A couple of poems I haven't yet posted...

"Mental Overdrive"
By: Kim Hembry©
March 19, 2012

Relentless thoughts invade my mind...
Tossing and turning on the inside...
It's overwhelming.

I feel torn between life, unwilling to cave...
Battling the tormenting pleas - can't seem to behave...
It's gaining strength.

The demands are so strict and won't compromise...
Deep down I don't want to be Ed's demise...
I'm straining for breath.

Yet I try to keep "face" and hide all the pain-
That rages within me; I don't want death to reign...
It's all so intense.

I gasp in disgust as my reflection stares back...
I'm repulsed by a glimpse of the mirror's attack...
I'm shrinking away.

I question whether or not all this will end...
It seems to rise up again and again...
Sometimes I feel hopeless.

Yet I'll lift up my head and refuse to give up...
I'll choose to press on though to do so is tough...
There's too much at stake.


"Battle Cry"
By: Kim Hembry©
March 25, 2012

There's an aching in my heart-
And a breaking in my soul...
So much is stirring within me-
He's promised to make me whole...

The battle that rages within me-
That tears me from within...
Sometimes it seems I'll never-
Come out on the other end...

I'm straining to stand tall-
And not relent the fight...
My flesh shall surely fail-
Yet God fills me with His might...

He's said He's overcome-
He's already conquered the world...
I will choose to claim this truth-
And press on toward the goal...

I won't let fear or doubt-
Come in and override...
I won't settle for defeat, lay down-
Or run and hide...

I will cling to truth-
And I will persevere...
I will surely win this fight-
For my God - my Victor - is HERE!


"Pressure Clench"
By: Kim Hembry©
June 3, 2012

A longing and yearning burn deep in me;
Some kind of emptiness is running deep...
Loneliness creeps in; clouds close overhead-
Yet... I look unto Him.

Feelings of shame accompany the pain-
Disgust and self-hate and such disdain...
I try to press on - never give up-
For... I know He's cleansed me.

A blanket of sadness wraps and engulfs;
The air seems thin, even taking in large gulps...
Yet I feel Him close - His gentle touch-
So... I'm enveloped in love.

Though the pressure's intense, binding me tight-
And the battle's rough - struggle to fight...
I'm reminded He's won - He's overcome-
So... I'll keep standing up.

I'll remind myself at the start of the day...
I'll cling to truth and choose to say-
He's God - the all-powerful One-
I'll fix my eyes on Him - in FAITH!

Wow! Someone's Been MIA... And Another Poem...

So... By the looks of it, I've been quite MIA! This past semester got busy fast -- So busy in fact, that I barely even realized I didn't take the time to blog... I guess it's because I didn't really feel like I had the time to take...

Anyway... Now teaching with my students has wrapped up for the year, and I am now trying to take a little time to "be". Deep down I know I need some quiet time in which I can be restored and refilled because I can honestly say I spread myself a little too thin this semester. (No pun intended!)

Recovery has been quite a feat throughout this semester... I'm still in the race, but I've hit some bumps along the way... Today's actually been a very bumpy day... Below you will find a poem I wrote this morning as I struggled to get up to face today...

"The Smile Hides"
By: Kim Hembry ©

The feelings of self disgust override-
The truth that must be locked inside...

The image reflected back at me-
Is repulsive--can't stand to see...

My jaw clenches tight and locks-
I feel stuck, trapped, and in shock...

My pants are tight; feel them touching me-
I need an escape, some kind of release...

The thoughts that run to and fro within-
They condemn me, saying, I'll never be thin...

I feel out of control, flailing about-
Somehow, it seems, there's no way out...

I'm ashamed of myself and what I've done-
I'm embarrassed to be exposed by the bright sun...

Eating feels like the most terrible choice-
I'm struggling to find the healthy voice...

I feel quite overwhelmed and distraught-
I can't seem to do the things I ought...

I'm afraid to speak up - tell what's inside-
Yet I know it won't help to run and hide...

I feel so close to falling off the edge-
Like I'm being dragged by one leg...

