Today in retrospect... Honest internal reflection... Yikes!

²⁸Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, does not faint or grow weary; there is no searching of His understanding.

²⁹He gives power to the faint and weary, and to him who has no might He increases strength [causing it to multiply and making it to abound].

³⁰Even youths shall faint and be weary, and [selected] young men shall feebly stumble and fall exhausted;

³¹But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.

Isaiah 40: 28-31

¹³Come now, you who say, Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a city and spend a year there and carry on our business and make money.

¹⁴Yet you do not know [the least thing] about what may happen tomorrow. What is the nature of your life? You are [really] but a wisp of vapor (a puff of smoke, a mist) that is visible for a little while and then disappears [into thin air].

¹⁵You ought instead to say, If the Lord is willing, we shall live and we shall do this or that [thing].

James 4:13-15

When I first read these passages, I coudn't help but think to myself, "Praise be to God who WILL strengthen me," because I felt pretty weak and tired from this fight... I was also reminded that I need only look at today - rather than at the remaining part of this very long journey...

As I got started with today, I managed to pull my food together for breakfast and made it through... I then got ready and headed out for a session with my therapist...

As I drove to my therapist's office, I became somewhat overwhelmed as to where I'd begin today... I had so much going on in my head... Overall, I felt very perplexed because over the past week (since my last session), I've realized just how right my therapist was in saying that I basically have NO freedom because ED is SO -- SO -- SO in control...

Over the past week, I spent time putting together a collage that depicts why I still feel like I need my eating disorder ~ a collage that depicts some of the comforts and promises I still feel like my eating disorder gives me... I did this because I've been struggling to find words to express all that I feel my ED still offers me...


As I looked at the collage this morning, I realized something that I didn't intend to realize... I began to recognize that I still have a deep rooted belief that I can live my life AND practice my eating disorder too (both at the same time)... Actually, that's all I've known! The rational side of me tries to grasp a hold of the truth that what I am believing isn't really true... I began to feel frustrated that I felt so stuck and also that my eating disorder still has such a hold - or rather, a tight grip - on me... Arghhh!

Something that happened yesterday reinforced to me just how strong my eating disorder really is... So... I don't mean for what I'm about to share to be triggering, but I am going to mention a few numbers... So, yesterday I was at my parents' house trying to put my lunch together... I've been used to eating a whole grain tortilla that has 80 calories, 12 gr. of fiber, 8 gr. of protein, and 1/2 gr. of fat... The one in my mom's pantry had 130 calories, only 3 gr. of fiber, 2 gr. of protein, and 3 gr. of fat... I started to freak out so badly inside... All I could seem to do was try and figure out how I would cancel out and/or balance out my calories for the day... AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I had such a hard time dealing with it... It bothered me all day...

With that being said, counseling was good but kinda hard today... ED was confronted quite a bit, and I was challenged in many ways... My therapist told me that as I go through this week, she wants me to think about things I enjoy (not in relation to food)... She wants to take some mental space away from ED...

Hmmmmmmm...

My therapist also challenged one of my patterns of thinking today... Most of the time when I am talking about recovery, I say, "I am trying to trust...", "I am trying not to manipulate...", "I am trying not to restrict..."; she challenged me to say, "I am trusting..." She also reminded me of the importance of staying present and of taking each day in stride as it comes... ONE STEP AT A TIME! and ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!

I've tried to do that throughout the rest of today... I've been trying to take today in stride and do my best to work recovery... Speaking of which, I guess I better wrap this post up, so I can figure out how to finish all of my remaining exchanges for today...

Blessings to all of you on your own journey!