Sunday, June 5, 2011

Week 5 continues... It's been an intense day! But I am trying to press on!

To face today seems too daunting. I really just feel like curling up in my bed and staying there today. I am really lacking the desire to press on and move forward this morning. I tossed and turned until about six this morning and then finally fell asleep until a little after nine. That already puts me off schedule (once again) regarding my intake. I also woke up with a headache and tremendous cramping. I just don't feel like fighting today, or right now for that matter. However, I know I need to choose to fight even though I don't feel like I can... or even want to...

I know that it is in moments like these that the real and only choice I have to make is to yield myself into the hands of my Abba and let Him fight for me - on my behalf. However, this morning I am even so resistant to do that. I am flooded with self-disgust and cannot bear the thought of gaining any weight. And I just don't feel like I'm worth it right now...

I will try to seek the Lord this morning, even though I'm doing so in hesitation and with reserve. I know He is LOVE; He is PEACE; He is STRENGTH. He says that He delights in fighting for me. I just struggle to run into His wide open, everlasting arms today. I will, however, try to let Him still me, so maybe I can press on in the choice to seek Him right now.

To be honest, I doubted that my devotional for today would have any relevance for me right now, but I have to admit my error and say that I was wrong!

"Remember that you live in a fallen world: an abnormal world tainted by sin. Much frustration and failure result from your seeking perfection in this life. There is nothing perfect in the world except Me. That is why closeness to Me satisfies deep yearnings and fills you with joy. I have planted longing for perfection in every human heart. This is a good desire, which I alone can fulfill. But most people seek this fulfillment in other people and earthly pleasures or achievements. Thus they create idols, before which they bow down. I will have no other gods before Me! Make me the deepest desire of your heart. Let Me fulfill your desire for perfection."

As I read through this devotion, I realized that one reason I lack all desire to press on and fight today is fear of failure and fear of not walking today out "perfectly." Also, I realized that I am holding onto and beating myself up for not finishing all five rounds of intake over the past few days and even still holding onto all of the "not-so-perfect" days that have been a part of this journey to recovery... What holding onto all of this "imperfection" is doing, is causing me to walk in a self-punishment mentality. Because I haven't lived up to the standard of perfection that I long to fulfill, I have failed and therefore deserve punishment... This mentality hits on so many deeper things from my past too. So, this morning fear of failure, fear of not being perfect in my walk today pairs with believing that I won't be able to make it through today well, and thus, leaves me feeling defeated - with no desire or passion to try and face today.

Rather than expect perfection from myself on this journey - day in and day out - and always come up short, I need a new perspective. It strains me to say what I am about to say: It is better for me to be willing to face this day in RECOVERY (despite all that is fighting against me) and to make it through some rounds of intake rather than completely shutting down and backing out of the fight and not taking in any nourishment at all for the day. I guess the perspective shift that I am trying to accept is: Some is better than none! That perspective comes against and clashes so much with the usual, "All or nothing!" mentality... That was deep and intense! Yikes!

Okay... so now at this point, I am faced with the option of starting off today's rounds of intake and taking them in stride as I face each one that I can today or not starting...

I will fix my eyes on my Abba, and I will choose to "show up" today. I won't stay in the hole that I woke up in. I will let Him come to my rescue and dust myself off and face the first round of intake for today. I won't get ahead of myself and focus on the rest of today. I will take this first round in stride. I will take the fighting that my body puts off in stride. I will take the mental and emotional side of this battle in stride. I will pray and breathe. I will breathe in His peace. I will not let depression win today - in this moment. I will press on anyway. I won't expect perfection from myself today. I will value even the smallest of steps taken forward today because they will lead to freedom. I will choose to believe that the setbacks of today will be used as catalysts as this journey to RECOVERY continues.


I will cling to the truth found in Psalm 37:4, and I will claim the promise that lies within its words. "Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart." Though the desires - the true desires - of my heart are oftentimes clouded by the voice and demands of ED right now along with a slew of other things, I know the desire that resides in the deep confines of my heart is to walk FREE and WHOLE - to walk in VICTORY! God sees that desire! I will seek Him and delight myself in Him and in His truth, and I will see the victory. It may not (probably won't be) in agreement with my timeline, but I will do my best to keep my gaze fixed on the One who promises to finish the work that He has begun in me...


I am willing to face today! I am willing to stand up and not lay in defeat!

As I make the declarations to fight and press on today even though I don't feel like it, I am not feeling confident nor very empowered to start with the first round of intake for today. Also, if I try to start facing the first round now, there is no way I will be able to make it to church. And I desperately need to be in His presence today. I hadn't even felt like going to church when I woke up, but there is a desire building up in me to make the first step of "showing up" today be walking into the house of God to seek His face. So, I will try to pull myself together and will go to be immersed in His presence and His truth, believing that I will be strengthened to make some positive decisions regarding my intake today. He says that if I seek Him, I will surely find Him! I will choose to seek His face in this moment and as this day progresses.

