Well... Once again I will start off today with gratitude - thankful that the mercies of God are new for me! I struggled to make it through the day yesterday, but in the end, I made it! In regards to my intake, I didn't make any progress from the prior day... I still only got two rounds of intake in me... Which I know is no where near sufficient or enough, but it's better than nothing...
As this new days dawns, overall I am pretty optimistic and positive when it comes to the mental and emotional side of it all... Depression doesn't seem to be the defining and overpowering source today. (Maybe my new meds are starting to kick in! Haha!) However, there is a lack of motivation to put anything in my body... I am fighting some of the former comforts that ED offers me... I've been feeling better since I haven't been getting in as much intake (though I know I better not entertain that thought and feeling too much).. I have liked the feeling of emptiness, but I know I have to stand up and let TRUTH prevail because the familiar comforts are really not comforts in the long run - they are disguised harms... I know that where I am on this journey is a pivotal place - a crucial point - that my decisions and choices to press on are really invaluable... To choose to stand up to the lies - to the demands - to the cunning pleas of ED - is vital right now... However I know that the only way I can even be strong enough and courageous enough to try and stand up to what so much of me is longing to have is to go before my Abba and seek His face - to go into the presence of His Light - His Light of Love - His Light of Truth! I will run to Him in this moment and let Him prepare me for this day that awaits me... I need to run to His open arms because anxiety about the choices of today begins to rise up in me...
My devotional for today speaks to the very thing I just mentioned!
"Rest in Me, My child. Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen. Pray continually, asking My Spirit to take charge of the details of this day. Remember that you are on a journey with Me. When you try to peer into the future and plan from every possibility, you ignore your constant companion who sustains you moment by moment. As you gaze anxiously into the distance, you don't even feel the strong grip of my hand holding yours. Remembrance of Me is a daily discipline. Never lose sight of My Presence with you. This will keep you resting in Me all day, every day."
One of the things that stands out to me here in this devotional is that I am reminded that I am on a journey! I am on a journey with my Abba! I am on a journey to RECOVERY, a journey of HEALING, a journey to FREEDOM, a journey to WHOLENESS, a journey of receiving and extending LOVE!
Some journeys are long, some short. Some journeys are terribly strenuous, others more easily walked. However, no matter whether a journey is short or long, most of the time, unexpected things are encountered at many points on the road. Sometimes there are great stumbling blocks that must be overcome to continue on in the journey. Sometimes barriers are encountered , and they must be broken down in order to continue. Taking the time to remember that there are many facets to be considered when we are on a journey reminds me that at the end of every journey, if the person walking it doesn't quit or give up, there is usually the point at which one arrives to a beautiful destination with a beautiful and clearer perspective.
I think about hiking and climbing in the mountains (something I love to do!)... It isn't until you've overcome all of the obstacles on the way to the top that it really pays off! But, if you keep going even when the air gets thinner and it's harder to breathe, you will reach the top and will be able to see more than you even imagined! There is value to each journey! I must remember that!
As I press on in this journey, I will choose to believe that it is invaluable - that it is worth walking no matter what kind of obstacles are encountered or how many detours I have to take. I will say as the Psalmist David did in Psalm 62:5-8... "My soul, wait only upon God and silently submit to Him; for my HOPE and expectation are from Him. He only is my ROCK and my SALVATION; He is my DEFENSE and my FORTRESS, I shall not be moved. With God rest my salvation and my glory; He is my ROCK and unyielding STRENGTH and impenetrable hardness, and my REFUGE is in God! Trust in, lean on, rely on, and have confidence in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before HIm. God is a REFUGE for us (a FORTRESS and a HIGH TOWER). Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!"
In my God - in Him alone - can I press on and not give up! I will look to Him in confident assurance for STRENGTH as I take each step ahead of me. I will not put a time restraint on this journey, but I will be patient with the process. I will not expect perfection, but I will value progress. I may not see visual progress each day, but I will try and value each day on this journey.
As I get ready to trust in my God - my REFUGE - for the strength required to prepare my first round of intake and to then take it in, I will cling to TRUTH. I will choose to fight because I don't fight alone. I will choose to do what doesn't feel good or comfortable in this moment because I desire to walk in health and wholeness. I will take today in stride. I will not gauge the schedule of the whole day, but I will take each step of today's journey as it comes by keeping my eyes fixed on my Abba. I will press on!
ONE DAY AT A TIME!
ONE STEP AT A TIME!
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!
ONE SIP AT A TIME!
Him in me = my HOPE of GLORY!
Only through moment by moment dependence on my Rock will I make it through today!
Well, I am making it through today... It has been a long day! I have been running errands and straightening out insurance issues all the while trying to face some of my intake... I have currently made it through two rounds of intake, and I am trying to face a third before I call it a day and hit the hay! Only in His strength will I prevail!
Though it has been an intense struggle and fight to choose LIFE again today, I have chosen to press on, and I will choose to view the decision to show up and press on as a victory for today! I will keep saying, "Progress... NOT perfection!"