I am so overwhelmed as this new day dawns... ED is beckoning so loudly... I feel SO overcome right now...
As I think about my meeting with my nutritionist yesterday and think about there being no wiggle room in regards to my intake - that the five rounds are not optional - I am so paralyzed as to how to start... I even lack the desire to start...
I really want to go for a nice long run for some kind of release right now... And I am so tempted to go... I am trying to fight that temptation though... At least for now!
I am also tempted to cut so I could have some release, but I know that definitely is not the real solution I need...
I feel so fat and so disgusting and ED is still saying that I am not allowed to face all of my intake... As this voice pipes in loud and clear this morning, I am trying to let the things that my nutritionist told me and the truths that she has shared with me break through and give me a glimmer of even the dimmest of lights into my mind right now... I am trying to remember that with what I am supposed to take in (calorically) it is not possible for me to gain weight... I am trying to remember that I really don't have much of an option if I want RECOVERY... I just want to run away from it all...
The tension and pressure build up so tightly inside of me... My teeth clench in control, and I feel like I can't move - like I can't speak - like I can't face this day... I feel like I am losing it! The internal screams rise up within me, seeking release... I just want to escape this tormenting HELL!
I know deep down that I have a reason to fight today, and I am not even considering checking out on life, but I am just struggling so hard to live...
I know many people depend on me... Many people look to me to be strong... Many people look to me to overcome... But I'm struggling to show up and survive... I'm struggling to reach out... I'm struggling to hold on...
The conscious decision to put something in my body right now seems too overwhelming...
I just want to go about today getting the things done that I need to get done and deal with ED later, but I know really, that is only letting ED deal with me and win and take over more today...
I've already failed at getting my first round of intake started within the first hour of being up... I was so tempted to stay in bed, tossing and turning, until noon... But I have too many things to do today... I just don't feel like I have time to put up with ED today and surely don't feel like I have the energy to stand up to him...
I know deep down that God can, but I am struggling to let Him fight for me this morning - struggling to let Him fill me with the necessary strength to choose life (practically) today... The desire to fight is missing... The will to press on in the face of battle is missing...
It just feels like everything is closing in around me - that with ED's constant pleas, I am suffocating and struggling to breathe. I don't feel like I can stand up to him today or at least not right now... I just want to curl back up and rest and escape it all as best as I can...
(Written later)
Okay, so I've let ED run rampant and rule my day up until this point... I chose to retreat and not to fight... I chose to do the things that I needed to get done... I just didn't have it in me to press forward and fight...
However, after reaching out to two friends who are walking in their own journeys to RECOVERY, and after receiving their truth and getting some light to break in on me, I have realized that the following stands before me:
I can choose to see that my morning didn't start as I would have liked, but that I can choose to see the day still isn't over! I can choose to throw today away entirely, or I can start from where I am! I can choose to recognize that perfection doesn't exist in the world of RECOVERY and only leads to disappointment! I have the choice to respond to these questions: Will I let ED have the whole day or will I choose to let the rest of the day be characterized by victory no matter how small it may be? Will I let perfection limit and bind me, or will I glory in the fact that I'm beautifully flawed? Will I succumb to defeat or will I rise up and face the rest of the day with my head held high?
As I ask myself these questions, I am reminded of a passage I read from a book late last night...
"My Light shines most brightly through believers who trust Me in the dark. That kind of trust is supernatural: a production of My indwelling Spirit."
"Dear Jesus,
I love walking in the Light with You. I am a creature who craves light - sunlight and even artificial light, but especially the Light of Your holy Presence. I trust You easily when there's plenty of light in my world. Trusting You in the dark is another matter altogether; there's a kind of desperation to it - clinging to You as my life depended on it."
"Beloved, growing in grace is all about trusting Me: in good times, in bad times, at all times. I am Lord over all your circumstances, so I want to be involved in every aspect of your life. One of the best ways of connecting with Me - here and now - is trusting Me in the very situation where you find yourself. When your world seems dark and you trust Me anyway, My Light shines brightly through you. You may not be aware of this illumination, but it is visible to many; both in heavenly realms and on earth. Your display of transcendent trust weakens spiritual forces of evil. People around you are strengthened and blessed by My supernatural Light showing through you.
Clinging to Me in the dark feels like an act requiring all your willpower. Exerting your will is definitely important, but there is more: My hand has an eternal grip on yours. I will NEVER let go of you! Moreover, My indwelling Spirit empowers you to keep hanging on. When you feel on the brink of giving up, cry out for His assistance: 'Help me, Holy Spirit!' This brief prayer enables you to tap into His vast power. Be encouraged by knowing that though you may see only darkness, My Light is shining through you in surpassing splendor!"
[Excerpt in italics taken from Dear Jesus by: Sarah Young]
Wow! This is perfect for me right now! Perfect for what I need in this moment! I call out: "HELP ME, HOLY SPIRIT!"
I want to choose to take this day back from ED and walk in the rest of it letting God strengthen me... Though the "all or nothing" mentality fights against me, I will strain ahead and will start from where I am - even though I have been defeated up until now...
I will cling to these two verses that bring forth a promise of HOPE!
"Trust in Him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to Him,
for God is our REFUGE."
Psalm 62:8
"Even there Your hand shall lead me,
and Your right hand shall hold me."
Psalm 139:10
I will latch onto Him in this moment, and I will not throw the entire day away... I will value a very late start... I will say that I am sufficient in Christ's sufficiency... I will take the first step to practically choose LIFE... IN HIS STRENGTH!
No comments:
Post a Comment