“And the Lord said, My Presence shall go with you, and I will give you REST!” Exodus 33:14
“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls]. Take My yoke upon you and lean on me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest (relief and ease and refreshment and recreation and blessed quiet for your souls).” Matthew 11:28-29
I am excited about today - not necessarily about what all needs to go in me physically, but about what is taking place today!
One benefit of doing RECOVERY the way that I am is that I still have freedom to go and do the things that I want to (with some restrictions). Today I am meeting one of my friends, and we are spending the day at the art museums in Houston. I am excited to see her and catch up with her but also excited about doing something peaceful, relaxing, and to slightly distract me from this process...
I am currently on day seven of this road to RECOVERY - this path to FREEDOM... Round one is done for today, and I am choosing to be optimistic as I face each step along the way today! I am hoping that my body treats me well since I am not going to be near a bed today...
Also, I have an appointment next week to get all of my results back from the numerous tests and appointments from this week...
Written later...
Had an amazing time with my friend at the museums today! I made it through the first three rounds pretty well too...
I said I was going to be optimistic, but I am not sure exactly what is happening right now... I tried to start facing round four on my way home from Houston, but I could barely get any of it down... I felt so bloated and disgustingly huge... My body was all cramped up, and I felt so full...
Now I am at home, and I am struggling so bad... I can’t get myself to face the rest of round four and round five... I feel sooooooo very overwhelmed right now... I just wish I could do something to make myself feel like I’ve earned the right to take it in... I already did some light exercising (which I probably shouldn’t have done) and I want to do more... I feel sooooooooo fat - so repulsed by what I see! I wish I could see what God sees right now...
I don’t think I can finish today... I have already hit my knees and fell on my face weeping this evening as I have tried to work myself up to taking in the nutrients my body needs, but I just can’t seem to press through these emotions right now... The simple, practical truths about giving my body and brain nutrients don’t seem sufficient...
This is one of those moments when it doesn’t feel like I have the option to choose... I feel so overcome by ED... Today is day seven into this process, and I just seem to be crumbling at the moment...
I keep hearing the voice of the Lord say, “My child, not your strength, but My strength in you,” but I can’t seem to let it operate in me right now... I feel blocked and unable to fight!
And then I am afraid that I won’t be able to keep it down tonight... I haven’t struggled in that area all week... It has been miraculous how God has guarded me from purging the nutrients I have been able to give myself, but I guess the problem is that I am afraid to fail BIG TIME today... I know that if I don’t get the nutrients in me, I will fail, and if I get them in me and purge, I will fail... I feel so stuck right now...
I just talked to a friend, and she is coming over, so hopefully I can get rounds four and five down and keep them! But, what seems to come now is that I have pulled her away from her own family and inconvenienced her... Like she had to say, “Yes...”
I just need some support tonight... Deep down I want to choose life in this moment and finish the rounds for today, but I don’t feel like I can without some accountability tonight!
My friend and I played Scrabble and talked while she was over... I finished all of my intake for today... I am glad that it ended in VICTORY, but my body is in more pain tonight than it has been yet... I don’t understand why, but I am praying that I get some much needed rest!
I claim sweet sleep as I am the Lord’s beloved!
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