So much is going through my mind this morning... I don't even know where to start...
First off, I really don't want to have to face my rounds of intake for today. I feel so fat, bloated, and disgusting... I know that is how ED wants me to feel. He will keep trying to keep me down and feeling defeated by the challenges, obstacles, and the journey ahead of me.
Secondly, I am anxious about my appointment with my nutritionist. I don't have the "best" report for her since I wasn't feeling very well most of last week... I haven't been able to finish all of my intake each of the days in the last two weeks since I last saw her, which makes me feel like I have failed. And on the days that I have finished all five rounds of intake, it has been such a struggle and such a fight! I do not feel ready or even like it is possible for me to alter or add anything to my intake right now. The thought of having to is beyond overwhelming...
Thirdly, I feel pressure to respond about something that has been offered to me... This third thing is really a blessing... I have been offered a teaching position at a private school back home. It is to teach Spanish I, II, and III. I really feel like I need to have an answer in the next few days or so, so that I can respond to the school, but putting myself on that kind of deadline is oh so daunting right now. There is a passion that rises up when I teach, especially Spanish... There is excitement for me to see the students learn and grow, especially in their confidence as they recognize their competency for something new... I know that taking the position would be positive in many ways. I would be at a Christian school (an overall positive environment)... I would be financially covered... It would provide me with insurance... I would have the opportunity to love on and minister to the students... However, what rises up when I consider taking the job are countless thoughts and feelings of self-doubt, wondering if I could really manage the job with lesson plans, grading... It feels so daunting... Then I wonder if I would be able to manage pressing on in RECOVERY or if I'd be too overwhelmed by the responsibility and workload. Then I think about whether I would need to live in the city (my hometown) where the school is or if I would be able to commute a few days a week from where I am currently living...
As all of these things run through my mind, a deep pitted scream builds on the inside of me, and I just want to ESCAPE all of the pressure I feel... I also start to think about something that my counselor and I talked about yesterday... That I am just struggling to survive and make it right now! The choice to show up and face each day is a place of victory most days right now. I am trying to believe and recognize that it is worth me being alive... I am fighting with everything in me just to make it, so I can keep pressing on in the fight for my LIFE!
Defeat is Knocking
By: Kim Hembry ©
June 2, 2011
Straining ahead, struggling to survive.
Trying to see that I'm worth being alive.
Everything's an effort - the choice to show up-
Doesn't seem sufficient in response to His love.
Clamoring to see the purpose for my life,
Yet struggles and pain are accompanied with strife.
Others look at me and can't seem to understand-
Why I, the strong one, am sinking in the quick sand-
Of ED's lies, demands, pleas, and mockeries.
Will I ever really be able to walk free? in peace? with me?
I don't want to give up - I don't want to quit,
But in all honesty, I'm tired and worn out and don't want to sit-
In the throes of ED - with no end in sight.
I'm desperately seeking and in need of a light-
That shines and assures me that I'm worth fighting for-
That my life truly matters - that I'm meant to live for something more!
I needed to get that out of me... However, I am so not ready to face round one of intake today. I need a supernatural desire and will to fight to be conjured up and awakened in the depths of me, so I can press on and choose to face today. "God, I'm so in need of HOPE for the moment - I'm not even asking for HOPE for the whole day - just for right now - to get started..."
I feel like all I can do to get started is open up my devotional for today... Maybe God will use it to spark something inside of me to face today - HEAD ON! ... Yep! It's good for me in this moment...
"Relax in My HEALING, holy Presence. Be still, while I transform your heart and mind. Let go of cares and worries, so that you can receive My Peace. Cease striving, and know that I am GOD. Do not be like the Pharisees who multiplied regulations, creating their own form of "godliness." They got so wrapped up in their own rules that they lost sight of Me. Even today, man-made rules about how to live the Christian life enslave many people. Their focus is on their performance, rather than on Me. It is through knowing Me intimately that you become like Me. This requires spending time alone with Me. Let go, relax, be still, and know that I am God."
Wow! Very timely... To relax seems so IMPOSSIBLE right now. I am reminded of a prayer I have prayed in the past when I was stuck striving to find a place of rest. I remember that God spoke to me and told me that if I was striving to come into a place of rest, I would never arrive that way, but that it was by permitting Him (who already lives in me - who is peace) to still me and quiet me from the inside out. That was a pivotal revelation then, and it is obvious that I need to be reminded of it in this very moment... "God, I ask that You would move in me and that You would quiet me, still me, and help me to relax in You - in Your peace - in Your presence, so I can start to face the first round of intake today. I am calling out to You because I know You are my ONLY HOPE!"
I will only be able to do what is laid out in Psalm 46:10 by letting God still be from the inside out (continually)... "Let be and be still, and know (recognize and understand) that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations! I will be exalted in the earth!"
What is laid forth in 1 John 3:2-3 is a glimpse of HOPE that says to me in this moment that it isn't over! That there is more to come! "Beloved, we are [even here and now] God's children; it is not et disclosed (made clear) what we shall be [hereafter], but we know that when He comes and is manifested, we shall [as God's children] resemble and be like Him, for we shall see Him just as He [really] is. And everyone who has this hope [resting] on Him cleanses (purifies) himself just as He is pure (chaste, undefiled, guiltless)."
So I will say...
