Thursday, July 14, 2011

A pretty good but rather hard day in treatment...

So... I will say that I am glad to be able to blog again! Now that I am in Partial and not IP, I get a little freedom!

Yesterday seemed to be a pivotal day for me... The previous several days were super difficult, and I felt so defeated! However, after letting some things that my treatment team told me sink in, after processing some things with the other women in the program, and after a very powerful art therapy exercise, I was able to realize that what was said to me was very true and quite relevant... I was able to see that I have been setting super high expectations on myself and have been letting perfectionism run rampant... I chose to be willing to let go of the unrealistic expectations I have been placing on myself in terms of treatment right now, and in turn, accept that to show up each day with willingness, openness, and honesty is enough! I also committed to doing my best to stay present!

After making that commitment yesterday, I started out my day with this declaration:

I am willing to show up and to be here today. I am willing to face each step that awaits me today. I am open to receiving feedback and being challenged today. I am willing to be honest with myself, with my peers, and with the treatment team. I am willing to stay grounded and to be present today, to take each step in stride, and to stay in each present moment. I am willing to accept the progress that today holds, and I am willing to value even the smallest of steps taken forward. Staying willing, open, and honest are the things I will value today. And they will be enough!

The following devotion really spoke to me today too! It seemed to be very appropriate for me today! "Keep walking with Me along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart. I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain. The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak. Someday you will dance lightfooted on the high peaks; but for now, your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction. Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling surprises just around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of LIFE!"

I do believe that this time in treatment is part of God's path for me right now... Some may disagree, but I believe that God is using this time as a very valuable tool to save me and to teach me how to live in a way that I have never known. He is desiring to teach me how to love and take care of myself, so that I can truly love and take care of others in a way that I have never experienced before! I feel very confident in the program and in the treatment team, and I am trying my best to surrender daily to what is asked of me and to keep my heart in a good place...

As I read the following passage of scripture today, I felt even more convinced that God's hand is in this somehow... "Keep me safe, O God, I've run for dear life to You. I say to God, "Be my Lord!" Without You, nothing makes sense... My choice is You, God, first and only. And now I find I'm Your choice! You set me up with a house and yard. And then You made me Your heir! The wise counsel God gives when I'm awake is confirmed by my sleeping heart. Day and night I'll stick with God; I've got a good thing going and I'm not letting go. I'm happy from the outside in, I'm firmly formed. You canceled my ticket to hell - that's not my destination! Now You've got my feet on the life path, all radiant from the shining of Your face. Ever since You took my hand, I'm on the right way." (Psalm 16, MSG) Wow! I am trying to trust Him in a way that I never have before, and honestly, it hasn't been easy, but I know that He has good plans for me, so I must keep choosing to stand up and face each day in His strength!

(Written later)

So... today in treatment has actually gone pretty well so far. I feel like getting myself grounded this morning and choosing to accept my willingness, openness, and honesty as enough for today made a big difference as I reflected on the internal shift I was able to make yesterday...

Each week here in treatment, we have to face either a challenge food or a challenge meal... Well, today was a challenge meal... I didn't know what to expect, and I wasn't sure how to handle it... All food is unsafe for me still... However, though I was filled with anxiety and fear about several things, I tried to stop and reframe what was rising up in me to build me up to face whatever would be sat before me... I keep replaying the following things through my mind as the time for our challenge meal neared: "Food is the medicine I need to get well. One meal will not make me gain weight. I will be patient with myself, with my body, and with the process."

As I neared the dining area, smells gave way to what we were going to have to eat... When we walked in, we were faced with hamburgers, waffle fries, and soda... AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I had to start letting that positive tape replay over and over and over again... Somehow, God helped me to stay present in the moment, to stay engaged in conversation with my peers, and to get through that meal! Whoa! I never dreamed of that! But, I made it... I don't plan on doing that again anytime soon, but there was a sense of feeling empowered as I endured what seemed impossible... Really, every meal made up of solid foods seems impossible to me, but I am trying to view each meal as an opportunity for victory... It is a struggle, but I know I need to persevere!

There is still A LOT going on in me, and there are many reservations I have right now about my meal plan and my weight, but I will try not to let them overwhelm me at this point in recovery... I will keep saying:





1 comment:

  1. what an incredible committment and declaration you made to yourself, to your team and to your peers.... i'm so proud of you. keep up the great work you are doing Kim! God bless you! love ya!