Week 6 comes to a close... Reflecting on LIFE!

Wow... Today has gotten off to a slightly different start than usual for me.

Yesterday evening my mom came into town, and we went to a paint-your-own pottery shop to enjoy our time together - to do something relaxing and refreshing. I was excited that she was coming, but also, I was hesitant because I was afraid that she was going to ask me all sorts of questions and drill me regarding how I am doing in recovery right now... (which if you have read previous blogs, you will know that it has not been going too well lately!) I have tried to set some healthy boundaries with my mom over the years and especially in the past couple of months... If you read a previous post where I mentioned that I easily worked myself into a role of taking care of her and always watching out for her, you will understand why I need some boundaries set. I don't want to say anything against her... I love her... She is my mom - the only one I will ever have - and no mother is perfect... Now that I have grown up, we are more like friends than mom and daughter... I am just sharing how I felt...

We did have a good time last night... It was fun to see my mom break out of her comfort zone and stretch her creativity. It was good for me to spend some time focusing my energies into a creative outlet too! After we got home, we played Yahtzee until pretty late into the night (or should I say morning?).

During our time together, I was such a goof ball... If you know me, you know that I can be a nut... I can be rather entertaining when my looney side comes out (especially when it gets late)... That is what happened last night, and it was refreshing. However, I also think I played it up a little bit to keep my mom at bay and to keep her from prodding me for info, but overall, it was a successful evening with my mom, an enjoyable night!

I managed to finish three rounds of intake yesterday which is the most I have had consecutively over two days in a while... However, I still didn't sleep well last night... I tossed and turned for a long time and dozed off for a bit, only to wake up and fight sleep for another couple of hours... Finally, my body and mind calmed down enough for me to sleep three hours through... That was good! I am grateful for those three hours!

Regarding my intake for today, I have finished one round so far... My mentor helped me to put together a couple of goals to finish out this week and to hopefully yield to making some progress... two goals to help combat the lies that ED is telling me (or rather shouting at me!). The first goal was to start my first round of intake before noon three out of the next five days (combating ED's lie that says that I am not allowed to start facing any of my intake until after noon). The second was to complete a minimum of three rounds over the next five days and to try to work it up to four by Friday (combating the lie that I am not allowed to face more than three rounds in a day, nor should I even consider it since I am so fat already)... Both of these goals were instated on Monday... I have done pretty well with the first one... I have started two out of the past three days before noon... Also, I got in three rounds yesterday and the day before, but I am really having a hard time even wanting totry and increase from three rounds of intake for today... ED's voice is ranting and raving, and I just don't feel like I have the energy to fight it...

Part of me just wants to get through today with three rounds and make it until tomorrow because I have to see my nutritionist tomorrow anyway, and I will probably be in for some strong correction too... I haven't been able to get in all five of the expected/requested rounds in a little over two weeks now, and I have been struggling with the boundaries and restrictions laid out for me regarding exercise, so I will have to see what my nutritionist has to say... Honestly, I am not looking forward to it, but I have to accept that I have not walked this thing out perfectly and deal with whatever I need to be told - whatever I may need to hear, even if it is some hard truth... I will also have counseling again tomorrow, which will provide me with some more time to process what all I am feeling and dealing with right now... especially all that is impeding me from making progress...

Anyway, today started off differently because my mom spent the night with me, so my morning routine was thrown off quite a bit... I didn't have the opportunity to write or get any of my thoughts out before the day really started, and I didn't really have time to get still and focus on truth... More than anything, I just trudged forward to start my day and start my l first round of intake before noon...

I kind of felt like my space was being invaded this morning when my mom hung out in my room for a while... Don't get me wrong... We had a good conversation, and I value the time that we got to spend together... Probably more than anything, I was just fixated on some of what she was telling me that made me uncomfortable and kind of anxious... However, it turned out pretty well! I am glad about that! I have to shrug off some of what I heard and let go of the things that were triggering, so I can continue pressing on in this journey and wrap up this sixth week of my attempts at recovery...

Shortly before my mom left, one of my best friends came over because she was in town... My friend graduated from nursing school about five weeks ago, and I wasn't able to go because of my ED, but this friend is very understanding, and since she was in town for some appointments today, she came by, and we got to catch up! That was a very positive highlight to my day! She is getting ready to go to Spain and to start language school there, so we talked for about two and a half hours primarily in Spanish, which was fun for me... I miss speaking Spanish since leaving the mission field in Guatemala, so that was also refreshing for me! My friend and I had a great visit, and I was able to face my first round of intake while we talked... It was a good distraction for me... I hated that she had to go, but I am very grateful for our visit and the time that we did get to spend together! And for getting to use my Spanish (which I will be using quite a lot in the near future since I will be starting a job as a Spanish I, II, and III teacher when the school year gets off to a start...)

My Friend & Me... I LOVE THIS GIRL SOOOOOOOOO MUCH!

Us again... This one makes me laugh!

After my friend left, I took some time to "be", to rest a bit, and to write... What I wrote during that time is found in the following post... It is a poem that came together as I was trying to be still in the presence of my Abba...

As I sat in stillness, I was reflecting on my salvation (which you will see expressed in the poem I wrote) which I am now doing as I reflect on the following passage of scripture. In the Message version, Ephesians 2:1-10 says,

"It wasn't so long ago that you were mired in that old stagnant life of sin. You let the world, which doesn't know the first thing about living, tell you how to live. You filled your lungs with polluted unbelief, and then exhaled disobedience. We all did it, all of us doing what we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it, all of us in the same boat. It's a wonder God didn't lose His temper and do away with the whole lot of us. Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love, He embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ. He did all this on His own, with no help from us! Then He picked us up and set us down in highest heaven in company with Jesus, our Messiah. Now God has us where He wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all His idea, and all His work. All we do is trust Him enough to let Him do it. It's God's gift from start to finish! We don't play the major role. If we did, we'd probably go around bragging that we'd done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join Him in the work He does, the good work He has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing."

As I sit and ponder on the gift of salvation and turn my eyes humbly to the Word of God, I am reminded that being saved really has nothing to do with me and everything to do with HIM! God - the Creator of the universe - sent His Son - His ONLY Son to die for me! To forgive me! To wipe away my sins! To eradicate them! However, the crucifixion wasn't just about saving me from death; it was about giving me the opportunity to live! He died so that I could live! That life that was a free gift extended to me, that I chose to receive, is the very life that ED tries to take, to steal, to destroy day in and day out... However, LIFE is a gift! It is a gift offered to me! Even though I don't feel worthy of such a gift and I battle believing that I deserve it, the fact is - the truth of the matter is - that it has been given to me... Life - in the here and now - as well as for all eternity has been extended to me...

Wow! I needed that reminder today... right now... in this very moment! I needed this encounter with truth! May this be my focus each morning, each afternoon, each evening... Oh what the heck! EVERY MOMENT... as I press on in this journey to RECOVERY... This journey to WHOLENESS... This journey to FREEDOM... This journey that is leading me down a path that is revealing to me that I have been given life and that it is my choice to either embrace it or deny it... I have that choice every day and multiple times within each day... I will press on in this journey, and I will learn what it really means to LIVE!

Are you with me?