Thursday, June 9, 2011

Trying to remain HOPEFUL as week five comes to a close...

I will start the day off by praising For for providing new mercies each morning! For that I am grateful! He is my only HOPE to face this day!

ED is still speaking so loudly and chanting his demands... He is quite delighted that I have a meeting this morning and don't have enough time to try and face round one of intake before I go... So, round one of intake will have to wait - I will once again be off to a late start... However the truth is that I am glad I have some extra time to prepare myself to face it... to let strength be built inside, so that maybe I can have a more successful day in RECOVERY. I only got through two rounds of my intake yesterday (two out of five). Yikes!

I will choose to face today! I will not lay down in defeat! I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and I will go before my Abba. I will seek His face and seek to be strengthened and calmed in His presence. I will try not to move ahead of myself today. I will try to tae this day in stride ~ ONE STEP AT A TIME ~ ONE MOMENT AT A TIME! I will not let what has happened in the past hang over me and defeat me, and I will not let what lies ahead of me keep me from choosing to appreciate this day - the present! I will accept the struggles, the victories, the mountains, and the valleys of this day as I choose to show up and not back down!

My devotional for today brings me back to what really matters...

"Seek to live in My love, which covers a multitude of sins: both yours and others. Wear My love like a cloak of Light, covering you from head to toe. Have no fear, for perfect loves decimates fear. Look at other people though lenses of love, see them from My perspective. This is how you walk in the Light, and it pleases Me. I want My body of believers to be radiant with the Light of my Presence. How I grieve when pockets of darkness increasingly dim the Love-Light. Return to Me, your First Love! Gaze at Me in the splendor of holiness, and My love will once again envelop you in Light!"

Wow! How beautiful are these words! To be enveloped in His love when we feel so unlovable is one of the most precious of gifts. This devotional sets forth a challenge for me. To be honest, it isn't difficult for me to look at others through the lense of love! However, it is SO difficult and oftentimes feels impossible to look at myself though the lense of love. For practically my whole life, I have looked at myself through lenses of self-hate, repulsion, disgust, rejection, comparison, perfection, expectation, criticism, failure, and myriad others. I know God desires for me to look at myself though the lense of LOVE! I need Him to teach me how! How to love me - for me! Right where I am - in this body - in this skin! That is going to one of (if not the) hardest things I will have to learn in this process - on this journey to RECOVERY - to look at myself with love! This part will surely need to be taken in stride.

In I Peter 4:8, it says, "Above all things have intense and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins [forgives and disregards the offenses of others]." Wow! I am going to take the end of this verse and apply it to my life right now... For I just had a revelation! Seriously! This could be a huge realization as I try to walk out this journey to RECOVERY! Okay, so "love covers a multitude of sins [forgives and disregards the offenses of others." This is amazing truth! What is being revealed to me deep within my spirit as I read these words that I have read numerous times in the past is that because I struggle to love me - to extend love to myself - I am all the more hard on myself and unforgiving toward myself. Because I have such high expectations for myself and feel that others have even higher expectations for me, the pressure builds and when I don't meet the expectations that are almost always rated on the scale of perfection, I take it out on myself and hold the mistakes, errors, offenses, and failures against myself rather than extending love, grace, forgiveness, and being gentle with myself.

As I process all of this, many other things come to mind that I don't think I am ready to delve into (at least not in this moment), things relating to being unlovable for "said" reasons, being unworthy to receive love for "said" reasons, self-punishment, and the list goes on... With all of that being said, I believe that as God teaches me how to love me and shows me how to extend love to myself, it will be a monumental and pivotal cornerstone to this new foundation of wholeness and an invaluable stepping stone on this journey to RECOVERY!

I will believe that God will teach me how to love me with the love prescribed in 1 John 3:18. "Little children, let us not love [merely] in theory or in speech but in deed and in truth (in practice and in sincerity)." Only He can show me how to extend His perfect love to myself that I may be able to take care of myself as He desires that I would!

And the first and most important part is for me to continue turning to my First Love - as stated in Revelation 2:4. "But I have this [one charge to make] against you: that you have left (abandoned) the love that you had at first [you have deserted Me, your first love)." I do not want to desert now push away the Lover of my soul... the One who loved me first!

I am doing better accepting the fact that He chose me and loves me - just because He does - just because He thinks that I'm lovable... It is now going to take on a new dynamic and depth as I come into His Presence and learn how to love, honor, and respect myself along this path to freedom and healing. To be honest, it scares me! This road and journey scares me! What will need to be uncovered scares me! But... I will remember that the perfect love of my Abba casts away and leaves no room for fear! I will believe that as I continue to come before Him, He will meet me with His PERFECT LOVE that will displace the fear!

Okay... so now I will make the choice to nourish the LIFE that is valued by my Abba, believing that He will also reveal the TRUTH to me regarding my value and teach me how to extend grace and love to myself. I will choose to say: I am more than a size, a number, and looks! I am a hand-crafted, beautifully designed work-of-art with irrevocable value who has been chosen to be a daughter of the King of kings! I will choose to face round one of intake in His STRENGTH, and though it is late (very late to start), I will value the willingness to start even though I don't feel like putting anything in my body. I will do it in His strength and for His glory that I may press on and continue on in this journey to RECOVERY!


(Written later)

Round one was a success though it took a long time to get it down!

I am trying to build up the strength I need to press on in the decision to take in much needed nourishment and nutrients for today as I know that I need to start facing my second round of intake... I will remember that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE FOR ME BECAUSE HE WHO LIVES IN ME IS GREATER AND STRONGER THAN THE VOICE AND POWER OF ED!

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