Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Sometimes it's really hard... But HE makes it POSSIBLE!

As I wake up to face today, I think about the information I received yesterday... In some ways it doesn't seem real, but then I know it is, and I don't need to try and deny it, but I need to let it fuel the fight within me to stand up for my LIFE and to choose RECOVERY!

I suddenly feel overwhelmed to think about only having two more days at the current intake level, and that once I meet with my nutritionist tomorrow, it will change and likely increase! That scares me! I know that it is vital for my body to get more nutrients, so it can be built back up... It is just a hard process!

I feel tired before I even start out today. I tossed and turned for several hours last night. I am going to rest for part of the day... But the voice of ED pipes up and says that I must be active and earn the right to eat (or rather drink) my supplements... Yet, I'm not really allowed to exercise yet!

I know that He who lives within me is greater than anything that comes against me, but it surely doesn't feel that way right now... Yet, I will choose to run to the One who is my Rock, my Mighty Fortress, my Strength, and my Portion FOREVER! Only he can carry me through today!

"God, I place myself in Your hands this morning because I need You to hold me close - to hold me near to Your heart - to comfort me and lavish Your love on me and to carry me through the first round of today - and later through the other rounds. I will choose to say - Though my heart and flesh may fail - You are my God - My STRENGTH - my PORTION FOREVER!"

"Jesus Calling" for today confirms my prayer and the cry of my heart this morning:

"Come to Me with your plans held in abeyance. Worship Me in spirit and in truth, allowing My glory to permeate your entire being. Trust Me enough to let Me guide you through this day, accomplishing My purposes in My timing. Subordinate you myriad plans to My Master Plan. I am sovereign over every aspect of your life! The challenge continually before you is to trust Me and search for My way through each day. Do not blindly follow your habitual route, or you will miss what I have prepared for you. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts."

I desire His plan, His way, but it is so easy to try and figure it all out... "God, help me to trust You to lay out today - each step - each moment! I don't want to miss You!"


"God is a Spirit (a spiritual Being) and those who worship Him must worship Him in spirit and in truth (reality)."
John 4:24

I remember when God took me to this passage when I went back to Guatemala and spoke to the your about this very thing... To worship God in spirit and in truth (reality) means that we worship Him from a yielded and humbled position in our hearts, and also we worship Him by permitting that our heart's posture affect our daily lives - Inward worship and outward worship driven by a yielded heart in recognition and praise of Who He is!

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9

In this process and journey to RECOVERY, things have take form differently that the "norm," but I really believe God is at the center of this process to deeper healing and FREEDOM! I desire a long-term RECOVERY and not a quick fix that only leaves me floundering to figure it out on my own. I believe that the journey that is being laid out before me and the team built up around me are God's way of really taking the time to teach me and show me HOW TO LIVE! That as I daily choose to LIVE and yield to Him in this process - He is equipping me to LIVE in LIFE ABUNDANT!

I will not focus on the limitations and intimidating factors that rise up all around me, but I will fix my gaze on the Author and Finisher of my faith, and I will trust that He will complete the work He has begun until the day of Christ Jesus!

... time to face round one... In HIM!

(written later)

Well, I made it through round one and am revving up for round two. I will keep my eyes fixed on my ROCK! He upholds me and sustains me at each point on this journey! I will declare and speak peace over my mind and body in Jesus' name!

My body seems to be reacting a bit oddly to my new meds, but I will relax and take the transition in stride...



Well, I am now nearing round four for the day, and it will only be by the STRENGTH of God in me that I make it through today. His STRENGTH has had a lot of perfecting today - to say the least!

I'm at a loss for words right now and would like nothing more than to curl up in a ball and sleep for days on end and wake up with some of these difficult steps behind me... However, I know that is not reality, and the ball is in my court to choose LIFE each day - at each step - at every moment!

I struggle to choose LIFE today... I struggle to press on, but I WILL! I WILL FINISH TODAY VICTORIOUSLY!

Here's a little reminder to be patient with the process:

"It took a long time to develop this eating disorder, and I urge you to give yourself time to recover from it."

And a new mantra to hold onto:

The path to HEALING is worth the JOURNEY.
I will have NO REGRET.

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