourself!
>Put your best foot forward when you are bouncing back.

4. Learn to be happy with where you are!
>Where you are now is a result of actions in the past that have brought you here.
>If you don't like where you are right now (if you aren't happy or content with it), do things differently than you did to bring yourself to this place.
>Do the best from where you are... Take the steps you need to take now...

5. God can take ANY situation and turn it around for the GOOD!

(A few other notes:)

>In order to love yourself in the midst of difficult times, it will require a paradigm shift in your mind! Replace lies with TRUTH!


Philippians 4:8-9
[The Message]
"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into His most excellent harmonies."

What a beautiful set of TRUTH these two verse are! I will press on because He promises to work me into HIS MOST EXCELLENT HARMONIES! His harmony will come as I let Him orchestrate this journey...


Him in me = my HOPE!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

A couple of quotations to inspire me to press on in the journey...

"Endure... Go through the darkness and come out the other side. When you think you can't stand another minute of this, know that you can. When you think you won't make it through another day, know that you will. When you can't take another moment of the pain and the fear and the feelings of hopelessness, take another moment anyway. Endure the heartache and come out heartstrong. Endure the tremors and the grief and the isolation and come out sturdy and robust and ready for another round. Like a diamond in the making, endure the heat and the pressure of what seems like eternity, and emerge with a new brilliance and clarity. When you think you've come to your end, dig deep and endure."

~ Rachel Snyder

"How do you make it through? You take it one day at a time. You face your fears. You keep your promises. You deal directly with your challenges. You get the best possible help and care. You turn to caring, positive people you know will be there for you.

You believe. You take steps to change what needs changing. You talk it over. You laugh. You go ahead and cry. You pray. You stay involved. You live the best life you can today. And when tomorrow comes, you do it all over again.

You hang in there. You hold on tight to your hope. You never let go. You know, deep down inside, what a special person you are. And no matter what comes along, you never forget it. You stay strong. You keep the faith. And you make room for the brighter day that, someday soon, is going to shine so much serenity back into your life."

~ Anna Tafoya

Day 2... Week 4... I will have no regrets...

Yesterday I was able to get in four rounds of intake... That's a half a round more than the two days prior. Even through it wasn't the full amount of intake that I was supposed to have, I will choose to see yesterday as a VICTORY because I pressed on and didn't quit or give up!

Today is a new day, and I though ED's voice was beckoning loudly last night, I will choose to keep pressing on in this journey to RECOVERY. I'm not sure what all today will hold or how my body will respond, but I will take today in stride... ONE STEP AT A TIME ~ ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!

There are several things fighting against me this morning as I long to choose LIFE, so I need to let God build up His great STRENGTH once again, so I can continue on in this process. Today makes day two of week four... Truly, I can't believe it! I will press on!

I am again reminded of the importance of being in and remaining in the Presence of the Lord...

"Let Me anoint you with My Presence. I am King of kings an Lord of lords, dwelling in unapproachable light. When you draw near to Me, I respond by coming closer to you. As My Presence envelops you, you may feel overwhelmed by My Power and Glory. This is a form of worship: sensing your smallness in comparison to My GREATNESS. Man has tended to make himself the measure of all things, but man's measure is too tiny to comprehend my majestic vastness. That is why most people do not see Me at all, even though they live and move and have their being in Me. Enjoy the radiant beauty of My Presence. Declare My glorious Being to the World!"

The magnitude of the Power and Presence of God are what sustain, strengthen, and propel me to press on in this journey. The Promise that He is with me and that He will NEVER leave or forsake me is what gives me HOPE and enables me to trust Him more... I desire to "Declare His glorious Being to the world!" It is in letting Him heal, transform, and change me from the inside out that will enable me to do this...

I love the promise from James 4:8a, "Come close to God, and He WILL come close to you..." That is simple enough, right? Choose to move in closer to God, and He will do the same! Wow! It also still amazes me that He longs for such closeness and intimacy with each of His children, but He won't force it on any of us! He leaves the ball in our court...