I feel like closing my eyes and going to sleep-
That maybe upon awakening, I'd find some peace...

Yet there's a deep rooted truth that quietly chimes in-
That says, "True peace is found in Him."...

That reminds me that I'm meant for so much more-
That says my value comes from the core...

Of who He made me to be - His child-
The one He chose to reconcile...

Yet with these truths rising up-
I still feel bound and oh so stuck...

I feel alone and tossed about in the waves-
A fresh breath of hope, surely I crave...

For no one knows that all this stirs inside-
For with a smile, I've leaned to hide...

The battle is quite intense right now, and though it's been an overall positive year of progress, there is still a long road ahead of me... I am trying to remind myself that it's...

ONE DAY AT A TIME...
ONE STEP AT A TIME...
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME...
And ONE BITE AT A TIME!

Brief update...

Here is a brief update...

I am happy to report I have had a few pretty great days this week! The week started off really rough and was an intense struggle, but I refused to give up! I am having to remind myself that this journey is one that requires immense patience and relentless perseverance and endurance. For me, those things are only restored and built up in me as I spend time with my Abba, who strengthens me for the battle...

I met with my therapist on Wednesday morning, and miraculously I was able to share with her all that I was struggling with, and she helped me to decipher my healthy voice from ED's voice... Since Wednesday, I have been doing my best to take each day, each step, each moment, and each bite at a time and trying to remind myself that even when I fall or take a few steps backward, I don't have to let frustration or defeat overwhelm me because what I learn from even the roughest of days can be used to catapult me along the road to recovery, healing, and freedom...

The same goes for any of you who may be reading!

Anyway, I just want to send a quick message out to any of you who needs a little encouragement wherever you are on your specific journey... Remember that each person's journey is UNIQUE just as each person is UNIQUE! The journey you are walking is not the same as mine, and mine is not the same as yours... However, we are able to come alongside one another with support and encouragement because we do walk similar journeys... Remember that you are WORTH the fight! You are WORTH recovery! You are WORTH so much MORE than ED has offered or could ever offer you! (I have to say this to myself a lot... Even though I struggle to believe it!) Your value is NOT found in any number, weight or size! You are VALUABLE because a Master Creator made you! Lastly, remember YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FIGHT ALONE! You are WORTH another person's time! Be willing to reach out when you need support! And finally... NEVER! NEVER! NO NEVER GIVE UP!

A poem of release and refocus... And the start of a new year!

Ready... Set... Go!
By: Kim Hembry ©
12/30/2011

Thoughts cross, making twisted patterns in my mind...
The tormenting pleas and condescending lies...
They won't relent... They seem to abide...

Incomparable comparisons persist night and day...
They're so strong and always prevail...
I just can't seem to get away...

From the ill-formed pleas...
From the dier demands...
Almost constantly I feel quite damned...

There is a piece of me that wants to comply...
Yet a voice rises up within...
It whispers a gentle truth inside...

One that says - "You've come too far...
No, don't go back!
Though you can't see it, you are in fact...

Worth something more - so much better...
You're meant to live and to know a peace...
To experience a richness of a life much greater...

So don't bow down in disgruntled defeat...
You mustn't give up... Please trust me!
There's too much at stake, so hope you must keep...

Each step is important and of great value...
Each moment counts... Time will prove...
If only you'll live and refuse to lose...

Pick up your head and look to the King...
You were never meant to fight solely...
You are being fought for - Will you believe?

Just take a deep breath and never relent...
Though the road has bumps, it's worth traveling...
Keep your eyes fixed... On Him keep your gaze!

You can press on in the strength of the Lord...
You can keep fighting, and Him you'll adore...
Breath in His Spirit and see what's in store...

There's a place up ahead that you've yet to know...
You will see it as you choose to step forth...
Take one step, dear one... READY, SET, GO!

I wrote this poem two days ago after a very intense day of struggle and fight... I was feeling so overcome by the eating disorder... Praise the Lord for a dear friend who helped me decipher what was going on in my head, who helped me separate truth from lies!

