Saturday, I didn't quite finish my meal plan, and I was quite disappointed in myself for that... It was the first day out of Treatment, and I had already messed up... However, yesterday I did finish my meal plan, and today I have followed it so far too... I am still getting used to all of this solid food and still struggling with feeling like I am eating WAY TOO MUCH! Not to mention the physical discomfort and complications...
My mom stayed with me both Saturday and Sunday night, so I could have some accountability to get the food I needed to attempt to follow my meal plan and to be with me for the first several meals. I was very glad she came to be here with me!
During my time in Treatment, my lease ended, so I had signed a new lease when I came home for a weekend about three weeks ago, so I have also been trying to get settled in at my new apartment. My mom also helped me to get some things organized and set up in my apartment, so I wouldn't be too overwhelmed. I will admit that I am very glad to have a new place of residence to continue walking out this journey of RECOVERY... I kind of feel like I have a fresh start in it. It doesn't have any bad memories of behaviors and triggers in it at this point, so I am hoping it will be a good place for me to start fresh!
Today was my mom's birthday, so I took her out for a birthday lunch. I am definitely not comfortable eating in public, but I stretched myself for her, and I was glad to find a table that was rather secluded in the back corner of the restaurant.
At Treatment each week, we had to eat either a Challenge Food or a Challenge Meal. During these challenges, we were encouraged to think about the meal/food we were having as a normal meal/food for the majority of the population, even to consider a piece of cake as a normal thing to eat from time to time, especially on special occasions, and not to FREAK OUT about it. Well, easier said than done for sure! However, I chose to give myself a Challenge Food today. Since it was my mom's birthday, I ate a piece of cake with her. I tried to remember that if I were still in Treatment, I probably would have had to have something like that today anyway. I did it!
I will admit that ED seems to be fighting soooooooooooooo very hard against me though. He has been fighting more intensely over the past few weeks... He doesn't seem to let up, but I know that each time I stand up to him and eat a meal, I am being strengthened and he is being overcome -- day by day, step by step, moment by moment, and bite by bite!
This morning I met with my therapist for the first time since getting back. I was delighted to see her! There is still a very long road ahead of me, but I know that it will be ok. I am grateful for the therapist God has placed in my life, and I will keep doing the hard work with her and my dietician. I will see her again on Friday!
There are many things that try to invade my mind to stress me out right now, but I will try to stay grounded in the present and do the right thing in the moment that stands before me. The director at the treatment center said the following statement countless times over the past five weeks, "Do the next right thing!" I want this to be my goal. I want to do the right thing now and then follow it by the right thing for the moment that will come later.
As I wrap up this post, this brief update, I want to say that I am struggling to let go of ED. I am trying to dig deep and believe that he is not what I really need, that it is better to let him go, but I am also terrified to let him go. I know this battle will continue for a long time, maybe even forever... However, I guess what I can choose to do right now - in this moment - is say that I will choose LIFE!
I choose LIFE today - this evening - as I reflect back on the past several weeks! I choose to STAND UP and NOT relent! I choose to go in the direction of my dreams! If you want, you are welcome to join me!