A little update... It is getting harder...

So... Treatment has been super hard this week... Actually, it has just been super hard for a long time! I knew that coming here was not going to be easy, but the intensity of this battle seems to have increased over the past week and a half... I know that I am making progress each day, but I did not expect to be bombarded with such intensity and torment from my eating disorder at this point... I know that ED is only trying to fight back because I have been fighting against him... He doesn't want to lose any ground in my life...

One thing that has contributed to the heightened intensity of this battle and fight is that my body has been gaining more weight than what would be normal... Personally, I was not okay or content with my weight before I came into treatment, and gaining weight is only making that worse... I am not okay with gaining weight right now... I am afraid that I won't stop gaining weight... I feel like my eating disorder was kinda right when he told me that I would only get fatter by coming into treatment again... However, I know I need to keep battling that thought... I need to reframe it and say that the goal of treatment is not to make me fat but rather to nourish my body and restore the nutrients it needs to function properly... It is hard to say that and even harder to believe that right now, but I know I need to keep repeating it over and over and over again...

Another thing that is still SOOOOOOO oppressive is the voice that says that I am not allowed to eat, that I don't deserve to eat, that all food is unsafe... I am respecting the recommendations of my treatment team and have not thrown a fit about my meal plan, but I have been feeling like more guilt and shame pile on me with each passing meal, with each passing bite... I know that is how ED wants me to feel... I am struggling to break out of this mindset though! I know it needs to be broken in order for me to know recovery and to walk in it... However, I feel stumped to a certain point... I keep saying, "Food is the medicine I need to get well," and "Food is the fuel my body needs to function properly," but the mind transformation part is still super delayed...

Okay, well my night time meds have surely kicked in, and I am about to fall asleep, so I will wrap up this post for now...

I will keep fighting in this battle! I will not relent or give up! I will press on...

ONE DAY AT A TIME!

ONE STEP AT A TIME!

ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!

ONE BITE AT A TIME!

I will try to extend grace and patience to my body as well as to this process of recovery...