As I was thinking earlier about the counseling appointment I have tomorrow, at first I was thinking that I wasn’t sure what all I would talk about... Just as that thought came, I realized how far I still have to go in this process and on this journey... To be honest, it is overwhelming to think about! Very overwhelming!
Currently, I am having to convince myself that it is okay to put around a thousand calories of nutrients into my body all spread out over the day... all in some liquid form... That is where I have been for almost four weeks, and I don’t see it changing very fast... It is easier to deal with drinking it all right now... The thought of getting to the place of real, solid food makes me want to run away and quit altogether, being terribly afraid of the day that I have to do that! Being on supplements makes it easier in social settings and in restaurants right now because I can just say that I am on a special meal plan, and I know my nutritionist is fine with the supplements because nutritionally, I am getting most everything I need to right now... My body can’t handle solids right now anyway... However, I know that my family and probably some other people in my life are not and will not be satisfied for me to be on liquid intake for much longer... But, I am NOT ready to taper off of it either... I can’t even imagine having to change anything when I go see my nutritionist in two days... I hope I don’t have to!
The anxiety builds up as I think about all that will have to take place for ED to really lose his power in my life... I know that I am standing up to him each time I choose to follow through with a round of my supplement intake each day, but there is still so much of his voice that I can’t drown out... I am on exercise restriction (especially not allowed to do cardio), but I have convinced my nutritionist to let me “stretch.” However, my stretching also includes around 250 crunches, 50 special pushups, 50 of another exercise, and 100 of another... I can also see that over the past two days, I have increased them some... Today, I walked to and from a coffee shop, and I plan on doing it again tomorrow and probably the next day... I am rationalizing it, but I don’t know if that is going against what I am allowed to do or not really... I tell myself that it isn’t, but I also know that deep inside of me, I am being compelled to do the toning and strengthening exercises... that it is pretty much another compulsion again... and that the walking to and from the coffee shop (totals to about a mile and a half) is headed in that direction too... I have been on the whole exercise side of extremes and having to do so much to justify the tiniest bit of intake... I kind of feel like I am playing with fire... I don’t want to deceive or manipulate anyone around me who is in my treatment team and trying to help me and support me, but it is soooooooooo hard not to justify these things right now...
I am continually repulsed by what I see when I look in a mirror. I am mortified by the reflection, and I am reminded that I don’t know how to love myself! I know well how to tear myself to shreds and to walk in self-hate... I have that one down - Oh too well! However, I know that is not what I need in order to keep walking down this road to recovery... I know it is vital for me to learn to love myself right where I am... I know that no matter how much smaller I have been or larger I have been, my perspective of me has rarely ever changed... steadily repulsed and disgusted by what I see... I know something is going to have to change, especially for me to start giving myself more than the current amount of intake... But, oh, I don’t even know how to start that...
When I think about why I hate me so much, what continually comes up is self-rejection... Then I am reminded of not being the “petite, blonde girl” that mom dreamed she would have and not being enough or valuable enough for my dad do stick around or choose me over alcohol... and then I think about being a middle school kid who was chubby and made fun of and who never really fit in... (No pun intended!)... and then I think about the abuse and being perfect and being accepted and respected and approved of... Oh, it is so intertwined...
It scares me to go deeper into those places... to excavate them further... But I also want so desperately to be free! To be whole! To be happy to LIVE and to BE in my own skin... I just want to scream as my teeth clench tight in frustration... AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I know that ED did not become a part of my life overnight nor did operating out of self-hate and rejection... It took a lifetime to form all of these horrid coping techniques and false comfort patterns... Why would I think that the things that have taken twenty-five and a half years to construct would be easily torn and broken down? I know that would be heinous, but doubt rises up that I will be able to really work through this process... So much still stuck sooooooooo deep within me... So far to go...
I want to keep my head up and not focus on how far I have to go... I know I need to focus on how far I have come in the past four weeks, but I am struggling to see that clearly right now...
And then I start to think about this weekend... This Friday and Saturday and my cousin’s graduation... all of the people and family I will have to see... the countless times I will be faced with events centered around food... how many times people will say things that trigger me... and just all of the unknowns about it... Anxiety builds within me...
Okay... STOP and PAUSE! I just need to get through today... I need to focus on my God and let His strength operate in me to finish today... ONE STEP AT A TIME AND ONE MOMENT AT A TIME... Pray and breathe... Pray and breathe...
(Written later: Reflection on exercise...)
I think I just realized why I am scared to (reveal and uncover and) give up the exercise... I am afraid that if I don't have that as an outlet, at least a little bit, then I will start purging... The shame of exercising a little is more easily covered up and disguised as good by the praise that ED gives that the purging is... Also, I feel like I have fewer consequences from exercising a little than I would have for purging... Especially since my nutritionist told me that purging WOULD cause me main more weight right now... And one more thing... I feel like the small amount (though it is increasing) of exercise is more acceptable than purging is in my books... and also for my team... I feel like I would be reprimanded more for purging than for exercising a little... But then there is still sooooooo much fear and hesitation that rises up as I think about needing to tell my team about the exercise... I don't want to... I don't want to be (1) found out and (2) lose it [for real or for longer]... I don't know what to do...
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