Today started off with counseling. It was a good session! We are getting into some of the deeply rooted and tangled ropes that have held me bound for sooooooooooo long... There is a lot of work and processing that I have to do outside of my sessions to keep this healing journey on the up and up... However, I will be seeing my counselor twice a week for now because it is crucial to this process and since I have been struggling so much... I really need to be dedicated to self-discovery and to digging deep into the treasure box (or horror box) of memories. The emotional and psychological sides are vital to this process right now as we delve into the hidden layers of the struggle that are impeding my ability to carry out the practical side of recovery in regard to nourishment and intake...
So... I just left my nutritionist’s office, and yes, it was kind of a rude awakening... I received some hard truth, but honestly, I am struggling to accept what I was told today... Like I mentioned earlier, it has been over two weeks since I have made it through all five rounds of my intake...
As my nutritionist and I discussed the reasons why I have struggled so much to make it through, I shared with her the things ED has been telling me and the regulations that have been put into place from his side... I told her how I had set a couple of goals with my mentor to try and break the power of the lies that have been beckoning, but that I was really having a hard time fighting his voices and standing up to him...
Then it started to come... The not-so-welcome criticism that I needed to hear... My nutritionist asked me which voice I wanted to listen to... I told her that deep down, I know that I want to listen to the voice of TRUTH... She asked me which one I have been listening to... I knew where that was going, so I told her that I had been giving too much room to ED’s voice... That I had been succumbing to his pleas...
As we continued to talk about ED’s voice in regards to my intake, she began to tell me that my five rounds of intake are already at a bare minimum of what I really need and that they are NOT optional... That there is NO wiggle room... That I am already in deprivation with the level of intake I have been prescribed for my height and build... (I think that was when the first of many internal screams resounded: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!?!?!?!?!?) She told me that my level of intake was already lower than what the average person would be taking in in order to diet... She told me that the fight that ED is putting up against me regarding my intake plan is IRRATIONAL since my body is already being deprived of what it really needs... (Several internal screams continued to resound.) I explained that I was also struggling to really let go of ED completely... That is when more hard truth inevitably spilled forth...
I sat there silently... Hearing all that my nutritionist had to say and really trying to listen and receive it... She asked me if I was able to go out to a restaurant with any of my friends right now... I told her that I had gone to a few restaurants to socialize over the past couple of months or so... She then asked me if I had been able to get anything... I told her that I hadn’t, that I had occasionally taken in a cup of my supplement with me though... That was it! (More internal screaming!) That is when she told me that even to commit to getting all of my intake in did not mean that I was losing ED completely... That he was still there... Still there limiting me to an all liquid form of intake that is still not enough for my body and is thus deprivation and that he is isolating and secluding me... She asked me if he had taken enough already? She even told me that ED could stay there, but that he needed to be shelfed for now... She told me that she was going to be a little tougher because she could see that I needed help trying to shelf him...
She continued to tell me that because my intake was the bare minimum already, that when I believe that it is okay to alter it or to change it up, then I am not choosing RECOVERY, that I am choosing to empower ED... (AAAAHHHHHHHHHH)
She then asked me about my morning routine as of right now... As we talked about what time I get up and what usually takes place at that point, she told me that tomorrow once I get up, that within the first hour of being up, I need to start taking in my first round of intake and then to follow up with each subsequent round every two hours... ED was shouting and running rampant, saying, “You are way too FAT for that... You only thought you looked bad now, just wait... Get ready... You are going to get even bigger if you take in all of that...” (More internal screaming!) I really had to fight those voices... And it feels like I will be fighting them for an eternity!
She continued to emphasize that my level of intake was NOT optional right now... That there was NO room to take anything out... That she was hoping to be able to move me ahead and forward - onward in this journey... (AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!?!?!?!) The thought of adding more terrifies me... What the heck, taking in the current amount terrifies me!
However, she said she was confident that I would be able to do it since I had a good report for the first few weeks... She also kept emphasizing the fact that I needed to start facing the first round within my first hour of being awake... She told me she wants me to keep good contact with her throughout the week via e-mails, that she will expect to hear from me tomorrow... (More internal screams resounded!)
As we changed the subject for just a bit, she told me that she really enjoyed reading a couple of the poems that I sent her and asked me if I had thought about publishing... That was a good distraction... Phew! A little relief... We talked about my passion for writing... She then asked me if there was anything else new taking place... I told her that I had just accepted the position to teach Spanish and had signed my contract... I also told her about another small part-time job that I would probably be starting soon... That brought us back to the discussion about recovery and intake... She told me that she was excited for me as she could see all of the possibilities within me... But... She then told me that I needed to make RECOVERY number one right now, and that with what I had shared with her in terms of jobs and knowing that I have recently moved to my own apartment, I should be careful not to take on TOO much... As she touched on this, she said that to give out and constantly produce but not take in was not healthy for anybody, to demand my mind and body to function and to keep up yet to deprive them was not healthy!
As my appointment came to a close, she told me that I had the right to stand up to ED... That it is my body that will have to suffer the consequences if I don’t choose to at least stand up to ED to get in my intake... She must have felt the need to reinforce the fact that I have the right to choose to stand up to ED - that it is my life - because she echoed herself... She also said that with me taking the teaching position, that there was also a responsibility for me to recognize that I have the right to take care of me because the students will deserve a fully-functioning “ME”.
As I got ready to leave, she told me that she would wait to hear from me tomorrow and that to remember that my first round needed to be faced within the first hour of being awake... (Intense internal screaming resounded as I left her office!)
WOW! That was an intense session! Everything fought against me as I considered to face the second round of intake that I had originally planned on facing... ED was shouting and ranting with such tenacity... In that moment, I all I wanted to do was escape - to run away...
I will admit that I am currently fighting so hard... ED is overpowering me and convincing me that since their is no more wiggle room as of tomorrow, that means I can deal with tonight however I need to... I am trying to keep myself from buying into that too much and reacting stupidly, but I am struggling to fight it... That’s for sure...
I am WAY overwhelmed right now! SUPER DUPER OVERWHELMED! I don’t know how I will face tomorrow morning... But I will face tomorrow morning when I wake up... I can’t get too caught up in that tonight...
I am still screaming inside! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will pray and breathe in this moment... I will claim peace in this moment... Anxiety will go down in the name of Jesus... I will be okay... I will be okay... I will be okay...
For anybody who may read this, prayers would be greatly appreciated as I try to recommit to recovery... I will only be able to press in my Abba's STRENGTH!
I will choose LIFE!
I will choose LIFE!
I will choose LIFE!
ONE DAY AT A TIME!
ONE STEP AT A TIME!
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!
ONE ROUND AT A TIME!
ONE SIP AT A TIME!
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