Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Victories and Challenges... Stuck in between... And a poem...

"When a woman has love, she is no longer at the mercy of forces greater than herself, for she, herself, becomes the powerful force."
~Veronica Casey

"Often when we're being touch and strong, we're scared. It takes a lot of courage to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to be soft."

~Dudley Martineau

"Letting others see who we really are alleviates confusion, theirs and ours. We no longer need to decide who we should be; we simply are who we are. Our choices are simplified. There is only one appropriate choice to every situation - the one that is honest and wholly reflective of who we are at the moment."

(Taken from the devotional,

"Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women)

So... This last quotation that I shared reminds me of what my therapist told me this morning when I saw her. I was talking to her about the reservations and fears I have in regards to Open House and "Meet the Teacher" tomorrow night... She helped to calm me down a bit... I shared with her that I was afraid that the parents would bombard me for evidence for a long list of "credentials" (which I don't really have! Because of my ED, I have never been able to finish college!) as to how I became a Spanish teacher at an elite private school... I know that God has equipped me for the position, but I didn't feel like that alone would go over too well for these parents who pay around $700/month for tuition... She told me that all I have to do is tell the truth... She kinda helped me get a script put together in my head... Here goes... "Well, I excelled in Spanish throughout High School and continued to excel in the Spanish classes I took in college. Later I was given the opportunity to live in a Spanish-speaking country where I had the privilege of teaching English. After returning to the US, I began tutoring students in Spansih, and shortly thereafter, I was invited to join the staff here at BCA." (SO... What do you think? Sound okay? Haha!) Phew! I will be running this through my head a few more times before tomorrow night! I know it will all be ok!

I am also experiencing fear about what some of the parents (who have known me for a while) will say to me... Since being home from treatment and starting school, I have had several people comment on my weight loss, and I have frozen up and not known how to respond to them... So, in regards to this fear, if someone confronts me or comments about my weight, my therapist told me to change the topic ASAP! I really hope I don't have to deal with this one, but I guess I will have to take the whole evening in stride!

On a slightly different note, I've made it through my first two days of teaching, and they have gone pretty well! Praise God! I feel like God has given me much grace to handle all of these changes! It is surely ONE DAY AT A TIME and ONE MOMENT AT A TIME! However, I have been relieved to see myself staying rather calm and peaceful in regards to my teaching position and my classroom management and all... I am still not sure why God has brought me back to the same school where I went for both Junior High and High School, but I know that He knows and that He has a plan! He has a good plan - a plan for a hope and a future!

In regards to ED, he has been and is fighting hard and screaming ever so loudly! However, I am trying to stand up to him. I am trying to follow my meal plan, learn to trust it, and respect my light exercise privileges, but there is so much raging within me...
I know that in some ways I am just muscling my way through the eating part - which is quite mechanical, but both my therapist and dietitian told me that they are just glad that I am doing my best to work recovery at this stage - even though I am eating pretty much the same thing everyday which is the lowest meal plan I can be on right now... I know that I have to at least get myself to do that if I am going to have enough strength to teach...

Now I can't say I've walked perfectly...

I know there is still such a battle going on in me between recovery and my eating disorder... I have acted out in some small ways but have also protected myself and stood up against ED in some pretty big ways! I am not sure how much longer I can fight the urge I have to go running though... I kind of want to bargain with my dietitian to try and get permission to run... I don't know though... Argh!

Also, I am completely terrified of tapering off of the Miralax I've needed to take for a while now... I haven't been asked to taper down below two doses a day, but I know that I probably need to try... I am so afraid that I will balloon (even more than I feel I have!) if I stop taking the Miralax...

Oh... I don't know...

There is just so much tension in me... I know I want to choose LIFE and really give RECOVERY a chance this time, but man! Such paradoxical things go through my head! I am so unhappy in my skin... Yuck!?!? I still feel like I need to lose a lot of weight... But, I also don't want to sabotage myself (my therapist warned me against this today!)... I kind of feel like I just need to scream!

Okay, maybe I won't scream... Maybe it will just come out in the form of a poem...

Feeling Complacent
By: Kim Hembry©

August 17, 2011

I want to try and hide-
The torment inside...

I'm afraid to reveal-

How I really feel...

There's so much tucked away-
So much pain...

I'm not sure what will rise-

Or what will surprise-

Me, if I open the lock-

Will I stand in shock?

Will I be overwhelmed if

Finally, I delve-

Into the depths of my soul,

And what lies below-

The surface, the facade,

The sweet grin and nod?

What will rise to the top-
If I take the lid off?

And with just a small thought-

Much anxiety daunts...

I must pray and breathe deep-
As I seek after peace...

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - ... Sigh...

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