Monday, May 9, 2011

A day like no other... Really! I mean that!

As I sit and think about this day, I am almost at a loss for words as to how to begin... I guess I must say that when this day started, I was glad that I had a Dr.'s appointment and couldn't take anything in before I got through it because I was terrified of having to integrate an extra bottle of Boost into my day... I was so overwhelmed by the thought of it! (Now that day of more intake is tomorrow!)

I have been staying at a friend's house for the past couple of weeks, and during my time here, there have been many positive decisions made in the direction toward recovery... As I walked out of the house ready to leave this morning, I noticed a note under my windshield wipers... As I opened it, I found words that were terrifying to me... With very little explanation, I saw in the plain colors of black and white that she was no longer going to be able to provide a place for me to stay... She said that we would talk later... At first when my eyes saw the words before me, I was in shock... I panicked! I was upset, angry, and the following lies vehemently crossed my mind: "Kim, you really are a BURDEN... You really are too much to handle... You really are overwhelming to those around you..." OUCH! Yikes! I had to silence those lies quickly!

As I prepared to leave the house and head to counseling, I was confused; tears slowly started to roll down my face, and I was afraid of what would happen next... The last thing I wanted to do was open my Bible, but I did anyway... Here is what I saw:

"But as for me, I will look to the Lord, and confident in Him I will keep watch; I will wait with hope and expectancy for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me." Micah 7:7

I believe that in that moment, something changed! I didn't realize it at the time, but as the day progressed, it became clearer to me...

So I got in my car, grateful that I was headed to my counselor's office... I didn't know how to process the information I had just received... As I drove, I fought off the tears that wanted to cascade down my cheeks... I retraced my steps, my words, and my actions from the past two weeks to see what could have gone wrong, but I couldn't figure it out! If you know me, you know that I like to figure things out and I will go to all lengths to do so! All I knew to do was look to God in faith, saying, "God, You are the only One! The only One who promises never to leave or forsake! The only One who promises never to abandon or reject me! The only One who is forever CONSTANT!"

As I arrived to counseling, I thought I was going to lose it when I walked into the office... I even moved the box of tissues to the table nearest me. Well, that is when something else started to happen... I started to process how it was that I felt and process the different and potential options ahead of me... It was good to be in a safe place to get through those very difficult moments!

I continued on through my day, taking the steps I needed to take in order to process the news that seemed HORRIBLE to me! I just didn't understand... I just didn't know what to do! However, God had a plan! He has a plan!

After visiting my doctor, I went to meet with my friend (the one I've been staying with)... We sat for quite a while, sharing what was going on in our hearts... She shared with me what prompted the note that she had left for me... She shared with me what the process looked like for her to make the decision that she had made, and I understood! I heard from her words that I had done nothing wrong! That I was NOT a burden to her, NOR overwhelming to her, NOR too much to handle... She told me that it has been a blessing to have me in her home... She wants to continue walking in the journey with me, just on different terms... We both left feeling positive, encouraged, and more than anything at peace with one another! (Also, I don't have to rush out, just to transition out over the next few days...)

As I sat and talked with my friend, I realized how God has used her home to facilitate some pretty amazing revelation and discovery. The Lord has used her home to serve as a cocoon from which new perspective and clarity have been derived! He has used her home as a vessel for His Presence! He has used her home as a place for me to learn some very valuable and life-giving lessons! I will choose to have a grateful heart for the hospitality and love extended to me during my time in her home, and I will choose to see this situation as one that God intends to use to propel me forward in this journey! It is all about perspective with this one! When our perspective changes, everything changes with nothing really changing at all!

Okay, so a quick interjection about dealing with the intake for the day... Since I couldn't start until late - I mean late in the day, I had to alter what I was going to be able to take in - something doable and not too overwhelming! I made it through a couple of positive rounds of intake, and I flushed all remaining diet pills today! That is a huge VICTORY for me!

Moving on, I went to meet with my parents for a while this evening, and the day that I thought was going to be horrible only got BETTER! I haven't really talked to my parents much over the past two weeks because I needed the space to think for myself - to recognize where I am and to make the needed steps to choose recovery and freedom for myself! I was somewhat nervous about going to meet with them, but I was blown away as I sat with them! We had one of the BEST conversations ever! It was REMARKABLE! It was not what I was expecting; it was much BETTER! Wow! I am not going to share the details here, but I left my parents' house feeling heard, understood, respected, and trusted! This may not mean anything to any of you who read this, but for me, this was a BIG DEAL! This time of me being away has also been a positive time for them!

I shared with them about some options that I was looking at, so I can continue to choose recovery and press on in the journey to FREEDOM! And they were receptive! I felt like I was talking to two different people!

As I wrap this post up, I feel like I am being built up by the TRUTH of the Living God on the inside of me! I am still overwhelmed by the journey and path ahead of me, but I will choose to have a positive outlook in regards to walking the path marked and sat out for me! I am still not sure how I will get through all of the steps that need to be taken in order to walk in the fullness of LIFE that God desires for me to experience, but I guess what I am saying is that I am four days into this new season of RECOVERY and FREEDOM, and though it is hard and often seems way to difficult to bear, I cling to the HOPE that I have in the One - Who is the Author and Finisher of my faith!

I will not focus on how far I have to go, but rather on how far I have come! I will not focus on how many steps are ahead of me, but rather on how many steps are now behind me! I will not focus on all of the areas where I have failed and fallen, but rather on all of the times when I have risen and pressed on!

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