(Written later)

The decision to go to church was a good one! A much needed first step for today! The pastor introduced a message that he will be sharing about for several weeks: The True Heart of a Champion! What a perfect theme to be presented with today. I'm going to share a few notes from church that spoke powerfully to me...

> When you face your toughest times, it is then that the true champion will have the opportunity to emerge.

> When there are challenges, you can either choose to ignore them or confront them.

> When you choose to confront them, you will see the heart of a champion rise up, and you will PERSEVERE (in His strength)!

> Don't ignore or run from the challenges you face when you have giants before you because every giant introduces a person to himself.

> "A crisis doesn't make us; it reveals who we already are!"

> Once you face off with your giant, it produces self-respect and self-confidence!

> "If you're half way across the river, don't go back!"

> No one has ever achieved greatness without facing and overcoming obstacles!

> You cannot judge success by the position you hold but rather by what you have overcome to get there." ~Booker T. Washington

> God doesn't put you in a crisis; He allows you to face it!

> Giants are tools by which God fashions us for BIGGER THINGS - if we allow Him to use the giants (or challenges) as stepping stones to carry us onward in His journey for our lives!

> When you face the challenges that are in front of you, you will see that the giant before you usually doesn't stand alone. You will see that multiple victories are won!

> Your BIGGEST challenge can become the catalyst for the rest of your life!

> People are looking for true champions who are willing to stand up and face their giants and challenges - who have also overcome them!

And now, though it is almost two o'clock, and I have yet to take in even one round of intake, I will choose to face this challenge, believing that I will persevere through it. I will try not to feel defeated by today's setbacks, and I will choose to see the value even in getting out of bed today to face this day head on. I'm not going to gauge today's success on quantity of intake finished but rather on the quality of perseverance that is rising up in me to press on in spite of a very rough start. I will choose to believe that starting (way late!) is better than not starting at all. I will choose to take this first round in stride as I confront the giant of ED - head on! I will choose to let God's STRENGTH rise up within me and wage warfare on my behalf. I won't give up! I won't relent! Even though I am tired and worn out because of the fight, I will choose to speak in boldness: HE WHO LIVES IN ME IS GREATER THAN THE VOICE AND POWER OF ED! Him in me = my HOPE!

Here goes... I will take a step in the right direction. I will pray and breathe. I will not be overwhelmed. I will take on this challenge - this giant - in the STRENGTH of my Abba... ONE SIP AT A TIME!

(Written while facing the first round for today)

On the Front Lines
By: Kim Hembry
June 5, 2011

Faced with challenges,
What will I do?
Will I run in fear?
Or will I try to go through?

When the Giant stands before me,
What will I think?
Will I crumble in terror?
Or in His strength refuse to sink?

When the battle's intense,
How will I respond?
Will I succumb to defeat?
Or in confidence press on?

For only time will tell -
How I'll react.
But in this very moment,
I'll refuse to look back.

In spite of the struggle -
In spite of the pain,
I'll choose to move forward.
An eternal crown shall be my gain.

Romans 5:1-6
1THEREFORE, SINCE we are justified (acquitted, declared righteous, and given a right standing with God) through faith, let us [grasp the fact that we] have [the peace of reconciliation to hold and to enjoy] peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One).

2Through Him also we have [our] access (entrance, introduction) by faith into this grace (state of God's favor) in which we [firmly and safely] stand. And let us rejoice and exult in our hope of experiencing and enjoying the glory of God.

3Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance.

4And endurance (fortitude) develops maturity of character (approved faith and tried integrity). And character [of this sort] produces [the habit of] joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation.

5Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us.

6While we were yet in weakness [powerless to help ourselves], at the fitting time Christ died for (in behalf of) the ungodly.

I am once again reminded of the charge set out for me as a daughter of God. It seems like an impossible charge most of the time. However, it is vital to try and take on the challenge of rejoicing and exulting in the face of troubles, challenges, and sufferings. It is a part of this journey and walk of faith that operates in hope of experiencing the glory of God. As I choose to rejoice in the face of the current troubles, challenges, and sufferings, patient endurance will be molded in me and then molded into mature character that will result in living a lifestyle and in a manner of salvation with hope of receiving an eternal crown one the time of testing has passed.

I am also reminded that Christ was given up for me - that He died for me - when I was yet a weak sinner who was unable to save myself, when I was sinking in sin. I am still amazed that God poured out His love on me, but I will choose to believe that He sees the worth of my life that I've yet to clearly comprehend.

I will press on in the face of adversity, and I will press on in hope of receiving the fulfillment of God's promise for TRIUMPH and VICTORY!

(Written later)

It took me over an hour to get down the first round I chose to face today, but I got it down... I will continue pressing on today... I will take the rest of today moment by moment!

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