I am in awe that a new year has now dawned... During many stages of my life, I never thought I would see the year 2012, but praise be to God that He has sustained me and continued to declare His purposes over my life...

As this new year dawns, I desire for it to be the best one yet for me! The road to recovery is still very trying, but I know it is worth pressing on! I have made the decision to leave last year behind and walk into this year aware of great opportunity and possibility for growth, change, and a greater freedom than I've ever known!

In Isaiah 43, there is a set of verses that challenge us to leave the former things behind and to look ahead to what God has in store... He promises to make a way in the desert and says that He is doing a new thing... I am choosing to claim this truth as my own this year! I do not want to get stuck dwelling on the failures and struggles of the past... I want to embrace the start of a new year and embrace the idea that all things are being made new! I want to be open to all that God desires to teach and show me this year, and I desire to enjoy the process and the journey, recognizing that each moment counts and is valuable in the process of BECOMING!

I will choose to dream big - to persevere - to overcome - in the strength of my dear Abba...

ONE DAY AT A TIME!
ONE STEP AT A TIME!
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!
ONE BITE AT A TIME!

What about you?

An update and some pondering...

It's actually been quite a while since I last posted... Probably too long!

Things have been going alright. I have hit certain bumps on the road to recovery, but I have continued to press forward. I have had slips and falls, but my choice has been to get back up again.

On Friday, I saw both my therapist and dietitians. Praise be to God that He is making a way for me to be able to keep seeing them. When I saw my therapist I took a picture with me that I had drawn. She dissected it... As she looked at it, she said a word... A word that I believe is worth pondering... That word was "BECOMING"... She toldme that I was in a season of becoming and that I should see myself in that place rather than in the extremes of pass and fail... Rather than achieve or be a failure... Rather than black and white... Rather than old and new... Rather than was and is and will be... To see myself in a place of BECOMING...

Truly this word brings up a sense of empowerment. I'm not sure if I am understanding all that it encompasses or not, but as I think about being in a season of becoming, there seems to be a pressure that is lifted off of me... To be in a season of becoming may be where I am for the rest of my life, but as I think about it, that may not be a bad thing...

To choose to be in a season of becoming would mean that certain expectations would fade away... It would mean that certain pressures would be minimized... Choosing to be in a season of becoming means accepting the place where I am on the way to where I am going... It means choosing contentment during the process... It means some gray area... It means understanding that there is give and take... Both steps forward and steps back... It means choosing to believe that each moment is valuable in the big picture... It means choosing to extend grace and mercy to myself on this journey, realizing that perfection is not the expectation... It is choosing to believe that both the victories and the failures help to prepare me for the future that awaits me... It means choosing to extend patience along this journey... It means accepting the process and trusting it is going at the right pace... Wow! Overall it seems like a pretty incredible set of possibilities!

So often I get stuck in a place of such high expectation which leads me into a place of feeling defeated and like a failure and overcome... However, being in a season of becoming seems to provide room for progress, knowledge, learning, and patience...

I think all of what I have written is some of what my therapist was wanting me to see and understand... I believe she desires to see me at a place of acceptance for each day that I face... To be in a season of becoming provides such liberty... It nullifies so many of the "have-to's", "should's", and "ought's."

I will latch onto this new idea as I keep taking this journey one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one bite at a time!

An update.. and a poem written after a fall...

It has been a while since I posted...

Recovery is a journey for sure! One of ups and downs! One with twists and turns! One that is uncertain! One that is both exciting and frightening at the same time!

Toward the end of Thanksgiving week, I began slipping backward quite rapidly... I couldn't understand it at first, but then after meeting with my therapist and dietitian, I was able to realize that many triggers were present and I was reacting out of old comforts... Even as realization of triggers came, the battle and struggle seemed only to intensify... However, God didn't let me completely sink!

I hit several hopeless days on the journey over the past two weeks, but praise be to God that His mercy is new every morning! I am thankful for my team... They have come alongside me in truth and in love to help me press on through this roadblock and stumbling block...

