The past several weeks have been difficult ones. They have been marked with many deep feelings rising up to the surface - feelings I've stuffed for years. There was a difficult anniversary at the beginning of the month that served as a trigger for all that's been rising up within me.
Without even realizing it at first, I began falling and slipping into ED behaviors and patterns. After meeting with my therapist and talking with a couple of my friends who help with accountability and support, I started to better see how there is a new and deeper season of healing on the horizon.
Today was a rough day as I finally had just a little time to sit and be, without all of the busyness that has been so characteristic of a typical spring semester. As I sat in the presence of the Lord, desiring just to "be" with Him and let His comfort come, there were deep emotions that arose in me... As I tried to sort through them, I struggled with identifying exactly what was going on, so for the first time in a long time, a poem began to pour forth.
I am embarking on a new journey - a new season of healing - but I know it is valuable to walk through it. It is going to take the grace of God to walk each step though - One by one! The old motto or declaration is revived - ONE day at a time, ONE step at a time, ONE moment at a time, ONE bite (or sip) at a time!
The choice to choose life practically by fueling and nourishing is a very difficult one to make right now. Getting the food in me right now that I really need in order to keep walking this road is harder than it's been in several months. I've hit many places of paralysis in the moment of trying to fuel my body lately, even in getting to the grocery store and getting what I've needed. However, tonight I reached out to one of my mentors/accountability/support people, and I've committed to at least fight by taking in supplements if I am struggling too much to eat.
The truth is that I don't want to backtrack or lose ground that has been gained, but I know that taking in supplements is better than not getting the nutrition my body needs. That's what would happen in treatment if I struggled to get in the nourishment I needed with food and exchanges. It's the way I am able to choose to stand in this battle right now. I have to accept that it is a positive choice for LIFE - even if others don't understand that it is the best I can do at the moment! I want to stay in this battle! I want to win this war! I most likely going to need some support for a little while though!
Here's the poem I wrote earlier today.
"The Tug of War ~ Grace Wins"
By: Kim Hembry©
There's great toil deep within me.
As it rises up, I feel overcome;
Weeping flows, tears fall down.
Desperation makes a relentless plea.
There's an overwhelming sadness.
There's a seemingly hollow, deep pit.
I'm unsure of what resides there;
Maybe hidden shadows of darkness?
There's also a fear set up as a wall;
I'm afraid of what it hides;
I'm not convinced I want to see,
But deep down, I desire for it to fall.
I know I can trust Him Who chips away.
I know He's gentle and kind,
Yet to fully permit the breaking -
Is more troubling to do than say, at least today.
Deep down, I don't want to ward off what's due;
I don't want to resist His touch;
I don't want fear to win;
His love has got to break through -
All of these muddied, blurred waters,
All of the mirages of "what if's",
All of the larger-than-life images -
That only desire for fear to be soldered.
I'm trying to believe He's brought me into safety -
Trying to believe He sees it all -
Trying not to fall away, nor push away -
That which He desires to do in me.
I don't want to hinder His perfect work,
Yet I'm unsure of walking through this part.
I feel like I need a little time -
To push down, ignore, or starve out all that's coming up.
Yet, I know that's not what I really need,
Nor what my inner man is truly saying.
To be obstinate now appears the ultimate failure.
Not wanting to partner with that seed.
It's really hard to mutter even a weak, "yes";
It's hard not to look away;
It's hard not to flee the pain.
"O, Lord, come and break through my stubborn flesh."
It seems the best I can mutter is, "Grace";
It seems the most beneficial of cries.
His grace is needed to fair the storm -
So needed to rise through the crashing waves still safe.
So, "Grace," I call out, "Grace in Jesus' name."
Grace to sit, grace to stand,
Grace to wait, grace to endure,
Grace for patience, grace not to run away.
I am believing His grace is sufficient for me to keep walking this journey. I will not relent even in the dark and turbulent seasons. I will keep walking - ONE day at a time, ONE step at a time, ONE bite (or sip) at a time!