I'm struggling to be in my skin today - OH SO BADLY! I feel soooooo FAT and OVERWEIGHT! And guess what? Today was cafeteria day and also a challenge food day... I had to get a dessert with my meal... I guess at least I was able to choose some kind of dessert that I actually liked - that tasted good to me...
(Written after facing a very challenging lunch)
One bite at a time, I finished my lunch, but I have so much operating in me right now... I feel like I need to throw up or run or not eat anything else for a while... I was grateful that one of the staff let me downsize my portion sizes from what was served to me in order to more closely reflect the parameters of my meal plan... However, it was still sooooooooooo hard to get all of that food in me! Then... I still had a piece of chocolate cheesecake to eat... At least it tasted really good... However, I feel SO SO SO guilty and ashamed for eating all that I did...
Actually, I feel guilty for eating at all right now - for putting any food in me - for putting any food in my mouth... I still feel like all food is unsafe... And I don't know how to get out of this mindset (which actually kind of scares me). I asked to meet with the dietitian one on one today, and she said we could, but then time didn't allow for it... I know there needs to be a shift in my mind in regards to food because I'm not sure how to view or deal with food right now... I feel like I just make choices based on what food groups I have to cover, and since I feel like nothing is allowed anyway, I just do what's required... Somehow that doesn't seem good enough or like what I need to do to get well...
I also feel like the "to Hell with it all" attitude rises up in me - like I have to eat all of this shitty food that makes me constantly fail, and constant shame and guilt plague me and go with me, piling up with every bite... Like today, I thought to myself, "Well, HELL! I have to eat all of this food anyway, so why not just really do it 'RIGHT' and have the damn piece of chocolate cheesecake as my challenge food (I have to choose a ****in dessert anyway!)... At least it will taste good..." AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Well, I somehow survived and made it through all of that meal... Some anger initially rose up in me as I finished, and I crushed two cups as a positive form of release, but I guess more anger and frustration wound up getting bottled up inside of me... I thought I let it out when I went to art therapy, but at dinner, so much resurfaced... I struggled SOOOOOO hard to get through dinner... As I was finishing, tears began to pour from my eyes... As the staff and my peers asked what my tears meant, I shared with them that I was continually pissed off that I have to eat so much when I am never hungry, how I feel like I am constantly breaking the rules with every bite, how I feel like since I am not allowed any food at all, guilt and shame have been piled up on me since the time I came into treatment and have made me feel even worse about myself, how I feel like with every meal I am failing, how I am tired of the intensity of the fight and battle, how a peer (who meant well) told me that if I gained some extra weight while in treatment, I could lose it when I get out which caused more tears to come out... I shared how that was not beneficial to receive that feedback, but rather, it fostered fear in me... I shared how I was afraid because deep down I really want recovery and have realized that I've never walked in recovery from my eating disorder... Never in my whole life have I experienced real recovery... I shared how I know deep down, I want life, but that I am afraid if certain shifts aren't made, I won't be able to maintain what's been started and then I will fail my parents and myself yet again... As I shared these things and more, tears continued to stream down my face...
Just as we finished up our last therapeutic meal (aka: dinner) for the day, it was time for the ANAD meeting, which I went to... I didn't talk much, but I needed to be there to protect myself...
I guess all in all, the day was victorious, but I don't feel very good about it...
I will keep pressing on... I will keep fighting... I won't give up...
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