Another thing that comes to mind as I read this promise again is how baffling it is that when we pull away from God, He doesn't pull away further from us. He remains, and He waits until we come back to Him. He doesn't stop pursuing us, but He also respects our wishes and our boundaries (even though sometimes it would be easier if He just came in even when we are pushing Him away!).

The truth found in Acts 17:28 could not be any more relevant for me in this season of my life. "For in Him we live and move and have our being; as even some of your [own] poets have said, For we are also His offspring." The only reason I am alive today is because God has saved me, rescued me, and ransomed me from death! The only reason I can choose to LIVE is because He illuminated my mind with LIGHT and birthed a renewed desire and will to LIVE within me! The only way I was able to start this journey to RECOVERY this time around was because He intervened on my behalf. The only way I am able to face each round of intake at this point in the process in by HIS STRENGTH... HE IS THE REASON I AM ALIVE! HE IS THE REASON I CHOOSE LIFE!


Time to let His STRENGTH operate in and through me as I face round one for today... I will speak TRUTH and take it in stride!

(written later)

Round one has been completed, and my body is taking it a little better today that the past few days, but I will have to take each round in very slowly...

I just had a good visit with a friend who has chosen to be
a part of my RECOVERY team in the form of mentoring, support, and accountability. It was a blessing to spend some time with her and to be encouraged to press on even though it is very hard right now. I am grateful God has brought her into my life and that she is willing to walk alongside me in this journey! She helped to remind me that even though I have not gotten in all five rounds of intake over the last several days, I was still making progress as I chose to do what was opposite to that which ED's voice was speaking... When all of the pain never let up, I didn't want to take another sip, but I still chose to give my body and my brain nutrients... I guess this is just part of the process this time around...

I will continue to take today in stride as I lead up to facing another round of intake soon. I won't be overwhelmed by the process or the journey. I will press on in this pursuit of LIFE...


(Written later)

I seem to be getting through today better than I have been... I am currently facing the fourth round of intake for the day, and I will take it in stride. My goal is to get in four and a half rounds today if my body will let me, but only time will tell... As I hit roadblocks, I am trying not to give a place for ED's voice to overtake me, but the battle is intense right now!

I will remember the value in even the smallest of steps taken forward in this journey, and I won't overlook the value even in the setbacks... I will learn from them and be better equipped for the steps ahead of me!

Friday, May 27, 2011

A poem I wrote as ED's voice was beckoning...

ED's Voice Beckons...
By: Kim Hembry ©
May 27, 2011

Struggling to press on in the pursuit of LIFE -
When the battle still rages on the inside.

I know I've made progress and am moving ahead,
But with each glimpse of me, I'm filled with such dread.

I know it's important for me to press on,
But I'm scared for ED to really be gone...

Though he speaks lies, demanding of me -
He still brings forth some twisted security.

A part of me wants to respond to his plea,
And the other part is desperate to be FREE.

It's now up to me to make the choice -
The TRUTH is it's too costly to respond to his voice.

3 Weeks down... Day 1 of week 4... The POWER of CHOICE!

It's a new day as I continue this journey to RECOVERY. Today marks the first day of the fourth week into RECOVERY... Three weeks down and a lifetime to go. (At least that is what it seems like!) But I will take this process and journey in stride!


The past two days I have only been able to get in three and a half rounds (out of five) because I have not been feeling well this week. I feel like those two days have been setbacks and failures, but I am trying to remember that I cannot expect or demand perfection on this journey.

I will remember that today is a new day with a clean slate... It will be filled with its own array of victories and struggles... In this moment, it is important for me to shift my focus from what I haven't been able to accomplish to what I have been able to accomplish in spite of uncomfortable and unpleasant circumstances. I cannot focus on the lack of success but rather on the successful steps! This journey is not going to be identical each day because I am changing each day as I continue to choose LIFE! It is important for me to be patient with the process, with my body, and with myself as I press on each day.

