Monday, June 20, 2011

Poetry for today... The processing I needed to get started!

Twisted Resolve

By: Kim Hembry ©

June 20, 2011

Immense confusion rages within

As my eyes open

With another day to begin

The whisper of hope that came yesterday

Seems now only to be

A mirage and a distant fantasy

As I feel overcome by last night’s defeat

As I can’t believe

What I let myself be

I don’t feel allowed or permitted to fight

After falling so hard

My mouth is shut and barred tight

I feel like I can’t have anything today

That there’s no way

That it’s the price I must pay

For failing again, for succumbing to

The desire to have release

For seeking my own feeling of peace

And then the thought comes and convinces me

That there’s really nothing wrong

There’s nothing wrong with me

That compared to what has characterized past days

I’m really in a much better place

That I am actually safe

But those are the thoughts

The ones I must fight

If I really do want to save my life

The light must break in

I need some clarity

To come forth so that I’ll plainly see

A reflection that’s true rather than skewed

The jumbled thoughts

In comparison to what’s true

But then comes the voice that pipes in to say

That it’s not worth the fight

I won’t make it anyway

That in spite of making strides and putting forth effort

That it will never pay off

That I’ll only find failure

That based on what my nutritionist had to say

Recovery can’t be used

To describe this day

Because it’s already late and my schedule is shot

That it doesn’t really matter

That I ought not

Try and take a step to nourish myself

Because I won’t succeed

That I’ll only delve

Into more self-hate and self-disgust

As my body grows larger

I will surely bust

Because I’m too fat and need to lose weight

What would give me the right

To face my intake?

A deep pitted scream rises from inside

But as I try to let it out

Silence is the only cry

My voice has been taken and traded in for

ED’s demanding voice

That controls me from the core

From the depth of my being I’ve been overcome

When I try to speak up

There’s nothing but a hum

That is heard by my ears as I open my mouth

Even when I try to raise my voice

And let out a huge shout

But in spite of feeling like a puppet on a string

In spite of the torment

I will stand up to ED’s beckoning

For there is a small light breaking in

That’s revealing to me

That with ED, I will never win

That no matter what I do or don’t do

His voice will be harsh and cold

That he will always beat me up, keep me in a choke hold

So since his only promise is to take away my life

I will choose to stand up

And I will choose to fight

As he allows death to knock daily on my door

I will rise up

With my God, I will soar

I will soar above the storm that has never let up

I will finally put ED in his place

I will make him shut up

I don’t need a loud, strong voice to call out for help

For God hears the desperate pleas

That come from the depth of my heart

So as I gauge this new day

My God will come

And He will somehow make a way

For me to stand up - that I may press on

To make the choice to live

And to move far beyond

What I’ve settled to live for over the years

What I’ve held onto

That has only caused tears

It is only in His strength that I can rise

It is only He

That can give me new eyes

To see what is true and to hold onto hope

It is His pure love

That will continue to show

Me that I do have a strong voice

That it will be heard

To exercise my power of choice

So I will trust that its sound will be released

As I open my mouth to say

“ED! Just let me be!”

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