Monday, May 30, 2011

Choosing to LIVE... Choosing to face today... Choosing to let the TRUTH reign...

Miraculously I made it through last night! It was rough, but God came to my rescue!

I am grateful that today is a new day. However, I am also somewhat daunted by going through all of my rounds of intake after struggling so badly last night to finish well, but I will take today in stride... ONE STEP AT A TIME ~ ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!

I will do my best to cling to TRUTH today and to yield myself into my Abba's hands and to let Him fight for me... I must be reminded today (and everyday) that my life is worth fighting for... That I have been purposed to live and not die! The journey continues today... I will choose to press on and will not relent in this battle (no matter how hard it is!). As I press on in this journey to RECOVERY, I will see an exchange take place. I will receive beauty for ashes, the oil of gladness for mourning, a garment of praise in place of the heaviness. I will be freed from ED's cage...


On this journey, I can't even get started in a day without going to my Abba, and as I read my devotional for today, I was reminded of the importance of spending time with Him...

"Time with Me cannot be rushed. When you are in a hurry, your mind flitters back and forth between Me and the tasks ahead of you. Push back the demands pressing in on you; create a safe space around you, a haven in which you can rest with Me. I also desire this time of focused attention, and I use it to bless you, strengthening and equipping you for the day ahead. Thus, spending time with Me is a wise investment. Bring me the sacrifice of your precious time. This creates sacred space around you - space permeated with My Presence and My Peace."

My desire is that the apartment that I am living in would be a sanctuary for the presence and peace of God, and I believe that as I sit before Him in this place and invite Him in, more of His sweet presence and peace will permeate my habitation, and it will be a safe haven for me to continue pressing on in this journey. I believe that God will show up in His magnitude and glorious splendor wherever He is welcomed. My prayer: "God, I welcome You to come and to fill this home. I invite You to flow with an outpouring of Your presence and a special anointing of Your peace. I desire fr this place to be a sacred and safe haven where You are continuously welcome. Come, Holy Spirit, and be poured out in me and around me, in Jesus' name!"

Psalm 119:27 says, "Make me understand the way of Your precepts; so shall I meditate on and talk of Your wondrous works." In order for me to understand and know the precepts and ways of the Lord, it is pertinent that I spend time with Him. To be honest, I wouldn't wish for such a difficult season of life right now, but I trust and believe hat God will carry me through one step at a time, and that through this journey, I will come to know Him more, and though I will never fully understand His ways, I believe that I will come to see the value and purpose of the various struggles and trials that I have walked through in my life. He promises to work all of them for GOOD - for my good and for His GLORY!

Such a beautiful promise is found in 2 Chronicles 16:9, "For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth to show Himself strong in behalf of those whose hearts are blameless toward Him..." Wow! As I read this verse, I was reminded of a prayer that a friend of mine prayed over me a couple of months ago... During the prayer, she said that God looked on me and called me blameless. When she share this with me, I didn't understand, because I felt everything BUT blameless! How could God see me that way? Then as she prayed, she said several times, "You are covered in the blood. The blood is enough." Though I felt and still do feel the furthest away from the definition of blameless, it is how God sees me - because when He sees me, He doesn't see my sin and all of my mistakes; He sees me covered in the blood - saved, ransomed, and redeemed through the priceless gift of salvation! Wow! His eyes run to and fro, relentlessly pursuing me and not giving up on me! The same goes for His other children...

Some may think it is heretical for me to say that I am blameless, especially since I am in the throes of fighting ED, but God says that my sins have been separated as far as the East is from the West, and that He remembers my sins NO MORE! He says that I have been made the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. So, you can call me a heretic, or you can call me a radical believer who is claiming and trying to receive what God's Word really says! No, not everything I do can be considered blameless, but who I now am in Christ is! Will you dare to believe that the blood is enough for you?

I will fail, and I will falter, but I must choose to be okay with that. I can't demand or expect perfection as I continue to persevere on this journey to RECOVERY. However, I can be assured that the perfect One is walking with me. The One who walks with Me flows with perfect STRENGTH, perfect PEACE, and perfect LOVE because He is all of those things! I will press on today in this pursuit of LIFE with Him walking alongside me. I will take today in stride...


"Those who live passionately teach us how to love.
Those who love passionately teach us how to live."
~Sarah Ban Breathnach

(Written later)

So far today has gone pretty well. I have felt much better (physically) which is good, but that also means I have more intake to fit in than I had to over the past week. Because I am still having to take each round in so slowly, my schedule is way out of whack, and I feel like I am constantly in a round of intake... That is frustrating! I feel like I'm always having to sip on something... I know my body and brain need the nourishment, but is is HARD. I know it is also important to get my supplement in so that my body and organs can function normally again... I know I still have a while at this stage of intake (with some possible, slight modifications), but it is also a reminder of how long the journey is that is ahead of me...

I really don't want to complain about it, but it is a difficult process right now...

Each time I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or get plastered in front of it, staring at the reflection, ED is tearing me to shreds, and the process intensifies...

"O God, teach me how to love me! I need to learn desperately! Help me to see what You see when You look at me!"

Nonetheless, I will press on in the journey of today and face the fourth round of intake. I will try to let the TRUTH override the lies tonight as I press on! ONE MOMENT AND SIP AT A TIME!

Deep within, I want to OVERCOME and live life FREE from ED. I know it takes many times of shutting him out and doing what my body really needs me to in order to shut down his voice and decrease its volume. That's what I will choose to do in the moment even though it is not what feels good!


(Written later)

I still have a round and a half to go, and it is late... It will only be POSSIBLE if God's STRENGTH rises up on the inside of me! I will continue to declare in boldness: HE WHO IS IN ME IS GREATER THAN THE VOICE AND POWER OF ED!

This journey has seemed to intensify tenfold over this past week and twenty-fold over the past two days! Which means that it is vital that the tenacity and will to live and fight multiply as well, so I can press on in this journey to RECOVERY and in this pursuit of LIFE! I can't back down... It is time to rise up! I will say:

I'm self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency! Christ in me = my HOPE of GLORY!

(From my Abba to me as I was facing my last rounds and crying out to Him...)

Daughter, when it seems like everything is fighting against you, know that I am fighting for you! When you don't feel like you can take one more step, reach out to Me, and I will help you. I will carry you if I have to! When you feel like all of your strength is gone, know that My STRENGTH never runs low! Keep your gaze fixed on Me, and you will see with a clear perspective. When you take your eyes off of Me and focus on the size and intensity of the battle, it opens a door for discouragement. Keep your eyes fixed on Me and walk in steadfast trust, and you will see what is POSSIBLE with Me!

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