I am reminded of a quotation that a friend told me. "They say she's going backwards. Indeed she is; she's getting ready to take a BIG leap forward." That is how I need to view the setbacks that I experience on this journey - as opportunities to propel me and catapult me forward - as I get up and choose to keep fighting! "Success is not measured in never falling, but in rising each time you fall!" Today is a new day! I will press on and choose LIFE! ONE STEP AT A TIME ~ ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!

My devotional for today reminds me that what I've already shared about perspective for the day comes down to my mind - what is permitted to rule and reign there!

"Seek My face at the beginning of your day. This practice enables you to "put Me on" and "wear Me" throughout the day. Most people put on clothes soon after arising from bed. Similarly, the sooner you "put Me on" by communicating with Me, the better prepared you are for whatever comes your way. To "wear Me" is essentially to have My mind: to think My thoughts. Ask the Holy Spirit to control your thinking; be transformed by this renewal within you. Thus you are well equipped to face whatever people and situations I bring your way. Clothing your mind in Me is your best preparation for each day. This discipline brings JOY and PEACE to you and those around you."

How true this is for anyone walking on the journey to RECOVERY from ED because our minds are where the struggle and bondage of the disease are initiated. It is also where change must take place in order for FREEDOM to come. Part of "putting Christ on" in my mind is choosing TRUTH - replacing the lies of ED with the TRUTH! It is a continual process, but a VITAL ONE! As TRUTH is given territory in our minds and responded to over the lies, one step at a time, change occurs, and RECOVERY becomes a choice. LIFE becomes a choice! I want to "put Christ on" each day, and I need to "put Him on" numerous times in one day, in order to press on in this this journey!

Psalm 27:8 reminds me that really my LIFE depends on the Lord. He chose to give me life, and time and time again, He has chosen to save and rescue my life. I cannot think that I can do each day on my own! Rather, it is in Him - only in Him - that I can truly choose LIFE! "You have said, Seek My face [inquire for and require My presence as your vital need]. My heart says to You, Your face (Your presence), Lord, will I seek, inquire for and require [of necessity and on the authority of Your Word]." For me, this verse rings true to my need. It is only God who breathes HOPE into me to press on in this journey when I find myself alone. He is a vital necessity for me to be able to choose LIFE! I want to long for His presence
and His Word more than I do right now... He is a vital need for me on this journey!

Romans 13:14 reminds me of the power for good or for bad that our minds possess. "But clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah), and make no provision for [indulging] the flesh (put a stop to thinking about the evil cravings of your physical nature] to [gratify its] desires (lusts)." To clothe myself with Christ (for me) means to clothe myself with TRUTH, with LIGHT, and with LIFE! All three of these things are in juxtaposition to what ED tries to clothe me with - LIES, DARKNESS, and DEATH. Wow! I've never seen this so plainly before! Listening to TRUTH leads to FREEDOM and LIFE! Listening to LIES leads to BONDAGE and DEATH!
One of the most valuable steps in RECOVERY is recognizing that we have the power of CHOICE! ED has been demanding, and we've been conforming for years (or maybe our whole life!), and we completely lose awareness of choice, but as clarity is brought in during some of the first steps to RECOVERY (i.e. restoring nutrients in our bodies), awareness of CHOICE starts to come... I am being continually reminded that I have the daily - hourly - moment~by~moment - choice to CHOOSE LIFE!

For me it is becoming more empowering to choose LIFE each day (by the power and strength of God on the inside of me!). I have felt so empowered in the past by being able to deny myself food when others were gorging themselves with it or when I could get by with eating what I wanted and then get rid of it all, and the list continues... But I was deceived then... Now, I am learning that it is more empowering to choose LIFE - to want to LIVE!

I will choose LIFE as I face round one of intake for today!

(Written later)

Round one has been completed, and though my body is fighting against it, I will not become discouraged, but I will exercise patience with my body. I will keep pressing on today in the supernatural STRENGTH of my Abba. I will not demand perfection, but I will take each following round in stride and do my best to choose RECOVERY today!


