Monday, June 27, 2011

Post 1 of 2 so far today... Some much needed VENTING! I didn't know what to do!

(Okay... Before you start reading... I will warn you that this is put BLUNTLY!)

So… I just got off of the phone with the financial department at Dallas Presbyterian… Anxiety builds up inside of me, and I feel so overwhelmed… I am not sure what to think in this moment… The lady there told me that the numbers she had figured were for outpatient… Shut the HELL up! That is not why I am going to Dallas! I have my outpatient treatment team here!

I told her why my counselor has referred me to Dallas, that she hadn’t referred me for outpatient but for IP(inpatient)… I just want to scream… AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted to tell the lady on the phone, “Yeah, my weight and my BMI look pretty damn stable by the numbers, but I’m dying here! I don’t really believe that I am, but I haven’t had anything solid stay in me since February… My intake slowly tapered off, and the whole month of April, I only managed to get down 1 bottle of Boost… For about two weeks in the middle of May when I was trying to choose recovery again, I managed to get in around 1000 calories of liquid intake, but for the past month, I’ve barely gotten in 500… That even sounds like way too many! And since Wednesday of last week, the only thing that has happened is 4 very long binge/purge episodes… I was hooked up to an IV on Friday for fluids and some potassium… I’m living off of coffee, and I can’t get anything in my mouth that counts for anything… I’m hanging on by a thread sister! I just want to make it through Wednesday and get hooked up to the damn tube and get enough nutrients in me to think straight! Damn it!”

Sorry! That’s my venting for the moment… But, SERIOUSLY!?!? I am struggling to believe that I really need this right now, and after she told me what she had figured for me, I just about lost it!

The fear builds up inside me that I am going to show up on Wednesday, that I will have inconvenienced my mentor, only to have my reports about too “GOOD”, and I will be left to flounder for a while longer… I am just so damn tired and I need help… I can’t seem to do it by myself anymore!

As I feel like I’m just hanging on by a thread, feel like I am ED’s little puppet on a string, I am also simultaneously filled with immense confusion… With such disgust! I feel like I have completely given up on the fight the past few days… I have only given into what ED has been saying, and I don’t feel like there’s anything else I can do to fight for myself… All I hear is, “You are not allowed to take in any nutrients until you get into the hospital on Wednesday… You are so week to have committed to going IP… You are a failure and you disgust me… You’ve got to make up for it now… Got that? NO nutrients! NO nothing besides coffee! You’re lucky I’m letting you use powdered creamer! Oh, and you really should exercise! You are so fat! And you’re about to get fatter!” AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just can’t handle it!

I just want it all to stop! I barely slept at all last night… The past two nights I have given in to ED without even second guessing myself… I have gotten sucked into binge/purge cycles the past two nights… I feel like I have completely lost myself… I have barely spent any time with God the past few days, and I am just tired!

I finally became okay and at peace with going IP, and then after I got off the phone just a while ago, the fears build within me that they are not going to admit me for what I need… I just feel so lost and confused right now…

I kind of hate that my body has been sustained so well… That my bloods tests have been so “NORMAL” and “AVERAGE” and so “UNALARMING!” Part of it I know is good, but it also sucks because I am convinced that I am fine! SO much rises up within me that says, “To HELL with it all! I’m done!”

I know that isn’t true, but I haven’t been able to stand up to ED and haven’t even wanted to try or realized that I can… I am just so exhausted and I don’t know how to react and respond right now…

I can’t wait to show up to my counselor’s office in the morning… I really feel like I need to have her call and talk to somebody in Dallas… I feel like maybe she can tell them what’s REALLY going on because I feel like my voice is clenched tight! I don’t know! I just feel so perplexed within! So damn stuck! And TRAPPED! And UNSURE of it all!

“God, I don’t even know what to say to You… I feel like You have been completely shut out the past few days… I come before You now and repent for losing sight of you and for giving in so easily the lies and to ED… His voice is so loud! God, I can’t see seem to hear You… I don’t know if I haven’t wanted to or if I just haven’t been able to… I am sorry, God! Please forgive me! I know I need You above all else! I am so confused and scared right now! I am so uncertain of what lies ahead of me! I just don’t know what to do! I want to run from it all! HELP ME!”

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