Sunday, June 12, 2011

Hmmm... Not exactly sure how to title this one... Good truth but bad application!?!? Praise God that tomorrow will bring new mercies!

I am recognizing that ED's hold on me is pretty strong right now. Since I haven't been able to complete all of my rounds of intake in about ten days, I recognize a thought pattern that is not healthy... that won't permit me to keep pressing on in recovery honestly if I don't call it out. There is a mental block and a screeching voice that is so loud right now. The voice says that I am only allowed to face ____ rounds of intake each day... that I am too fat to even consider putting anything more in my body. Fear rises up when I consider trying to come up against this voice and yielding to the voices of my team instead...

I know deep down that I want this... that I want recovery... that I want to walk in wholeness.. that I want to walk in freedom. OH, how ED continues to vie for more and more space in my mind as this journey continues. I know he won't give up easily, and I am not willing to give up on fighting, so I guess the intensity will remain... I just don't know how much longer I can take it!

I must run into the arms of my Abba - in this very moment! I must seek His face and yield myself into His care - releasing Him to fight for me. I will go to Him and will let Him quiet my accusers. I will cling to His love and breathe in His peace. I will run to Him for safety

Way too many things are running through my mind right now... Way too much! I will run to my Abba and cling to His Word.

I will cling to the faithfulness of my Abba as I declare Psalm 116 with praise for what He has already done...

I love God because he listened to me, listened as I begged for mercy.
He listened so intently
as I laid out my case before him.
Death stared me in the face,
hell was hard on my heels.
Up against it, I didn't know which way to turn;
then I called out to God for help:
"Please, God!" I cried out.
"Save my life!"
God is gracious—it is he who makes things right,
our most compassionate God.
God takes the side of the helpless;
when I was at the end of my rope, he saved me.
I said to myself, "Relax and rest.
God has showered you with blessings.
Soul, you've been rescued from death;
Eye, you've been rescued from tears;
And you, Foot, were kept from stumbling."
I'm striding in the presence of God,
alive in the land of the living!
I stayed faithful, though bedeviled,
and despite a ton of bad luck,
Despite giving up on the human race,
saying, "They're all liars and cheats."
What can I give back to God
for the blessings he's poured out on me?
I'll lift high the cup of salvation—a toast to God!
I'll pray in the name of God;

(Psalm 116:1-13, MSG)

He has saved me - my Abba has saved me time and time again! I will cling to Him and I will praise Him as this battle for my LIFE continues! I will take hope in the fact that He is with me - on my side - fighting for me! I will trust Him to renew my strength as the eagle's as I wait expectantly on Him! It is much easier to say these things than to walk them out, but I know He is faithful. To Him must I cling if I want to see the VICTORY!

As I read my devotional for today, I saw more evidence of God's faithfulness and how He delights in walking this journey with me...

"Let Me help you get through this day. There are many possible paths to travel between your getting up and your lying down at night. Stay alert to the many choice-points along the way, being continually aware of My Presence. You will get though this day one way or the other. One way is to moan and groan, stumbling along with shuffling feet. This will get you to the end of the day eventually, but there is a better way. You can choose to walk with Me along the path of Peace, leaning on Me as much as you need! There will still be difficulties along the way, but you can face them confidently in My Strength. Thank Me for each problem you encounter, and watch to see how I transform trials into blessings."

Wow! If I don't let Him help me, I will surely be shuffling through the day just hoping to make it through. The obvious "better" choice would be to walk with Him along His path of Peace. However, I must admit that my flesh and my mind fight that option so much. [I already don't plan on facing any of my rounds of intake until after church! That I don't want to change!] It is a struggle and a battle, but in the end the choice is left up to me (to each one of us!). I long to walk with Him, but with ED's voice beckoning, it is like I feel like I can say, "Yes, God, I will walk with You along Your path of Peace today, BUT we can't try to face any of my rounds of intake together until ___ o'clock, and we can't face more than ____ of them today..." It's like I want to say, "Yes," to God, but then lay out conditions to be followed... I know that He would even respect the conditions, and He wouldn't force me to do anything I didn't want to do... But, man! That seems so twisted! I reach out for Him and long for Him, and once He has taken my hand, I say, "But wait... Just so You know..." AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

As all of this goes through my mind, I start to beat myself up for unbelief, lack of faith, and hypocrisy... However, I feel like God is speaking to my heart - to my spirit in His gentle voice,

"My child, I understand the battle and struggle in your mind, and I am still willing to walk with You as much or as little as you want Me to. Of course, I want to be invited to walk every step of the journey with you and be given permission to take you on My route and show you all that I can, but I understand that you are still struggling to release all of the control over to Me, and that doesn't make Me love you any less. Yes, it grieves Me, but I know that each day, as you see My faithfulness and and how I respect you and love you and don't force surrender on you, you will let go of the control little by little and will eventually fall into My everlasting arms without reserve or hesitation. Don't be so hard on yourself, my child. It is a journey, remember? I am with you! I won't leave your side. I will not force you to make any steps or turns on the road ahead of you that you are not willing to make, but I will be with you at every point of this journey. I love you! I will show you how to love yourself as we walk this path together."

Wow! That is moving - comforting - a blessing! My Abba never stops overwhelming me with His goodness and with His mercy! TRULY - HE IS GOOD ALL OF THE TIME! With Him, no one can compare!

I will cling to this beautiful promise: "Through the heartfelt mercies of our God, God's Sunrise will break upon us, shining on those in darkness, those sitting in the shadow of death, then showing us the way, one foot at a time, down the path of peace." (Luke 1:78-79, MSG)

The journey to RECOVERY continues, and I will keep pressing on in it ~


I am not sure what all will be encountered on the path walked today, but I will take it in stride...

(Written later)

Church was AMAZING today! Wow! The Spirit of the Living God came so powerfully! My heart was encouraged! The message was definitely relevant for my life at the moment...

After leaving church, I should have come home and prepared my first round of intake, but instead I decided to run a few errands... Well, that decision really threw this day off! I almost hate to admit how badly I failed after being so determined to rest in God today and let Him walk alongside me. It is now after four o'clock, and I am just now facing my first round of intake... That means that I have restricted all day up until now... I desired to let God lead and guide me today, but this afternoon, I started to tap into my own strength and took control, letting ED win... However, I am choosing to fight him right now as I face this round of intake!

Not the most victorious day, but I can choose to learn from it...


  1. Each moment is new. Forget about the past. Focus on the present. You said it yourself--God is with you. He's never given up on you, he won't now. Forget what you did earlier today. Focus to "what can I do that is healthy for me at this very second?" whether that's a snack, sleep, or quiet time with God, trust it. I believe in you girl. Keep fighting.