"But as for me, I will look to the Lord and confident in Him I will keep watch; I will wait with hope and expectancy for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me. Rejoice not against me, O my enemy! When I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light to me...He will bring me forth to the light, and I shall behold His righteous deliverance."
Monday, June 6, 2011
The CHOICE to press on in this journey to RECOVERY! Week 5 continues...
It is a new day... However, what is so frustrating is that once again, I have no motivation to make a stride forward to start off today. I feel like ED has paired up with depression, and they are both working overtime to try and paralyze me from pressing on and trying to keep me from recognizing the choice that I have to choose LIFE! However, in the midst of this torment, trial, and intense struggle, I long to try and choose JOY - God's JOY - that can be STRENGTH for me in the journey of today... Though my mind and body fight me, I will try to turn quickly to my Abba this morning because I know that if I don't, I will be overcome by the power of ED, anxiety, and depression, and I won't be able to get started.
I will choose to turn to my Abba... I will do my best to forget what lies behind and press on in this race (for my LIFE) to receive the incorruptible crown. I will choose early that I won't relent today! Though I am battling with not believing for feeling like my life is worth fighting for, I will cling to the TRUTH of God's Word that says that I am valued above the most precious of jewels, that I have been chosen since before the foundation of the earth, that my name is written on the palm of my Abba's hand! I will choose to believe that what God's Word says is TRUE, and though I struggle to believe the truth for myself, I will keep speaking it so as to fight all of the lies that ED is spewing over me.
What I read in my devotional today is what I am trying to do this morning...
"SEEK MY FACE, and you will find fulfillment of your deepest longings. My world is filled with beautiful things; they are meant to be pointers to Me, reminders of My abiding Presence. The earth sill declares My Glory to those who have eyes that see and ears that hear. You had a darkened mind before you sought Me wholeheartedly. I chose to pour My Light into you, so that you can be a beacon to others. There is no room for pride in this position. Your part is to reflect My Glory. I am the Lord!"
I know that in the depth and core of my being, to be God's beacon of Light is my desire - to reflect Him by knowing Him and coming before Him in His presence - to be filled and to make Him known! I know that He already lives within me, and though I am fighting each day to survive and save the LIFE that He believes is worth saving, I know that others can still see the Light in me, that His Light has not been completely quenched. Others make reference to the Light that radiates from me... However, when I look into my eyes, I don't see that Light like I have once seen before. I see the strain and struggle and pain of fighting - day in and day out! I see the struggle that exists within me - the longing to be all that God desires for me to be and also the fear of really letting go of ED. I see the torment that is taking place on the inside...
I will choose to grasp ahold of the TRUTH th
at God - He who lives in me - is STRONGER and GREATER than whatever may be coming against me! I will choose to declare that HE WHO LIVES IN ME IS GREATER THAN THE VOICE AND POWER OF ED! The more I say it, the more it will be able to sink in! The voice of TRUTH will get louder as I yield to it - over the voice of lies... But still, the struggle remains...
Though the intensity of this battle (in its fifth week) hasn't seemed to let up but rather to increase, I will receive the charge from Psalm 105:4 and make it a goal each day - numerous times each day! "Seek, inquire of and for the Lord, and crave Him and His strength (His might and inflexibility to temptation); seek and require His face and His presence [continually] evermore." Truly, He is the only reason I have been able to press on! He must be sought continually in order for me not to give up the fight right now! I am craving more of Him and His strength as facing the first round of intake for today draws nearer.
I will also claim the promise found in Isaiah 60:2. "For behold, darkness shall cover the earth, and dense darkness [all] peoples, but the Lord shall arise upon you [O Jerusalem], and His glory shall be seen on you." The more I stand up and choose to press on in this journey, the more I am yielding to and choosing the LIGHT of my Abba. The darkness that was and has been WILL be replaced by HIS LIGHT - the LIGHT of LIFE! I will choose to believe that even though I sit in darkness, His LIGHT shall prevail! Because my Lord is the Light of the world and I have His Spirit living within me, I will choose to believe that even when I feel enveloped by darkness, His light is breaking through. For in the presence of LIGHT, darkness must flee! The thickest of darkness cannot overpower the dimmest of lights!
In this moment, I will choose to open myself up and invite God's strength and Spirit to overflow and fill me, so I can press on today! I will choose to view the many setbacks from the past several days as potential catalysts that will propel me onward on this journey. I will do my best not to expect or demand perfection from myself as I get started today. I will choose to come alongside my Abba who says that I have been made worthy in Him, and I will choose to fight for this LIFE (in hopes that I will see the value in it!). I will take today in stride... ONE STEP AT A TIME! ONE MOMENT AT A TIME! I will value even the smallest steps of progress because they will lead me into FREEDOM. I will not be overwhelmed or anxious because I will claim the PEACE of my God - the PEACE that goes beyond all of my comprehension! I will press on! I will reach out, so I don't act out! I will stand back up when I fall because I will not accept defeat! I have been called to OVERCOME and to CONQUER -
not in my own strength but - in HIS STRENGTH! As I face the first round of intake for today, I will take it in stride... ONE SIP AT A TIME! I WILL CHOOSE LIFE in this moment!
I will speak the verses from Micah 7:7-9 in boldness and with confidence as I press on today!
Even though it took me a long time, I got the first round of intake down for today! As the time nears for me to take another step to nourish my body and brain, I will cling to the TRUTH, I will breathe in PEACE, I will operate in HIS STRENGTH, I will take in in stride!
So... I have pressed on in the AMAZING strength of m Abba today! He has sustained me, and He has helped me to finish three rounds of intake so far. That's a half a round more than yesterday!
Also, I went to the ED group this evening. I was so nervous to go - my stomach was in knots, but I went anyway. There was another woman there who was new to the group too. We seem to have similar struggles right now... I felt kind of awkward to open up too much, but I did share some. In the end, I was glad I went! The woman leading the group touched on one thing that I desperately needed to hear again... She talked about our value - the worth behind our lives. She talked about the recognition and acceptance of our value being central to our recovery. Also, it was good to be with other people who understand this struggle and this battle. It was inspiring to hear some of the ladies share about their own walks and journeys in RECOVERY.
As I continue on in the journey of today (or rather the journey of tonight), my goal is to finish one more round of intake for the day. When I say that, so much resistance builds up within me, so many thoughts come like a flood in my mind, but I will pray and breathe in this moment. I will press on, and I will let God build His strength in me, so I can move forward tonight. Just one more step. I will take it in stride ~ ONE SIP AT A TIME! I will fight off the negative talk going on in my head, and I will try to speak TRUTH... I will not give up!