Well, I actually slept for a while last night, but the frustrating thing is that because my body is working so hard to learn how to function again, even after a little sleep, I don't feel rested, but I am believing that that will get better in time!
So after yesterday of not even being able to take in half of what I needed to due to my Dr. appointment, I was initially very daunted as I thought about today... In order to refocus and not get paralyzingly overwhelmed I opened my devotional and found this:
"Do not resist or run from the difficulties in your life. These problems are not random mistakes; they are hand-tailored blessings designed for your benefit and growth. Embrace all the circumstances that I allow in your life, trusting Me to bring good out of them. View problems as opportunities to rely more fully on Me. When you start to feel stressed, let those feelings alert you to your need for Me. Thus, your needs become doorways to deep dependence on Me and increasing intimacy between us. Although self-sufficiency is acclaimed in the world, reliance on Me produces abundant living in My kingdom. Thank Me for the difficulties in your life, since they provide protection from the idolatry of self-reliance."
WOW! This is very much a part of what I needed to hear this morning as I was facing the first round of intake today... It made me feel like God was sitting right next to me just telling me that it would all turn out okay as He wiped the tears from my eyes and swept my hair out of my face...
I also sat and was reminded that it is only in my utter dependence upon Him that I will ever walk independently from this hellacious battle and tormenting cycle! Only in utter reliance upon Him will I ever find the HOPE to continue!
Verses that went with my devotional:
"For we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers (or sisters), about the affliction and oppressing distress which befell us in [the province of] Asia, how we were so utterly and unbearably weighed down and crushed that we despaired even of life itself. Indeed we felt within ourselves that we had received the very sentence of death, but that was to keep us from trusting in and depending on ourselves instead of on God Who raises the dead." 2 Corinthians 1:8-9
The above set of verses were written by Paul... He and Timothy had been ministering in Asia, and obviously it was not pleasurable. As I read these words this morning, I thought to myself, "Paul and Timothy felt despaired even to life itself too!" I was reminded that really I am not alone... Our battles were different, but the result of despair is very similar!
"At all times and for everything giving thanks in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God the Father." Ephesians 5:20
I will choose to thank Him for the daily struggles and difficulties that are before me! Even though I don't understand, I will choose to face each difficulty head-on in the strength of the Lord!
"... I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency."
Philippians 4:13b AMP
Something else that helped me to choose life today were the words from someone I consider a friend, though I have never met her... I know she understands where I am in this journey right now... She said:
Each day, each hour that you make it through is something to be proud about. Things are though right now, and I am guessing they are frustrating. This is where PATIENCE comes in... We have to be patient with ourselves, the process, and the journey of getting healthy all over again. Just as you are learning to trust your body, your body is learning to trust you. Continue to try your best, be honest, follow direction, and keep speaking out! You are not alone. Lifting you up! You are loved. "The Lord is good, a STRENGTH and STRONGHOLD in the day of trouble; He knows (recognizes, has knowledge of, and understands) those who take refuge and trust in Him" Nahum 1:7
I was sooooooooooooo very grateful for this message this morning. It helped to fuel me to CHOOSE LIFE today! I will have to choose life numerous - countless - times throughout today, but I will continue believing that it is worth it!
Round 1 has now been accomplished, and though my body is churning, I know that it is just part of the process that my body is in as it learns to trust me again...
Shortly I will have yet another appointment for an EKG and ultrasound of my heart. I am in the hands of my Abba! In His arms I am safe!
Round 2 is in process!
The journey continues as I press on, recognizing that there is One in me who is greater who is helping me to live!
More to come!