Friday, a new tenacity (I believe from the Lord) began to rise up in me to do all I could that day to stand up to ED -- to do all I could and to let God do all He desired in me to keep ED from swaying me further off course... I knew deep down I did NOT want to spiral backward completely... By the grace of God and through much support, I met the requirements of my meal plan that day!

I continued pressing on in the fight on Saturday and did pretty well, but that night ED seemed to have gotten the best of me... That's when I wrote this...

Frustrated Awe
By: Kim Hembry©
11/10/2011

So overcome by shame and guilt
I am shadowed in darkness

So overwhelmed by ED's strong pleas
I can't believe how I fell

The darkness clouded and overcame -
Me without remorse. I feel lost

The tormenting sound of screeching demands
I am saddened by the taunting

It seemed it was the only response
Yet now I realize it was NOT

An extra large failure... a sure letdown...
I am disappointed in myself

ED overcame and took way too much
It is frustrating to see this

I want to scream yet feel my voice is silenced
I am struck by deep remorse

For falling for the taunting pleas
For failing to supersede

I have fallen prey to the sickening cries
I have landed on my face

I am sunken within and feel without escape
I am longing for amazing grace

To descend upon me - to bring me a peace
I need the Abba's love to surround me

Take my hand and don't let me lose
I want to know what You have in store

Take my hand and walk beside me
I am in awe of Your love

This was how I processed what seemed to be like a pretty large fall on Saturday, and I am happy to report that God has come to my aide...

I was able to restart yesterday -- to jump back on the recovery bandwagon! I met all of my exchange requirements yesterday! It took a lot of fight and relentless perseverance, but at the end of the day, it all came together...

Deep down I know I want to keep walking this road and continue on this journey to recovery... I want to know and experience a life I've yet to know...

I will not lose heart as this journey continues... I will not quit nor give up! For my strength is renewed by the One who lives within me! I will not be overcome and overruled by ED... I have been made to conquer and to overcome! Though I may feel tired and weary of the fight, I will remember that my Abba's strength is perfected in my weakness... I will remember that it is the TRUTH that shall continue setting me free! I must remind myself that my value and worth are not found in my reflection nor in a number that blinks on a scale... I must remember that I have been designed as a unique work-of-art by the Master Artist with unparalleled gifts and talents meant to be shared with the world!

If you are walking a similar journey, I beg of you that you wouldn't give up! Keep fighting! Keep pressing on! YOU ARE WORTH IT! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WORTH IT!

Let's take this journey one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one bite at a time...

Poem I wrote last night... It's been a long week!

Below is a poem I wrote last night...

It has a been a rough week as far as recovery and life go... However, I am not going to lose heart!
Writing this poem helped me to get regrounded!

There is still a lot to catch up on as well, so my hope is to post an entry later today...

Until then, hope you enjoy...

Introspective Grounding
By: Kim Hembry©
December 1, 2011

ED’s cunning voice beckons
It’s longing for peace
It’s screaming and chanting
Deep within me

ED’s pleas increase
They become louder
The strict demands
Start to devour

I gasp for a breath
In need of a break
I reach out for help
For my own sake

Yet ED taunts and jeers
Surrounding with threats
Tears start to fall
To him, I’m in debt

He tries to convince me
To yield to his cry
He tries to keep me
Trapped in the lies

Yet there is One
Who will overcome
His name is Jesus
He’s God’s only Son

He came down to earth
He lived and He died
He bore all my pain
So I could have life

He took my place
When He died on the cross
He paid all my debt
And spared me the loss

He’s the reason I fight
He’s the reason I stand
Though at times I feel dry
He’s sustaining my hand

This journey is long
Still uncertain of time
This is such a battle
I strain toward lasting life

Though the struggle persists
And the journey goes on
I won’t lose heart
I’ll look to the Son

Take hold of me
As You hear my strong pleas
Help me to stand
Don't let ED overtake me

For I will endure
In the strength of the Lord
I won’t lose heart
I’ll gladly stand up

For the time is right now
Fear won't overrule
I will lift up my eyes
To the Lover of my soul!