Friday, August 5, 2011

Standing up to ED by choosing to speak!

Well, I haven’t been journaling or writing much at all over the past several weeks. Part of the reason was because I was in treatment all day and didn’t have time to write, but since being discharged a week ago, writing and journaling has been taking place even less! That is not very normal for me! I haven’t even written poetry in over a week now! I don’t know what’s wrong with me!

Am I afraid to face all that is going on in me? Am I afraid to see my struggle? I don’t know, but I kind of feel like I am drowning...

So... I met with my counselor this morning, which was overall, a very good thing! I didn’t want to talk to her about how much I have been struggling, but yet, I knew deep down that I needed to and that I had committed to talk to her about some of the stuff that lies beneath... ED fought me like crazy as I tried to share about how I’ve been acting out on my eating disorder. However, I was able to let her know that I have been calorie counting like crazy and using it as a means to restrict and manipulate my meal plan... As I shared this with her, a few questions came up on her end that made me stop and think.

I have already mentioned that I am afraid to lose ED even though deep down I know that his companionship doesn’t really offer anything that leads to LIFE, but today I was able to start sharing about the fears and hesitations I have to really choose recovery for the first time!

My counselor told me that I needed to talk to my dietician about all that I had shared with her this morning and that I didn’t need to try and hide it or cover it up! She also gave me an assignment to work on when I am being tempted to count calories...

Well, in all honesty, I didn’t utilize the assignment as a coping tool as I ate lunch. I kept on counting my calories and trying to come up with the lunch that covered all of my exchanges but that had the smallest amount of calories...

However, a change was getting ready to come as I entered my dietician’s office. I had mixed feelings as I walked into her office. I was excited to see her since it had been so long since my last visit, but I was also afraid of what she might want to tweak on my meal plan.

As I sat down in her office, I started to share about the past five weeks in treatment; I began updating her on all that took place. Talking about my treatment experience obviously led me to my meal plan... Which eventually led me into sharing about my number trauma regarding my weight and calories.

As I talked with her, she was very merciful and sincere as she heard me out and listened intently to what I had to say. However, she was not going to let ED get by with anything. She is not afraid to confront, but when she confronts, she does so in love. I really do appreciate her. She does think that my meal plan needs to be upped, but she knew that throwing that on my right now was not the best idea. Therefore, she sat forth the challenge to trust my current meal plan as a base, as a starting zone and to give it a shot, to try it out WITHOUT counting all of my calories and manipulating my intake (or in other words, restricting!).

We talked for quite a long time, but before I left her office, I committed to try it out this week. (She assured me that with my current meal plan, I will not gain weight.)

So... as the time rolled around to eat dinner, I started pulling together all of my exchanges. I was trying to keep track of my calories in my head, but I knew I needed to break out of it... Once I got my dinner prepared, I committed to fight the urge to count calories, and I used the assignment my counselor gave me as the coping mechanism she desired for me. Well, I made it through one meal without writing down all of my calorie counts though I had run most of it through my head. However, I know it was a small step in the right direction.

After getting finished with dinner, I left for a church meeting. There was a single women’s/ladies’ group meeting tonight, and they were starting a new study. I have wanted to get plugged in at the church and find a small group to help me start making connections and getting to know people, but because of treatment, I hadn’t had time to! So... tonight I did! I went and met some pretty amazing people! My spirit got some extra fill tonight which was much needed!

The study we started is called, “Discerning the Voice of God.” I believe this will be a great and timely study for me to use as I am battling ED’s voice in me...

Alright, well I guess I better wrap this up and get to bed so I can keep pressing on tomorrow!





No matter where you may be on your own journey to RECOVERY, don’t give up! Keep pressing on! You are worth it and deserve RECOVERY! You deserve to LIVE!

What will you choose?

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