Sunday, May 29, 2011

A rough night... But in the end, a VICTORIOUS night!

"You have to choose to be your own best friend or you'll
continue to be your own worst enemy!"

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." -Oscar Wilde

After reading the two quotations above, some deeper things were touched within me.

The struggle to love me for me presses on... I am not pleased with what I see, but I know that I was never pleased or content with what I saw when I was thinner or even bigger... I know I need to learn to love me for me, and to be honest, I don't know what that process really looks like... I don't even really know how to start... That hits something deeper in me... Something that will take some excavating to work through... It actually scares me to even think about going there... OUCH!

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best - night and day - to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and NEVER stop fighting!"

(Written later)

Well, I am facing round five for the first time in almost one week since I haven't been feeling very well... To be honest, everything is fighting against me as I start this round of intake. ED is screaming, and I feel so "full"... However, I know I need to press on with this round, especially to get myself back on track... But, I just keep feeling like I've taken in too much... like I've ballooned... I know that really isn't true, but that is how I feel... It's in moments like this that it is just seems too overwhelming to press on... I want to press on though to secure the VICTORY for today... It has been a good day, and I don't want to ruin it now by ending badly...

A rebuttal of the truth... It is okay to give my body nutrients! I have been purposed to live and not die! I don't have to earn the right to live because LIFE is a give extended to me by my heavenly Father... I am allowed to give my body and brain nourishment. I am not a slave to ED... I have the freedom to choose... And I will choose LIFE - in this very moment... I won't succumb to ED - NO! I will press on! I won't give up! One sip at a time... I will take it in stride!

The Struggle
By: Kim Hembry ©
May 29, 2011

The pressure builds up.
My heart starts to pound.
Shortness of breath.

Fear closes in.
My teeth are clenched.
Can't seem to budge.

Anxiety builds.
My body is tense.
Lies resound.

Don't want to give up.
Don't want to succumb.
To ED's voice.

In need of strength.
Show me the light.
The battle's intense.

I won't give up.
I'll press on.
I'll take a sip.

Here goes...

Tears well up inside of me as I press on tonight... It's so hard... I want to break free from the emotions rising up in me... "Pray and breathe," the simple advice of a friend runs through my mind... "God, Your STRENGTH in me... Rise up in power."

I hear the Lord say, "My child, it's My delight to fight for you. Breathe in My peace. Reach out for My hand. You're not alone. I'm right here with you. We can do this. Little by little, sweet child. I'm rooting for you!"

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