I'm kind of at a loss for words as I wake up to face today... As I ponder the choices that stand before me today, ED tries to overwhelm me from the start... However, I will choose to stand up against him in this moment. Though I feel weak and tired of the fight and constant struggle to survive, I will fix my eyes upon my Abba - the Author and Finisher of my faith - the One who infuses His STRENGTH into my being that equips me for the journey of today.
I will do my best not to move ahead of myself today - I will try not to let the myriad choices, decisions, worries, and cares of the whole day weigh me down this morning. I will try to seek God - in this very moment - to start this new day of RECOVERY!
Though I didn't meet the goal of five rounds of intake yesterday, I will choose to see the value in what I was able to finish. I will remind myself that perfection is not the goal, but that progress and willingness to press on are the gauges of VICTORY for me each day... that even the setbacks can be transformed into catalysts for greater breakthrough.
Though feelings of self-disgust, self-hate, frustration, fear, and numerous others flood me as I think about facing round one today, I will call out to my God for peace! I will choose to push forward even though ED fights so hard to keep me from getting started today (once again!). Even though I don't like (or rather, can't stand) what I see reflected in the mirror, and I battle believing that my LIFE is worth fighting for, I will do my best to cling to TRUTH this morning. For that is my only hope of getting started...
My devotional for today couldn't be more appropriate or more needed right now...
"Welcome challenging times as opportunities to trust Me. You have Me beside you and My Spirit within you, so no set of circumstances is too much for you to handle. When the path before you is dotted with difficulties, beware of measuring your strength against those challenges. That calculation is certain to riddle you with anxiety. Without Me, you wouldn't make it past the first hurdle! The way to walk through demanding days is to grip My hand tightly and stay in close communication with Me. Let your thoughts and spoken words be richly flavored with trust and thankfulness. Regardless of the day's problems, I can keep you in perfect peace as you stay close to Me."
Wow! This is definitely what I needed so desperately to see this morning. It is so true that I can't make it over the first hurdle (round one) without Him or any hurdle for that matter! I am in need of His perfect peace as anxiety levels rise in most all situations right now. As I ponder going through today, I am being reminded of the necessity of relying on Him at every point... He is the ONLY ONE that will make the journey of today POSSIBLE. I will remind myself that GREATER IS HE WHO IS IN ME THAN THE VOICE AND POWER OF ED and that God takes what I see as an impossibility, and turns it into a possibility for VICTORY as He erases the "im-" with His love...
What is found in James 1:2-3 can be a hard thing to carry out or even to accept, especially when difficulties and struggles never seem to light up... "Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience." Though it can seem impossible to claim joy in the midst of battles, struggles, and ever sort of tribulation, my heart is encouraged to see that there is a promise for the one who presses one - a promise of ENDURANCE, STEADFASTNESS, and PATIENCE. I am also reminded of the promise that God WILL work ALL THINGS for GOOD for those who love Him and who have been called according to His purpose. Even though each day and most every moment is such a struggle right now, I can choose joy and take on a HOPEFUL attitude as I am reminded of the promises of God. He will work all of the messes and pain from my life into a beautiful tapestry, a tapestry woven with threads of endurance and patience that reveal His goodness. Holding onto that truth will help me to face today - in spite of the struggle!
I will also cling to a truth that I have gone back to numerous times over the past month. Philippians 4:13 reminds me that I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency. "I have strength for ALL THINGS in Christ Who empowers me. [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency]." I just love how the Amplified version paints such a beautiful picture of POSSIBILITY with the truth of this verse. I will claim this truth, and I will press on with Him, in His strength.
As I choose to press on in the face of battle and try to yield myself to God to strengthen me for each step, I will claim the promise for peace that I see laid out for me in Isaiah 26:3. "You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You." Though it seems utterly impossible to tune ED out of my mind most all of the time, I will try to keep my mind stayed on God, and I will lean on Him and commit my LIFE into His hands as I fight succumbing to the plea to place myself at ED's disposal. I will turn to my Abba, and I will be kept in peace and will confidently hope in Him...
I will do that now - in this moment - as I start my intake process for today (I am starting very LATE!). I will take today in stride as I look to Him for STRENGTH!
ONE STEP AT A TIME!
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!
ONE SIP AT A TIME!
When I find myself in uncomfortable situations today as I go to my cousin's graduation party and various other places in which ED screams and pipes up relentlessly, I will try to hold onto the truth of what God's Word has shown me today. I will not permit what anybody says to me or thinks about me affect my actions today. I will not expect perfection from myself today, but I will do my best to walk with an attitude of willingness as I am faced with the other rounds of my intake. I will try to enjoy the time with my family and some of my friends, and I will claim God's peace at every point when I feel overwhelmed. I will not give up! I will not relent!
Well... It has been a long day. I just got back to my apartment after being home over the past two days. I am hoping I will get some sleep tonight! My body is still fighting sleep so much... I just feel like I need some good rest!
However, before I curl up and try to get to sleep, I am trying to get some of my supplement down. I have been way off today. I started late... then started to feel bad... and then I tried to get down a second round of intake... then I went from one family member's house to the next for a while... and then to a dance recital... I couldn't seem to fit in (or make myself take in) my rounds of intake. So, I am trying to fight through to get a little more in me for today...
I feel like I have failed the past two days... But, then I try to remind myself that for the past two days, I also employed an alteration to my intake plan like my nutritionist mentioned... I will try to see those steps as positives and remind myself that I don't have to be perfect...
Maybe tomorrow, I will do a better job... ONE DAY AT A TIME ~ ONE STEP AT A TIME ~ ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!