Thursday, August 4, 2011

The beast is beckoning...

As I start this blog, I wonder why I should even think about posting right now... For starters, I guess it is a good thing that I have gotten in all of the exchanges on my meal plan over the past 3 days... However, on the other side, I have been a calorie-counting-fiend!

I met with my mentor today... She had a lot of hard truth to speak to me... I know I needed to hear it, but I kind of clammed up... I've struggled to find my voice today... (or rather, for the past several days!)

Deep down, I think I know that ED has way more power than he needs to have over me right now... As I've been counting calories, I've wanted to cut them down to a certain number or at least keep them below a certain number...

I still want to lose weight... I feel like I still need to lose weight...

I have counseling tomorrow morning and an appointment with my dietician in the afternoon... Part of me is very nervous about seeing my dietician. I haven't seen her since before I went into treatment... I like her a lot and am glad she is on my treatment team, but I am sooooooooooo afraid she will add more exchanges to my meal plan... I am not okay with the amount of calories I am getting now, and I don't even know how to handle an increase right now...

In many ways, I feel quite defeated right now... I also feel soooooooooo torn... I am trying to believe that ED really doesn't have good to offer me, but I am terrified to let him go... I am afraid to lose him...

Well, this post isn't very encouraging now, is it? I'm sorry for that...

This is just where I am tonight... I just needed to get a little of it out of me...

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