Saturday, May 21, 2011

Week 3... Day 2... More endurance required...

Today is going to be a pretty full day! I have practice for graduation in a little while and then graduation this afternoon. I am performing a song in sign language! Also, my best friend is in town, so I will get to hang out with her for a while!

I'm not real sure how all of my rounds will fit in today, but the only one I can focus on right now is the one I'm on to get started for today! I will CHOOSE LIFE TODAY!

I am nervous about the graduation today... Not because I'm performing; that doesn't scare me! I'm nervous all of the people that I will see to whom I've always felt like I owe an answer. Also, there will be some triggering people there today... But, I must fix my gaze upon the Lord and pray that He ordains each conversation, and is my shield and rear guard! (Which He was!)

Today's devotion is relevant to what I just shared!

"I the Creator of the universe, am with you and for you. What more could need? When you feel some lack, it is because you are not connecting with Me at a deep level. I offer abundant LIFE; your part is to trust Me, refusing to worry about anything. It is not so much adverse events that make you anxious as it is your thoughts about those events. Your mind engages in efforts to take control of a situation, to bring about the result you desire. Your thoughts close in on the problems like ravenous wolves. Determined to make things go your way, you forget that I am in charge of your life. The only remedy is to switch your focus from the problem to My Presence. Stop all your striving, and watch to see what I will do! I am the Lord"

What a great reminder to know that He is with Me and for Me. This truth becomes even more plainly understood in Romans 8:31-32, "What then shall we say to [all] this? If God is for us, who [can be] against us? [Who can be our foe if God is on our side? He who did not spare or withhold [even] His own Son but gave Him up for us all, will He not also with Him freely and graciously give us all [other] things?" In regards to other people and fearing their judgment or rejection, I can be grateful that God is for me - NOT AGAINST ME - that He is my DEFENDER! However, I also think about how often I have been my own foe as ED's demands played out in my life and also how I can so easily become frustrated and angry with myself for all kinds of reasons throughout the process... God doesn't want me to be against myself either! I guess that will be part of this process too...

Actually, I guess that each time I am willing to stand up against ED and choose LIFE, I am choosing not to be against myself... Hmmmm... I never made that connection before. ED tries to get me to turn on myself as I choose LIFE, but that's where TRUTH has to prevail and where LIGHT must penetrate the darkness so that I can clearly see what it means to stand up for myself and not be my own foe... Each day, each step, each moment will be a learning process!

(written later)

Today my body is really fighting me in the intake process. I'm physically exhausted and worn out and yet don't seem to have that much time to rest today. My body is cramping up and not wanting to accept this second round of intake, but I will press through the pain and discomfort and choose LIFE in this moment... I will be patient with the process and will take it in stride even when my body fights me so hard!

Micah 7:7 will become a new, daily declaration to build up my endurance and perseverance for this journey of RECOVERY... I believe it will also remind me of the importance of being patient with myself and my body throughout this process. It says,"But as for me, I will look to the Lord and confident in Him, I will keep watch; I will wait with HOPE and EXPECTANCY for the God of my SALVATION; my God WILL HEAR me." This is what I need right now! It is Him that builds me up to face every step of this journey right now. I love that I am being reminded that He HEARS ME! When I feel alone and like no one understands or is there for me, He promises to hear me. That makes me think about something that was prayed over me yesterday... God wanted me to know that HE WILL BE THERE - for me and with me! What HOPE that brings me right now! He will be there each sleepless night - at each moment of exhaustion - when I am crumbling in tears - at EVERY MOMENT!

Micah 7:8 adds ever more HOPE and ENCOURAGEMENT to press on in this journey to RECOVERY! It says, "Rejoice no against me, O my enemy! When I fall, I SHALL RISE; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a LIGHT to me." This makes me remember this short quotation: "PROGRESS... NOT PERFECTION!" Through this path to RECOVERY, I will fall and darkness will creep in, but I don't have to lose hope because I shall arise, and the Lord will be LIGHT (LIFE) to me! I need to keep this at the forefront of my mind today as the physical part of this battle is very trying.



(written later)

I'm struggling to press on in the physical today. My body is really putting up a fight. I am determined to keep pressing on! I want to choose LIFE even though it hurts today...

I had a great time at the graduation today, and it was totally "a God thing" that I did the sign language to "Your Grace Still Amazes Me." So many people came and told me how blessed they were and how touched they were by the song and motions. Wow! He is sooooooo GOOD!

The speaker at graduation had a recurrent message that is great TRUTH to hold onto - especially in this journey: THERE IS HOPE! IT ISN'T YOU! HIS NAME IS JESUS! If I can keep that at the forefront of my mind, I will be reminded that Christ in me is my HOPE of glory (Col.1:27).

Tomorrow I will be moving into the apartment where I will be staying for the next two to three months or so, so that I am closer to my counselor and nutritionist and also so I have space and privacy to work through this process and continue on in this journey to choose RECOVERY! ONE DAY AT A TIME ~ ONE STEP AT A TIME ~ ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!

I still have another round and a half to finish of intake today, and though my body is not cooperating, I will keep pressing on and will finish to secure today's VICTORY!

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