Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Tough day in many ways, but I made it through in the STRENGTH of my Abba!

Bad idea... just weighed myself... What I saw terrified me! I know deep down that the number I saw doesn't define me, but I still feel like it does. The number brings so much shame, and I am ashamed to have to say it out loud and ashamed for anyone who winds up having to see it... It is repulsive!

(Yet, I need to refocus...)

I then stood in front of the mirror and was disgusted by what I saw looking back at me.. I need to choose to believe in this very moment that what I see is BEAUTIFUL and LOVELY even though those two words are not what come to my mind at all!

So... not the best start to today, but I know that deep down the desire I have is for LIFE! Many more opportunities are rising up today for me to choose life - ONE STEP AT A TIME ~ ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!

I need some supernatural strength to rise up within me quickly today because I really don't feel like I have it in me to face my first round of intake today (much less the other four!) "Lord, stir Your strength and desire for LIFE - ABUNDANT LIFE - within me!"

WOW! Quick answer... Check out my devotional:

"As you sit quietly in My Presence, remember that I am a God of abundance. I will never run out of resources; My capacity to bless you is UNLIMITED! You live in a world of supply and demand, where necessary things are often scarce. Even if you personally have enough, you see poverty in the world around you. It is impossible for you to comprehend the lavishness of My provisions: the FULLNESS of My glorious riches. Through spending time in My Presence, you gain glimpses of My overflowing vastness. These glimpses are tiny foretastes of what you will experience eternally in heaven. Even now
(WOW) Rejoice in My ABUNDANCE - living by faith, not by sight!"

Okay, that was timely... He is a God of ABUNDANT STRENGTH... He desires ABUNDANT LIFE for me - for all of His children... He says that there is plenty of Him - of His abundance to go around - for him (or her) who chooses to believe! He says that I can access AS MUCH OF HIM AS I HAVE FAITH TO RECEIVE! I started out this morning "by sight" - I need to switch to "by faith"!

This promise gets even better as I read Philippians 4:19, "And my God will LIBERALLY supply (fill to the full) your EVERY NEED according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." He will fill to the full my every need. Therefore today I can say, "God, I am in need of You - of Your comfort - of Your strength - of Your peace," and it shall be mine as I reach out receiving by faith!

The "by faith" aspect goes even deeper as I look at 2 Corinthians 5:7, "For we walk BY FAITH [we regulate our lives and conduct ourselves by our conviction or belief respecting man's relationship to God and divine things, with trust and holy fervor; thus we walk] not by sight or appearance."

I will choose to say - I will walk by FAITH and not by SIGHT or APPEARANCE today as I face the first round of intake... I will walk in faith that with God all things are POSSIBLE and bearable as I go to the Dr. and have counseling today. I will cling to Him in the moments when everything seems shaky and uncertain and all I feel like I can do is crumble. I will not be ashamed of weakness because in my weakness, HIS BEAUTIFUL STRENGTH is made perfect! I will walk today -

Round one was finished up as I waited to see my Dr. soon enough she came in with results... She said that overall bloodwork was good - nothing some nutrients and balanced nutrition won't fix an stabilize... On one side, that's great news, but then ED rises up and says that it's really okay what i was doing (and have been doing over the past 13 years) That's the voice I have to silence! My Dr. was somewhat hesitant to give me such positive news because she knew it would trigger the voice of ED, but I needed to hear it and see it for what it was and is (I'm still not completely out of the clear yet!) God has obviously been sustaining my body in many ways. My B-12 is still oddly through the roof, but she said that it is probably because my body has been metabolizing muscle and that it is being dispersed throughout my system.... Only a little time will tell once I get some nutrients back in me...

However she did have one things to hold out that said... "DING! DING! DING!" Some damage that is new and that is not cured by proper eating patterns and moderate exercise... I have a heart valve that is leaking... It's the pulmonic valve, and there is a moderate regurgitation of blood from this specific valve of my heart... (It is properly referred to as MODERATE PULMONARY REGURGITATION; there are two levels: mild and moderate; mine is the moderate, a little more severe I guess) It could have several causes but what lead her to send me in for an EKG and ultrasound of my heart was a new heart murmur that I'd never had before. It will now require that I have a yearly EKG and ultrasound of my heart in order to monitor this condition.... It it were to worsen, it would be something that would have to be replaced (a new heart valve!) She said that I should still be fine to do some balanced/moderate swimming, walking, running (once my intake is up), but if I have pain, then to stop... We also talked about the correlation of the condition to diet pills... Well, I take this news in stride as well! I really don't know what to say or how to tell my parents... I actually want to research it a little bit first... However, I will say that it is a good "REALITY CHECK" as I am just now in the beginning stages of this journey to RECOVERY again (or maybe really for the first time!) I will have to take some specific meds to protect my heart from bacteria at certain times in the future...

I also got Pristiq today - a SNRI to help with depression and anxiety and balance out neurotransmitters during this process. I will see if I have any positive effects from this after a few weeks and take this step in stride too!

I also got a new prescription to try to treat the Thrush on my tongue because it isn't improving! And that too, I will take in stride!

I am currently on round three for the day and about to head to counseling. I am very tired and exhausted right now - slightly anxious - but I will choose to press on in this journey -


After counseling, I am meeting with someone to talk about some different living arrangement options for me in the city where my counselor and nutritionist are. I am really praying for and believing for favor for a good place for me to live that lends to my decision to walk in RECOVERY!

The day is now winding down... I am finishing up round five for today, and I am hoping to have a very restful day tomorrow...

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