My day so far... Phew!!!!!! I'm exhausted already!

I just wanted to update all of you on how my day has gone so far...

Whew! It has been a whirlwind! First off, thank you to all of you who are following me and are supporting me with your prayers and encouragement... I really don't know what I would do without you! I mean that!

Okay, so an update... I walked into my counselor's office this morning. My goal for yesterday was to arrive there when I go up this morning... I really want much more out of life than to just show up, but that is all I could muster up the strength to fight for yesterday... I was both nervous and relieved that I had made it to her office... The moment she saw me, she knew what I needed... I did too!

I was relieved to walk into a safe place where I could crumble and fall apart... Where there was NO judgment... She contacted the treatment hospital in Dallas and called my doctor, and then as I finished my session with her, she sent me to the ER to get some fluids and get my levels checked... I didn't have an option to not go really, so since they were expecting me and ready for me, I went... I got some fluids and some potassium to help carry me over until I can get into treatment... Most of my other levels were okay, which makes it so hard to really believe I need IP or Partial or IOP right now... But, I know I have to fight those lies... I am really not okay and haven't been for quite a while... My body has just put up too good of a fight... and ED has done too well at convincing me that I am fine!

So, after I got discharged, I had to call the treatment center in Dallas... I will be going in on Wednesday at 1:00 PM. I will be evaluated by the Dr. in charge of the ED unit, and I will be admitted to the needed level of care either that night or the following day... That's how it sounds at least... I need to call back and find out some more details, but I am just trying to process what I have already went through today...

I called my best friend while I was getting fluids, and got some much needed venting out...

I haven't talked to my parents yet, and I am still completely overwhelmed by how to tell them... Also, I do have insurance, but there is still a pretty hefty out of pocket expense (still need to find out more about this too), and I don't have the money... Thankfully, I had enough for my IV and today to cover my ER copay, but I am going to have to ask my parents to help financially. That complicates the whole situation... I am already overwhelmed by having to be blunt and honest with them at all... I just don't know how to go about it... I will have to figure it out asap, but I am just so overwhelmed by it at the moment... I may have to go to the ER again between now and Wednesday if I can't manage to get anything in me, so that would be another chunk of change... I am trying to remember that my life doesn't have a price tag, but I feel like such a burden... My parents are trying to get themselves out of debt right now, and just thinking about all of this is too much right now, and I just seem to be an extra burden to bear...

Okay, that was a lot of rambling...

Overall, I am relieved that some of the steps are behind me, but there are still so many unknowns and many crucial steps to try to get me to Wednesday... I am hoping to see my counselor on Monday or Tuesday again since I can't get into treatment until Wednesday...

I am trying to process all of this right now... I know I need the extra help to keep me alive right now... I told my counselor this morning that it wasn't that I gave up fighting, but that rather, I still want to fight and just need someone else to take over for a little while...

I am trying to let the truth that both my counselor and a good friend told me recently reign in my mind right now... "Going IP right now is NOT punishment... It doesn't mean that I have failed... It doesn't mean that I am weak... It actually means that I am STRONG, and COURAGEOUS, and BRAVE... It just means that I recognize the value that is in my life, and I am willing to admit that I need help trying to fight for it and save it right now... It just means that I am willing to let go of the reigns for a little while and let someone else take over for a bit... So I can be built back up, mentally, emotionally, physically, and pscyhologically..." These things I am trying to focus on right now...

I am terrified of losing all of the control, but I really want to choose life, and I can't seem to make consistent rational choices that lead me to LIFE right now, so I am willing to trust my counselor's judgment since my brain functioning is kinda impaired...

So, one moment at a time until I make it to Wednesday... For those of you who actually took the time to read all of this, thank you! That means a lot that you really care that much! I will keep you updated and will do my best to keep you posted on my status... Thank you again for your support.

I am clinging onto the hand of my God right now as the only thing that is stable, and so for those of you who are prayer warriors, your prayers are much appreciated! Love you all so much!

So, my journey to RECOVERY continues...

ONE DAY AT A TIME!
ONE STEP AT A TIME!
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!
ONE SIP AT A TIME!
(and now probably)
ONE TUBE AT A TIME!
(at least for a little while)

I will do my best to be still in this moment and know that my God is still God... I will pray and breathe, as I wrote in my journal yesterday, I will declare that:

I am a FIGHTER,
and
I WILL OVERCOME!!!!!!!

Okay, I think that is about all I can get out right now...