Sunday, September 4, 2011

Affirmations to start off... A Poem to conclude... What a journey this is!

So... I started off the day with a few great affirmations...

I am moving and changing and growing, at the RIGHT pace.
The process can be trusted.
What is right for me WILL come to me.
I WILL let the JOY of becoming warm me!

A special series of events has been planned for me today.
I shall NOT miss it!

I will listen to the music of today.
I will get in tune, in rhythm.
I am needed for the concert's BEAUTY!

You may wonder why I started off my day this way... Well, the road has been bumpy and the journey trying (which I guess should be expected)! The first affirmation is the one that is most powerful for me today! Or should I say it will be the most powerful and important one for quite a while!?!?

When I saw my dietitian on Friday, she told me that I need to be a little easier on myself and accept where I am on this journey at this point... She told me that I have made sooooooooo much progress since first starting with her... That is hard for me to receive and even harder to believe and accept because recovery is painted so black and white in my mind... I feel like I've barely made it even a day in real "recovery." I don't know... Part of me feels like even when I complete my meal plan right now, I really am not "in recovery" because I feel like I can't stop acting out in my eating disorder in some way, shape, or form... Gauging the state of my mind, I feel the farthest from recovery... But... I am probably being to harsh...

Or maybe I am just too afraid of losing ED... Maybe I am too afraid of really working recovery for all that it is because I am afraid of failure and not being able to make it anyway? I know I am still afraid of recovery, but my team has challenged me to do my best to work it anyway right now because without being able to work it, I will never learn to trust it... And without being able to work it, I will never be able to trust my meal plan and how my body will respond to it...

Hmmmm... I also feel like I have no other choice but to work recovery right now, especially because God has placed a few very amazing friends in my life that are super supportive... And they love me too much to let ED win...

I hate that my eating disorder seems like more fun than recovery does...

I guess all in all, I am glad that someone else (my dietitian) can see some light and can see some progress... Part of me wants to be happy about making some kind of notable progress, but inside I don't feel that way... I feel like I've been weak, and ED won't let me feel good about making good decisions... It's like I feel defeated by ED when I work recovery, and I feel defeated by ED when I don't...

I hate that this post has turned into something kind of negative, but I guess it is good that some of this is able to come out of me through a little writing...

I should feel very good about today because I have followed my meal plan so far and have warded off the great urges to exercise, as well as, many other urges... However, I feel somewhat sad and unfulfilled...

In saying all of this, I feel like a sourpuss! I know that God does not desire for me to feel overcome or defeated. ED wants me to feel that way, but God does not! God desires for me to feel empowered and victorious because He's equipped me to stand up to ED in many ways today... I just feel like I have to force myself into being even remotely glad about doing some things right that are in the direction of recovery... That doesn't seem right! Does it?

Well, let's see...

Thought Chain
By: Kim Hembry©
September 4, 2011

I'm sighing deep within-
Uncertain of all of this.

Feel so weak, so overcome.
In freedom, I long to run-

To run in the rain-
To jump and to sing.

What would it be like?
Would it be nice?

Would I feel happy?
Would I feel some relief?

How long will it take-
To feel somewhat safe?

To quiet the voice in my mind-
To stand up to the lies?

When will I feel better?
And not feel sadder?

When will the table turn?
For how long will my stomach churn?

And what about the fear?
And the locked up tears?

Will I get some release?
Some respite of peace?

I am desperate for light-
For hope on the inside.

For strength to press on-
To live far beyond-

Beyond ED's demands-
Freed from his hands.

Beyond condescending pleas-
Freed from his mockeries.

Beyond self-torturing lies-
Freed to see with no disguise.

Beyond the mold and prescribed form-
Freed to live and be reborn.

Freed to catch a glimpse of me-
And someday a tinge of beauty.

But until that day dawns-
I must stand up and press on.

Press on where I am-
With what I hold in my hand.

Take each step one by one-
Until the day of victory comes!

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