(Written later)

Round two is almost complete... I am doing a little better today... I will remind myself...


Thursday, May 26, 2011

Poem I wrote today to renew my perspective...

Recovery is...
By: Kim Hembry ©
May 26, 2011

Recovery is a choice to recognize
The lies that have prescribed one’s life.
It is a decision to silence them
To omit their power
It is a decision to replace them
With a Truth-
So much higher...

Recovery is a chance to walk in the light
To leave the all-encompassing darkness behind.
It is a chance to see
A chance to think
A chance to be-
Without ED’s voice beckoning...

Recovery is not the same for you as for me
Not one fashioned path for everybody.
It is unique in design
It has twists, turns-
It winds.

It is worth walking...

Recovery is offered to all
But not all hear the call.
Some fade away
Some choose to stay
I will choose LIFE today...

Recovery is an opportunity to live
To learn how to trust and forgive.
To trust in yourself
To trust in others
But above all-
In God, the one who LOVES and who Is!

Recovery opens up a tank of emotions
Sometimes a lot of commotion.
Tears pour out
There’s fear and there’s doubt
Healing is what it’s about.

Along with emotions of pain
Come feelings of joy and of praise.
Laughter is expressed
Smiles are shared
You’ll press on-
Even when you’re scared.

Recovery restores the freedom of choice
It gives back your voice.
You learn to hear
And to be heard
You’ll soon see-
ED doesn’t get the final word.

Recovery is not easy or pain free
It is a season of persevering.
In the midst of hurt
Of unknowns, of weakness
You’ll learn what it means-

Recovery is not faced alone
My biggest supporter is God up above.
I’m amazed that He saved me
That He sustains me
That He
Each day-
Is choosing to free me!

He reached down to lend His hand
Even after I had turned away and ran.
He pours out His love
He covers me with peace
He reminds me-
That there is VICTORY!

He reveals the lies that compete in my mind
He speaks TRUTH with a voice soft and kind.
He inspires with HOPE
He beckons in LOVE
In Him-
I’m learning to LIVE!

Recovery is letting Him in
Receiving forgiveness for sin.
It’s accepting a gift
When you feel worthless
It’s exchanging guilt-
For a love that’s PRICELESS.

Recovery is my choice
To rediscover my voice.
To learn what I like
To learn who I am
To truly see-
My purpose, His plan.

He opens my eyes
And frees me from disguise.
Masks fade away
Facades crack and fall
So who I am can be discovered-
Once and for all!

Recovery looks different each day
With triumphs and failures along the way.
It is the decision to press on
In the face of despair
To choose to value and to take care of
A precious life-
That He has spared.

There are many steps to be taken
Many strides to make.
I will say, “Yes”
I will speak Truth
And silence the lies.

Today makes week 3... In need of SUSTAINING!

Wow... I am already behind today, and I haven't even started my rounds of intake yet...

I have not been feeling well over the past four days or so, and yesterday I wasn't able to finish all five rounds of intake. I only finished three and a half... That frustrates me, but then I know that I did try! My body just isn't cooperating well... With every sip yesterday, I seemed to feel worse...

This morning I already don't feel very well, and that makes starting so much harder. I contacted my nutritionist yesterday, so maybe she will have some advice for me today... I don't know... All I feel like doing today is curling up in a ball... I am experiencing such cramping and stomach pain and feel so inflated... However, I know I need to try and face the first round for today (even though it is late and I am already off schedule!). No one ever said this process was pain free; I just didn't remember it being so painful in the past. If you knew me, you would know that I have a very HIGH pain tolerance, and I rarely if ever show pain...

I am in need - in DESPERATE need - of some encouragement to press on today!

