Wednesday, August 24, 2011

A very LONG day!

GoOd MoRnInG!

So... I just walked into my therapist's office, and for some reason I am kinda nervous... I guess part of the reason is because I haven't had the best week in regards to working recovery!

Deep down, I know I should talk to her about my Miralax issue (taking a little too much sometimes...), about my binge/purge episode, about slightly restricting, about all of the extra fiber, and about the urges I have regarding exercise...

ED is fighting me hard right now - I can pretty much feel that he is trying to get my mouth clenched shut, so I can't/don't talk about what's going on with me, but I know I have to stand up to him!

I know I need to share with my therapist that I gave myself a counseling/art therapy assignment and why! I know I need to try and delve into all that is keeping me from letting go of ED and putting myself fully into recovery... Arghh!

I am also terrified of what may come up in me...

(Written after my session...)

Well, I faced it! I opened up... I didn't keep it all in... I have so much going on in my head right now... My therapist told me that i am not experiencing any freedom and that my eating disorder is completely controlling me... That confrontation came when I said that one reason I am afraid to throw myself into recovery is fear of losing control... She said I have no control and that ED is in control... Arghh! I know I probably needed to hear that, but man! It sucks!

I know I want to try recovery - that deep down, I really do! I am frustrated that I can't trust this process... My therapist said that at the core of me is a deep/big trust issue that keeps me from trusting in recovery - from trusting those at the world-renowned-hospital from which I was recently discharged from treatment - from trusting one of the top dietitians in the state of Texas - from trusting my body... AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

ED says I should've kept my mouth shut... Yet I know that's really a lie... I kind of feel stuck - at a loss for words... My mind seems very jumbled right now...

I am able to recognize a few things that are better than they were, but I still don't really feel good about anything I've done regarding recovery... My therapist wants me to explore why I can't feel good about the things that are going well in recovery - why I don't feel good about positive steps taken in the direction of recovery...

There's so much more I feel I need to get out right now, but I don't even know how! I mean, in the moment, I am just reminding myself to breathe... TO PRAY AND TO BREATHE as I wait to see my dietitian.

Oh, I'm not the most excited about this one... Especially after the counseling session I just had... I feel anxious and want to run... Run away from it all!

Truthfully, besides taking a little too much Miralax last night, the past three days have been positive days that are leading in the direction of recovery... But, I don't know... I feel defeated and stuck!

My therapist reminded me earlier that my dietitian wasn't changing my current meal plan because she wanted me to learn to trust it and wants to see how my body will respond to it... My therapist said that if I can't work recovery in regards to my meal plan, then my dietitian can't see how my body is responding... True statement! Hard - but TRUE!

I feel like I just need to take a deep breath now!

I guess what makes me feel so defeated is that the truth is that I can't work recovery "a little bit" and practice my eating disorder just "a little bit"; I am either working RECOVERY or ED is working me! This is what I am struggling to believe right now... I can accept it as truth, but I am having a hard time letting it take root in me and really believing it to be true for me! I guess that goes back around to TRUST -- trusting recovery - trusting my dietitian - trusting my meal plan - trusting my body - trusting God with my body... AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Okay, that's all for now... More to come I'm sure... I'm about to see my dietitian...


(Written after my session with my dietitian...)

So... Truth is that I kind of entered my dietitian's office with clenched teeth... Part of me didn't want to see her... However, I am very glad I did see her! She is really an amazing woman!

When I first entered her office, I am pretty sure she knew I was entering reluctantly... She asked me if I was angry she wouldn't let me exercise (specifically, run!)... Deep down, I am trying to believe that it really isn't ok for me to run right now... I kind of feel like a time bomb is continually ticking down, and before long, I am going to have to go for a run whether I have permission or not... But, I also know that I have spent countless years teetering and tottering back and forth between all of my ED behaviors... I don't want to fulfill the definition of insanity and keep doing the same things over and over expecting a different result than what I have yet to see... So... That means that I have to try and trust this thing called recovery...

As we talked, I shared all of the ways that I've subtly been practicing my eating disorder (at times subconsciously and at times with much rationalization)... I also briefed her on all that took place during my counseling session this morning...

Before we could get too far into the session, I just had to know what my body has been doing... Of course I didn't need to know numbers, but I felt like I needed to know if I've been gaining, maintaining, or losing... I feel like I've been ballooning! Well, when I asked her what had happened since being discharged, she told me that I have lost weight... ED is super HAPPY about that, and I feel like a part of me is too... I am still not okay with my weight...

When I asked her about my weight, she had more leverage to use when she talked to me about running... Okay... So, physiologically, I can't afford to run yet... For me, that sucks! I want to soooooooo badly! However, as I talked with her, some rational thought somehow surfaced... I realized that if I were allowed to run right now, it would become my life again... Each day I would have to run further than the day before, and it would soon completely take me over as it has before... SO... with that being said, I guess I am going to try and wait to see what my body is doing and trust my dear dietitian...

I feel like I have so much more to get out of me regarding my appointments today, but I am absolutely exhausted... I guess to wrap this post up I will say that I was told that my meal plan is a non-negotiable... It is not to be tweaked or altered... I need to finish it EVERY DAY! Also, another non-negotiable is to take ONLY the prescribed dose of Miralax... (I will see her again in a week and a half...)

To make a long story short... The journey continues...


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