Because I am God's daughter, I have HOPE! Because He is with me, I have HOPE! Because I don't walk alone but walk with Him at my side, I have HOPE! Because He chose to give me breath today, I have a reason to FIGHT and to press on! I can only do so in HIS STRENGTH! I can't do it alone! So, as I look at this new day, I will choose not to give up! I will choose to keep pressing on! Even though ED tries from every side and at all cost to keep me from choosing LIFE today, I will choose LIFE in this moment! I will take today moment by moment, and I will believe that the strength I need to move forward throughout today will be made available to me in God's perfect timing! "Though my heart and my flesh may fail, God is my STRENGTH and my portion FOREVER!" I will choose LIFE today -
ONE STEP AT A TIME
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!
IN HIS STRENGTH!
So... I was very anxious this morning when I was thinking about going to my appointment with my nutritionist. I was worried about not being "perfect" in regards to my intake. I was afraid to tell her about my secretive exercise and rationalizations over the past few weeks (especially this last week), and I was afraid and oh, so hesitant about what was going to be changed or altered in regards to my intake.
I was slightly relieved when my appointment was moved back almost an hour... It gave me more time to prepare myself.
When it was time, I reluctantly entered, not sure about what all I was going to share and not sure about what all I was going to hear. We talked about how my body was responding last week and about how that affected my intake... As we were going through the last couple of weeks, the knot in my stomach grew as I knew I needed to share about the exercise I've been doing. With much resistance, I went ahead and started telling her (knowing deep within me that I didn't want to deceive or manipulate her and also fully aware that it was the ED that didn't want me to break the silence or spill the secret). As I was telling her, a wave and flood of emotion came over me, and tears began to flow down my cheeks... It was out... I got it out! (And I kicked ED in the ass!) The tears continued to pour out as I shared how I knew deep down I wanted to walk free and be whole and how the past several days have been such a struggle... How I've been fighting to believe that my life is truly worth fighting for...
After talking about this journey and this process and after my emotional outpouring, she looked at me and began to commend me for the progress I have made in the last four weeks since I first saw her. She told me that she could see that I had very high standards and expectations for myself, but that I needed to see how much progress has been made... She told me that she could see that I was a fighter... She told me that she was so glad to see and pleased to see that even when my body was revolting and we were communicating via e-mail, that I was still able to get in what I did. She said that she was actually surprised...
We then talked more about my intake plan, and there has been a slight alteration. As we were discussing the possible alterations, she asked me what I thought (really!), and as I shared my reservations and concern (what ED was saying), she helped to dismantle the lies and spoke forth the truth about the nutritional switch that was being made... As we talked about intake, we also talked about choices, and I shared with her some of the reasons why this journey (this time around) has been and seemed much harder...
As we talked, she continued to encourage me and to show her support. We also came up with a compromise regarding the exercise. She did warn me that if she sees my weight go plummet, we would have to address it... I can deal with and accept the compromise, and I will do my best to respect it!
As I got ready to leave her office, I have to say that I felt empowered (especially since I stood up to ED several times in her office as we talked, as I revealed honestly what I needed to in order to choose LIFE!).
I will still be taking each day and round in stride as I continue trying to see the truth and value behind my life. I am still trying to work up to being okay with the nourishment going into my body, but it is a journey... My nutritionist is rooting for me, and I saw that so much today as she continued to encourage me and let me know that it gets better! I will choose to believe that it will get better as I press on. However, better doesn't mean easier! Better (right now) means that my body's organs and internal muscles will recover as I make the consistent choices required to nourish my body...
After leaving her office (I was there for about an hour and a half), I went to get what I needed for my intake to start out week five of RECOVERY... Week five will start tomorrow... I honestly can't believe it! However, before I can start week five, I must get through the last day of week four... I still have two and a half rounds left for today, and I am currently facing one of them...
I will press on in the journey this evening, and I will take my remaining intake in stride... ONE STEP AT A TIME ~ ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!
I will choose to say that...
I can choose to give myself nutrients because my body will fail and shut down if I don't. I don't have to earn the right to live and I can't deserve life any more or less than I do today because God has purposed that I should live. He gave me life! I am worthy of life not because I've done anything but because my heavenly Father chose to give me life. I am allowed to give myself nourishment because I have been purposed to live and not die! I can choose to give my brain nutrients because I have been called to steward the soundness of mind which is mine in Christ Jesus. I will not be overwhelmed by the process ahead of me because I will take it in stride - one step at at a time. I will value every step taken forward and will not expect perfection. I will set attainable goals with my team, and I will see the value in even the smallest of steps taken forward because they will lead to freedom!
And one day, I will believe that what I am choosing to say is really TRUE!
The choice is before me now to press on with my last round of intake (a whole bottle of supplement left!). So much rises up in me to try and keep me from following through with it, but I will press on anyway... I will end the day well by letting the STRENGTH of the Lord operate in and through me. ONE SIP AT A TIME!
Oh, I just spoke that in boldness, but the resistance to press on rises up so strongly... "Pray and breathe... You can do it!"
I don't feel worth it... worth fighting for... But, I will press on anyway! I will choose LIFE! I WON'T QUIT! I WON'T GIVE UP! I WON'T RELENT!
I will once again say...
Because I am God's daughter, I have HOPE! Because He is with me, I have HOPE! Because I don't walk alone but walk with Him at my side, I have HOPE! Because He chose to give me breath today, I have a reason to FIGHT and to press on! I can only do so in HIS STRENGTH! I can't do it alone! So, I will choose not to give up! I will choose to keep pressing on! Even though ED tries from every side and at all cost to keep me from choosing LIFE, I will choose LIFE in this moment! I will take today moment by moment, and I will believe that the strength I need to move forward will be made available to me in God's perfect timing! "Though my heart and my flesh may fail, God is my STRENGTH and my portion FOREVER!" I will choose LIFE!