This a beautiful and much needed promise for today. "I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]" (John 16:33) I have to admit that in the present moment, it is hard for me to be of good cheer, but i will choose joy and believe that its manifestation will come! My heart is comforted, however, to know that God sees where I am and encourages me by reminding me that the evils of this world have been overcome, thus making me victorious. The ultimate victory won't be experienced until I am on the other side of heaven, but it gives me hope to press on today - even though it will be very difficult!

Today I surely can't trust in my own strength to carry me through. Only the SUPERNATURAL ~ ALL-SURPASSING STRENGTH of the Lord will overcome the obstacles and the weakness of this day.

I am reminded of the incomprehensible magnitude of God as I read from Revelation 22:13, "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last (the Before all and the End of all)." He has seen the end since before the beginning because He is ever-present!

I will fix my eyes upon Him as I start out this day, knowing that He see what is on the other side of this battle. I won't depend on myself to make it through today, but I will depend on Him. As the lies rage, I will declare TRUTH. As my body fights, I will declare PEACE and HEALING. I will not be defeated by the incomplete day of yesterday, but I will believe that the mercies of God are new for me today, and I will take today in stride!

(Written later)

It is after noon, and I am still on Round one for the day... I am trying not to be discouraged, but I am feeling pretty discouraged in the moment!

Some encouragement from a friend is helping me to press on... "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." (James 1:2-4, MSG) God is by our side and uses our trials and triumphs for the GOOD... Doesn't mean that all we go through is pleasant by any means. Your body is going to take a lot of time to heal and to catch up. Your days will not be perfect, nor should you demand perfection; for we will always fall short. Today is different than yesterday because you have learned things yesterday that you didn't know before. You took steps yesterday that helped you build onto today's steps. You are more wise than you were yesterday. You have another day of RECOVERY under your belt. God is even more a part of your life than He was yesterday because I believe that each day we seek God, we invite Him into our hearts closer and closer. I am rooting for you girl! I believe in you so much!

These words are very encouraging for me right now, and I am grateful for the inspiring words and TRUTH from a friend to help me to keep my head up today! I will press on, and I won't expect perfection! I will do my best today, and I WON'T GIVE UP!

It is a true test of faith to walk in gratitude when we are facing trials and tribulation, but there is something about keeping our hearts in a position of gratitude and thankfulness that keeps us grounded and focused on the HIGHER things... For me, to thank God in the midst of pain and suffering continues to humble me. It reminds me that He is all-powerful and that He is in control, even when I don't understand! What really stands out to me from these verses is when it says that we shouldn't try to get out of anything prematurely... It is not fun to walk through the difficult seasons of life, but we aren't supposed to run away from them either! We are supposed to keep our gaze fixed upon God - the Author and Finisher of our faith!

There is a set of verses in Isaiah 43 that say, "Fear not. For I have redeemed you; I have called you by name. You are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned." These verses remind me that God never promised that the storms and waves of life would not come crashing down all around us, but He did promise to be WITH us. He never said we wouldn't walk through the fires of life, but He did say that we would not be burned! Through each of the unpleasant seasons of our lives, He remains faithful to sustain us as we look to Him and trust Him. I believe that thanking Him in the midst of these hardships winds up being more for us than for Him. It helps us to remain HOPEFUL! It helps us to keep FIGHTING! To keep PRESSING ON!

(Written later)

I am finally on round two of intake today... I will take this one in stride and finish what I can today! ONE STEP AT A TIME ~ ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!

(Written later)

It's 6:15PM, and I am finally starting round three for the day... I am not too sure if I will be able to get another round in today... I will have to see how this one goes... I'M ALLOWED TO GIVE MY BODY NOURISHMENT... I'M ALLOWED TO NOURISH MY BRAIN... ONE STEP AT A TIME... ONE SIP AT A TIME... ONE MOMENT AT A TIME! I speak peace to my body in the name of Jesus. I speak peace to my mind in Jesus' name. I AM SELF-SUFFICIENT IN CHRIST'S SUFFICIENCY! PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION... LIFE! LIFE! RECOVERY! FREEDOM! HIS STRENGTH NOT MY OWN!